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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I going mad?

42 replies

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:12

Lying here crying. I feel I am going mad.
with the storm I had a nightmare day, flooding meant I could t get my son to school so my husband ended up taking him and back which interrupted his work.
it was scary out there and I worry as I had a car accident years back so get anxious.
when he got home our daughter needed to go to her club and he asked if I could take her. I said I couldn’t as I was still scared. He said it was fine now and the roads were fine.
still anxious I said could he and he said it’s fine.
I did get annoyed at him and we have just had a huge row.
he said I shouldn’t have argued and why couldn’t I take her etc. I felt why couldn’t he listen as it’s only one day this has happened.
he is being really cold and horrible about it

OP posts:

TammyJones · 21/10/2023 05:42

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:13

This isn't about the weather conditions, or whether it was safe to drive, is it? It's about the fact that he dismissed your feelings and made you feel like a fool for feeling them?

Where we are - just below South Yorkshire we have had a lot of flooded roads and many people finished work early in able to get home. It really was unusual circumstances.
So anxiety not I wouldn't have gone out , or asked anyone else to drive

TammyJones · 21/10/2023 05:50

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:51

Yes it would be but I’m struggling to understand how he can be like this with me. He can be so cold and lacks empathy and it really hurts.
I know I have had to justify myself on this thread but I will take that as people don’t know me but he does and knows about my anxiety, where we live and that it’s only been today to put him out. And the thing is that all day I knew it was coming. It’s like I had to be thankful for him helping out but he’s a parent too so can’t he step in now and again without a big fuss (I did say thanks by the way on the school run but knew he felt annoyed by it so felt something would be said at some point)

Maybe it's just a case of convenience
You believe something
He doesn't
But it doesn't matter.
So you just say it too rainy / dangerous to drive - fine child misses club on this occasion- others kids in same boat.
Abs you know something is wrong with your car - so you confidently take your car to a garage.
No drama , no argument, no fuss.
You don't need his validation- don't argue for it. ...

CountryStore · 21/10/2023 06:16

Op, google Lundy Bancroft 'the water torturer' and 'mr right' he sounds like a combination of those 2 types of abuser

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 21/10/2023 10:24

I have and they are very interesting.
yes I don’t need his validation but the effects on my of not being validated are taking its toll on my
mental health.

OP posts:

CountryStore · 21/10/2023 11:52

He's not just not validating you, he's actively invalidating you. Of course it's going to get you down feeling like you have to justify your perfectly reasonable feelings.

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 21/10/2023 11:57

He has just been to talk. He told me he did support me by taking dd to the club. I said that he asked me and I repeatedly said I was anxious and could he and the admittedly lost it and got cross as he was still trying to get me to take her.
he is still saying that because he took her he supported me..
he can’t seem to hear that he only took her as I stood up for myself and refused. Why should I get to that point until I am heard?
he Says he does listen to me.
how is me saying I would rather not take her xyz several times and him keep going on is being heard?

OP posts:

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 12:31

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 19:31

It was safe enough for him to drive as he has a job in the emergency services where he is very equip in all conditions driving and confident however I didn’t feel confident. I do suffer with anxiety in these situations but haven’t asked him to drive in this circumstance before (the amount of rain was not usual so a one off)
he knows I am anxious and I have talked to him before about how difficult I find it to manage and would have appreciated some empathy towards my situation

Perhaps he would have appreciated some empathy for his exhaustion or does empathy only extend one way in your relationship?

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 12:32

Watchkeys · 20/10/2023 20:13

This isn't about the weather conditions, or whether it was safe to drive, is it? It's about the fact that he dismissed your feelings and made you feel like a fool for feeling them?

Perhaps he's feeling unheard. Perhaps he is exhausted from trying to do his job and then being asked to take child after child out.

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 12:34

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:23

It was the same when I mentioned the one time there was something f wrong with my car could be take a look.. he said he didn’t Think there was (without looking) and that it was the way I was driving..
long story short I almost had a bad accident and he took it to the garage for a mot and they told him there was an engine fault which is what I described and was dangerous. It took the mechanic to tell him to be believed.

Do you always put everything in him? Why didn't you take responding for getting the car checked by a professional? Why does he have to carry the mental load and overflow work for everything? Has it occurred to you that you are very demanding and show no gratitude?

