So I'm posting on behalf of my friend (if you've seen any of my other posts it's the same friend I'm referring to - let's call him Karl(40) to protect identities I'll change all the names involved.
As a bit of background for you all, Karl met Tori(54) about 18 years ago when he was in his early 20's and not innocent but maybe a little naive. It was pretty much love at first sight for Karl as Tori is a good looking woman with curves in all the right places and always has men after her. Anyway they got into a relationship which lasted about 4-5 years. The relationship was apparently very toxic back then as Tori is a narcissist and only cares about herself. She used to make Karl feel worthless as she never cared about his feelings and how she made him feel. Tori was only happy when Karl was all over her in the bedroom or talking about her. She would put him down and argue with him all the time making out that it was his faults that caused the arguments. The relationship was already on the rocks when Tori fell pregnant with their daughter Katie (now 14). Now we could argue that Karl should've been more careful at the time but Tori was on the pill allegedly and Karl saw the pregnancy as a total betrayal of his trust that Tori would get pregnant and have a baby to him without his consent but let's not dwell on that part please as that's not my point. It's simply there to emphasise the feelings Karl has towards Tori.
Needless to say, Karl became a great dad to Katie and is a huge part of her life but the relationship never survived that hurt he felt on top of the emotional abuse he had suffered over those few years whilst they were together.
It was Tori who finally ended the relationship after seeing a text message from another woman on Karl's phone. He had matched with a woman online who he was talking to (nothing more) mainly because he felt he couldn't talk to Tori without an argument. He would never have actually cheated on Tori as all of those needs were being met, he just felt like he had lost himself and this other woman was someone to listen to him.
Anyway, over the years Karl has been a great dad but has always resented Tori for her narcissistic behaviour as this was ultimately the problem with their relationship and what has meant he couldn't give Katie the family life he always wanted her to have. However he has never been able to get over Tori completely and move on to find someone else, someone who he truly deserves.
Over the years whenever Tori has wanted an ego boost she would be sexting Karl knowing she still has this power over him but on the whole they haven't really ever got back together.
Fast forward 13-14 years and they are starting a relationship with each other again. This time is way more serious than it's ever been in the last 13 years and after just a month Tori is apparently head over heels in love with him again, but nothing has actually changed! Karl has said how he doesn't even like her as a person because she can be so hurtful and nasty, he feels he can't be himself around her as he's constantly walking on eggshells trying not to set off another argument. He says he's still in love with her but he has become mostly indifferent to her. They have just had three days away together and quite frankly I think he'd rather have gone with me! He doesn't miss her when they're not together, he isn't as upset by her words as much, almost as though he's become numb to her. He does still feel attracted to her sexually and says he loves her but it seems like he isn't 'in love' with her anymore and only actually loves the idea of what it could be like if she was nice all of the time rather than just 5% of the time.
Karl is well aware that this relationship isn't great and I think he even knows it won't last but he wants to be there and be closer to his daughter - especially as she gets older and she is gaining her own independence he feels like he's losing her more. That's the main reason he is wanting to be with Tori again as he's said to me that if it wasn't for Katie he would've walked away from Tori years ago and never looked back.
Do you guys think that Tori will ever change her behaviour? Is Karl right to settle for a relationship with Tori knowing how toxic it is just for the sake of giving his daughter a better life? I know that's a tough one but what kind of message is it giving to Katie at an impressionable age that is ok to put up with an unhealthy relationship?
Please let me know your thoughts 🙏