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Original poster

39 weeks pregnant, he left

32 replies

Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 05:06

Me and partner have been together for q0 years. He got a bad diagnosis at Christmas which meant they gave us 2 months before treatment to decide if we wanted children. I fell pregnant in the February/march time. Since then he nasnt yest started treatment. He has been on a downward spiral since. He was happy about the pregnancy but in June he was foun texting another woman which resulted in them saying they loved each other. We moved on from that after accepting that we both had become complacent and there was work to be done and to give it a go. He said he feels like something is missing. Jow at 39 weeks pregnant he has decided to have a few nights away, local, to clear his head. He ended up back at home on Friday as I stayed out. He was with a friend sat and his mams Sunday. Things have escalated so much the last few weeks that I think he could have clinical depression or is close to a mental breakdown. He is adamant there is no one else. He hasn't wanted to be near me or the house for weeks and says nothing brings him happiness, not just me. He says he's lost and doesn't know how to feel anything for anything. I don't know what to do in regards to giving birth very soon.

OP posts:
Powfred · 17/10/2023 05:10

Sorry you're going through this. I think for your own wellbeing you need to focus on yourself and baby. Do you have family support?

MaggieBsBoat · 17/10/2023 05:12

I am sorry you are going through this.
What you do is, you prioritise yourself and your baby. This man is taking much needed emotional and physical energy from you when you have little to spare.
He is an adult and despite obviously going through hard times himself he needs to treat you with decency- he isn’t.
He is acting out (like a toddler) and it’s not acceptable. You need to draw a line in the sand and expect more.
Don’t do any more running. Concentrate on you so he realises that it isn’t ‚all about him‘. In a few months decide whether you should be putting up with him at all.
I went through similar and decided when the baby was just two weeks that one child was enough. I never regretted that.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 05:20

I have taken a step back for now. He can't say If he wants to be with me or not which is infuriating. I think this is down to the mental health side of things. He is numb to everything. It was meant to be just us in having the baby but I can't do that anymore. I have a decent support system round me.

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 17/10/2023 05:47

What's going to be the outcome of this bad diagnosis if he doesn't get treatment? That was nearly a whole year ago.

user1492757084 · 17/10/2023 05:58

He is ill.
Be kind, include him in the birth and expect to have contact afterwards.
Try to understand how he feels about his own health and find a good doctor for him.

Hibiscrubbed · 17/10/2023 06:19

user1492757084 · 17/10/2023 05:58

He is ill.
Be kind, include him in the birth and expect to have contact afterwards.
Try to understand how he feels about his own health and find a good doctor for him.

No. I think she’s done enough. It’s time she focused on herself and the baby. He’s already cheated on her. Any change or treatment for his mental health, has to come from him. His family can support him for a while.

OP, what is the outcome if he doesn’t have treatment? The diagnosis was a long time ago now…

Rania78 · 17/10/2023 06:26

Seems to me that the diagnosis has hit him hard. Have you talked to him about it? May I ask what the diagnosis was?
i think focus on giving birth and get help from friends and family if that helps. You are in a sensitive sotuation and it’s not advisable to be around him. You need to be calm right now. If you can, leave the house and leave with family/friends.

PinkNailpolish · 17/10/2023 06:28

I'm so sorry that your partner isn't supportive. I'm guessing he isn't going to therapy and isn't taking antidepressants? I wouldn't let him be involved in the baby's life (including being at the birth) until he seeks help and actually engages in the mental illness treatment. He should move back in with his mum and get support from his family.

Do you have family support? Focus on you and the baby. Your partner is an adult and can seek help elsewhere.

ittakes2 · 17/10/2023 06:38

It sounds like his treatment will affect his fertility so might be life saving? Is he worried it has not started yet? He might be feeling petrified for his health. That’s enough to affect someone’s outlook on life.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 09:07

It's psoriatic arthritis, it doesn't just effect joints it's effects all tissue in the body. Each flare causes more deformities. They pumped him full of steroids for 5 months while they sorted tests and a treatment plan. With methotrexate pregnancy isn't safe. He enjoys a drink and that has to stop as well. His whole social life with friends and family revolves around alcohol. When he got the tablets he was meant to get an appointment for bloods every 2 weeks but it never came so he just held of taking them, which in tern meant he buried his head in the sand. The flares aren't as bad in the warm weather. A few weeks ago it flared again and is in new joints. I think he's also worried about the responsibility of having the baby. He started a new job in May which he finds very demanding and stressful. It's almost like the whole year has become a catalyst .