Basilton · 21/10/2023 12:35

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:19

But he has turned it all round on me and said that I shouldn’t have got cross with him etc. I can’t explain it but he is so clever with his words and twists mine that I end up being blamed. I feel I am going crazy.
he said if I had just asked him calmly he would have just done it. However I did ask him calmly at least twice and he kept saying the roads were fine and I kept calmly saying he hadn’t driven on those roads. Yes I then got frustrated and snapped at him and that’s all he is going on about how I was angry with him and some how this is all due to the way I asked.
he is making me feel bad as of course he would have supported me…
but he didn’t hence me snapping..

You still seem to be saying that it isn’t safe enough for you but it is fine for your husband and children to go out on it. If there were awful weather that I didn’t think was safe to drive in, I would ask my husband to cancel his trip as well. I think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 21/10/2023 12:53

omg I will leave this Thread now but i repeat once again I felt anxious I felt unsafe not that it was unsafe so him to do it. Anxiety is an awful thing. It was one day- one day.
I said thank you, I expressed gratitude and I do not take him for granted so I will not have this said about myself when I know I do these things. If anything it’s the other way round. I said I understood it was a difficult day and I even said not to take ds to school if it made things too hard but he insisted even though school had already said it was ok to be be in due to the weather.

OP posts:

Original poster

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 21/10/2023 12:56

potatoheads · 21/10/2023 12:34

Show quote history

And quite frankly how dare you. My dh has adhd and I carry the majority of the mental load thank you very much. I am exhausted from running the house and keeping everything ticking over. I am not demanding at all I would just like some support now and again which I do not think is too much to ask from a partnership.

OP posts:

TammyJones · 21/10/2023 15:05

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 21/10/2023 10:24

I have and they are very interesting.
yes I don’t need his validation but the effects on my of not being validated are taking its toll on my
mental health.

Op you have just contradicted yourself
You said you don't need validation, but without it your mental health is suffering.
Of course it is.
We all need validation and you do too.
It completely normal.
You are allowed to have it.
However, you need to feel confident in yourself, to be able to give it to yourself, or you will argue the point with Dh, to prove you are right.
Having just read your update about Dh being ADHD , (and I'm no expert) but don't they see things more quiet differently to some one who isn't ADHD?
So trying to convince your dh of your point of view maybe totally fruitless.

Watchkeys · 21/10/2023 17:32

@Basilton (and all the others who think that OP should have driven when she was anxious, even though conditions were safe)

You still seem to be saying that it isn’t safe enough for you but it is fine for your husband and children to go out on it

Have you ever seen a spider and felt icky about dealing with it, and asked your partner to deal with it for you, despite the fact that it poses you no danger? In that situation, would you expect a kind and respectful spouse to say 'You do it, it's not dangerous, so just deal with your discomfort'?

Do you not think that spouses ought to respect each other's feelings, and that it's reasonable of OP to want her partner to drive, if she's feeling anxious due to news reports of recent danger, and having had a previous accident? Do you not think it would be unkind to just expect her to get over herself?

PaminaMozart · 21/10/2023 17:42

Anyone who is too anxious to drive, or anxious about driving in certain conditions that may be challenging but still safe for a competent and confident driver, ought to either not drive in those situations or, preferably, take an advanced driving course.

Anyone can have an accident, but an anxious driver is a disaster waiting to happen.

Watchkeys · 21/10/2023 17:57

Quite @PaminaMozart I asked my partner to drive me to a piano exam a couple of months ago because I was so nervous I was wobbly. It doesn't really matter why someone is anxious. If you don't feel you can drive, you shouldn't drive, for your own safety, and for the safety of others.

LightSpeeds · 21/10/2023 18:13

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 20/10/2023 20:35

A lot of this rings true. The eye rolling, huffing, telling me I am over reacting..
the problem is I have played into his hands as I have built up so much frustration I have gone from being a calm person to someone who shouts. I can start off calm but it does escalate as I am so frustrated whilst he stands there all calm almost smirking and then I look so unreasonable.

Then he's just belittling you and rather than believing you or trying to understand how you're feeling, he's turning it into a power game.

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