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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hiding texts

46 replies

Fassbender2020 · 18/10/2023 20:00

I had another thread where I was advised to check my dh phone but thats not my question this time. It's just context

I have been keeping at eye on his texts from his female friend. The texts aren't sexual at all, only conversation and caring friendly. Which has thrown me, I don't know what I was expecting. He doesn't know I've seen, I've been looking a few times a day when he leaves it unlocked. Now the thing I find the weird thing, he deletes texts from her after each little interaction. Like on Saturday our child wasn't well and she text asking how they were I saw it flash up on phone when he wasn't in the room and pretended I hadn't. When he saw it he deleted it without opening it and later on I looked again and he had replied. I don't understand why he would be hiding friendly conversation

Why would you do that

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 23/10/2023 06:15

This must be so hard on you. Well clearly he’s using this “friend” as a way to leave you but I do think it’s probably in appropriate too. Bet he’s not sleeping on her sofa!

As others have said you are better off even if at the moment your world may feel it’s crumbling. In reality it’s better it’s happened now then years down the line. You now need to focus on you and your babies- are you able to stay where you’re living? Are you entitled to any benefits to help you as a single person?

LightSpeeds · 23/10/2023 06:30

Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 21:03

For anyone following my last thread, he moved out and now lives with her

Oh, my gosh. How awful.

How are you doing?

Aikko · 23/10/2023 08:21

Fassbender2020 · 22/10/2023 22:23

He's not actually said they are together, he's not from here so she's his only friend locally but yes he's at her house. It's too painful to go in to but no, he didn't admit anything had happened just that he'd tried after the baby came but wasn't happy before and isn't happy still, he loves me as their mother but not as a partner and he can't make us both miserable and have them growing up thinking our style of relationship is normal and wants 50 50 custody

He can't even admit he's been having an affair, even after he moves in with her. Incredible.

MsDogLady · 23/10/2023 08:45

I’m really sorry, @Fassbender2020. I feared that they had a romantic connection when she was confused as to why he hugged her differently and sat away from her in your home. And their level of contact was another clue. Your instincts were correct.

He’s been having an affair in plain sight, but is still too cowardly to admit it. You must be gutted. Consider accessing IC to help you move through the grieving process. Ultimately you’ll recover your peace of mind as you walk your new path with your sweet DC.

Fassbender2020 · 23/10/2023 12:30

The house is mine so I don't need to worry and I don't think I'm entitled to benefits. He's left with literally nothing so I'm not under any illusions he stayed for anything other than the children now. I don't want them away from me

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Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 12:31

If i thought that my oh was checking my texts like you are I would be off like a shot

Maddy70 · 23/10/2023 12:32

Ahhhh just read your update. That's shitty. I'm sorry

Fassbender2020 · 23/10/2023 20:03

Thank you

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Fassbender2020 · 24/10/2023 20:41

We spoke again today, he swears nothing has happened while we were together bar a kiss when they first met a few years ago. He doesn't see that even if that's true, he's kept her, they've kept each other as a best friend and continued to fall in love which is clear to me if not to him. He still won't admit he loves her to me but no one would risk leaving with nothing and maintain a close friendship with another woman risking his children if he didn't, would he?!

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Chelsea543 · 24/10/2023 21:36

From what I’ve heard over the years men tend to leave once they have a new person to go to. I guess she’s always been the back burner option for him. How are you doing OP? Are you able to financially cope on your own or is he still helping pay for where you are now?

Fassbender2020 · 24/10/2023 22:02

I think he's loved her all along and been denying it to himself

Yes, my post on the previous page explains

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CaroleSinger · 24/10/2023 22:06

Does he know what you overheard about how he wasn't hugging her correctly? Perhaps its time he did.

Time4achange11 · 24/10/2023 22:07

I'd say he's not wanting you to see them and think he's got a bond with another woman.

