Do I need to worry?

[Partyintheusa2012]

I can't work out whether I'm just being incredibly paranoid, or whether my husband is showing all the signs of having an affair.

I'll preface this by saying he has always been very vocal about people who cheat, and until I few months ago, I honestly would not have even considered it as a possibility.

So a few months ago I unlocked his iPhone because he asked me to take a photo (I didn't have my phone handy). It opened immediately to WhatsApp, and it asked for Face ID. Obviously I swiped out of it and took the photo, but afterwards I asked him why he'd locked WhatsApp.

He just shrugged and said he hadn't realised he'd done it.... yet it's still locked several months later.

He's clearly forgotten but I added my face to his Face ID a month or so before, and told him I was going to do it. I was wearing sunglasses at the time, so it wouldn't have opened.

He regularly doesn't save numbers to his contacts, so his WhatsApp is full of work contacts messaging him (despite him having a work phone and carrying it constantly) with no names on them.

I haven't yet gone through his WhatsApp - but it's something I'm thinking of doing because of everything else.

We've always known each other's phone code, and obviously I can get into WhatsApp with the passcode anyway - but I wonder if he's locked it so that the messages don't show up on his phone's lock screen.

Then he started at a new gym about 6 months ago. Recently he's been going to the gym for a 6pm class. He leaves 45 minutes before, for a class that is a 15 minute drive (I don't know what the parking is like). Then he doesn't get back until 45 minutes after the class.

He says that the class never starts on time, but this has been going on for weeks! There are classes before and after so I'm sure if they were late all the time there would be complaints. I've checked the schedule and the classes are listed to start when he says they are.

He's been having a stressful time at work - and then suddenly in July he decided on a Tuesday, that he needed to get away and so took himself off to a fitness retreat in another country, about a 3 hour flight away. He stayed two nights and then came back. It was very last minute and it was a bit out of character.

He has had to travel for work a lot since September. Initially he was away for two weeks and was sending photo messages to the kids iPads for those two weeks, plus texting me occasionally.

We don't text or call a lot when he's away, we never have, in over 20 years of being together. He's not a big phone talker and I am not a fan of lengthy text conversations. So that's not unusual.

He was away over the weekend of the 2 weeks as it was too far to come home and then go back again, and we got a few photos of him at the pool etc.

We don't live in the UK at the moment, but have a house there. Which we are currently clearing so we can rent it out. I was due to go to the UK to sort out the removals etc, but it had to be cancelled last minute as the tenants needed to delay.

The next week he was off to London and then on to Italy. So I suggested that he could go to the house at the weekend and the removals could come in then. He was not pleased at the suggestion.

He then said he had to go to Italy on the Thursday, and then all the following week, so he wouldn't be in the UK at the weekend. This was news to me and felt a little like a convenient excuse.

A day later he says he can fly into London early, and go to the house before he's due in London - which didn't make any sense. Things got pushed back again so it never became an issue.

His dad lives in Italy, alone and he is pretty old now. His health and mobility is deteriorating and all the family live in the UK. We've been talking about him going over for a weekend to see him and assess the situation.

So I asked him if he'd pop in to see his dad for the weekend while he's in country. It would be easy to do, based on where he was supposed to be. He pulled a face and just said he didn't think he'd be able to.....

Once he's in London (confirmed by photos he sent to the family chat) he then says that he's not sure he's going to Italy on the Thursday, might have to go elsewhere, and the meeting hasn't been confirmed.

Then, and only when I asked, he tells me he's in France. Apparently an unexpected meeting came up so he went. But he doesn't say Paris - he says France.

The whole thing just doesn't sit right. No photos were sent to the family chat over the weekend, despite him not working and being in a major city, which would usually spark a lot of photos.

All our photos upload automatically to the cloud, and I had a peek this morning, the photographs stop on Thursday and restart on Monday when he got to Rome.

Also, I asked his PA to send me his flight details when he is due to travel (as he's often told me the dates, but not included the travel time, which is often a day either side because of how far he travels - and it's mucked up our plans).

I have her number legitimately because we are often in contact about documents etc that need to be sent to the house/office while he is away.

She mentioned it to him and he was not impressed. Said I shouldn't bother her, and he would send me the dates, even when I pointed out he'd not sent me the full details the last couple of times.

