Different feelings towards two children

[Frostyfields]

I have two children and I feel absolutely horrible admitting this but I’m doing so to try and address it. I feel so differently towards them.

I have a boy who is 3, and I’ve always found him difficult. I don’t actually think that he is, it’s me. I had a horrible birth with him and was put on a feeding plan that looking back was just insane and got barely any sleep for the first month, so I can put some behaviour down to lack of sleep but I was so so angry all the time. This lasted for ages, I was spitting with rage for so long

Things got better when his sleep improved but he was approaching toddlerhood by then and his behaviour was challenging me and I still find this such a struggle not to be filled with rage.

I have a baby as well and my feelings are just so different.

I worry so much I’m going to do irreversible damage to them both. I really do try not to show angry feelings and it isn’t like this all of the time, there are good times, but I just don’t like how different it feels. So for example, I couldn’t wait to get back to work after DS, with the baby I am already feeling like I’ll need therapy. I loved it if anyone ever took DS to give me a break (not that it ever happened mind) but with the baby I hate it. I’m so much more patient and kind with the baby even if only ‘in my head’

How awful for you and how very brave to admit it x
stay strong and talk to someone about your feelings
They are valid

I think it'd be a good idea to try to work through this in therapy if you can. Sounds like you went through a horrendous time with your son as a baby and were possibly suffering PND and the consequences of a traumatic birth experience.

It's good that you're recognising what's going on with you and want to work on it - that's really positive.

I struggled with my son and went onto ADs which really helped. He used to demand a lot of attention and I realised afterwards it's because I wasn't really present - a lot was happening in my marriage. My doctor advised me to go on the ADs and lovebomb my son. It really worked - the ADs meant I could focus and not think about the ground shifting beneath my feet. That and the lovebombing meant my son stopped demanding so much attention and then the love came naturally. It was a really really difficult period and I was so glad I had that advice.

Really positive and very self aware that you realise this .Nows the time to get some counselling to help you and the family unit get stronger .
Wishing you all the very best

Thanks … I don’t have the time or money for counselling, to be honest.

Love bombing is a good idea. There are good times but my tolerance seems so thin - I hate it when I feel my mask slips,

Could you talk to your health visitor to see if there's any support available? In our area there's an early attachment service that supports parents in these situations, there are many reasons why a parents relationship is affected with their baby. Not sure what the age limit (for the child!) is.

I honestly don’t think that I could talk about it to anybody in RL.

I know it could just be an age thing in the same way younger children are ‘nicer’ than stroppy teens! But I feel I’ve always had a difficulty with joe I feel towards him. I love him so much yet it’s sort of a bit buried under irritation and worry.

Have a look at the Dr Laura Markham website. She has an online course that might help.

and Bonnie Harris. Really good. She has a podcast.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/

i used to to wonder why my three year old was so cross all the time. Turned out wasn’t him that was cross. Once I stopped, then he calmed down. He was still hard work !!! But less angry.

This is one of the many reasons I get so angry when people dismiss birth trauma and basically say that as long as nobody died, you should just get over it. Unresolved difficult births can have absolutely devastating effects on the mother/child relationship.

Op, I had a difficult birth with my first child, which left me feelings totally traumatised and numb. I knew I loved him somewhere inside, and I felt totally protective of him, but something was missing. My mental health really suffered.

I had two more children, whose births were fine, and the difference was astounding. I had all of those lovely new mum snuggling her bundle of joy feelings. It was such a lovely time.

I found the subsequent births healed the trauma from the first, and as my kids have grown up, there is no difference between them in terms of how much I love them all. I made sure that my son always felt like I loved him more tha anything, and that sometimes meant faking it until i made it. My son is nearly 10 now and he is the most hilarious, good natured, fun, sweet and loving little boy with just the right amount of a cheeky side to keep us on our toes. It does even out, but you have to absolutely pour the love on and make sure your son's emotional cup is always full. I always make the most of every spare moment we have together. I just make sure I shoe horn it into our day lots of hugs, hand squeezes, hair ruffles, tickles, 'I love you no matter what', 'you always make me smile because...' 'you're such a special person in our family' etc.

I always think, it's not about me; it's about him. As a mother I owe it to him to make sure he grows up just bursting full of love and self worth, regardless how the birth affected me. Conversely, by love bombing your child, you kind of end up love bombing yourself in a way too.

All the best op. It's hard, but this isn't your future set in stone.

If you have a 3-year-old now, presumably you were pregnant and gave birth during peak Covid times. Don’t dismiss that aspect of adjusting to a massive massive life change when the world was also falling apart.

