Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drop the rope theory

35 replies

droptherope · 18/10/2023 11:53

As the title says, can any wise people summarise the drop the rope theory in relation to separated parental conflict?

I'm exhausted with the years of conflict with the ex. Years of abuse and then escalation since I left him. Police involved each time but never progressed to any charges. This is in his head evidence that I've made everything up and i'm the text book crazy ex we have all heard about 🙄

Clear boundaries are in place for pick up and drop off of the children as recommended by Police that seems to be working well and has knocked some wind out of his sails denying some opportunities for creating drama.

I've blocked him on every available communication method except one. I can mute him on that and choose to look at messages when I feel I want to. it also saves the stress of long ranty emails from him aka new partner.

I have in the main managed to protect the children from as much of the conflict as possible (confirmed by professionals who said i've done too good a job in ensuring they are not impacted by his behaviours). As a result they think he is amazing, fun and all the things a very part time parent can be. but he's the usual doesn't pay maintenance type, deceitful, goes behind my back about things that affect the children, cancels contact if he gets a better offer etc etc.

I still feel huge anger at what he has done over the years but then i'm tired with it all. i have some worrying health issues being investigated currently and my mental ability to keep on dealing with the relentless pressures from him is getting too much. but on the other hand i'm a fighter for the truth and honesty and the idea of him perceiving he has beaten me is not a comfortable one.

i saw on here someone mention 'dropping the rope' so i have been looking into it. a lot of what i've read is in relation to anxiety, ocd, etc with the monster being our own emotions. But he is my monster.

if i drop the rope with the ex, am i doing it to find some inner peace without conceding defeat or because i think it will make him
fall on his arse?

I am on counselling waiting lists as i know i need to access independent support but i am looking at how i can help myself in the meantime.

any wise and hopefully gentle words greatly appreciated 😀

OP posts:
MeWave · 18/10/2023 18:54

I hear ya OP. But also reiterate it’s really not your responsibility to ensure your DC have “a positive and loving relationship with their father”. You can facilitate contact but the rest is on him. Or at least out of your control. Please conserve that energy for yourself, you know you deserve that. Part of dropping the rope is probably taking care of yourself and your needs first too.

TickingKey46 · 18/10/2023 19:27

I mean this kindly but over protecting you children does them a disservice. I have had a similar situation to yourself which has now resulted in a no contact order. But ultimately children look up to their parents, you don't want your children thinking his behaviour is normal.

Would having a contact order not have made things easier?

Original poster
droptherope · 18/10/2023 19:51

@TickingKey46 not sure how that would work, could you explain?

i am loosening off with the protective approach now they are late primary and early secondary as i feel they have the ability to process his failings as they are older.

although they will always be able to say they never heard me call him
worse than shit when they were little, they never saw me kick off in retaliation in front of them and where he failed, i stepped in, every single time.

damned if i do, damned if i don't.

this thread has been so helpful. i've done a lot of thinking between if posting.

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 18/10/2023 20:09

Well if you had a contact order it would determine when he sew them. He couldn't just say he was having them when he wanted (with out your agreement) it would have to be in line with the order. But of course if it was his weekend he could still decide not to have them.
It's far from fail proof (as no real consequence if he doesn't keep to it). But I think the majority of people do keep to the court order. It just kind of formalises things.
Also if he doesn't pay child maintenance who not go through child maintenance?

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 18/10/2023 20:35

I just wanted to say that I totally get where you're coming from about wanting to uphold your truth. That's like the last little piece that you're holding onto until you can get your true peace.

Believe me, I was you 18 months ago! Even now some days it can eat me up for 5 minutes when I think about how his flying monkey followers will think all sorts of me and the situation but I quickly turn it around and pity them. Once upon a time I was one of those believers but the truth ALWAYS come to light just as it will with your children. My teenagers only bother with him for money now. The young ones don't see him.

MachineBee · 18/10/2023 20:36

You’re doing brilliantly OP but other posters are right that now is the time step back.

Be factual when commenting on him - and only say what is necessary, answering your DCs questions but not volunteering more than they ask for.

I wouldn’t encourage arrangements to be made directly with the DCs. I truly believe that until DCs are at least 16 or ideally older, contact arrangements should be sorted by parents. Expecting them to decide what adults do or don’t do is most unfair on them. They’re automatic response will be to try to be fair to both parents but when one parent is incapable of seeing the situation from any other perspective than their own needs, your DC end up in an impossible position.

Original poster
droptherope · 18/10/2023 20:49

TickingKey46 · 18/10/2023 20:09

Well if you had a contact order it would determine when he sew them. He couldn't just say he was having them when he wanted (with out your agreement) it would have to be in line with the order. But of course if it was his weekend he could still decide not to have them.
It's far from fail proof (as no real consequence if he doesn't keep to it). But I think the majority of people do keep to the court order. It just kind of formalises things.
Also if he doesn't pay child maintenance who not go through child maintenance?

i am ALL over the CMS! he just lays for a couple of weeks then stops and then it's 16 weeks for them to catch up by which time he's been in and out of work and then out again and so the merry go round continues

OP posts:
Original poster
droptherope · 18/10/2023 20:51

MachineBee · 18/10/2023 20:36

You’re doing brilliantly OP but other posters are right that now is the time step back.

Be factual when commenting on him - and only say what is necessary, answering your DCs questions but not volunteering more than they ask for.

I wouldn’t encourage arrangements to be made directly with the DCs. I truly believe that until DCs are at least 16 or ideally older, contact arrangements should be sorted by parents. Expecting them to decide what adults do or don’t do is most unfair on them. They’re automatic response will be to try to be fair to both parents but when one parent is incapable of seeing the situation from any other perspective than their own needs, your DC end up in an impossible position.

i have to say i agree with this. it extends the time to be in direct contact but you are right, they don't need the conflicted feelings until
they are mature enough to look at it through more objective eyes

OP posts:
MeWave · 18/10/2023 21:01

Forgot to add, I believe more in neutrality if the other parent is just not very good, bit of a deadbeat, etc. But if there is any danger to your children then obviously active (court) protection might be necessary. You don’t go into detail OP, and it’s not entirely clear from your post, but obviously you know all the details and issues here.

Original poster
droptherope · 18/10/2023 21:15

MeWave · 18/10/2023 21:01

Forgot to add, I believe more in neutrality if the other parent is just not very good, bit of a deadbeat, etc. But if there is any danger to your children then obviously active (court) protection might be necessary. You don’t go into detail OP, and it’s not entirely clear from your post, but obviously you know all the details and issues here.

Edited

thank you for your concern, genuinely appreciated.

every time i have had a safeguarding concern i have self referred into the statutory agencies and followed their advice to the letter. there have been incidents that i've not been happy about but have had NFA outcomes. i do have a tighter reign on things than it perhaps comes across here. i just don't fancy a pile on!

i have good reason to suspend contact soon if certain information isn't shared that will give me confidence about their well being in a particular environment. i will only suspend overnight contact and he can have 8am - 8pm contact instead. and he can take me to court if he doesn't like that and let her/him
decide if i'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread