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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner possibly on hook up website

41 replies

user0192002 · 18/10/2023 20:22

I received a facebook message off a random woman today saying that my partner has been sending her messages on a hook up website. She sent me a photo of the profile and although it wasn't a photo of him the other details matched.
I don't know what to do 🙁

OP posts:
bronkie · 19/10/2023 16:21

supiciousminds · 18/10/2023 21:06

Won't the air tag notify other Apple users of its location e.g device nearby alert?

No that is not how they work. They are paired to your phone.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 21:08

Disturbia81

I’m finding your one person cheating detective work a bit concerning !
assuming you were cheated on and presumably very saddened by it …

is this a joyful hobby for you ?
surely it’s horrible seeing this all the time no ?

and are people still friends with you after you dob their partner in it ? I’m genuinely curious and I’m not having a dig

BarbieHatesKen · 19/10/2023 21:11

bronkie · 19/10/2023 16:21

No that is not how they work. They are paired to your phone.

Show quote history

@bronkie i think i have an air tag on my car -i know this isnt relevant to the thread - but how would i find it?

I use a samsung - so android - i asked my son who has apple to check - but he said he found nothing.

do you know how i would find it? I want whatever it is off my car -i will take it to a garage next week to look underneath etc - but if there is an easy way to find it i would love that!

the guy turns up where I am so regularly it cant be coincidence - and I want the tracker - and him - GONE!

bronkie · 19/10/2023 21:36

@BarbieHatesKen I'm sorry - no idea.

Rania78 · 19/10/2023 21:54

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 09:09

@OnAir Got plenty thankyou, just waste about half an hour a week. But hopefully helps someone get out.
You sound defensive, maybe too close to home for you. 😘

But how do you find this info? How do you know someone cheated or scrolled sleazy photos on FB?

Disturbia81 · 19/10/2023 22:31

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/10/2023 21:08

Disturbia81

I’m finding your one person cheating detective work a bit concerning !
assuming you were cheated on and presumably very saddened by it …

is this a joyful hobby for you ?
surely it’s horrible seeing this all the time no ?

and are people still friends with you after you dob their partner in it ? I’m genuinely curious and I’m not having a dig

Not friends partners, never known them to cheat. This is random strangers and I do from a fake account and provide proof.
Only do a couple a week. I don't think of it the rest of the time. I have a happy life, just want to help other women.

OnAir · 20/10/2023 04:31

@Disturbia81 what if you're wrong and you're just going round tipping peoples lives upside down because it makes you feel better with very little regard for anyone involved. You're bitter because you have been cheated on, so it's actually a lot closer to your home than it is mine I find this actually quite disturbing, you need help. Your name of very fitting.

Rania78 · 20/10/2023 05:37

Tbh If you provide proof it would be handy in the court. Instead of paying a private investigator 😂.

i would have liked to know if cheated and it would spare me the pain of trying to find proof myself.

but how do you do it? How do you know someone cheated and find the proof?

FSTraining · 20/10/2023 09:19

Rania78 · 20/10/2023 05:37

Tbh If you provide proof it would be handy in the court. Instead of paying a private investigator 😂.

i would have liked to know if cheated and it would spare me the pain of trying to find proof myself.

but how do you do it? How do you know someone cheated and find the proof?

You shouldn't go overboard with trying to find out. You should trust your instincts and believe me, if someone you have been with for a long time has been cheating you will know. The need for hard evidence - I think - stems from disbelief that they're cheating because deep down will you know already.

There are some low invasive techniques that are more appropriate than tracking or stalking (doing these activities will make you feel worse, not better). The one I suggested above, where you keep an eye on their mileage for a few days is a good one. When I first suspected my wife was cheating I looked for signs on the bank statement and noticed we were spending a lot more on petrol than normal. I watched her milometer for a few days when she was just meant to be going to work and noticed she was sometimes driving some 50 miles more than she would need to for work every day. That on its own is enough to say a person is lying to you about where they are and combined with the shitty attitude cheats normally develop towards people in their "normal" life and the vastly increased amount of phone usage is normally enough evidence.

Poking around any further will only provide detail that you don't want to know. It's better at this stage to confront and gauge the response (the difference between a cheat and an innocent person is that an innocent person will deny it and be a bit annoyed, a real cheat will go to town with their denial, give elaborate stories about where they actually went on the day in question when they racked up another 50 miles and will probably attack your character/counter accuse too. Another technique is to let on that you know more than you do. They might start angling for what you know). At this point you will know enough to move on to making a decision about what you do for yourself.

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 09:32

@FSTraining spot-on with the advice. Character assassination of their betrayed partner is by far the most compelling 'tell' of a betrayer. It's utterly logical but I doubt many people would realise it unless they've experienced it. Firstly, because having your character assassinated by your loved-one, out of the blue, is distressing, disturbing, de-stabilising and deflective. Nobody in that moment is going to realise that this is of course the sign of a guilty person. You're right @FSTraining in that if an innocent person is asked if they are cheating there would be no way on earth they would launch a character assassination on the questioner. The first response would be to say no, to ask why they are being asked that, and of course to be somewhat annoyed.

Disturbia81 · 20/10/2023 09:57

OnAir · 20/10/2023 04:31

@Disturbia81 what if you're wrong and you're just going round tipping peoples lives upside down because it makes you feel better with very little regard for anyone involved. You're bitter because you have been cheated on, so it's actually a lot closer to your home than it is mine I find this actually quite disturbing, you need help. Your name of very fitting.

You sound very affected by this. Better cover your tracks better 😉

I don't get the wrong people.

Not bitter. Just want to help women. ♥️

Disturbia81 · 20/10/2023 09:58

And actually lots of people do like to see proof. They need to see it to accept it and try and move on.

FSTraining · 20/10/2023 12:27

hallingthedecks · 20/10/2023 09:32

@FSTraining spot-on with the advice. Character assassination of their betrayed partner is by far the most compelling 'tell' of a betrayer. It's utterly logical but I doubt many people would realise it unless they've experienced it. Firstly, because having your character assassinated by your loved-one, out of the blue, is distressing, disturbing, de-stabilising and deflective. Nobody in that moment is going to realise that this is of course the sign of a guilty person. You're right @FSTraining in that if an innocent person is asked if they are cheating there would be no way on earth they would launch a character assassination on the questioner. The first response would be to say no, to ask why they are being asked that, and of course to be somewhat annoyed.

Yes. In a nutshell, when they assassinate your character and do it articulately (even if inaccurately), then you know they've already talked to someone else about you. Probably pillow talk with their affair partner.

FSTraining · 20/10/2023 12:27

Disturbia81 · 20/10/2023 09:57

You sound very affected by this. Better cover your tracks better 😉

I don't get the wrong people.

Not bitter. Just want to help women. ♥️

Show quote history

Why would this just help women? Men aren't having affairs with each other.

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 12:42

I have messaged a woman to say her partner is trying to cheat in the past. It's good to let another woman know things that she should know. Better that than a woman live for years with a cheating partner in ignorance.

My one didn't leave him at the time, she let him off, but messaged months later to tell me I was right about him and they'd split up.

Disturbia81 · 20/10/2023 17:48

porridgeisbae · 20/10/2023 12:42

I have messaged a woman to say her partner is trying to cheat in the past. It's good to let another woman know things that she should know. Better that than a woman live for years with a cheating partner in ignorance.

My one didn't leave him at the time, she let him off, but messaged months later to tell me I was right about him and they'd split up.

Exactly.. had loads of grateful replies.

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