Add in a bad birth and presumably there wasn’t much hands-on help forthcoming during lockdowns? Sleep deprivation is brutal. Babies are a bomb to a relationship too. It’s a lot to cope with. No wonder you wanted to go back to work then, for normality. Having children can also bring up feelings from our childhoods we’d buried, I think that’s often an overlooked thing.

Second babies can be easier just because you know what to expect. I also think there’s an aspect of the maternal instinct to protect and nurture a newborn ramping up so that your older DC seems more annoying/threatening/challenging for a time. I had 2 under 2 and look back and see that I was expecting far too much, developmentally, of my firstborn. But it’s hard to separate out all the feelings at the time.

And some children press our buttons harder. They just do. Go easy on yourself.

Therapy would help you OP and can absolutely make you a better parent based on my own experience.
It's the best money I've ever spent and personally I'd prioritise spending on therapy above almost everything else.

(Spoiler: this is all about your own childhood experiences)

I really won’t/can’t go to therapy. I do understand why if is suggested but even if u had the time or money I wouldn’t be able to speak about it.

@NoSquirrels i do think Covid contributed but it’s hard to say how. And I am mindful i might be just as irritated with my baby when she’s a demanding bossy toddler!

@Hereiamguys123 to be honest I only realised how awful DS birth was when I had DD. Thank you for your reply, it helped.

I really won’t/can’t go to therapy. I do understand why if is suggested but even if u had the time or money I wouldn’t be able to speak about it.

You won’t? Yet you are in danger of doing serious harm in your relationship with your son. Believe me, it will be cheaper - emotionally financially- to get this sorted now. Your poor little boy.

It’s understandable that in the early months of your first child, you were exhausted and angry. But to still feel this after three years??? You need some doors of help. Can you at least talk to your DC’s father?

She has already said she can't afford it and doesn't have the time. Both are very valid. With a newborn and a 3 year old and no money when is she supposed to find an hour a week free and be able to fund it?

Everyone loves saying get therapy but therapy is a rich persons luxury. Waiting lists for nhs therapy are huge and even then you'll get max 6 sessions which is not enough.
So many people on MN just don't seem to understand that therapy is not easy for most normal families that are struggling financially. The cheapest therapist in my area is £65 per session. That is a fortune.

The NHS offer online resources your Gp can refer go to the Gp you more than likely had pnd after your traumatic start with your son and haven't bonded the same as you have with the baby, if your eldest is also challenging this will affect your bond with him, it happens and I don't think it's spoken about as much as it should be.

How can you say this and not know circumstances I guess this is what you found out in your therapy experience that's what you paid for to get to the bottom of your feelings, you can't just declare well childhood!

So so much this.
Although I would add that MN is a great source of free therapy.

At some level OP you have held your son responsible for the distress you feel at his birth. We could postulate ten reasons why that would be the case and it will be a pick and mix of which of those are relevant to you.

Having lived with a rage filled person I think you should know it always leaks out. Always.

It probably does but you’re preaching to the converted as I’m not here saying my feelings are right or fair but they are my feelings, as opposed to my actions. I’m not proud of them - on the contrary I am deeply ashamed and horrified and upset by them so posts like that don’t really help only to make me feel even worse.

Therapy is very, very expensive and I have to be honest and say I am not personally convinced it’s a magic bullet, especially since I doubt I’d be able to talk about what I honestly feel.

There are a lot of options for therapy, it can be free, subsidised to a low price or expensive. Maybe it will be something you come to in time, maybe it's not for you.

There's a lot of interesting stuff on YouTube now too.

Also you can do phone or zoom therapy without leaving your house, which may be a lot easier with young children.

@Princessfluffy i am honestly pleased you found it helpful but I am not seeking therapy at this time.

*Op, I had a difficult birth with my first child, which left me feelings totally traumatised and numb. I knew I loved him somewhere inside, and I felt totally protective of him, but something was missing. My mental health really suffered.

I had two more children, whose births were fine, and the difference was astounding. I had all of those lovely new mum snuggling her bundle of joy feelings. It was such a lovely time.*

OP, I had exactly that experience with a traumatic birth and a good one (except just 2 kids) and yes I still remember how I looked at DC1 and felt...nothing. Whereas couldn't stop kissing and snuggling DC2 when she was born. It's the trauma, it's not your fault. And 2-3 is such a tricky age.
I can confirm that this has not had long lasting effects, I feel the same about them now (well slight preference for DC1 as DC2 is in a tricky age) and I didn't need therapy, just time.

@Orangello thank you so much. It’s a relief to hear, as you do feel like the worst person