Different feelings towards two children

[Frostyfields]

I have two children and I feel absolutely horrible admitting this but I’m doing so to try and address it. I feel so differently towards them.

I have a boy who is 3, and I’ve always found him difficult. I don’t actually think that he is, it’s me. I had a horrible birth with him and was put on a feeding plan that looking back was just insane and got barely any sleep for the first month, so I can put some behaviour down to lack of sleep but I was so so angry all the time. This lasted for ages, I was spitting with rage for so long

Things got better when his sleep improved but he was approaching toddlerhood by then and his behaviour was challenging me and I still find this such a struggle not to be filled with rage.

I have a baby as well and my feelings are just so different.

I worry so much I’m going to do irreversible damage to them both. I really do try not to show angry feelings and it isn’t like this all of the time, there are good times, but I just don’t like how different it feels. So for example, I couldn’t wait to get back to work after DS, with the baby I am already feeling like I’ll need therapy. I loved it if anyone ever took DS to give me a break (not that it ever happened mind) but with the baby I hate it. I’m so much more patient and kind with the baby even if only ‘in my head’

I agree with love bombing. I had it the other way around when I realised my three year was deeply insecure and worried about how I felt about him. I really double downed on love and time and attention. I do it whenever things are going off kilter and it helps. Find all the little good things in your son and tell him them. Each tiny little act. Tell him when you’ve enjoyed spending some time with him. I found the more I articulated all the good things and feelings, the stronger the became in me too.

i find this quote helpful too ‘Repair is more important than rupture’.

i think this is more common than you might think. Ive spoken to several friends over the years about issues theyve felt bonding with their children and the anxiety this causes them because they think its a failure on them as a parent.
My thoughts on this is that they are just feelings. They come and go. The love between mother and child isnt just about how mum feels about the child at any given time. Its also about all the nurturing things you do, and your commitment to that child. The nice feelings it gives you is a bonus.
The events you talk about have created a bit of trauma and bad associations with your parenting relationship. That doesnt mean that you dont love him, and it doesnt mean that the bond wont develop more and more. Love isnt magic or a special sign that its all good.
Try and find time where you and your son can do things together without the baby, and something that he personally likes and isnt too difficult for you to manage. He is here to stay, and the older he gets the more youll get to know him as a person, rather than just the overwhelming feelings of burden and hard work that you associate with him now.

Thanks, I would love to be able to do something just us - I can’t at the moment but hopefully it won’t be too much longer until I can. I really do appreciate these answers and not just gelling me I’m wrong as I know this!

I have never posted on mumsnet before but i saw your post and wanted to climb through the screen to give you a hug!!

This was me... it gets easier I promise!!!

I always struggled with my beautiful little girl. It wasn't her... it really was me! I wasnt emotionally available and looking back I was probably deep in postnatal depression but very good at saving face so no one really noticed! She didnt sleep... she is very highly strung and loses her temper very quickly! (This is just who she is... I've made peace with that and I now have the tools to help her cope appropriately with her big emotions)... when she was born she came very quick and I was incredibly traumatised... there was no "rush of love" (side note: my husband is farmer and he says it's so common with animals to not take to their first born straight away! But second borns are usually taken to straight away!)... and is struggled. I was angry all the time. I had no tolerance for her. If she didn't sleep in the day I'd feel raging. As a toddler she would trigger my constantly.

Que 2 and a half years later her baby brother came along (we were living in a caravan at the time and very unsettled so my MH was really in the gutters)... that's when I understood the rush of love everyone spoke about! It made me feel like such an awful mum to my little girl... like you, I was very self aware of the stark contrast of feelings towards my children.

Over time, we got more settled (got married, bought a house). The fog lifted and slowly but surely things got better.

My daughter is now 7. She is a wonderful, caring, bright, funny little girl and I love her more than life itself. Any of those old feelings have gone completely. We have recently had baby number 3 and he has really helped heal some old wounds that were still lingering from this period of our lives.

I think now I'm out of it I can see I was in a dark place. I was depressed and full of self loathing.

I have managed to (mostly) forgive myself for that time. I chose to look forward rather than backwards.

I've recently admitted this to a friend. We both agree we worry we have messed our first borns up forever as she felt this way too.

I think it's more common than you think.

You are not alone. It does get better. Please be kind to yourself.
X

Also just wanted to say... he leap from 1 to 2 is INSANE!!!!!

@Iamnewherex I will reply in more detail later but I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your brace and compassionate post

I've not got a good relationship with DM. There was always a disconnect and I could always get a vibe of irritation from her towards me just under the surface. She's critical and difficult with me far more than my other siblings have experienced and recently one of them suggested to me that it may have it's roots in the birth trauma delivering me. It made a hell of a lot of sense finally on so many levels.

She never got help. I think even if she had a) realised how disconnected she was, and b) wanted to fix it she could have, even back then. But she's very dismissive of mental health issues and therefore I doubt she ever would admit that she needed ADs due to PND or PTSD, and certainly wouldn't have taken them.

I had a lifetime of feeling unlovable and unwanted and unwelcome. I was just about tolerated. I was so much an afterthought to her that she's even got a stock phrase she trots out when she's forgot me again. She was often cruel or lashed out at me. I was a reminder of a horrific time I suppose. But the result is that now in her old age, she's gotten very dependent on me and I'll be honest I really resent that burden given the lack of love and care I got from her. She nearly died not too long ago and I felt...nothing really. Isn't that awful?

I'm not telling you this to bash you. I'm only telling you my story to show you how early childhood issues can still affect a middle aged woman. You coming here to post shows that you know something is wrong and that you want to try to fix it. Please, when baby naps or whatever, do some play with your DS - do whatever it is he would like to play with and let the focus be just on him. Lots of love bombing if you can, and let him know how much you love him.

