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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone's OH a smoker

28 replies

byteme1011 · 20/10/2023 20:09

My partner smokes weed I'd say fairly heavily (didn't realise how much until we moved into together) and he is doing it regularly indoors and I'm getting sick of it. Any advice how to persuade him without getting the 'you're nagging me'. He regularly promises next one outdoors but alas he's doing it right now in the living room barely out the window (we're in scotland, it's freezing/windy). I don't smoke, have no issue with it if he does it outside or at least in a way the smell/smoke doesn't get in.
And a wee vent, I came home last night to soup on the stove asked him if it was for grabs aye so I had a bowl, he 'forgot' that he had used weed oil and pumpkin seeds soaked in cannabis butter; cue me drinking electrolytes really convinced why i felt so dizzy etc till the penny dropped; i'm not really happy with this - i totally get it was an accident but i don't think he realises how much /cost this habit (lets be honest addiction) costs him in terms of health/time/money

OP posts:
GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:10

Do you have any kids together?

Tbh I'd leave before you do.

It's rare that people like this change.

Smokers are a breed onto themselves and dope smokers even more so.

They are incompatible with non smokers .... That's my conclusion from having relationships with two smokers and living with two smokers in a shared house. And that wasn't even weed.

Passive smoking and third hand smoke is also a risk to your health.

If it comes to getting pregnant, having a pregnancy, babyhood and I was; it's also a risk.

Leave then to other smokers, they're they oh people truly compatible with them.

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:13

Any advice how to persuade him without getting the 'you're nagging me'.

There is no way to do this because he is selfish and unreasonable.

Addictive/compulsive habits make even "move" people selfish and unreasonable.....and for not nice ppl ...

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:15

He regularly promises next one outdoors but alas he's doing it right now in the living room barely out the window (we're in scotland, it's freezing/windy). I don't smoke, have no issue with it if he does it outside or at least in a way the smell/smoke doesn't get in.

But hes not doing it outside and he's highly unlikely to.

As I said I've lived with two of them and tried to have a really with two of them. One of the relationships - the sweetest guy - smoked outside consistently. The others .... Always ended up smoking inside when they said they wouldn't ... And you are always the naggy pitb bitch for complaining. Always.

There is no working with smokers when you're a non smoker, I'm sorry.

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:17

he 'forgot' that he had used weed oil and pumpkin seeds soaked in cannabis butt

What if you ended up having an accident, falling from dizziness etc. What if you were drug tested by the cops while driving. What if you ever needed a job that tests for dope. Sure it would be all through your hair even if you didn't have another accidental ingestion.

StillWantingADog · 20/10/2023 21:18

I can’t see this relationship progressing.

you stand firm and any smoking of any kind is outdoors. Only. He can comply or leave.

as for the soup- I don’t know where to start with that

SnuggleBuggleBoo · 20/10/2023 21:18

He's an addict. His drug of choice will always be more important than you. Have some self respect and leave.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/10/2023 21:18

Dope heads never change, because they just don't give a shit about how their disgusting, smelly and, ILLEGAL habit might effect others.

Leave him now, he'll never change.

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:19

*Addictive/compulsive habits make even "nice" people selfish and unreasonable.....and as for not nice ppl ...

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/10/2023 21:20

I also don't buy the "he forgot" the soup was laced with a drug. He knew, he wanted to see how it effected you.

Fluteytooting · 20/10/2023 21:21

I have many a difficult conversation with my DH about his smoking/weed habit. But, he hasn’t smoked inside since we moved in together 15 years ago and wouldn’t dream of it. I think you need to draw a line here and decide where your boundary is. And then follow through.

ZekeZeke · 20/10/2023 21:22

he 'forgot' that he had used weed oil and pumpkin seeds soaked in cannabis butt

He put your life in danger.
Please don't have children with this waster.
If he is smoking indoors then your clothes and soft furnishings will also stink.
Get rid.

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 21:24

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/10/2023 21:18

Dope heads never change, because they just don't give a shit about how their disgusting, smelly and, ILLEGAL habit might effect others.

Leave him now, he'll never change.

Yep, you can do better.

I know a tradesman who's a weed smoker .... He doesn't work as much as he should due to it. He claims he doesn't smoke in the house around his kids ... But then talks about smoking in the car, which is their family car, only car and the one he gives them lifts everywhere in.

