Drop the rope theory

[droptherope]

As the title says, can any wise people summarise the drop the rope theory in relation to separated parental conflict?

I'm exhausted with the years of conflict with the ex. Years of abuse and then escalation since I left him. Police involved each time but never progressed to any charges. This is in his head evidence that I've made everything up and i'm the text book crazy ex we have all heard about 🙄

Clear boundaries are in place for pick up and drop off of the children as recommended by Police that seems to be working well and has knocked some wind out of his sails denying some opportunities for creating drama.

I've blocked him on every available communication method except one. I can mute him on that and choose to look at messages when I feel I want to. it also saves the stress of long ranty emails from him aka new partner.

I have in the main managed to protect the children from as much of the conflict as possible (confirmed by professionals who said i've done too good a job in ensuring they are not impacted by his behaviours). As a result they think he is amazing, fun and all the things a very part time parent can be. but he's the usual doesn't pay maintenance type, deceitful, goes behind my back about things that affect the children, cancels contact if he gets a better offer etc etc.

I still feel huge anger at what he has done over the years but then i'm tired with it all. i have some worrying health issues being investigated currently and my mental ability to keep on dealing with the relentless pressures from him is getting too much. but on the other hand i'm a fighter for the truth and honesty and the idea of him perceiving he has beaten me is not a comfortable one.

i saw on here someone mention 'dropping the rope' so i have been looking into it. a lot of what i've read is in relation to anxiety, ocd, etc with the monster being our own emotions. But he is my monster.

if i drop the rope with the ex, am i doing it to find some inner peace without conceding defeat or because i think it will make him
fall on his arse?

I am on counselling waiting lists as i know i need to access independent support but i am looking at how i can help myself in the meantime.

any wise and hopefully gentle words greatly appreciated 😀

Well I don’t know much about “drop the rope” theory (sounds interesting), but I just wanted to say I think you sound like a brilliant star 🌟

@MeWave thank you. that is incredibly kind of you to say!

the idea of him perceiving he has beaten me is not a comfortable one.

That's part of dropping the rope - not giving a damn what he thinks.

It's just stepping out of the whole game and refusing to play, not losing at all.

I am almost entirely contact free with my ex - he sends calendar invites, and the kids just go out to his car. In the early days I had to grey rock a bit, but now it's rare (eg if he's asking what the kids might want for Christmas for example - I don't rise to it, just ignore it and let him figure something out for himself) and it's freeing.

I'd say it took a solid 2 years of feeling angry before I realised I wasn't thinking about it any more

i'm a fighter for the truth and honesty and the idea of him perceiving he has beaten me is not a comfortable one
Whose truth? You know the truth so who cares what he thinks.
Why does his perception bother you?

interesting points being made.

i guess i care not what he thinks because he is beyond redemption as a human but i don't want others to fall for his manipulation and lies. yet they do as he is the master of a good sob story.

making peace with that is hard. my work is very much about getting to the truth, justice and accountability when people have done wrong so it feels inherent in me to not let that slip in my personal life as well.

a part of me thinks that if i stop caring, i risk the children being sucked in which is something i can't let happen.

I wonder if drop the rope is comparable to the saying, 'Let go or be dragged.'

You are currently being dragged through all these emotions because you're not letting yourself let go.

I've not personally heard this term before, but it sounds very similar to advice my therapist gave me about dealing with a manipulative mother (my mother, I mean). She said that she's trying to play games and she can only play games if you are willing to play. Walk away and refuse to play the game and it takes away the power she has. I think it means you disengage, you don't rise to it, you grey rock, but also you just remove yourself from any sort of interaction that is meant to get you riled and worked up and pull you into his games.

Dropping the rope means you stop thinking about them, or helping them, or trying to make their life easier.

Easiest explanation. A woman buys/wraps all the presents for her husband's side of the family and remembers all the birthdays but this creates stress for her because she's too busy with a job, running around after children etc, and he does nothing but he does get all the thanks/praise. Dropping the rope would mean not buying the presents, not remembering ehen the birthdays are but more importantly not reminding the husband to buy the presents either. It's about not doing anything and not caring if others are upset about it. It's not her problem to sort.

