So hard to end marriage

[TweetypiePez]

Hoping to hear from women who had to end their marriage’s. It is so damn hard.

I need to end my marriage but the guilt is overwhelming. I haven’t done anything wrong. It is not related to adultery but my husband repeatedly running up huge debts. This is not due to addiction or poverty, just reckless and self-indulgent over spending. In some ways this makes it worse because there is no valid reason for the debt. The money is only the tip of the iceberg. It is the constant lies that have really destroyed everything. I no longer recognise the person I married and I cannot trust a word they say.

I know I have to do this, for my own sanity and protection. So why do I feel like a bad person? Why do I feel so very guilty for not staying and helping to sort this mess out, again. I know what to do, I am not a stupid person, so why is it so difficult to do what I know I need to do?

No advice but in the same position. My husband has a chronic illness and mental health issues and is emotionally abusive and I just can't take it anymore. I feel immense guilt for leaving him, or my plans to leave him, after all it was supposed to be in sickness and in health. But I feel the man I married no longer exists, and the daily life is having a huge impact on my own wellbeing and the stress of walking on eggshells every day is taking its toll.
Good luck, it's certainly not easy.

This is not a marriage that needs to be ended, that is why you feel guilty. Better reasons to leave your life partner include:

• Abuse
• Infidelity
• A partner making no effort in the relationship

My sister is with someone like this, it's annoying to see, but doesn't really justify a divorce. I would advise separate bank accounts, and if you have a joint tenancy in your family home, I would google how to sever it to a tenancy in common.

Home is where you should feel safe. OP can't drop her guard at home. More than enough reason to divorce.

And what is the debt for? Gambling? Drugs? Buying gadgets for himself?

You mention constant lies, what sort of lies? Maybe that helps explain the reaction better?

Of course it’s a reason to split up over. It’s so annoying when people do this.

Women are generally brought up to be people pleasers and it makes it harder to do things like this.

Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, more important than pretty much anything, with someone you love. OP said drugs were not an issue and didn't mention gambling.

We also do not know if the money he is spending is his op OP's, but in any case, love should come before money.

In Disney films maybe but in real life people need to leave and end their marriages for a myriad of reasons. Why should someone spend their life being miserable in a marriage that they aren't happy in, regardless of what the reason for that unhappiness is.

If your divorce goes like mine. Any debts he runs up after you leave and before your financial settlement will be your debt.

@Honest2afault just because your standards are low, doesn’t mean everyone else’s should be.
Anyone has the right to leave a marriage for any reason. Your view of marriage is not only old fashioned but miserable.

Overspending by one spouse and the other constantly bailing out, even without lies, is a very good reason to divorce. Marriage is both an emotional relationship and a financial agreement.

The most important thing I learned when I started counseling is this, "you do not have to look for excuses why you want to leave your husband, the fact that you want to is enough". We are brought up to believe that marriage is sacred and should be preserved at all costs. As one poster said, if you husband is not beating you up, cheating or gambling you do not have good enough reason to leave, and so we stay. Heck, a lot of us stay even if their husbands do beat them, cheat and gamble. The fact is, there is so much more to life and the relationship then this. And it does not to have to be anybodies fault, not yours or his. You loved each other and got married but then, down the road, things started to show that were not so visible before, or you change, he changes and you grow apart. All this creates an unhappy marriage, unhappy people and unhappy children. Some people stay, no matter what. I did for over 25 years, but some leave, like I did, eventually, because I could not imagine myself living like this for the next 25 years, hell no.

OP you just have to ask yourself a simple question, am I happy? If the answer is, no, run for the hills. Will it be hard? You bet it will be, probably the hardest thing you will have done in your whole life, but it is worth it. It really is.

Love should come before money? Yes, he should love her enough not to recklessly spend all their money. But he doesn't. He loves the money more.

With respect this is why I won't marry my partner, I cannot risk her taking half of what I own, because women divorce these days for any reason they are unhappy, (I am a family lawyer and know how risky marriage is for modern couples).

