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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable over xmas

35 replies

13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:22

Morning all. Right now I'm going through the worst time of my life. My adult son is currently in hospital with brain damage it's been 7 weeks now. He is currently quite far away and I'm waiting for a bed for him to start his neuro rehab near to me so I can be there for him . My partner has been so supportive when I had to stay away for over a month in early days but I've had to come home due to being self employed and spending a lot of my money on accommodation etc

I have family visiting my son in the week when I'm away at work and travel every weekend now to get to him.

We had hoped my son would be here by now and it's a waiting game.

My partner constantly moans now at us having to travel up by car so I've been taking on the drive so he can relax.

I'm not confident at driving especially in the dark and the public transport is not an option to take.

My partner and I are very close but he's also very close to his family who live very close by so he can pop in any day during week to see them, my family lives hours away from me.

Round about three months ago his mother came on phone hysterical because his brother had upset his mother and his gf, my partner then said to his brother you've upset your mother and he replied he wasn't talking to a drunk my partner actually had flu. They haven't spoken at all since, not once has his brother asked after my son or even when my partner was home alone in the week while I was away did he even check in on my partner to see if he was ok. His gf messaged me once. His mother is now constantly ringing my partner asking him to talk to his brother but I think it's his brother that owes him an apology. He never bothers with my partner and makes any effort with him any other time and it hurts my partner.

His mother rang last night to ask what we were doing for Xmas she already knew it's my turn to spend Xmas with my own family, and said they were all going out for Xmas dinner, I should t have butted in but I said in background I'm not going with them all.

I'll be spending Xmas with my son wherever he is and we had already decided that we would visit hospital and have a quiet Xmas this year as I don't feel like celebrating it right now and it's my year to do as I wish.

He's now not talking to me and also stormed out this morning , why would I want to go out for Xmas dinner with this family when clearly his brother and gf haven't bothered with is for months and his mother doesn't seem to realise she caused the problem in the first place and doesn't take any responsibility for her overly dramatic performance that caused the problem in the first place.

The womans first words after my son's brain Injury was what a carry on I was insulted.

My whole life revolves around his family most of the time and now I'm having a hard time it seems like a inconvenience.

What would you do.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/10/2023 08:26

I would like to think I would ditch this 'partner' ... he sounds totally unsupportive and immature. Surely as a family your priority is your seriously injured DS?

pictoosh · 17/10/2023 08:29

Simple. Let him deal with his family while you deal with yours. Spend Christmas with your son.
His family drama is really nothing to do with you. The brothers have fallen out? It's between them. His mum's involvement - down to your dh and his brother to attend to. You have enough of your own stuff to worry about.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 08:32

Shudder at the thought of being with a man like this

op - think about it. You are starting a thread about your shitty partner when you son is in hospital with brain damage. Does that really tell you all you need to know

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:48

I know I was trying to find the words to the build up over Xmas. I know where I'm spending Xmas with my son was just highlighting the constant pettiness in-between when I've more to worry about right now.

I'm already mentally exhausted when I'm at home I want peace not all this family drama dumped on my lap. I'm more pissed off my partner is annoyed that I've no intention of spending Xmas with them, if I had a magic wand my son would be fine and we'd all be with my family this year.

So Xmas isn't in my list I think it's quite unsympathetic of his family to think we'd be spending it with them.

OP posts:
Noicant · 17/10/2023 08:49

Your partner is selfish and unpleasant. His family are not your problem.

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:50

My son is my priority not Xmas or feeling obligated to spend it with his family when I clearly said I'm spending it with my boy wherever he is.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 17/10/2023 08:53

Well you're in the right. Inarguably.

Nicole1111 · 17/10/2023 08:54

I would dump his sorry ass for carrying on like a petulant child about driving and Christmas when I had my son to concentrate on. Or if I was feeling giving I’d tell him he either addresses his behaviour quick time or I’d be dumping him. I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this and I’m wishing your son a speedy recovery and somewhere close to you

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 08:54

13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:50

My son is my priority not Xmas or feeling obligated to spend it with his family when I clearly said I'm spending it with my boy wherever he is.

Ok

So…. Be clear about that. Job done.

and not a chance I’d be able to continue a relationship with this man

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:55

Unfortunately it's not as easy as that now I'm committed to the location for my son's rehab I simply can't move I have no family here or network of friends here either. I'd have no home and I dont make much money either, enough to get by but my son needs things so that's where my money is going on fuel and accommodation over weekend now. I know it's a nightmare I'm more annoyed at his reaction. I'm not spoiling his Xmas either if he wants to go celebrate with them he can get on with it.