I have in the main managed to protect the children from as much of the conflict as possible (confirmed by professionals who said i've done too good a job in ensuring they are not impacted by his behaviours)
This is actually worrying. If the professionals think you have gone overboard then you definitely have and it's time to stsrt stepping back a little, especiallynow they are older. Sometimes you can be too protective even when it's done with the best of intentions.

if i drop the rope with the ex, am i doing it to find some inner peace without conceding defeat or because i think it will make him fall on his arse?

Neither. It’s walking away from an unhealthy conflict and choosing to accept that it’s not a contest you should even participate in.

In your case, dropping the rope sounds like you’re there except for the emotional aspect. You’ve already limited his exposure to you/you to him. What you need to work on next is acceptance that this is not a ‘winnable’ thing. It’s healthy to walk away and concentrate on yourself, and being the best you, not defining yourself in relation to him - his thoughts, opinions, comments or relationships with other people.

No advice. Just jumping in to say that you’re awesome. 💗

Drop the rope can be "not my circus, not my monkeys".

I think your making it your circus to protect the children but that's not helpful in them forming opinions based on his actual behaviors. They will be hurt it's just a case of when. Isn't it better whilst they have a solid relationship with you rather than spending years managing the hurt whilst juggling their own families and lives?

He's playing tennis and you're still the other side of the net returning serves. Drop the ball and leave the court. Focus on you.

a part of me thinks that if i stop caring, i risk the children being sucked in which is something i can't let happen.

What do you mean by this? You say they already think he’s great, so what are you afraid of?

Practise the phrase: ‘Yes, I understand that’s my ex-husband’s/your dad’s opinion on what happened. I don’t agree but he’s entitled to his opinion.’

again some fantastic comments - thank you!

in terms of doing 'too good a job' of protecting them from his behaviours. i absolutely took that on the chin at the time. i don't actively slag their dad off and i generally just chit chat about what they have been up to in the same way i'd chit chat about a day out with grandparents. but i have challenged a couple of things including that 'dad has no money as you take it all off him' from
the youngest. and the oldest two are aware that the expensive secondary school trips they want to go on will only happen if Dad pays 50/50 of all costs so to speak with him about them, not just me.
they are starting to notice that i do all the hard work of parenting and have said on weekends with me they just want to chill as they spend all weekends with dad doing stuff. the performance things like bowling, theme parks, cinema etc etc.

if i think long (and painfully hard) i've been in this zone for 10 years probably. so all the years trying to make the relationship work, get him to be a decent parent right through the post split period to now.

i need to be done with thinking he will have a road to Damascus moment and regret his behaviour and be a better person. He won't ever be.

i'm finding the comments really helpful so thank you for taking the time to post.

thank you - i don't feel it but that is lovely to hear.

It sounds like you’ve gone over and above to protect your kids from your arsehole ex and that is so commendable. They deserved that, your ex didn’t.

I think it is indeed time to ‘drop the rope’. Set your boundaries and get some strategies of how to deal with situations that will arise in future. For example, maybe when he is a no-show because something better comes up, tell the kids ‘that’s a shame, something ELSE has come up’. Not better, just something else. Frame it a certain way that you’re not making excuses for his shitty parenting, just be detached from his behaviour.

Carry on protecting your kids heads (as you are now) without helping the cause of a shitbag ex. He doesn’t deserve it.

so all the years trying to make the relationship work, get him to be a decent parent right through the post split period to now.
That is where you drop the rope. It's not up to you to get him to be a decent parent, that's up to him. He can be decent, mean, angry, disappointing, playful, or distant. That is his choice not yours. Let him be "him", let the children "see" him. Your role is to hug them, tell them they are loved and wipe away their tears. It is hard but they will see him as he really is eventually, and it's better to do it while they have you around. Stop caring about the father/child relationship, it's down to him to facilitate it.

