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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I going mad?

42 replies

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:12

Lying here crying. I feel I am going mad.
with the storm I had a nightmare day, flooding meant I could t get my son to school so my husband ended up taking him and back which interrupted his work.
it was scary out there and I worry as I had a car accident years back so get anxious.
when he got home our daughter needed to go to her club and he asked if I could take her. I said I couldn’t as I was still scared. He said it was fine now and the roads were fine.
still anxious I said could he and he said it’s fine.
I did get annoyed at him and we have just had a huge row.
he said I shouldn’t have argued and why couldn’t I take her etc. I felt why couldn’t he listen as it’s only one day this has happened.
he is being really cold and horrible about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:20

He is the sort of person who is always right. So I’m his eyes as he felt the road was ok (even though he hadn’t gone to the road I would be travelling on) then it should be ok to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:21

Or is it me? Should I have just driven?

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/10/2023 19:26

If it isn't safe enough for you to drive why are you sending your husband and children in it?

jiinglebells · 20/10/2023 19:27

It's hard to know without being there and seeing the weather around you. Anxiety around things like this can make a situation feel worse than it actually is and make people act irrationally in a situation that isn't as bad as they think it is from my experience!

If schools were safely open and your DH managed to get your son safely to school and back then it's likely the situation would have been fine for you to drive in too, had you not been feeling anxious. Similar situation for your DDs club!

Have you had any treatment / spoken to anyone about your driving anxiety from the accident? Is this truly the only day ever since the accident you've been feeling this way about driving in weather? If it's the first time ever (depending how long ago the accident was!) you'd hope he'd be more understanding.

I can understand your husbands annoyance with having to interrupt his day to do things for you as the anxiety is stopping you, but also anxiety doesn't just allow you to do things as easily as it might seem. You getting annoyed and you both having a row won't have helped the situation.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:31

It was safe enough for him to drive as he has a job in the emergency services where he is very equip in all conditions driving and confident however I didn’t feel confident. I do suffer with anxiety in these situations but haven’t asked him to drive in this circumstance before (the amount of rain was not usual so a one off)
he knows I am anxious and I have talked to him before about how difficult I find it to manage and would have appreciated some empathy towards my situation

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 20/10/2023 19:51

I don't think he's done anything wrong, to be honest. The roads were safe by then. He told you that. If you didn't think they were safe, why would you want your DH and DD out?

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:05

Because he hadn’t travelled on the road in question to know this. If it’s useful info we live in a rural area so the roads can be difficult In this situation.
I don’t want to keep saying about why I would let him as I have kept saying it’s more that I didn’t feel safe to drive not that I didn’t trust he could drive in it (for example when I tried to do the school run and had to come back when there was flooding under a bridge I wasn’t sure how deep my car could take etc) I am not confident in the drive so for one day only was asking due to this and the safety of me and the kids if he could do it for me.
I can’t see what I have done wrong though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:07

And also it’s dark with minimum street lighting

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 20/10/2023 20:08

Im in West Yorkshire. I've been driving around all day. Just got very wet.

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 20:10

When did you last have an eye test?

As a first step I'd get my night vision checked.

Also consider an advanced driving course.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:12

Yes I have said that I would like to book myself on a driving course to help me with this so yes I am going to.
I also have had my eyes checked and the optician said that my night vision is a little impaired as I am getting older so is looking at this too thanks.
glad you just got wet but rurally here it was carnage with many cars stranded.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:13

This isn't about the weather conditions, or whether it was safe to drive, is it? It's about the fact that he dismissed your feelings and made you feel like a fool for feeling them?

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:15

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:13

This isn't about the weather conditions, or whether it was safe to drive, is it? It's about the fact that he dismissed your feelings and made you feel like a fool for feeling them?

Yes this is spot on and he does this all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:19

But he has turned it all round on me and said that I shouldn’t have got cross with him etc. I can’t explain it but he is so clever with his words and twists mine that I end up being blamed. I feel I am going crazy.
he said if I had just asked him calmly he would have just done it. However I did ask him calmly at least twice and he kept saying the roads were fine and I kept calmly saying he hadn’t driven on those roads. Yes I then got frustrated and snapped at him and that’s all he is going on about how I was angry with him and some how this is all due to the way I asked.
he is making me feel bad as of course he would have supported me…
but he didn’t hence me snapping..

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:23

It was the same when I mentioned the one time there was something f wrong with my car could be take a look.. he said he didn’t Think there was (without looking) and that it was the way I was driving..
long story short I almost had a bad accident and he took it to the garage for a mot and they told him there was an engine fault which is what I described and was dangerous. It took the mechanic to tell him to be believed.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:29

He's invalidating you. This is a very dangerous thing to do in a relationship, because it makes the invalidated person feel they're going nuts. Like you feel.

You're not going nuts. Here's a link so that you can see that this is a 'thing', rather than something wrong with you. And ask yourself, are you 'crazy' with anyone else? If not, it's probably something to do with him, and the way he treats you, isn't it?

https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#what-is-it

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:35

A lot of this rings true. The eye rolling, huffing, telling me I am over reacting..
the problem is I have played into his hands as I have built up so much frustration I have gone from being a calm person to someone who shouts. I can start off calm but it does escalate as I am so frustrated whilst he stands there all calm almost smirking and then I look so unreasonable.

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 20/10/2023 20:41

Sorry if I’ve missed this but do you work?

PaminaMozart · 20/10/2023 20:44

I have played into his hands
I have built up so much frustration
I have gone from being a calm person to someone who shouts.
- I can start off calm but it does escalate as I am so frustrated whilst he stands there all calm almost smirking and then I look so unreasonable.

Oh, @Forgoodnesssakemeagain , read this back at you!

  • he is making you feel inadequate
  • he is undermining you at every step
  • he is playing very nasty games with you.
Seriously: would your life not be calmer, less stressful, without this tw@t?
Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:51

Yes it would be but I’m struggling to understand how he can be like this with me. He can be so cold and lacks empathy and it really hurts.
I know I have had to justify myself on this thread but I will take that as people don’t know me but he does and knows about my anxiety, where we live and that it’s only been today to put him out. And the thing is that all day I knew it was coming. It’s like I had to be thankful for him helping out but he’s a parent too so can’t he step in now and again without a big fuss (I did say thanks by the way on the school run but knew he felt annoyed by it so felt something would be said at some point)

OP posts:
MysticalMegx · 20/10/2023 20:54

GentlemanJay · 20/10/2023 20:08

Im in West Yorkshire. I've been driving around all day. Just got very wet.

No relation to this post but I'm in West Yorkshire too 😅

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 21:53

So are you crazy with anybody else, or just him?

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 22:04

Just him

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 20/10/2023 23:09

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:13

This isn't about the weather conditions, or whether it was safe to drive, is it? It's about the fact that he dismissed your feelings and made you feel like a fool for feeling them?

Agree. Maybe some love and understanding would have been in order. Irrespective as to whether the journey could have been undertaken or not. It's not all down to a technical analysis of rational or reasoned actions. Sometimes just accept It's how you partner feels.

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 23:18

When else has he made you feel this way? When I was in your position, I wrote and wrote and wrote about how I felt, and every time my feelings were over-ridden, I got more and more furious.

You have to recognise that even if he doesn't think your feelings are worth anything, that's just his opinion. Just one man's voice. Not the voice of an expert or someone who knows best. Not someone who knows better than you about what's ok and not ok to feel and express.

It'll stem from your childhood, it always does.

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