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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

39 weeks pregnant, he left

32 replies

Darceydoodles · 17/10/2023 05:06

Me and partner have been together for q0 years. He got a bad diagnosis at Christmas which meant they gave us 2 months before treatment to decide if we wanted children. I fell pregnant in the February/march time. Since then he nasnt yest started treatment. He has been on a downward spiral since. He was happy about the pregnancy but in June he was foun texting another woman which resulted in them saying they loved each other. We moved on from that after accepting that we both had become complacent and there was work to be done and to give it a go. He said he feels like something is missing. Jow at 39 weeks pregnant he has decided to have a few nights away, local, to clear his head. He ended up back at home on Friday as I stayed out. He was with a friend sat and his mams Sunday. Things have escalated so much the last few weeks that I think he could have clinical depression or is close to a mental breakdown. He is adamant there is no one else. He hasn't wanted to be near me or the house for weeks and says nothing brings him happiness, not just me. He says he's lost and doesn't know how to feel anything for anything. I don't know what to do in regards to giving birth very soon.

OP posts:
Darceydoodles · 18/10/2023 15:10

So he's been for an appointment and got his new meds and antidepressants as well as extremely high blood pressure. Which they are monitoring over the next week or 2. I maybe didn't help things when I told him i could do this all myself the night before he said he needed a few days to himself.

OP posts:
FartSock5000 · 18/10/2023 15:52

@Darceydoodles stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.

You are putting his wants, needs and feelings first every time. When do you start to matter? What about your baby? When do they matter? At some point, you have to put yourself first.

He may be ill and that is a shame and hard road ahead for him BUT he lied and cheated on you and told another woman he loved her! You took him back.

He hasn't been engaging with the doctor, meds and life choices to make things easier. Only when you've pushed and pushed.

He isn't a man who wants to love and be loved back equally. He isn't able to not be selfish. You just don't matter to him and the baby is an inconvenience.

Dump him. Live your life and co-parent only. Put yourself first this one time.

Darceydoodles · 18/10/2023 16:14

I can move past the whole being selfish thing. I feel he finds it easier to be distant because I've never really made him feel needed. I get told this from friends and family, not about him but how I treat them as well. I'm not perfect and I know that. I don't need him like I said, I could do it myself. He knows that. It's hard to know if there's anyone else or that it's just he's become so withdrawn that he's a husk of what he was. I've never had clinical depression, a friend has and she pointed out that this was how she found herself living at the time. Either way me and baby will be good and supported.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 18/10/2023 16:37

With respect OP you shouldn't or he shouldn't need anyone. Its wanting someone, that's the key .
I suffer with bi polar and depression but dont treat people badly. All the best OP

HamBone · 18/10/2023 16:42

This is very good news, OP, he’s facing his situation and starting the treatment that he needs.

Personally, I don’t think you did anything wrong by telling him that you could bring up your child alone if necessary-if anything, you reassured him that you and your baby will be OK.

If he wants to be a parent (and he obviously did 9 months ago as you baby was planned), he needs to do his best to address his illness for his child’s sake. My Mum was diagnosed with a chronic condition when I was a toddler and she fought it every step of the way, mainly because she wanted to be there for me and my Dad. She was a wonderful Mum, illness doesn’t have to prevent you from being a good parent. ❤️

PinkNailpolish · 18/10/2023 17:55

EtiennePalmiere · 18/10/2023 05:18

To add, it's very true about not being able to drink with this type of thing, but if he misses it I wonder how ill he can really be.
Speaking from experience even a sip of alcohol was the last thing I wanted because it's so inflammatory, ditto coffee and strongly flavoured foods.

I also have autoimmune diseases and avoid alcohol because it's highly inflammatory and worsens my symptoms. Very sad that he can't have fun without alcohol and every social event has to involve alcohol. He needs to get a grip. Loads of mothers (including myself) look after their children whilst suffering with flare ups.

Darceydoodles · 18/10/2023 18:26

He has acknowledged that there has to be a change with alcohol. He says he's not going to be a dad who's in the pub all the time. That's promising as long as he can put it into place. Friends and family will be a struggle to tell they need to help and mot constantly offer it. Don't know why they can't just have a cuppa instead of a can or wine when people pop round. Hopefully in the next few weeks he'll become his old self again once his head clears and the pain lifts and he isn't drinking as much liquid depressant. Plus he will have the little fella to look after

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