Trapped in a gilded cage?

[auberginefortea]

Not sure if this the right forum, as this crosses family, work, and lifestyle, but here goes.

DW and I have been together 10 years, and about 7 years ago, in our early 30s, we moved overseas for DW's work. She's on a career track which means that she may be expected to move internationally, from time to time (think 5 years, with time spent in company HQ in Europe. We have 2 young children.

First, we lived in Europe for 5 years, and then 2 years ago we moved to East Asia. I've worked in both locations remotely for an organisation.

I'm feeling that this is starting to get stale. This week, our kids are ill, and DW is away on a business trip, and I question if this is the life we want to live. We have domestic help, but we don't see family or long-term friends (we've made new friends / acquaintances here). Our home is nice, but it's not really our home, and my career isn't going anywhere.

What makes it harder is that my parents look at it and have also become (to me at least) vocal - why, with two young children are we living like this? And I find it hard to defend.

There are some benefits. We're reasonably financially secure with savings (and I know we're lucky to have that). We can pay for people to do a lot of the domestic tasks. We've experienced things and visited places that, I suppose, make us worldly. And our childcare is affordable (again, from reading MN, I know that's not always the case). But it feels like a bit of a gilded cage.

But when I read about what makes a happy life (I think family, friends, meaningful work), I lack those things.

The big problem is that if we were really to act on this, it would mean my DW giving up her career (which she's worked hard for) and I want to support her. And to be honest, I'm not sure she'd give up her career (as it is) for me (although there are other things she could do, surely).

One last complication is that DW and I are from different countries (UK, Sweden), so neither of us would ever be truly home - although close enough for us to have a home and at least we could visit family a few times a year.

To mix a few metaphors and cliches, it feels like a gilded cage, from which we've put ourselves in checkmate. What would you do?

@bronkie , moving every few years is no at no detriment to the children? Really? When they're tweens/teens and they need to leave all their friends behind and start a new school? When they start a new school in the middle of an exam syllabus, potentially a whole new school system? How is that not incredibly disruptive? Anyone who thinks it's OK to do this to their children does not deserve to be a parent.

@Hayliebells a bit of an overstatement I think. Many expat kids experience this and go on to develop wonderful careers and lives. In fact their experience is often what makes them stand out. People do lead very different and successful lives from the ones you know.

I am losing track of the point of this post tbh. Op feels trapped in a guilded cage, so the answer is either change how you see your life or speak to your wife about changing your life

I was a trailing spouse - it's fun and exciting when you're in your 20s but it's not the same once you have kids in the picture.

What is your long term plan? Have you thought about where you want to bring your kids up?

Personally we always had an agreement that we'll move back home once the kids start school as that's where we want our children to have their education. I had pnd after our second child and really struggled, and we decided to move back earlier because of that. If your wife is working for an international company she can let them know that she's wanting to relocate, that's what my DH did.

I basically agree that moving dc once they are settled to start taking exams isn't great.

But this is a very dramatic post. International moves mostly fit in with school schedules so usually happen at summer. They are big jobs and often planned well in advance.

It is often the case the dc move from one international school to another, keeping whatever academic system they have started.
(Teachers also often move around the same schools as well so can meet up again.)

Teenagers move locations just within countries in fairly normal life sometime. I wouldn't choose to do it but being melodramatic isn't necessary.

@Sashya what a ridiculous and dare I say jealous response
the Op Is allowed to say that he misses being stable and not worrying wether they have to up sticks every now and again
DW can also be said to be selfish for prioritising a career over family and family life even after having children
money isn’t everything if you can’t enjoy stability and life and if you are constantly away

It's a legitimate concern you have. Do not be surprised if, after a lifetime of international living, that your children have the same attitude. That is, they live a life that is dislocated from you and your partner once they are adults. Some older people seem very surprised when their children repeat how they lived and expect them to stay close. It does not happen ime

I’m not sure why the OP is getting a hard time from some posters?! I think it’s quite normal to reassess your longterm plans after you have children, because they’re now the main priority in your life. My parents moved around internationally before I was born then settled back in the UK; DH and I were similar, moved a lot as singletons and as a couple, had children, made one international move when they were very young, then settled. We’d like to move again, tbh, but are now waiting for our youngest (15) to finish school.

Some families continue to move around and that’s also fine, but your thinking does change when you have children-at least ours did.

Back in the day the children would have been sent to boarding school in one of the 'home' countries.

This, for obvious reasons, is not a popular choice these days .

So, a very detailed conversation is required as to what will need to happen for the children in the future. That's the main issue

Buy a house in both home places so you can visit more. Discuss all this with your partner. Cheap childcare helps a lot.

I think many people on here live in the UK and know only one education system. And possibly live near family and friends. So it's hard for them to imagine life that is different from that.

However - other systems do exist. And in most - kids don't start some sort of rigorous preparation for exams at 13. Swedish educational system - that scores far better than the UK, btw - does not even have final exams...
And majority of people living expat life - have kids following IB program. A much better and more comprehensive program than GCSE/A-levels. And it also doesn't have the madness of taking exams in 10+ subject at age 16, then narrowing to just 3.

I have moved around countries and continents, pretty much since I have graduated university. Have been one myself and have been around expats and families. Have seen kids growing up multicultural, etc. My kids speak several languages and are well adapted to different cultures and life-styles.

Like with anything in life - there are pluses and minuses to different courses life can take. Moving can be disruptive, and that is why expats enjoy perks that you won't have if you stay in one place. But growing up in different places also enriches ones life.
There is also a massive difference between moving every 5+ years vs being transitory....

My post isn't overly harsh to the OP. He does sound like he is not trying to make the best of opportunities he has. He also sounds dismissive of his W's career focus that was always part of who she is. He seem a little jealous of her career, tbh. But it's not clear why he isn't trying to build his - it is possible to have colleagues and build networks for him as well. And - it is certainly possible to integrate into the expat community where he is.

Finally - he did marry a person from a different culture/country. In their setup - living close to family is not possible - as one of them won't be. So - one can complain about it - or make the best of it. OP is choosing the first approach at the moment. Maybe it's because he is tired from having young kids - but it'll get easier. AND they can more help - something he really needs to consider.

You're allowed to not be happy with the situation and express that op. Just as a woman would be in your situation.