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Original poster

Opinions on guy I'm dating - should I just give this one up?

41 replies

InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 18:32

I'd appreciate some opinions on the guy I’m dating please as I’ve been told I have no patience, end and move on from things quite quickly. Personally I just think I don’t suffer fools or waste time but hey 🤷‍♀️

Met on a dating app but move in some of the same work circles so aware of each other prior. Dating since June and while it’s been nice and I like his company I’m getting the feeling it’s not for me.

I had a friend pull out of an event we were due to go to recently, it’s my favourite weekend in my favourite place on earth so wasn’t going to miss it. Kept the accommodation which I had paid for and invited him. I invited him giving 3 weeks notice, he could have come for 1 night of even a few hours (about 1hr drive from his house) but he said he had an appt the following week which was gonna cost €€ so would ‘skip it’. (He had the date for this appt wrong as well). This event is food focused and we’re both massive foodies so he would have loved it and it wouldn’t have cost the earth as I had accommodation covered. He stayed at home by himself all weekend instead and it meant we didn’t see each other for a month.

My issue with this is… shortly after we started dating he invited me as his plus one to a gala, a wedding, a wedding day 2 and a big birthday. He only gave me max 1 week notice for each of these invites, all of which I showed up for, spent time and money attending (I’m also a single mom so not totally easy) and made a big effort to be a great plus one, his friends apparently told him I was lovely and he was ‘punching’. I’m annoyed that I’ve showed up for him every time but he couldn’t show up for me once, for what is such a great weekend for me…. I went anyway btw but not the point.

Yesterday, I had a panic attack while driving the car and it appears I’ve developed a bit of driving anxiety (I posted about this yesterday… I swear I do have a life off of MN!). He text asking how my day was and I told him what happened and how upset I was about it because I love driving, he said ‘Oh Jesus! That’s precarious’. I said it was and that I was really upset about it and would call the GP today. He made a couple of jokes about the GP blaming it on him and that was it… didn’t ask what happened, was I okay, nothing. I said I was going for a shower and I got a text a couple of hours later saying goodnight and he was going to bed. No ‘Hope you’re feeling a bit better’ or anything along those lines. If roles were reversed, and it was him or a friend of mine ‘Are you okay? Can I do anything?’ would be the first Q I would ask.

He has a dog, who I actually adore, he’s gorgeous and sweet, if not a bit nuts! BUT, this dog is treated like a child and can not be left alone for a minute. He sleeps in the bed so there is no sex on the nights he’s home, we need to get a dog sitter. I actually don’t mind him sleeping in the bed at all (I'm a big dog person) but I really think he should be able to sleep downstairs for an hour before bed while we DtD but it can’t happen. We don’t see each other often and between that and menstrual cycles, it’s definitely hampered the sex life a bit.

He does have great qualities, he’s funny, interesting, intelligent, independent, can be quite thoughtful. But I’m just not sure this is giving long term dating vibes anymore. I think I’m quite low maintenance and don’t ask for much, but he could at least have asked me if I was okay yesterday.

What do we think… should I just give up on this? I’d do it in a nice way and there may be a potential to just be friends afterwards.

OP posts:
slaggybumbum · 20/10/2023 18:47

He isn’t ‘ giving’ much is he. I wouldn’t be interested in someone wanting the dog in his presence over having sex with me!

harerunner · 20/10/2023 18:51

@InAPickle12345

I'd definitely not be progressing things... Sounds like you barely see each other anywayand when you do, the dog stops you from having sex! And to top that he's flaky and indifferent to your feelings. Fuck that!

StoneTheCrone · 20/10/2023 18:53

You sound fabulous but he doesnt seem at all bothered about you. I'm sorry. I know that's harsh.

pictoosh · 20/10/2023 19:01

You're coming up to six months-ish so it's a good time to pause for reflection.
Don't like that he puts the dog in the bed like that. I like dogs but wouldn't want to share my bed with someone else's. No thought for you at all, only own agenda.
Hmm indeed.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 19:02

Thanks so much for the responses, they're kind of echoing what I'm feeling.