But based on your logic I should leave her because she spends lots of my money?

People should stay married if they made that promise, unless there is a real serious issue like abuse or infidelity.

@TweetypiePez - you’re bound to have conflicting feelings about ending your marriage. This isn’t what you intended to have happen when you married your H. But these are perfectly valid reasons to end the marriage. And you leaving might be the wake-up call you need.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Trust me, I have been here before many times and getting out of debt is hard. To have to keep doing it, again and again and again means having no life at all and significant and sometimes disabling stress and anxiety.

The lies relate to spending. Lying about the debt until it can’t be hidden any longer. Wiping out our joint savings and lying about it. Lying about spending. I could see things weren’t adding up but I was told time and time again that I was mistaken, when I was not.

I am getting too old and too tired to be working just to clear debts I didn’t create. This isn’t life, it’s existing at best.

But I still feel guilty. Despite being at breaking point and on the verge of a breakdown (I’ve had 2 previously), I feel guilty for wanting to put myself first for once. I just don’t see any other way out.

@TweetypiePez Please also know that I know this is a difficult situation, even if I think alternative banking arrangements are an appropriate solution instead of divorce, and I do hope things improve for you! ❤

This comment has really resonated with me ! I haveNC because previous posts I have made could identify me.
I am desperate to leave my husband. He appears to be kind and caring but has absolutely no emotional capacity at all. He is robotic, has set routines ,not capable of using his imagination . Now youngest son has left home, the loneliness I feel is palpable . I would be better living on my own but am so scared and would feel guilty .

@Itwasamemo1 You can do it!

I agree with iamenough2023, about reasons, "I want to" is the only reason you actually need. I can relate to some extent to what you described, though @TweetypiePez I wasn't lied to, however periodically unaffordable debts were revealed periodically. Because I could, I either paid it off, partially paid off or lent and got back to save her the interest payments. None of it was necessary, and it got increasingly tiring going through the drama. I ended it for totally different reasons, different unreasonable behaviour

I didn't say that anyone should leave for any reason and I don't think that you should leave your partner because she spends lots of your money. However, if you are unhappy with that arrangement and feel disrespected or used as a result of it then I would think that it would be absolutely fair enough for you to choose to leave it, but that's not the same as saying you should.

@Honest2afault
Wow! Why are you singling out women? Your poor partner. I wonder what she'd think if she saw that comment. Men are also getting divorced you know. Your post sounds uncomfortably biased for a family law practitioner.

Because statistically women initiate most divorces (approx 65% of the time), in the 35% of time men do it, in my professional experience it is often at the behest of the wife. So as my partner is statistically 25%-40% likely to divorce me, I don't see marriage as too risky. I don't see how that warrants the "your poor partner" comment, I treat her really well.

I ended my marriage last week. Hardest decision ever, but I wasn't happy and it would be lying to stay, and I hate lying. So we told the kids last week and he'll move out in a month or so. I'm the main earner so the biggest change is for my husband who was stay at home parent. No cheating on either side, so hard to explain to the kids. 😢

It's the in sickness and in health, richer and poorer commitment that is part of all marriages that is making you feel guilty. I sympathise with what you are going through. I divorced my ex because he became tight and moody, it was hellish because he contested it, I was pregnant, and it took many years to finalise. Now we are best friends and go out together regularly, though we don't call them dates but that's really what they are. And he is fully involved in our child's life too.

Agree with this.....,.,however, if her dh is constantly over spending, getting into debt and then lying about it ....is it financial abuse ?
I'm not completely sure , but it is some kind of addiction.
I split with a partner for this reason

We weren't married but what ever amount of money he had , large or small , all gone, down the pub.
I just couldn't trust him.

Mind you we'd only been together 18 months and I was very young
Had I stuck at it would I would have to monitor him?
My dh I trust with money - he's a grown up.