If you can, please look into taking ADs if your gp thinks they would help - even for a little while.

I am not a naturally patient parent and have really struggled with the behaviour of one of my sons who is very difficult, volatile and quick to anger (I wonder where he gets it from….) I really overrreacted a lot in his toddler years and I am really ashamed of how I handled some of his challenging but age appropriate behaviour. Things are easier now but it was me that had to change, and the result was a change in his behaviour; even school has noticed. What helped me:

1. Telling myself that his behaviour is a spark, he’s a firecracker and I have no control over the little fires he starts. However, I can either pour water or gasoline on that fire by how I react to it.
2. when he’s being super unreasonable/horrible, reminding myself that he feels horrible. I try and sit with him and give him a hug even though it’s the last thing I feel like doing. This de escalates things. Sounds so simple but I was never parented this way so I’ve had to learn it.
3. reminding myself of all his good qualities. He’s super compassionate, creative and loving.
4. not criticising. That doesn’t mean allowing him to get away with unacceptable behaviour but it does mean trying not to get annoyed about things he can’t help.
5. fake it till you make it. I ask myself, if I was a calm, loving mother, whet would I do? And I do that 😂

This was me,,the best thing I did was NC her. Yayyy!

OP, I just wanted to say I hear you and get all of this COMPLETELY. I could have written your post.
You are not alone, nor are you an awful person.
I felt the same about my first born, but didn't realise it until my second child was born and I felt that rush of intense love that everyone had told me I'd have. It was only after my second was born that I began to question everything about how I felt about my first. It was gut-wrenching to realise.
For me, there were various reasons - that I won't go into here - that I wasn't allowed to be openly happy about my first pregnancy, and there was a lot of guilt and tension around it. I'm pretty sure that, and the difficult, four-day labour, affected things enormously. I remember looking at the baby and feeling nothing much, really.

That was a few years ago now. Honestly, I still feel that way but I'm much better at hiding it. I try really hard to be emotionally available to my first born - it's a conscious effort - which I know sounds horrible but that's just the way it is. It's effortless with the other one.

Personally, I tried a bit of therapy (I was lucky enough to be able to afford a couple of sessions when i went back to work). It didn't help. I didn't feel like the therapist really understood what was driving it. What helped more was knowing I wasn't alone (and I felt really, really alone) and eventually talking about it to people I trusted.
My heart goes out to you, it really does x

@Frostyfields how old is your baby? I had the exact same feelings when I had my second. Her brother was three when she was born. I don't know what it was, possibly hormones, possibly him going through a trickier phase and struggling to adapt to the new baby, possibly sleep deprivation on my part.

I googled at night so no one would catch me "why don't I like my three year old." I'd be cross/annoyed with him all day and then full of guilt as soon as he was asleep and promising myself I'd be better with him the next day.

He still winds me up, but now only the amount you'd expect for an average 3.5 year old, but it has got much better. And I do like him again!

It's really hard going from 1 to 2. The 2nd doesn't always "just fit in" like everyone told me when I was pregnant and it's hard to have a two little people that need you constantly. I think it takes a village and in an ideal situation another family member would spend more time with the older one while the baby is young. When it's just mum you can't help but see the first child as older and expect more from their behaviour.

I get that you don't have time for counseling. I think all you can do is wait it out and see if things get better as they get older.

Another one in agreement about the effect of childhood experiences.

The rage I felt towards my children disappeared when my mother died. It’s incredibly hard to explain why this happened and I would probably benefit from therapy to understand it.

But having thought I really struggled to bond with my eldest due to traumatic birth/colicky/grumpy just all round difficult baby I now think it was something to do with me and my relationship with my mother.

I won’t go into too many details but I was free from criticism after she died and able to meet my childrens needs better. Loved her very much but she talked endlessly about my eldest DC being the hardest baby she ever knew, that they were a total handful etc. similar to how she framed me as a child. It was very overwhelming and after she died I just had an overwhelming feeling of how much my little toddlers needed me and love.

They are much older now and I love them dearly and free from any anger/rage.

If my mother hadn’t passed away I don’t know if I would have changed. Because I didn’t realise how my relationship with my mother affected my parenting. And I thought I had a good relationship with my mother but it was complicated. As are all families!

All children have different parents. The first child always has experimental parents and the later ones are parented with more wisdom and patience.
That is life.
It's good that you recognise your differing feelings.
If I were you I would just rememeber that to your son, you are the most precious Mummy he has. I would also make sure he spends time with other people who think he is super special like his grandparents and aunties and sister and father etc. You are not the only source of unconditional love for your son. He will be fine and well loved; you are considerate and doing your best.

You are also showing him a great example of a loving mother when he sees you with his sister. He will remember that and trust that you were like that with him too.

All children have different parents. The first child always has experimental parents and the later ones are parented with more wisdom and patience.
That is life.

However, it doesn't mean that the eldest child is not damaged by this. I think the OP is in a bit of denial about the impact of her irrational rage on her son. But what will really damage her son is if he sees his mother dealing affectionately & calmly with his sister, but feels there is an entirely different interaction with him.

Children notice a lot more about the differences in treatment, love, like and regard between them & their siblings, than parents like to admit.

Do you have any helpful suggestions I can act on, @FarEast , or are you just trying to amplify feelings of guilt and remorse and shame?

@Princessfluffy I'm not commenting on OP's post but separately, in my awful personal experience, limited therapy sessions with poor follow-up (NHS offer a few and then that's it) or cheap bad therapy can really open up a can of worms and do more harm than good.

I know therapy has helped many people but it really isn’t for me. I wouldn’t be able to talk about my feelings for one thing which would negate the point. But I also don’t think therapy is effective for everybody or for every problem. I firmly believe this is something to work through myself.