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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner possibly on hook up website

41 replies

user0192002 · 18/10/2023 20:22

I received a facebook message off a random woman today saying that my partner has been sending her messages on a hook up website. She sent me a photo of the profile and although it wasn't a photo of him the other details matched.
I don't know what to do 🙁

OP posts:
FSTraining · 18/10/2023 20:24

I had similar experiences with my ex-wife. Don't do anything yet. They will deny it and the trail will go cold. I'll post more in a minute.

Catoo · 18/10/2023 20:33

I’m sorry OP.
Did she say how she knows he is your husband? Has he used his real name for example? Did she send any of his messages? If so did it sound like things he would write?
The only thing stopping me thinking it’s someone causing trouble who faked a profile is the fact they used a photo that wasn’t him. I would expect a faker would use his pic. Unless they are v clever.
💐

FSTraining · 18/10/2023 20:34

Okay, right now your whole world is collapsing and you are desperate for answers. Unless you are patient and methodical, you will never get them. The best case scenario is that someone else has stolen your partner's details to cover up their real identity. This is possible if the photo is not of him.

The worst case in this situation is probably that he is looking for phone sex and the like. If he was looking for hookups, he wouldn't use a fake picture. (By all means you can do a simple test though. Keep a record of his car mileometer. When he says he is going somewhere, check how far it is to go there and back. If the mileage is significantly different you will know he is lying, without having to do anything too invasive to his privacy).

What you need to do is try and hide your feelings and observe him. Is his behaviour different? Classic signs are spending more time in the bathroom, going to bed early or late and being short tempered. Also, you will find cheats are terrible at covering their tracks. You won't necessarily find out exactly what they are doing but you will be able to catch them in a lie sooner or later.

One other thing. Good people often expect cheats to confess their sins when they are found out. Man or woman, they almost never do. They will only ever admit to what you know, at most, and they will try and explain that away too. They mind even try angling to find out what you know. If you catch them red handed, they will almost certainly blame their behaviour on you. It is all bollocks and for your own mental health you can safely ignore it. A cheat's brain is so warped you would be as well to get fashion tips from a 3 year old.

Isthisexpected · 18/10/2023 20:41

My husband used a fake picture online and only sent his real picture via KIK app (doesn't allow screenshots).

You have to do more digging and ultimately I enlisted to someone to create a profile and see if it's him. It was!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/10/2023 20:45

You either trust him or you don't. If you don't, then end things. If you do, then brush this off.

Go with what you really feel about it and communicate with your partner along the way.

Also, if you're at the point of "following a trail" or other similar shyte, just call it off for everyone's sakes; once trust is gone it never really comes back.

FSTraining · 18/10/2023 20:47

Isthisexpected · 18/10/2023 20:41

My husband used a fake picture online and only sent his real picture via KIK app (doesn't allow screenshots).

You have to do more digging and ultimately I enlisted to someone to create a profile and see if it's him. It was!

KIK is a classic sign too, I don't think anyone uses KIK for anything but cheating. Snapchat is another popular one.

FSTraining · 18/10/2023 20:48

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/10/2023 20:45

You either trust him or you don't. If you don't, then end things. If you do, then brush this off.

Go with what you really feel about it and communicate with your partner along the way.

Also, if you're at the point of "following a trail" or other similar shyte, just call it off for everyone's sakes; once trust is gone it never really comes back.

This is easier said than done. People's lives become entwined and you sometimes need to check your facts before ending things.

OnAir · 18/10/2023 20:51

Apple air tag in the boot.

supiciousminds · 18/10/2023 21:06

Won't the air tag notify other Apple users of its location e.g device nearby alert?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2023 21:08

Make your own profile and find out for yourself.

Lavenderosa · 18/10/2023 21:10

How does she know you're his partner?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/10/2023 21:42

Yeah make your own profile
use a friends photo that he doesn’t know
then disable profile when done

FSTraining · 18/10/2023 23:18

OnAir · 18/10/2023 20:51

Apple air tag in the boot.

A legal grey area. I would generally advise against this.

FSTraining · 18/10/2023 23:19

Lavenderosa · 18/10/2023 21:10

How does she know you're his partner?

That's a great question

PinkMoscatoLover · 18/10/2023 23:22

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/10/2023 20:45

You either trust him or you don't. If you don't, then end things. If you do, then brush this off.

Go with what you really feel about it and communicate with your partner along the way.

Also, if you're at the point of "following a trail" or other similar shyte, just call it off for everyone's sakes; once trust is gone it never really comes back.

Awful advice

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 00:40

I do this, I think of it as a public service. It's a hobby.. I message wives and partners about cheating husbands/partners, I even message them when I can see their other halves sleazing on thirsty pics on facebook etc. They should know.

OnAir · 19/10/2023 05:33

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 00:40

I do this, I think of it as a public service. It's a hobby.. I message wives and partners about cheating husbands/partners, I even message them when I can see their other halves sleazing on thirsty pics on facebook etc. They should know.

You sound like you need to get a real hobby or maybe some friends.

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 09:09

@OnAir Got plenty thankyou, just waste about half an hour a week. But hopefully helps someone get out.
You sound defensive, maybe too close to home for you. 😘

LollyStrolly · 19/10/2023 10:07

Sorry you are going through this OP. Can you go through the search history of his phone and see if the website pops up? Can you see any messaging apps on his phone like Kik or Telegram, they would probably be hidden in folders though. Has he the opportunity to meet random hook ups? Has his behaviour changed?

Bookworm20 · 19/10/2023 10:25

Did she seem like she was trying to let you know, in a concerned sort of i'm sorry but this appears to be your husband kind of way? If so and she seems approachable, are you able to ask her to set up a meet up with him, then just follow him there, if it is indeed him.
may as well take the opportunity to catch him red handed if the woman who let you know is willing to help with that.

OnAir · 19/10/2023 10:34

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 09:09

@OnAir Got plenty thankyou, just waste about half an hour a week. But hopefully helps someone get out.
You sound defensive, maybe too close to home for you. 😘

Not all all. You just come across as a martyr and a bit of a loser with nothing better to do 😘.

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 12:35

@OnAir It's okay to get things wrong don't worry.

FSTraining · 19/10/2023 13:21

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 12:35

@OnAir It's okay to get things wrong don't worry.

Indeed. I think either the words "busy body" or "troll" spring to mind instead and I'm strongly inclined to think it is the latter based on personal experience of telling a wronged spouse they have been cheated on.

People who have never told a wronged spouse that they are being cheated on probably think they'll be thanked for it. That is almost never the case. Having a stranger come up to you and tell you the person you love is cheating on you is almost never well received.

My wife had multiple affairs. The first two I identified the man and snitched to their partners. On both occasions I was told to "eff" off. A quick bit of Googling suggests this is the most common initial response.

Unless you enjoy being told to "eff off" I suspect you don't actually do what you claim to be doing.

OnAir · 19/10/2023 13:41

@Disturbia81 I just find it sad that you take such pleasure in other people's misery and class it as a hobby especially when it's people you don't know.

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 14:11

OnAir · 19/10/2023 13:41

@Disturbia81 I just find it sad that you take such pleasure in other people's misery and class it as a hobby especially when it's people you don't know.

So people should be able to get away with it? The spouse shouldn't be able to make an informed choice or protect from diseases? You sound like you think people should stay ignorant.
I won't be stopping. I wish I'd been told.

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