His use seems to cross over into dealing; I'm wondering if he'll ever get caught by the cops etc with dealer amounts in his car, and the consequences of that.

He and his partner clash regularly over how much weed he smokes.

They argue and bicker in general pretty regularly.

They agreed to reduce his weed and her drinking to save money and improve their lifestyle; that has not happened.

He uses tragedies in his life as excuses for the weed smoking, but never goes for any counselling.

He is incoherent by a certain time of night.

He waxes lyrical about all the benefits of weed, but is rather less eloquent on the downsides.

He's been at it for years, and apparently weed has sort of been GM'd to be stronger than before.

It's also a risk for mental health difficulties and breaks. Bad enough if you had no kids with him, a nightmare if you did.

PuddlingWood · 20/10/2023 21:29

You come second to his drug habit which is what this is. Leave, so not worth a relationship with this person. You deserve better. If you worked out how much he spent on this you would be horrified.

My SIL Is living with her boyfriend who smokes, drinks and gambles. They never have any money despite them earning decent wage for their outgoings.

byteme1011 · 20/10/2023 21:53

Appreciate all the replies, I'm definitely going to stand my ground with the indoor smoking. Honestly the nag label annoys me I don't think he understands what it's like for non smokers. We half rent/CT/food/bills etc, I've lent him money a few times but I will 'nag' if he doesn't pay me back when he has said he will. Will say it's the happiest/easiest relationship I've ever been and I wouldn't leave him/kick him out because of it.
Similarly he doesn't work as much as he should (he's a mature student in his last year) but he quit his PT job a few months ago. We don't have any kids together, I would like to (in my early 30s) but I wouldn't until I had a more stable environment.
See I don't care what drugs people take but I've never met a regular user of weed whose MH didn't deteriorate at the same time, I get that you can't just quit/it's an addiction but it's hard to empathise sometimes

OP posts:
KateMiddletonsExtensions · 20/10/2023 21:55

Your post title is misleading. I was about to say I'd never date a smoker.

You should have said "anyone's partner a drug addict?"

Why put up with this rubbish?

byteme1011 · 20/10/2023 22:02

he's outside for this one had a wee rage about it but standing my ground :)

OP posts:
houseonthehill · 20/10/2023 22:51

Does he have a sheltered/comfortable smoking area outside? Could be a compromise solution.

Cowlover89 · 20/10/2023 22:58

ZekeZeke · 20/10/2023 21:22

he 'forgot' that he had used weed oil and pumpkin seeds soaked in cannabis butt

He put your life in danger.
Please don't have children with this waster.
If he is smoking indoors then your clothes and soft furnishings will also stink.
Get rid.

Oh fuck off. Didn't put her life in danger 🙄

Nanny0gg · 21/10/2023 00:11

byteme1011 · 20/10/2023 22:02

he's outside for this one had a wee rage about it but standing my ground :)

Oh. Well that's all right then.

ZekeZeke · 21/10/2023 08:25

Cowlover89 · 20/10/2023 22:58

Oh fuck off. Didn't put her life in danger 🙄

Aren't you a charmer.

What if she had to drive? Look after children?
He got her high without her consent.

IncomingTraffic · 21/10/2023 08:30

Do you want to live like this? You don’t have to.

It sounds like he is simply not someone who is willing to behave in a way that makes you compatible to live together.

You’re just going to always be cast in the role of ‘the nag’ as he does what he likes and completely ignores your needs and boundaries.

loseweightpleasegod · 21/10/2023 08:31

Weed is for teenagers, pensioners and medical patients who benefit from it.

I don’t judge drug takers as I have an addictive personality myself and experimented in my teens. However, children and work (unless he is in an artistic field) do not bode well for everyday drug users especially weed smokers.

Cowlover89 · 21/10/2023 09:27

ZekeZeke · 21/10/2023 08:25

Aren't you a charmer.

What if she had to drive? Look after children?
He got her high without her consent.

Not put her life in danger tho. Big exaggeration

NotToYou · 21/10/2023 09:31

Your relationship with this loser is the happiest one you've ever been in? Wow. You need to raise your standards.

ZekeZeke · 21/10/2023 10:47

Cowlover89 · 21/10/2023 09:27

Not put her life in danger tho. Big exaggeration

If she had got behind the wheel he most certainly did.
He drugged her.