OP posts:
NotAgainBrian · 17/10/2023 10:51

Have you posted about this before? I'm sure I've seen a similar post on here recently. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 13:38

No not about this subject.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 17/10/2023 13:43

Oh wow I was expecting you to say cancer or something not arthritis. Jesus he needs to grow up and quick. For your sake and babies you need to back away from him and focus on you. Sounds like he’s struggling with depression which can and does happen after when you find out you’re ill but it’s not ok to push you away.

SofiYol · 17/10/2023 13:48

I’m sorry he is treating you so poorly. I agree that it’s time to focus on you and your baby.

Given what you’ve said I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another woman somewhere.

Original poster
Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 14:43

He's adamant there's no one else. He's admitted to being selfish and taking me forgranted. The prognosis isn't good. There's every chance he could end up in a wheel chair by his late 40s. Half of me thinks there's might be, te other half not so much.

OP posts:
Thistlelass · 17/10/2023 23:11

I'm sorry for the ignorant opinion put forward on here about your husband's diagnosis. Some people are just vile in what they say about conditions which are not affecting their lives in any way, shape or form. I don't know. Perhaps by the time you get around to reading this you may have had your baby. How lovely xx
My working background was in social work and I can see a role for them in your family life at the moment. So I would try to get a referral through to adult care. They should be able to offer support, assess need and signpost on to other agencies who can assist you both as may be required. Of course I do not want to down play the need for stable support for you and the baby. I can hear though that you recognise that your husband is currently in quite a fragile state mentally and physically. It is not ideal when you are having your first baby. Maybe the two of you, once baby is safely here, could go some way to identifying individual and joint concerns and needs. Put these down on paper with a view to getting answers from professionals and your own research. Feel free to direct message me if you want to discuss further xx

Loubelle70 · 17/10/2023 23:21

MaggieBsBoat · 17/10/2023 05:12

I am sorry you are going through this.
What you do is, you prioritise yourself and your baby. This man is taking much needed emotional and physical energy from you when you have little to spare.
He is an adult and despite obviously going through hard times himself he needs to treat you with decency- he isn’t.
He is acting out (like a toddler) and it’s not acceptable. You need to draw a line in the sand and expect more.
Don’t do any more running. Concentrate on you so he realises that it isn’t ‚all about him‘. In a few months decide whether you should be putting up with him at all.
I went through similar and decided when the baby was just two weeks that one child was enough. I never regretted that.

Yep

Dullardmullard · 18/10/2023 01:26

He’s a selfish Arse hole

he can have a better quality of life with treatment but now decides to fuck off and bury his head in the sand. He won’t be pain free but it can be managed.

I’d just concentrate on you and baby for now.

do not push for him to see you both let him do that he knows where you are.

EtiennePalmiere · 18/10/2023 05:14

I've had a similar illness, it is awful. However he's still a wanker and I would just write him off in my head until the birth to try and make it go as smoothly as possible. Then see how I feel about putting him on the birth certificate.

EtiennePalmiere · 18/10/2023 05:18

To add, it's very true about not being able to drink with this type of thing, but if he misses it I wonder how ill he can really be.
Speaking from experience even a sip of alcohol was the last thing I wanted because it's so inflammatory, ditto coffee and strongly flavoured foods.

Seenoevil33 · 18/10/2023 11:16

I have the same illness and have had it since early 20s. He will not end up in a wheelchair. Methotrexate is a first line treatment and will in all likelihood not resolve the arthritis. He will probably then be out on a biological which will help greatly! I am generally now without pain most days and have only 1-2 flares a year.

I still enjoy wine and my blood work is fantastic. He may also be able to come off the methotrexate once he’s on a biologic that works - I haven’t been able to, as my arthritis returns with a vengeance without both!

give him some time to come to terms with things but he must be clear that things will improve!

solice84 · 18/10/2023 14:27

It sounds like 'the script' to me
There was someone else and I'd put money on there still being someone else .
Sorry op

Wokeuptired · 18/10/2023 14:35

I have p.a. and had it for many years it took 4-5 years of different medications to find one that suits me. It's not a death sentence he is being a selfish prick

Pumpkinpie1 · 18/10/2023 14:36

Having a chronic health condition is not a get out free card to behave like a …..
Stop making excuses for his disgusting behaviour.
Hes about to be a Dad, time to grow up or move on

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 18/10/2023 14:59

I'd let him go, frankly.