So hard to end marriage

[TweetypiePez]

Hoping to hear from women who had to end their marriage’s. It is so damn hard.

I need to end my marriage but the guilt is overwhelming. I haven’t done anything wrong. It is not related to adultery but my husband repeatedly running up huge debts. This is not due to addiction or poverty, just reckless and self-indulgent over spending. In some ways this makes it worse because there is no valid reason for the debt. The money is only the tip of the iceberg. It is the constant lies that have really destroyed everything. I no longer recognise the person I married and I cannot trust a word they say.

I know I have to do this, for my own sanity and protection. So why do I feel like a bad person? Why do I feel so very guilty for not staying and helping to sort this mess out, again. I know what to do, I am not a stupid person, so why is it so difficult to do what I know I need to do?

Living with someone you can't trust with something important to you - such as your own ability to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head - is very cruel. I knew when I was 11 that I couldn't trust a word my dad said, especially about money, and that anything he said about money should be hidden from my mum. And it got worse. I don't think anyone should have to stay married to someone that damaged, personally.

Reading all your advice and experiences has been really helpful. It’s desperately sad that this seems to be a very common problem in relationships.

As quite a few previous posters have pointed out, it destroys trust completely. As this is not the first, second or even third time this has happened, trust was already thin on the ground, despite my best efforts to keep trying again.

Having come from a poor background, and being poor myself at various points in my life, I think it’s the insecurity that comes with unnecessary debt that I find so difficult to manage. It makes me so anxious to the point of becoming ill. It also keeps you locked in a cycle of repayment that feels never ending, and doesn’t allow for any enjoyment in life.

I completely understand that we all
make mistakes, I have made plenty of my own in my lifetime and I’m sure I’ll make some more. But whenever I made mistakes, I tired my hardest to limit the impact on others. I couldn’t imagine making the same mistake over and over again and expecting someone else to clean it up.

If you are unhappy , leave him. Life is too short to be constantly drained and feeling you are having to fight his battles all the time. Don live with regret, leave and start again.

The UK has now moved to no fault divorces so legally you don't have to feel pressure. It may also help him in the long run if he can't rely on you to bail him out.

@Honest2afault Wow!

’Better reasons to get divorced’… ? Who decided this? You?

‘…women divorce these days for any reason they are unhappy..’ Yes, and what’s wrong with this? Why should anyone stay in an unhappy marriage?

Seeing that you have started with sweeping generalised comments about men and women, let me continue in a similar vein. Maybe women initiate divorce more often than men because they are more courageous? Because it’s not easy (as evident in the OP’s initial post), but they have the courage to pursue true happiness. Because life is short. I have seen men just plodding in an unhappy marriages, finding unhelpful strategies to cope (overworking, addiction, infidelities etc), clinging onto their home comforts but not having the guts to do anything meaningful to change the status quo. And I don’t mean divorce necessarily in the first instance. This could include work to save a marriage. I’ve seen more often women open to doing proper work to save the marriage, be it improving communication and making changes together, marriage counselling, reaching out etc, whilst men often are closed to this. Or … maybe women are just more insightful about their needs and assessing what they truly want? Or… maybe women are generally more competent at relationships and so statistically more likely find themselves unhappy with a man. Harsh, huh? Maybe. But I just wanted to outline there are many possible reasons why it is statistically more women initiating divorce.

Your sweeping comments are gaslighting to the OP (‘you are feeling guilty because you don’t have a valid reason to end this marriage’) and not helpful.

@TweetypiePez OP, it’s not easy. That’s why you are feeling a range of emotions. Guilt may be one of them for various reasons, e.g. we are hardwired by the society to think that life long marriage (at any cost) = success, and divorce = failure. Also, you’re an emphatic human being and so of course you don’t like the idea of hurting another human being. If there are children involved, you may be feeling guilty there too. Etc etc. As you go through the process, you may feel other emotions which may not make sense, e.g. sense of loss, grief etc. But that doesn’t mean you should stay in an unhappy marriage. We are complex beings.

OP, good luck with whatever you decide and well done for doing the courageous work of pursuing your happiness and living your truth.

Marriage is not an altar we sacrifice our lives on OP.

We are not support humans for men.

He has broken your marriage. Not you.

Ugh! What rubbish, you can end a relationship for any reason you like!

@TweetypiePez you feel guilty because you’re a nice person. That’s the reason you’ve stayed for far longer than you should have. All I can say is that once you’ve actually done it, you will look back and realise this. You will stop feeling guilty once you have regained your equilibrium and mental health. It’s not your job to fix him.

What I said about women generally initiating divorces is a statistical fact, not really a sweeping statement.

The reasons why women initiate divorce don't really make much difference to what I am saying which is, there is no reason to get married today. If people leave over any reason, what is the point at all?