Fassbender2020 · 25/10/2023 06:58

I updated on the previous page, it's well past the texts

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Chatnel36 · 25/10/2023 07:05

deleted

itsmyp4rty · 25/10/2023 08:03

So he kissed her when he met her a few years ago and has kept in close contact, texting a lot since then and now he's moved in with her? I don't think you really need to torture yourself with any more of his lies. do you? I wouldn't bother trying to get him to admit things, he'll say what you want to hear if it's to his benefit. Don't let it mess with your head, he's made his choice and he's with her - and you deserve a million times better.

Start thinking about how you move forward now. About doing what's best for you and your kids. Don't give him too much head space, start concentrating on you.

Fassbender2020 · 25/10/2023 17:34

Sorry, I'm just using this to vent now. I don't understand why he didn't want our life, we have expensive cars, 5 star holidays abroad, 1st class flights. And he's left to go and live with her in her house, she drives a really old car, doesn't have much prospect financially from what he's said and I can't believe he's done it

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Time4achange11 · 26/10/2023 06:39

The most hardest thing to do is get to a stage where you realise he's full responsible for his behaviours and choices. None of his choices are an indication of you not being good enough, rich enough or pretty enough. Some men are so so so so immature. They never ever grow up. My ex was in his 40s and chasing after attention from various women behind my back. He was talking to his ex too. It took me along time to learn and appreciate that people are usually pretty consistent in behaviour. So if someone is always polite and genuine they usually stay that way. If someone is selfish, entitled and half hearted in things they usually repeat a pattern..

Sadly in life sometimes we fall out of love with our partners. Sometimes it is genuine (but frowned upon) to fall for someone else. But what counts is the level of respect you show for all involved.

He's likely going to regret his hasty choices. He's also going to find the excitement stops.

Phones lead people to these situations so quickly nowadays. He's likely to do it again.

I was really hurt by my ex, mentally. He wrecked my head he was a compulsive liar who naturally denied and created lies to cover lies. I used to fall for his reassurance until one day I realised it wasn't possible for someone to constantly be always walking into drama. My mental health took a battering. I had therapy. I spent 8 months inside my own head struggling. The sort of struggle where I contacted his grown daughter etc to ask them what they thought. Everyone I spoke to had alot of negative stuff to say about him. They also said I was better of out of his world. Sadly that's true.

When all is said and done. He can't take away this damage he's caused. He's shown you he won't be there. He's not loyal..he's not going to be your protector and partner. You won't ever see him the same way. You'll always feel that little sinking feeling of sadness when you remember.

Inspiration for you. I am currently in the process of setting myself up to go rent somewhere just me and the kids. I do have a boyfriend again but honestly he isn't going to ever be solid enough for family life. He struggles alot. So my future going forward for the first time I'm planning it without the idea of love and relationships. It's not about having a loving partner for me now.

Me and my friends are all in the same boat. My best friends husband kissed her sister last year. My other friends been on dating apps 3 years and can't meet anyone.

Us girls have got to stick together. We don't all find that solid relationship. But we can still be happy. You are so welcome to message me if you need a chat.

Fassbender2020 · 03/12/2023 15:04

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing not starting a new thread but I didn't want a fresh one as it's about the same thing. I'm just using this to vent my thoughts as I process them as I keep thinking of more and more things that should have told me something. I was going through photos throwing them away and saw one from a night out about a year ago and remembered something I've blocked out.

I went, the woman went and 2 of his friends and their girlfriends. At one point one of them wasn't very nice to the woman and he absolutely lost it, I have never seen him that furious and his friends were quite shocked. Should I have taken that as a red flag that he got that angry at someone upsetting her?

OP posts:
Chelsea543 · 03/12/2023 18:44

Yes you probably should have but at the same time it’s a lot easier to see in hindsight. You could have also just thought that he was backing up his friend. How are you doing OP? Has there been any update or changes? Is he still with her?

Fassbender2020 · 04/12/2023 10:24

No no changes. I wouldn't want him back now anyway. I actually saw them out the other day and that's what set me off throwing things away and thinking again, they didn't see me which I'm glad. They looked really happy and it just made me angry

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