Another way, once they are old enough, is for them to communicate directly with him and not via you, but make sure they are aware of the court ordered restrictions in case he tries to get them to flout them just to upset you. But it sounds like you are almost there tbh.

there's no court order (despite many threats to take me to court) as he can't get what he wants from a court. i've only stopped contact when i've been told to by the statutory agencies while they investigated an incident and i did use the 'dad's working away' line with them then.

he gets all health and education information from me, is offered to be consulted on matters such as school
selection etc. i keep things right on that front.

he rarely sees them in the holidays despite being offered every time and certainly doesn't want to see them more than his very loose other weekend.

a judge would laugh him out of court and he knows it.

if he did arrange with them direct, what he would do is try and change weekends around to sabotage any plans I might have made and dangle the Disney weekend in-front of them.

They aren't at that point yet but if it gets to it i'll set clear ground rules with them about discussing proposals with me before agreeing to anything.

Ex doesn't live local, choosing to be 400 miles away with the new woman and her children. this will be the first winter of that commute and although he stays local when he has them, that kind of journey on a weekend will not be appealing in deepest darkest February.

OP, you do need to drop the rope. I left my husband 8 months ago. He was emotionally abusive for years and years and there was intimate image abuse too.
I have really begun to distance myself from the hurt. I spent so much energy, rage, tears on trying to make him understand what he had done to me.

In return I got told I had 'thrown our marriage away' because I didn't even entertain the possibility of giving him another chance.
That statement was it for me. I realised I was wasting my time trying to get him to see my side. I dropped the rope. Now I just co-parent from a distance. It feels a million times better.

Apologies, I think I have been reading too many court, children, and feckless father threads (so many bloody awful men out there) but I should have checked your op first.

haha! yes i see that in my line of work.

these feckless men don't seem to click that they are spectacularly unoriginal and one of a cast thousands of similar useless taunts!

For me “dropping the rope” means becoming obsessed with yourself, your wellbeing, your peace, your happiness.

Don’t enter into games of tug of war. Drop the rope. Walk away. Refuse to have these struggles with another person. Get obsessed with you and your peace.

.

I will read other comments later, as I am sure they are interesting.

One thing that did occur to me though, re. your children’s father. You really don’t have to “big him” up. You don’t have to be positive in any way whatsoever, or make any nice comments about “daddy” etc. It’s completely unnecessary. You can be entirely neutral. Which is entirely ethical and honest I think.

I’m not sure if that’s barking up the wrong tree here but I found it slightly alarming that you might be overcompensating his PR. What I’m saying is you really don’t need to put in effort or “best dibs” there at all. You’re their loving mother and that’s enough. You don’t have to try and present him as, or make him out to be, a better father.

He sounds like a “bit part” already in their lives. That’s fine, because it’s reality, and your children will have lots of new interests and enthusiasms as they grow. Don’t worry about it too much, honestly, they’ll be fine. You certainly don’t need to facilitate anything that doesn’t come directly, positively from him.

@MeWave

i absolutely take your comments on board. i guess i did overcompensate for his failings because when they were very little seeing their disappointed faces because "dad can't make it" on the day of contact.

I tend to be more in the camp now of "sorry kids, dad is now 2 hours late so i've said for him
to come for you tomorrow morning now so we can get tea and ready for bed".

i also just do bright and breezy about their weekend. "oh you went bowling? who won? that's good".

one conversation recently was about the cinema. I asked why they had been to see and when they said it was a particular film i said "oh did you tell dad we were going to see that this week? oh you did. it he took you anyway? that's a shame. ok let's choose something else when we go then".

i'm not perfect and i have totally lost my shit with him by text at times but never in front of the children despite intense provocation.

now the doorstep is not available as his fighting ground he's moved on to other areas to cause trouble. i actually feel sorry for him as his mind must be a horrible, toxic place with no peace.

on one hand i want my children to have a positive and loving relationship with their father rather than be fucked up by him. but i also need to be there when he gets sick of the travelling or they don't want to engage with disney dad anymore when they are teenagers and he actually doesn't really know them, hasn't been there during their tough times, hasn't held their hand as they go into surgery and again when they wake up, holding the vomit bowl at 3 in the morning, hunting for the out of date Vicks as they are snorting all over my bed, listened to the highs and lows the moment they get back from school, seen them receive that award for the skill they never thought they would master.

i am actually feeling that inner peace now but maintaining it is going to be the hardest part.

i need to draw on the fact that despite hundreds of attempts to goad me into anger or a reaction infront if the children he has never managed it. i shouldn't let him goad me when they aren't around either.