The key word in your opening post op was “again” If my DH had done this, I would be utterly livid. If he had stolen our financial security and lied to me about it? You bet I would go fucking ballistic. IF however, we had worked through that, if I’d put my back into paying off debts that he had run up without my knowledge, he had promised to change and then he did it again??? He would be down the road. Immediately. He has seen how stressed and unwell this makes you, but he keeps doing it. @Honest2afault is missing the bit where you say when you get married “to love, honour and cherish” He is absolutely not doing that, he is doing something that he knows full well will cause you massive pain. Divorce at will.

I have assumed he is spending his own money and not OP's, if he is spending OP's and lying about it then I can see why divorce could be an option. Even if DH is spending OP's money, separate banks and a severed tenancy over the family home protect OP completely.

@Honest2afault why have you assumed that? Op makes it clear that SHE has been working to dig them both out of the mire that HE has created. On numerous occasions. And whilst your practical solution re: separate bank accounts etc is valid, you are missing the emotional element here. There are many ways in which op could protect her financial future. None of those negate the fact that the man she married has lied to her face, time and time again. THAT is not marriage or what op signed up to. She is therefore more than entitled to end the marriage.

@UtterlyButterly2048 That's a good point I may have made a mistake, it just isn't clear from the OP post and is a really important point. Because if it is his money he is spending and the debt is personally incurred, OP could be dangerously close to domestic abuse under the relevant legislation by trying to prevent DH from spending the money on himself.

@Honest2afault seriously? Not in the real world she isn’t. And I’ve worked with domestic abuse situations. This is absolutely not that and would get no where near court. You are transferring your own experiences (which may well have been unfair) onto op. Don’t do that, it isn’t helpful.

If it's a marriage then unlikely there is legally 'his money' and 'her money' (unless there is some sort of family trust). In a divorce generally all money and assets are collated and divided up. If buying a house together or getting a loan the bank woul look at all assets. So even if he was using money ihe had saved himself and in a savings account in his name it still negatively impacts his wife.

@Honest2afault For clarity, he has spent our joint savings without my permission or knowledge. Additionally, the debt he runs up is in his name only. But I have had to help pay it off on numerous occasions because it impacts our finances as a whole. Repaying the debt takes all our disposable income and makes it almost impossible to survive. I need to protect money for bills, housing, food and travel to work. That is hard when somebody is repeatedly running up huge debts behind your back and wiping out joint savings.

If you think you need a divorce, you need a divorce. If you are in love with someone, you would do anything to stay with them. If the love has been destroyed by a lack of trust, kindness, connection, intimacy - whatever the reason, you should leave and move on with your life. We only get a short time on this earth. Don't waste it in a relationship that doesn't make you happy.

I can see why you want to leave him. Financial abuse is still abuse and although everything else might be alright, someone that is financially manipulative in any way is hard to trust (this is coming from personal experience - my ex was great! But he became a horrible person when it came to money - and money is something we cannot escape from).

I know a few other friends that have ended relationships/engagements due to finances.

If you think he could change - maybe take a long break instead of divorcing. Give him 6 months or a year to change - maybe knowing that the relationship is on the line might trigger something. Do some couples therapy at the same time?

Separations are always horrible and bring up a whirlwind of emotions. So this is very normal. If you do divorce the horrible feelings will go away eventually.

. I would be better living on my own but am so scared and would feel guilty .

Philippa Perry's advice column in the Observer today was about this very issue - the dilemma of whether to stay in a bad situation and feel resentment towards the other person (who's causing all the trouble), or leave and feel guilty. Her conclusion was that it's healthier for you to cut loose, acknowledge your painful feelings of guilt, own them and work through them, than to stay and let resentment fester for years and years, and be passed down to the next generation.

She was writing about a mother/daughter situation rather than a marriage, but it still holds relevance for you @Itwasamemo1 and you @TweetypiePez , I think.

Good luck 💐

@TweetypiePez would it help if he agreed to protect essential shared bills by transfering money to a dedicated bills bank account which only you control, asking him to trust you it's used as intended?
I only look after myself, but I transfer money to dedicated bills only account a day or two after pay day each month. I do similar for regular saving. It saves me mental processing thinking about either, I focus on what's left.
That can't solve all problems, just wondering if it might limit the damaging effects of his behaviour enough to affect your feelings

@Honest2afault
“What I said about women generally initiating divorces is a statistical fact, not really a sweeping statement.
**
The reasons why women initiate divorce don't really make much difference to what I am saying which is, there is no reason to get married today. If people leave over any reason, what is the point at all?”

The OP didn’t start the thread to discuss the divorce statistics or to muse over the point of getting married! I’m assuming the OP started to threat to get support and advice. Not to be told that her reasons for not being happy and wanting a divorce are not valid. It may have brought up a lot of stuff for you but I don’t think your posts were particularly helpful.