Obviously sex is very limited given he's barely been here but it's been months since he's instigated it, and he often takes himself off to bed early as he gets up really early for work - so we barely see each other.

I feel like I should be starting to worry, something just feels off. Am I wrong?

Honesty please! Even if it's not good news, I'd rather get opinions from someone who doesn't know us.

Oh dear...the more I read the more I already knew...

'Starting to worry'.
No dear, that time has long since past.

The guy is dodgy as fuck.

And yeah I mean i don't even need to suggest you check his phone on this one.

Sorry you're going through this. But all the evidence is already there imo.

It sounds like it might be several women tbh. Potentially...prostitutes.

Might be wise to get an std test just incase.

It's usually the ones that are most vocally outraged by cheats that are cheats themselves. It's a 'one thinks the lady protests too much' thing. It's like guys who say 'I'm such a nice guy'.

Wouldn't trust him as far as I could fling him.

In all fairness it soundslike even if it wasn't cheating...he's checked out of the marriage anyway. Never there, no sex, self involved...nah...life's too short!

I mean I could br wrong but there's so many red flags and I definately got a very strong gut reaction reading your post. Strongest I've ever had about 'oh he's up to something bad' tbh. And it seems you've got the same feeling. Usually your gut is right. Especially if you know the person its giving you warnings about.

It does sound suspicious, I'm afraid.
I've noticed this weird thing about men many times over the years - the ones who claim to be vehemently againsts something (I.e. Porn, homosexuality, affairs, whatever) are the ones who secretly desire it. It's like they're trying to persuade themselves and everyone else how much they don't want this thing - but they secretly do! I've seen it over and over again. My mate's husband was always going on about how much he despised strip clubs - and where did I see him coming out of? So as soon as you said your husband has always been vocally anti-affairs, I thought "Here's a man who either has affairs or wants to". I'm sorry OP.

@Partyintheusa2012 i am going to agree with @Pinkbonbon .
i am in a similar situation like you. Hubby started behaving weirdly lately, going on weekends by himself and spending time alone in another country because “he wants to process his feelings” after we lost a baby. In the meantime I went through a stillbirth, had a c section, almost died and lost a baby at 24 weeks. I also have a strong gut feeling, but also I am not sure I give a shit.
I decided to focus on myself, get fit, find a new job and spend time with my friends. And why not…flirt a little bit. Which has lifted my spirits. Once I feel strong enough after the ordeal I have been through, then I will deal with him and check If he is really cheating.
Don’t focus on him. Focus on you and become the best version of yourself. And despite what everyone suggests here, flirt. Yes flirt. Then when you feel ready, kick your husband out, if he is a cheat.

Yea, just get what you can outof his phone at earliest opportunity. He's being very ecconomical with the truth. I'd suspect some trips will have even taken with OW.

You should check that phone asap. Get a std test and start planning to get out am sorry to say it all screams liar and mistrust to me...

You know him and we don't. The travel thing sounds a little weird but TBH I found it too confusing to follow where he was supposed to be. And things do tend to get confusing when someone is lying...

These two things leapt out at me though
We've always known each other's phone code, and obviously I can get into WhatsApp with the passcode anyway - but I wonder if he's locked it so that the messages don't show up on his phone's lock screen.
Everyone, as a security measure, should be locking down notifications on the lock screen. If you've got 2 factor authentication on your bank account, amazon, email, paypal, ebay etc and you have notifications on, someone can steal your phone and get the codes to steal your accounts as well, without knowing your passcode.

Then he started at a new gym about 6 months ago. Recently he's been going to the gym for a 6pm class. He leaves 45 minutes before, for a class that is a 15 minute drive (I don't know what the parking is like). Then he doesn't get back until 45 minutes after the class.
This doesn't sound even slightly suspicious to me - I would never drive to the gym, just do one class then piss off home. I'd either get there early and warm up on cardio or weights, or if I went straight into the class I'd probably do weights after (depending on what class.)

Get any vibes off the PA?
Because even she could be a possibility.

Hugely unlikely of course- but for all we know he could even be doing something else criminal. Jumping from country to country in order to procure things perhaps. Drugs maybe? Probably more likely he is just taking the other woman on trips or indulging in prostitutes thinking he'll be safe from being caught in different countries of course.

