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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP telling his kids about me this evening

31 replies

Blushingm · 18/10/2023 21:05

And I'm on pins - I just can't concentrate on anything.

His divorce was quite acrimonious - he moved out of the marital home 2 years ago to a rented flat but has owned his new house about a year now. We've been together about 18 months.

His kids found it difficult having their parents split up and him move out. They were 9 & 12 at the time. He has them 6 out of 14 nights a fortnight and they're very close.

I'm really worrying about what their reaction is going to be. I'm afraid they're going to be unhappy in which case I know DP will find it really hard maybe impossible to keep seeing me - which I do completely understand, his DC should be his main priority

OP posts:
ricecakesareshit · 18/10/2023 21:05

Have you met them?

letstrythatagain · 18/10/2023 21:16

Eek! I've been there and it was totally fine in the end but I understand the nerves 😃. Hope it all goes well!

Original poster
Blushingm · 18/10/2023 21:17

@ricecakesareshit no, they don't even know their dad has a new partner

@letstrythatagain my stomach is in knots. The DC should be normally in bed at 9.30ish so I'm hoping he'll let me know how they took the news. I'm glad yours went well 🤞🏻🤞🏻

OP posts:
GreyDressOh · 18/10/2023 22:05

I think it would be unfair of him to end the relationship, just because they are unhappy. However, if he is wanting you and them to meet, and they don’t want to, then I think he should absolutely respect that.

Jtdoyoveme · 18/10/2023 22:15

Do you want to meet them?
are they girls or boys?

I have a 10 year old daughter who I told about my partner a few months ago and she doesn’t want to meet him and I am ok with it. He however doesn’t understand it! I feel at 10 for a girl is prime time for drama.

we have been seeing each other for a year, but the same as your partner, my DD is with her dad 6 out of 14 nights so we get chance to see each other so I have planted the seed and will see how it pans out

Good luck but don’t be offended if they chose not to meet you - that shouldn’t change your relationship with DP ☺️

dottydaily · 18/10/2023 22:38

I have been there,my partners child was 6 when we meet.she was so curious about me,her Dad was happy so she was happy,they are very close.I do feel I meet her at a good age.

Jonti23 · 18/10/2023 22:44

It’s difficult. Teenagers can be unforgiving and at that young age all kids want to do is see their family reunited. Good luck.

beigevase · 18/10/2023 22:52

You both sound very sensible. It's actually nice to read a thread on here where a considerable amount of time for the relationship to develop without involving the DC.

He sounds like a good dad who is very involved in his children's life and has definitely put their needs over his own - again refreshing to read!

I'm sure he will stil continue to put his DCs needs first and make them very aware of this.

Really hope it goes well for you both.

Original poster
Blushingm · 19/10/2023 07:47

Well he told them. He put it that he wanted to tell them himself rather than them hear gossip. That's he's been seeing me a while and that's it's now likely long term but emphasised that they're still important nothing will change there - I'm not coming in as mum - their mum is their mum - that it's good if they want to meet me but fine if they don't

The youngest is pretty laid back and was fine. The eldest was a little quite so DP checked if he had any questions he said no - DP 'have I over thought this' and his DS replied 'yeah probably'

I'm hoping this means that it's going to be ok - the eldest is quite thoughtful so maybe he just needs a bit of time to digest it?

OP posts:
ThisIsaNiceDress · 19/10/2023 10:38

@Blushingm following with interest let us know if there are any developments please!

frozendaisy · 19/10/2023 11:43

Sounds fine OP.

They might need a bit of time to come to terms that perhaps mum and dad are really not getting back together.

The exW might be a handful once she finds out, "she's never meeting my kids" etc.

But this might all be speculation.

It does really sound as good as it can be.

They know now just carry on one step at a time.

Dweetfidilove · 19/10/2023 14:20

Sounds like a good start.

You both sound sensible and responsible so fingers crossed for you all.

Original poster
Blushingm · 19/10/2023 21:23

We'll see how they go - well, he will. And that's the thing - it's a sign their mum & dad not getting back together - they could've had a little bit of hope before that it may happen

Suppose time will tell but I'm really hoping everyone is happy

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 22:11

Isn’t this making a mountain Unecessarily

he doesn’t need their permission to date !

most people keep their dating life separate for very good reasons

either way I’d go slow slow slow !
and no need to meet them if it’s going to be a stress

Original poster
Blushingm · 19/10/2023 22:43

@Thisisworsethananticpated I agree but we eventually do hope to live together so they do need to know - plus it would've be awful if they'd heard gossip

OP posts:
Friter · 19/10/2023 22:55

No kid ever wants this so there will be some issues ahead. You just have to see how it goes.

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 06:49

Readung your undated post it strikes me that you have some glee and vested interest into. wanting daddy to make a commitment of not going back so this is quite an event for yiu and not so much about what the kids are feeling. It’s different if they are meeting u in person but this puts a dagger straight into their little hearts.

christinarossetti19 · 20/10/2023 07:02

What a horrible post.

DP has no intention of going back to his ex. OP understands that their relationship is a clear sign to the children that this won't be happening and that they will find this difficult.

GreyDressOh · 20/10/2023 07:23

this puts a dagger straight into their little hearts

🤣

piscofrisco · 20/10/2023 07:23

Ignore @Jonti23.
Between the two of you you have done the right things. You can't predict what what the kids immediate, short, mid or even long term reactions will be ,but so far so good.
It's fine to want to start thinking about the future and you have recognised the need to take this slowly and that living together is a way off and dependent on the kids response.
You just can't win with some posters on here Confused

HerMammy · 20/10/2023 08:20

@Jonti23
Little hearts? they're 12,15 and parents have been split for a few years, I think they know there's no road back.
Not everyone panders 24/7 to their kids to the detriment of themselves.

Original poster
Blushingm · 20/10/2023 08:21

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 06:49

Readung your undated post it strikes me that you have some glee and vested interest into. wanting daddy to make a commitment of not going back so this is quite an event for yiu and not so much about what the kids are feeling. It’s different if they are meeting u in person but this puts a dagger straight into their little hearts.

All posts on here are dated.......so not sure what you mean.

I also don't see what glee I'm portraying. My main point is his DC are his priority which they should be (as are mine) and we just want to get things right and for them not to be upset or uncomfortable

OP posts:
BungalowBuyer · 20/10/2023 08:24

Jonti23 · 20/10/2023 06:49

Readung your undated post it strikes me that you have some glee and vested interest into. wanting daddy to make a commitment of not going back so this is quite an event for yiu and not so much about what the kids are feeling. It’s different if they are meeting u in person but this puts a dagger straight into their little hearts.

Good grief !!

amylou8 · 20/10/2023 08:52

I can't get my head around letting kids control a relationship like this.
I was a stepkid, I met my stepdad when I was 10. He's an amazing man and I love him very much, but even the thought that I could have vitoed my mum's relationship strikes me as very odd.
Likewise my kids didn't get a say in my relationship. Unless he was unkind or mistreated them in some way then of course he'd have been gone in a shot.
It would be a red flag for me going forward if you think he would end things because he kids said no thanks. You'll always be second best.

TheLongpigs · 20/10/2023 08:57

@Blushingm just wanted to say that I think the two of you have handled this brilliantly, and I wish you all the best for the future.

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