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Original poster

Porn but no masterbating??

34 replies

Mummyrere · 20/10/2023 07:54

My partner has said he has been watching porn but not masterbating? He says just when he scrolls on his phone he sometimes goes onto the sites and watches it. I’m just wondering what is the point in that? Would be good to get a man’s point of view? We’ve had a lot of porn related issues which I won’t really go into because it’s a long story but basically have asked him to not watch it anymore. Think he took that as don’t have a w*nk and watch it. Why does he watch it otherwise?? I don’t know which way I feel worse about. Before people start saying how porn is normal and all guys do it - I understand this but we’ve had a long standing issue involving this kind of side of stuff so that’s why I’ve asked him not to watch it.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 20/10/2023 08:23

He won't stop, and why should he? If it's not acceptable to you, then you will have to end the relationship as your views are incompatible.

Original poster
Mummyrere · 20/10/2023 08:28

You’re right. I had asked him to stop because a year ago he was paying cam girls. Also looking at porn of a girl he knows. Our sex life is non existent too on his part so that’s why I asked him to stop - but seems he doesn’t respect me enough to stop

OP posts:
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/10/2023 08:30

Bin him off he’s dragging you down.

Shoxfordian · 20/10/2023 08:44

He clearly doesn’t respect you at all
Why are you staying?

Worldgonecrazy · 20/10/2023 08:45

Genuine question: why are you with him?

snoopyandwoodstocks · 20/10/2023 08:50

You're wasting your energy on this loser, move on you can do much better

LightSpeeds · 20/10/2023 08:52

Well, I'm not sure it's 'normal' and it's not true that all men do it! More to the point women don't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour.

I'd bin him off.

Sandalholidays12 · 20/10/2023 08:53

Have you always had a sex issue? How old are you both?

I don't agree with the porn views on here. Is porn really the causing your sex issues? You can leave, but I think its wrong to micro manage your partner like this.

Loubelle70 · 20/10/2023 09:02

Been there OP. No matter how 'acceptable' some find it, you dont and that is key. Thats your boundary, thats good.
My ex was dependant on porn but he lied and lied, made promises but broke them everytime...was watching hours at a time.The positive in this is that he told you...but thats the only positive for you sadly.
I broke up with my ex after 25 years due to this and other things.
We rarely had sex about 15 years in thats where i guess, he was relying on porn. Theres many reasons men use porn, and thats entirely up to them, i didnt tell my ex he couldn't watch it, because we all need our own autonomy, however, i couldn't accept a relationship that involves porn and no sex. I disagree with the conditions that surround porn.
If he insists on watching you and partner are incompatible..it never ends well OP. You deserve better than to be constantly worried and policing, no man is worth that.
Also hes probably taking you for granted..please OP save your heartbreak... you'll feel youre not enough for him. He wont stop. Leave. I felt like a massive weight was lifted when i left. Id NEVER date anyone knowing they watched porn.. that's my boundary. If that means me being on my own, thats good. I dont need a man, get busy and have your own life OP. XXX

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 20/10/2023 09:12

This is honestly a sign of a porn addict. Wierd lying. He does wank. He won't admit it. Watching loads of it, edging, eventual ejaculating, little interest in sex with partner. Lying.

Very, very common now.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/10/2023 09:13

Would be good to get a man’s point of view?

So you posted on Mumsnet which is a site comprised of about 95% women!

I'm a woman, I do watch a fair bit of porn but it's always while wanking. It's not like anyone watches porn for the interesting plot or character development, is it.

Ultimately, and no matter anyone else's opinion on porn use, you've asked him to stop doing something because you feel it damages your relationship, and he's carried on doing it. What does that say about his commitment to your relationship?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/10/2023 09:16

Mummyrere · 20/10/2023 08:28

You’re right. I had asked him to stop because a year ago he was paying cam girls. Also looking at porn of a girl he knows. Our sex life is non existent too on his part so that’s why I asked him to stop - but seems he doesn’t respect me enough to stop

Has your sex life, and your relationship overall, improved since you asked him to stop using porn?

If it hasn't, then it sounds like it's time to walk away. Either he's carried on watching because he doesn't care enough to try stopping, or he has stopped but he's still not interested in sex with anyone except himself.

Peachonthebeach · 20/10/2023 09:19

I always wonder about this when I watch ‘friends’ and it’s very much a thing that Joey and chandler watch porn together🙈
Like do they just watch it, or are they wanking together? It seems a weird oversight in the story. I had always assumed that porn is just for wanking 🤷‍♀️

Makethemostofit · 20/10/2023 09:24

I find it amusing that someone would refer to objecting to a partners pornography use (which profoundly indicates and affects his attitude towards the opposite sex and the value of physical intimacy) as ‘micromanaging’ them.

You are allowed boundaries, you are allowed to be clear about your non-negotiables in an intimate relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/10/2023 09:26

It's an absolute tragedy that you've wasted so much time on this porn-addled loser. Raise the bar.