But I just mention it because there was a thing on TV a while back where a wife had no idea her partner, who had started travelling for 'work' was actually part of a paedophile ring and basically travelling to the homes of people he'd spoke to online in order to abuse kids. I'd say it's a slim chance but...there are a lot of weirdos out there. Sometimes they're right under our noses. I don't think it's as rare as we'd like to think.

OK all highly unlikely but just pointing out it might not be affairs.

He could be gambling too. Perhaps that's more likely than paedo or drug smuggler. Would also explain lies and secretive behaviour if he has a gambling addiction. Maybe he travels to casinos.

You need to buy this shirt for your husband.

Yes sounds like he’s having an affair. The fact the PA warned him of your intentions sounds suspicious. Are you sure it’s not her who he’s having the affair with?

I'm pretty sure the PA is in the clear. She's about 20 years older than him and definitely not your typical "bloke having an affair with his secretary type". I can't be certain, but I'd be completely gobsmacked it that were the case.

I doubt it's drug or child sex crimes related. I think an affair is much more likely.

I've never had even an hint of issues before, and trusted him completely, so I guess I need to trust my gut about this, things don't add up and I'm not blind to what that could mean.

I'll see if I can have a good search through his phone and get some answers.

Thank you for the honest advice, it really is much appreciated.

@Rania78 I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

I hope it's not what you think, but I agree his reasoning sounds flimsy.

Sigh, I wish we had a better understanding on marriage, and not setting up for some romantic Romeo and Juliet notion which is plainly unrealistic. xx

@Partyintheusa2012, something illicit must be going on. There will be a specific reason your H is creating distance via his evasions, obstacles,
push back, lack of transparency, cessation of photos, and avoidance of connection and intimacy at home. It feels like he may be accommodating someone else on these journeys.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this. Trust and peace of mind are paramount when a partner works away, and H’s suspicious behavior suggests that he is breaching yours.

My internal bullshit radar would be going off too. Have you got access to bank accounts so you can see what and where he is spending money? Can you get a copy of his itemised phone bill (not helpful with WhatsApp I know but could still show something) or access to his actual phone? Personally, I would be doing those things because, if he IS having an affair, it doesn’t sound like he will just fess up if you confront him with no evidence?

I would be suspicious OP, see if you can get 'proof'. From what you say it sounds likely he's either having an affair or dating various women looking for one.

Gut instinct is usually right too, I regret not always following it.

As ever, the mums net collective is right. Found some text messages - on their own not necessarily incriminating, but it's enough for me.

Red flag central.

Hope you're okay OP...what's your plan now? Does he know you've found them?

Another one for major red flags, also being very very vocal about cheats too that’s a massive one!

Good luck op.

He's a walking red flag.

Do you have children together?

Hope you're okay. X

I hope you’re ok.

I think you knew all along deep down. What are you going to do next?

Oh I’m sorry to hear this. What were the messages you found ??
hope you’re okay

@Partyintheusa2012, I’m sorry that you have indeed found dodgy messages, but I’m not surprised. His behavior has screamed that he is up to something.

Is the OW someone you know or know of? What is your next move?

The messages themselves aren't obvious, but when you put everything together, it's the only thing that makes sense. Even if he denies it, I wouldn't believe him.

Yep we have kids, we also live abroad... oh the joys.

He is finding out tomorrow. I've printed all the screen shots I've taken, written him a letter and I'm going to leave it on his bedside table before I go out. I'm not going to argue the toss, he needs to have a serious think about logistics going forward.

All of which I've thought about, being the vulnerable one, but things I'm sure have never crossed his mind while he was out having fun. Reality is always going to be a bummer after the high of getting away with an affair.

I don't know her, she goes to his gym.

Next move is he needs to come up with a plan that works. He can decide which sacrifices our children have to make because of his decisions. I've set it out in black and white, and he needs to work through the options.

I'm expecting the mums net special of him turning out to be a more useless father than I ever would have thought, that way I won't be even more disappointed.

I'm not sure she's really signed up for a divorcee with 4 kids, so we'll see how long the interest lasts.

Being vocal against cheating is the first sign a guy is a cheater. He's probably controlling and manipulative too. You deserve better for sure! You shouldn't have to be sneaky to get information about your own relationship. He's not honest and he probably will continue to manipulate you to get what he wants. I would start making myself as independent as possible so when shit hits the fan I'm not in a helpless position. Be financially independent and have a plan of where to go and what to do.