OP posts:
Tlolljs · 17/10/2023 08:55

Let the two brothers sort their own argument out.
It’s easy being together when everything is good, it’s when the shit hits the fan when people show their true colours. He’s shown you his.
Spend Christmas with your boy obviously, then I would seriously rethink this relationship.

Barrowgirl · 17/10/2023 08:56

Op are you saying that you need to stay in this relationship purely for financial reasons?

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/10/2023 08:56

Is your job portable? Do you get on well with your family? If the answer to both those things as yes then, I would pack up and go and move there, away from this horrible man and his horrible family.

I really hope your son makes a great recovery 💐

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 08:58

I do let him deal with them have been for years but now over this he isn't talking to me like I'm spoiling his family time. Least he can pop round to see his any day of the week.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 17/10/2023 08:58

You really don’t need all this drama with his family whilst you’re son is so unwell. They sound awful 🙁

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 09:04

Thank you it's very early days I stayed by him for 29 days but I was exhausted and broke and had to come home to work and have a few days off to wash my clothes and gather some money together. He's doing really well he had to be resuscitated and put in coma but now he's off vent and tracheotomy out now fought of pneumonia and other things. He has global damage bit he's opening his eyes looking around and he spoke on Sunday which blew my mind. Just the waiting on a bed now to get him as far ahead as possible in his recovery. Can't wait for him to be near me so I'll be able to tend to him. It's a miracle he's here.

OP posts:
Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 09:12

No not just financially we have been together over a decade now but most of my savings have gone due to being away with my son and having to use my money on accomodation and transport to hospital. It's going to take a while to build up my bank account now.

We actually out with his family drama have a good relationship this is our first bump in the road in all this time. I leave him to deal with his family dramas just this time I was like No I'm not having it.

OP posts:
Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 09:21

I could re-establish my work but it's taken four years to get where I am now and I can move things around to free up my days to be by my son. The wheels are in motion for my son already so it's can't be changed now. Where my son is going is the best place for him to be in the country even if I lived beside my family it would be a 6 hour commute to get to him. For me now once he's got his bed not even an hour for me. I'm just disappointed in my partner's reaction about Xmas. Technically if this hadn't happened to my son we wouldn't be having this drama we would be having it with my family. It's just nuts.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 17/10/2023 09:24

think you have far bigger problems than where to go for christmas dinner and his mother should realise that!!! I wouldnt waste my time with any of them when they behave like that! at this point in time, your priority is your son and if you partner is not happy with that then so be it!! good luck for your son's health.

Myhusbandearns150k · 17/10/2023 09:24

I feeling terribly sorry for you. Moaning about driving to visit your son and his mother saying what a carry on to a brain injury. I don’t think I could speak to them again. Are they stupid? Can they really go though life not giving a shit about others.

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 09:31

You know I have stuck by his side all these years when his parents don't have good health and every other day there's something wrong with them. Constant calls from them no boundaries lack of empathy for others.

My children are all grown up and are independent and don't bring me any grief, my partner is treated like one of the family too.

His parents never ask for my family never ! My son needs me and I will always be a mother first.

If it's not concerning their family they aren't interested.

I really don't have much dealings with them I leave them to get on with it.

OP posts:
Oldthyme · 17/10/2023 09:33

Mother! Stand your ground! Step away, shut down on all this drama going on with your partner’s family. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Who gives a flying fk about what that lot do at Christmas?

Do what you have to do to keep yourself physically and mentally well whilst you deal with this awful challenge. This is your time to think about your needs and that of your dear son. No ifs and buts.

I hope you’ll stay strong and that as time goes on your lovely boy will continue to make progress. Good luck to you both.

Original poster
13sunshine · 17/10/2023 09:38

Thank you all for your words. I am overwhelmed with replies I didn't think I'd get any. I'm not going to lay down and let them trample over me. Just wanted to vent the patheticness of some people.

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 17/10/2023 09:40

You say you have been together a decade but yet he barely seems to care about your son. He may not be the father but 10 years is a long time to be in someone's life and not be more supportive of a seriously Ill child.

Fulshaw · 17/10/2023 09:40

I don’t really understand why your partner would think you might spend Xmas with his family? From what you’ve said, you would’ve been spending it with your family anyway, as it’s their turn.