LightSpeeds · 20/10/2023 09:52

Makethemostofit · 20/10/2023 09:24

I find it amusing that someone would refer to objecting to a partners pornography use (which profoundly indicates and affects his attitude towards the opposite sex and the value of physical intimacy) as ‘micromanaging’ them.

You are allowed boundaries, you are allowed to be clear about your non-negotiables in an intimate relationship.

^This. 'Micromanaging' 😂

Loubelle70 · 20/10/2023 10:07

LightSpeeds · 20/10/2023 09:52

^This. 'Micromanaging' 😂

Show quote history

Double this ^

Original poster
Mummyrere · 20/10/2023 10:17

It’s not micro managing - we had a discussion and I said about my boundary. Our sex life and overall my whole confidence is rock bottom so I asked him to stop watching porn which he agreed to to raise the trust, confidence and hopefully make our relationship better. Which it hasn’t so far but that’s because he keeps breaking his promise

OP posts:
BIWI · 20/10/2023 10:22

You have posted several threads over the last year or so, all about the same thing - your partner's use of porn/cam girls.

Why are you still with him? He's obviously not going to change.

GilberMarkham · 20/10/2023 12:42

basically have asked him to not watch it anymore. Think he took that as don’t have a wnk and watch it*

How convenient that he decided you saying .. please don't watch porn anymore as meaning "you can watch it but you're not allowed to masturbate while watching it".

Very fkg unlikely.

He just made that up.

When caught, he just thought "how can I wriggle out of this? Ok, I'll say I watch it but I don't wank ....".

I doubt he's not wanking .. really .. but even if he isn't, he's still watching porn - which you requested he didn't and presumably he agreed to (?)

Like seriously, he's taking the absolute piss.

You asked him to stop watching it, that was end of. You didn't ask him to stop wanking while watching it.

It was clear.

Anyway - you've mentioned he previously moved to cam 'girls".

That's cheating in my book.

Interactive, live and often spending household money too.

(Btw I have no problem with porn .... But this guy is lying/bullshitting
.. and the cam sex is crossing a line).

I'd like to see his reaction if you were doing that with male escorts.

Would it be acceptable - would it fuck.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 20/10/2023 13:25

@Mummyrere I'm a married man. When I first started dating my wife, I stopped watching any porn until getting a chance to ask how she felt about it (several months in.) She said that she didn't care (as long as our sex life was good) so I went back to watching occasionally for a while, but it often left me feeling kind of down and empty so I stopped again completely years ago. If she'd told me that she really objected to it, I wouldn't have watched it at all in our relationship.

I think it's unacceptable to lie to one's partner about it, and "porn of a girl he knows" sounds really messed up! And claiming that he now just watches and doesn't masturbate sounds suspicious and also strange, like a gambling addict still wanting to hang around casinos without betting. It all sounds dodgy and I think it's completely understandable that you're unhappy about it.

Original poster
Mummyrere · 20/10/2023 13:54

I know this. I’m just feeling very trapped and feel like a broken woman. My confidence is at an all time low, I have no energy left and I’m just trying to think of what I can do. I’m also still struggling with idea of being a single mum and my life not being how I wanted it to be.. I’ve just wanted to try my hardest to make it ok so I know I’ve done anything I can. I know what you’re saying. I need to find some kind of confidence. I think I’m trying to get a plan in place, get some strength and make a plan so I can get out. I’m just trying to vent and get some kind of reassurance from people that it’s not me being unreasonable because my self esteem and mental health is so low I’m just always questioning myself

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 20/10/2023 14:09

@Mummyrere It's certainly not unreasonable to expect him to keep his promises. You deserve to be valued and treated with respect. I would also say that his porn use is no reflection on you. I knew a guy whose girlfriend looked like a supermodel and he still watched lots of porn. Some guys just seem to be wired that way.

MinnieL · 20/10/2023 14:16

I mean how many times are you going to come on here and post the same thing? The responses are not going to change yet it seems you’re expecting to be told something different each time.

The relationship is dead. Your sex life is dead. Stop trying to force someone to change when they clearly have no desire too. You need to leave and stop kidding yourself that this person will change and be the man you want.

Sorry to be blunt but a year and a half later and you’re still with this loser. All he’s doing is dragging you down. What sort of life is that?

Sandalholidays12 · 20/10/2023 14:19

@Makethemostofit sorry I meant to come back earlier... because when I commented I had missed OPs 2nd update I can see there has been more than porn.
Absolutely EACH person is allowed to have their own personal boundaries and desires its not a case where one person gets to dictate to the other person what to do. If so many women are against porn use then they need to ask this question before getting into a relationship with that person.

As a woman I do watch a bit of porn now and again, I am a single person but if I met somebody and they started being so intrusive he wouldn't need to lay down his boundaries to me.... because I'd be the one walking. Just giving a balanced view here.