What has me on the fence is that we do have a really good time when we're together, he's consistent with his contact but doesn't smother me, he has been thoughtful at times e.g. was sick a couple of weeks ago and he sent me flowers to my house to cheer me up. Came with flowers to pick me up for the wedding.

I'm just not really feeling viable romantic partner stuff anymore. While I really don't need anything or want much from someone I'm dating, I do expect them to care about my well-being at a flipping minimum.

OP posts:
Shamrockk · 20/10/2023 19:05

I would just end this. Probably a lovely guy as you have said but morals/values don’t line up at all, one of those things if you accept it now it’s just going to be the same down the line and that’s not great for anyone. With the dog in bed, I don’t want to assume if you would or not, but if u where to have kids (Co-sleeping) then this could be an issue and it’s quite difficult to come into someone’s life and change things that’s already been in place for a long time, if he wanted to accommodate this he would have already. Some people enjoy having their space after panic attacks, but you and me are probably the same in what we would expect after telling someone about anxiety, I experience driving anxiety too so understand how upsetting it can be for someone to be dismissive of something that feels really real to you but small and insignificant to them!

Shallysally · 20/10/2023 19:10

He is showing you who he is. You’re having doubts, if he is lacking in these areas then chances are there will be other issues as you go along.

I’d end it. And the staying friends, I know you were aware of each other prior to dating but would you want to be his friend? Given his perceived lack of concern for your well-being?

qwerty123454 · 20/10/2023 19:17

There's three people in this relationship

The dog comes before you and I don't think you'll be able to change that

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 19:20

Funny enough the dog is the least of my concerns, he's lovely and very clean and it's almost a treat getting to sleep with a dog in the bed occasionally... I sneak Mums dog into bed when I stay sometimes too (not for everyone I know!)

But I've highlighted the issue and made suggestions like getting a licky mat and some peanut butter or a snuffle toy to keep him occupied for a bit downstairs but he's hasn't picked up these things. I was going to but I stopped myself.

The panic attack was the big one for me... he knows I love cars and driving, I've been looking for a new dream car recently which he knows as well, so not to ask how I feel about this out of the blue driving anxiety is pretty shitty really.

I think we'd be good friends, not close friends @Shallysally for the reason you point out. We could still meet up and go to things together, we actually make a really fun couple when we're out 😂 But sex off the table and I'd know not to depend on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 19:21

He's at a work event all weekend but I think I'll be having this conversation with him early next week. He was due to come to a party next Friday with friends and work colleagues of mine, that'll be awkward.

OP posts:
BettyBallerina · 20/10/2023 19:23

I think I’d know the answer if I was doubting things 6 months in. Sadly, I think his priority is his dog.

Whataretheodds · 20/10/2023 19:27

dog sleeps in the bed so there is no sex on the nights he’s home

Nope.

It's OK to break up with someone who isn't a complete monster - let's face it, most humans aren't. He's just not the right match for you.

Zanatdy · 20/10/2023 19:27

It’s difficult to stop a dog sleeping with you once you start. Trust me when I was dating someone earlier this year I also wondered what would happen if he slept at mine (was ok as we always stayed at his) as my dog is just used to sleeping with me and he would probably whine, bark and be scared if I locked him out. If someone complained about that I’d have to end things as my dog is my priority, he’s sadly going blind age 6 and I just couldn’t lock him out for my sex life. Between him and a 15yr old teen I’m celibate for the next few years! I just wanted to add my view as a dog owner that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you because of the dog situation, but once dogs come in your bed there’s no going back

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 19:31

Sorry, he's just not bothered. He's picking the dog sleeping on his bed over sex with you, FGS.

I wouldn't even bother having a conversation. I'd be wishing him the best and sending him on his way.

Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 19:33

Thanks @Zanatdy and I completely get that, the guy has been single all of the dogs life, he's 2.5years, and they're very close. It's actually one of the things that endeared me to him, I absolutely love dogs and love people that love their animals! He has a big portrait of his last dog in the house and has kept his ashes in a lovely box and I love these things about him. But I do think he should be trying to change some habits with him just very slightly to accommodate me. I'm happy to work with him and more than happy with the dog in the bed, but there's been no effort from his side.

But again, that's the least of my issues... the weekend event and the panic attack are what has really got me feeling this way. If they'd not happened I would have had a conversation about tactics for the dog, but now I'm not sure it's worth my effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
InAPickle12345 · 20/10/2023 19:36

Whataretheodds · 20/10/2023 19:27

dog sleeps in the bed so there is no sex on the nights he’s home

Nope.

It's OK to break up with someone who isn't a complete monster - let's face it, most humans aren't. He's just not the right match for you.

Thank for this, it's made me feel better because he's so far from a monster, just a bit thoughtless and feckless, and just not the one for me I don't think.

OP posts:
slaggybumbum · 20/10/2023 19:51

Owner is two dogs, absolutely no need to be in contact presence. Sounds like the boyfriend,rather than dog, has attachment issues.

Cinai · 20/10/2023 20:12

Could you try having a conversation with him about what’s missing for you, and how some things make you feel? It seems the lack of concern over your panic attack is the biggest problem for you, it would be for me, too, but I think this is one of these things were people sometimes don’t quite know how to react or which reaction is expected.

It’s obviously your ‘right’ (for the lack of a better word) to end the relationship based on not being on the same wavelength about such things, but it might be worth communicating your expectations and see if he gets better at giving you what you need, once he really knows what that is?

For what it’s worth, my DH did some stuff which I found very thoughtless early on, but it wasn’t his intention to be thoughtless. We had some conversations about expectations and individual needs which massively improved our relationship.

occhiazzurri · 20/10/2023 20:16

It is so rare to find a connection these days that it is definitely worthwhile having a few conversations around expectations and individual needs before walking away. Then you have to give it some time to see if things improve/change. I feel that everyone here is too quick to suggest leaving etc when some things you may be able to work through. But you can also give yourself a deadline if you don’t see any change following your conversations.

Disappointedsofa · 20/10/2023 20:56

He doesn't sound great, the dog thing would really put me off, not that he's a dog lover just the fact that it has to sleep in bed with him and that yous can't have sex because of it, it sounds so bizarre

GreyCarpet · 20/10/2023 21:41

In all honesty, the driving thing wouldn't bother me. If someone told me they'd had a bit of a fright driving, I wouldn't ask unless they offered info and it wouldn't occur to me to ask if there was anything I could do! I certainly wouldn't ask about it later if I called to say goodnight. Out side of an accident, driving frights are commonplace nowadays I find! Wouldn't even think someone was still bothered.

The dog thing is a bit crap. The plus one thing is a thoughtless and you'd assume he'd want to see you so that would put me off. Esp if it meant you didn't see each other for a month.

VelvetVoice · 20/10/2023 21:50

Being too low maintenance and not asking for much is a mistake that many women make and they usually give a lot before the men prove they deserve to receive

Also he seems emotionally unavailable for a more serious relationship

UsernameNotAvailableIsNotAvailableEither · 20/10/2023 21:59

Dating since June and while it’s been nice and I like his company I’m getting the feeling it’s not for me.

That’s all you need to know. You don’t owe him or your friends anything. If he’s not for you then don’t continue. It doesn’t have to be because he’s bad, or that there’s fault on either side, it’s just a case of not being right.

OP some women are so desperate that they’ll carry on with a man they aren’t into just because he’s not overtly bad. You don’t have to listen and be one of them.

TammyJones · 21/10/2023 09:10

You had me till you mentioned the dog sitter....

Malarandras · 21/10/2023 09:23

So for me the fact that you’ve written such a long post asking about this answers your question. If you have so much doubt end it - he is clearly not for you.