Co-worker acting weird?

[RosieHale]

Hi everyone,

I'm dealing with a weird situation at work and I urgently need advice on how to handle it. When I was a student at my current university, there was a man in the professional services HR department whom I used to frequently spot. He consistently made me uncomfortable with his behavior. He used to stare at me each time I saw him, and I noticed his gaze lingering, making me uneasy even back then.

Fast forward to now, I've joined the same department on a part time basis, working 4 days a week. Initially, he never spoke to me and completely ignored me. However, I needed his help with a file and we had a small chat. After that, he began to greet me. Slowly, I noticed that he would see me in shift dresses (dress upto the knee) and look away and not even look at me. Gradually, he began to talk and chat and it was fine. Mostly office gossip about a colleague who created a lot of drama and was suspended.

However, recently he constantly tries to engage me in tasks that are irrelevant to my role, stating that they "coincide" with his duties. I was suppose to help a few other colleagues and I dont have to work with him but he made it seem like I have to. Thankfully, the colleagues told me that I dont need to work with him.

He watches me from behind, notices whom I looking at, constantly says "she's here,I am here" asks intrusive questions like whether I'm in the office all week, and frequently comes over to my desk when he thinks I'm not looking at him when he keeps going in and out of the office. Recently, he left the office within a minute of finding out that I was alone there, which alarmed me deeply. I was alone with a new colleague and was helping her to set up her login details on the PC and he walked in. He looked around and said if nobody was in the office and I said no, it was just me and the new colleague. He left instantly and did not return.

This alarmed me a little bit. I fear his intentions might be inappropriate, especially considering his history of staring when I was a student.

Has anyone else experienced a situation like this? How did you handle it?

He's in 40s.

Yes I was with a new colleague but he thought I was helping a staff member who wasn't a part of the HR team because he said she will leave soon and then he left

Honestly, I think you're massively overthinking it. Unless there is more than what you have already told us, he sounds harmless.

Edited to add: Unless he's said anything suggestive to you, touched you inappropriately, hinted at anything or tried to get you alone with him then I think you're fine.

I was trying to reassure her that he's not dangerous! Unless there's far more to it than looking at her and being a bit awkward, which I doubt or it would have been included by op.

I got a bit scared when I saw him following me and my colleague to the staff common room. He came behind us and was constantly looking at me but both of us ignored him

But if he was walking behind you, he would be looking at you wouldn't he? Also, how would you know he was constantly looking at you unless you turned around and looked at him too?

The only thing he said was if I was going to be in the office all this week.nothing suggestive so far except saying this and that if I do 's PhD then I will be a good PhD student

My colleague told me that he's following us and looking and she always says that he gossips a lot so she was like why is he following us

Oh okay. Just sounds a normal colleague to colleague conversation then.

So if he gossips a lot then he is a nosey parker who likes staring at everyone and eavesdropping. That's annoying but doesn't make him a rapist.

Recently, he left the office within a minute of finding out that I was alone there, which alarmed me deeply.

Am I missing something ? Why is this alarming behaviour? I'm sorry I don't get your concern OP.

Huh??
That doesn't make any sense. If he wanted to harm you, surely he'll do the opposite and linger on to "prey" on you when no one is there.
He does seem strange and the staring is creepy. I think you should definitely keep a distance and report him if he comes across creepy amd making you uncomfortable. Or start by speaking to other female colleagues, explain your experiences with him and ask if they too have noticed anything?
However the bit about leaving the office.. he's done nothing alarmkng in that instance.

I’m not sure what he’s done/doing wrong? Why is it bad he left the office? Why would that deeply alarm you?

I would just avoid him and stop looking at him at all. I wouldn’t report a person or discuss with other female colleagues If he hasn’t done anything wrong. He just seems to have crash on her. That’s all. Reporting him because “he stares”? Stop staring back. Avoid.

None of this sounds particularly threatening or weird OP. Have you ever had a “proper” job before and are you much younger than this colleague? I’m just wondering if he’s quite an awkward person and you’re not used to typical workplace chat/interactions so you’re reading too much into it. Either way, just stay away and don’t talk to him unless you have to for work purposes.

Personally, I can't see a single concerning thing in any of your posts? Nothing that he's actually done anyway, just things that you think?

I can't even see anything to suggest a crush, if anything it sounds more like he is wary of you and avoidant of you. Maybe have a look at yourself/your behaviour and consider if actually, he feels that you are a threat?

Yes, reporting him because he stares.
Staring is intimidating, creepy, rude and coming from a Male would make most women very uncomfortable.
OP has a right to go to work without feeling like she has to hide, ignore or worry about being followed, stared at, etc behaviours which are absolutely NOT ok.

I had noticed him looking at me while he was talking to a friend and then he looked over to where I was looking

He isn't wary of me

Yes I'm 30. He's in early 40s

How do you know he was looking at you unless you were turning back and looking at him?

Honestly, I think you’re overthinking a lot of this, and I really don’t understand the comment regarding shift dresses 🤷‍♀️

Sorry OP I hate to say it but I find your behaviour way more alarming than his. Do you like him? He just sounds like a guy going about his work day. Nothing he has done would concern me. If in your position he made me uncomfortable for what ever reason I'd just ignore him as I think HR would struggle to also see an issue with him. Not sure how him not wanting to be around you makes him have sinister motives.

Surely to know he was staring at you for long periods of time you had to be staring at him for a long period of time too? I wouldn't even jump to the conclusion he has a crush on you either. Maybe you constantly staring at him and acting all awkward around him he thinks you have a crush on him?

I also think you’re really overthinking this. What’s wrong with him asking if you’re in the office this week? This is something we regularly ask in my office, it’s just chat

I don't want to just jump on the bandwagon but honestly OP I just don't get it. If anything you seem oddly focused on him rather than the other way round.

From the evidence you have put forward, it sounds like a problem with your assumptions and ideas, rather than anything he is doing that is wrong. He is going out of his way not to be on his own in the office with you, and will not look at you at certain times - it is hard to see what he is doing that is anything other than what happens at work.

I don't have a crush on him. He's 40 years old or more