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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hiding texts

46 replies

Fassbender2020 · 18/10/2023 20:00

I had another thread where I was advised to check my dh phone but thats not my question this time. It's just context

I have been keeping at eye on his texts from his female friend. The texts aren't sexual at all, only conversation and caring friendly. Which has thrown me, I don't know what I was expecting. He doesn't know I've seen, I've been looking a few times a day when he leaves it unlocked. Now the thing I find the weird thing, he deletes texts from her after each little interaction. Like on Saturday our child wasn't well and she text asking how they were I saw it flash up on phone when he wasn't in the room and pretended I hadn't. When he saw it he deleted it without opening it and later on I looked again and he had replied. I don't understand why he would be hiding friendly conversation

Why would you do that

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 18/10/2023 20:09

Because they aren’t important to him and clog up his phone log. I am always deleting old texts they annoy me

booboo24 · 18/10/2023 20:10

Maybe he thinks you'll read things into it?

Redglitter · 18/10/2023 20:11

I do that with all conversations I have except for immediate family. Soon as the c9nversation is finished it gets deleted

UpUpUpU · 18/10/2023 20:13

Stop looking at his phone multiple times a day? That’s pretty odd behaviour on your part

Whattodo112222 · 18/10/2023 20:18

Huge invasion of privacy to look at his phone multi times a day OP.

Sounds just like friendly chat. Perhaps just ask him?
Don't get obsessed with multiple daily phone checking .. its not healthy.

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 18/10/2023 20:22

I wasn't looking for no reason, that's why I gave context

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 18/10/2023 21:02

Well maybe there’s general chat but also other inappropriate chat so he’s got into the habit of deleting every message from her?

I believe there’s a way to recover deleted messages on iPhone although I’m not sure how.

Pumpkinpie1 · 19/10/2023 09:05

OP what previous advise are you referring to?

Aikko · 19/10/2023 09:20

I don't like what I heard | Mumsnet

It doesn't look good for OP.

Maze76 · 19/10/2023 09:36

From your previous post and this one, I’d say at some point the relationship either entered emotional affair territory or was close to being one.
I could be wrong but it sounds like he’s pulled back - I would keep an eye open and just try engaging in small talk about his day and work life - show interest but don’t mention her.

Bookworm20 · 19/10/2023 09:45

He is deleting them because he does not want the risk of you seeing them.

Sorry but if it was all innocent he wouldn't be bothered.

Unless he deletes texts from everyone, that is.

You can see the deleted texts if he has an iphone btw.

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 19/10/2023 09:50

My mum deletes all texts routinely.
That in itself wouldn't be worrying necessarily.
I think the fact he leaves his phone unlocked shows he has nothing to hide.
OR he leaves it unlocked to give that impression.

LetsTryToHelp · 19/10/2023 10:04

Why would he leave his phone unlocked and unattended if he wanted to hide his texts?

Think about it!

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 19/10/2023 10:16

He's extremely forgetful so him leaving his phone unlocked is definitely not on purpose, irs usually he's using it and he gets up to go to our child making a noise not casually leaving it around

He doesn't delete texts from anyone else either so that's making my suspicious too

How would it suggest him pulling back? If anything it's made me more concerned as why would he be hiding normal conversation. Deleting her message then replying hours later and continuing the conversation. Surely you would just reply and not delete the initial question

Can you do that with a sony phone or just iPhone?

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 19/10/2023 12:25

Oh I remember your other post and feel for your OP. Clearly you have some gut feeling about their relationship as I would too. I guess if he’s forgetful all you can do is keep an eye on things when you can. But clearly the fact he’s deleting things definitely shows he’s covering his tracks. My ex deleted messages he was sending to his ex and in the end I found out he was being inappropriate. If you are deleting messages and don’t normally do that then clearly there is a reason and usually it’s not an honest one. Hope you can get to the bottom of it. I’d keep an eye on him.

Bobbotgegrinch · 19/10/2023 12:49

He's probably doing it because he knows you're being nosy as fuck and looking at them.

Stop snooping at your partners phone!

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 19/10/2023 12:50

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 21:03

For anyone following my last thread, he moved out and now lives with her

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 22/10/2023 21:07

Oh I’m so sorry! Did you ever get any proof? Has he said they’re an item? Hope you’re ok

Missingmyusername · 22/10/2023 21:16

Pumpkinpie1 · 18/10/2023 20:09

Because they aren’t important to him and clog up his phone log. I am always deleting old texts they annoy me

Oh get out of here! 🤣 this wasn’t a text the partner read it was unread and he deleted it.

There is no need to delete texts OP. There’s clearly lack of trust if you read texts, but I can’t think of any reason to delete texts. You’ve a sick child and he’s texting, you’re snooping, OW strangely involved …. Priorities.

I see he’s moved out- good bloody riddance! You can do better and will.

CaroleSinger · 22/10/2023 21:17

What a shocker. So your gut feeling was right?

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 22:23

He's not actually said they are together, he's not from here so she's his only friend locally but yes he's at her house. It's too painful to go in to but no, he didn't admit anything had happened just that he'd tried after the baby came but wasn't happy before and isn't happy still, he loves me as their mother but not as a partner and he can't make us both miserable and have them growing up thinking our style of relationship is normal and wants 50 50 custody

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 22/10/2023 22:25

Oh trust me, he'll soon go off the idea of 50 50 when he realises what it actually means for his private life. Painful I know but in time you will see a silver lining in all this xx

Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 22:45

He won't, he'd want them full time if I'd let him (I was right, he did say that's why he stayed before) he's a wonderful father, I can't fault him there and I won't be using them as a weapon either

OP posts:
Original poster
Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 22:45

Thank you for the kind thoughts

OP posts:
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