Why is it so difficult to make friends when you're older?

[Mumoneboy]

I'm a mum of two and despite being a mum of two I will always make time for my friends but I can't say that I receive the same from them and I'm not sure why? I'm finding that it's so hard to make meaningful friendships as im older and im wondering why?

How old is older ?

@Livelifelaughter 35

As a general rule, humans are crap and self-centred.

Yeh it's weird. And ghosting is a thing now too!

I thought I had a nice friend a few years back. We were mates for a year and talked most weeks, sometimes a few times per week. We'd hang out 2 or 3 times a month and even watch netflix remotely together. Equal instigation of things so neither of us chasing.

One day we're chatting as always, then after that she's just, gone. Phone rings out. No reply to my text on her spare phone (she had mentioned a few days earlier that her phone was on the out but that she still had her spare so it was fine).

No idea what happened. She had told me recently she was bi. And mentioned in the past that her bf was worried about who she was texting when she contacted me. So maybe that was something to do with it and she just didn't know how to word it.

I don't think there was need to worry as she had a big family near her looking out for her so I don't think anything bad happened. Nothing in the local news or anything. So I guess I just got ghosted.

But I was absolutely gutted as its so hard to make nice friends. And there's something much more painful in getting ditched by a girl mate than by a guy. I think I'd be more reluctant to have a close girl friend now than a boyfriend tbh. Which is a shame because it really does enhance life to have good friends.

Maybe that's why a lot if people dont want to invest time in friendships. Because there's such capacity for dickishness from people.

Firstly, I'm not sure I'd call 35 'older', but when you have younger dc, then it is a difficult time to maintain friendships as it is just so darned complicated to be able to find a time to go out. Everyone needs to be able to co-ordinate a time when you are not only free, but also you can all find babysitters that are free. - - Money is often tight when you have dc.

-adults at that sort of age are often very busy at work, and sometimes studying as well, and that is hard to fit around your own family and all the family needs, without finding the energy to be going out too

However, I don't think you can generalise it as being difficult to make friends when you are older.

Combination of lots of things really

people are busier and more tired (kids, work, age)
people are coupled up and don’t “need” friends to the same degree
people already have friends and don’t need new ones

I think that because a lot of people are settled down by their late 30's / 40's, they don't need their friends in the same way as they did when they were younger. I look back on my late teens and early - mid twenties with wonder; it was so easy to make friends at college, uni, and houseshares. And I also look back with some regret as I just couldn't be arsed to maintain all these friendships and let them wither and die 😕Then when I got with my (now ex) long-term partner we both were quite happy to just spend time with each other, we thought we didn't need other people. When we did socialise we also hung out with other couples that we already knew as it seemed to make more sense: I'd have a gal-pal to talk to and he could have blokey conversations with the male partner. Now I'm single and 40, most of my friends are not single and I can see that I need my friends more than they need me. It stings a lot, knowing I've been "demoted" (even though I did this to other people when I was with my ex). The cost of living doesn't help; having babies and young children doesn't help. A lot of people with large and / or close families choose to hang out with their relatives especially if they all start having children at the same time as it's easier to feel relaxed with your kids playing with their cousins than your friend's kids; they don't need to be on their best behaviour in the same way. Or if you have kids and your friends don't, it can be quite awkward bringing the children along to gatherings.

@CharacterEncyclopedia But you demoted your own, real friends to be part of a 'friendship group,' of couples that only last as long as the relationships. And they're usually shallow.

A lot of women use other women to go out with to meet Prince Charming and then dump them when they served their purpose. It's bitten you on the backside.

I don't think 35 is older. What I have found is that after school and university you need to single people out to make friends and not just let it happen by osmosis. So if do an activity then suggest a coffee afterwards, strike up conversations. You sort of need to go out of your way. I am pretty good at making friends but I am quite active in suggesting things andor inviting them to say join a dinner party. The other thing I would also say is do lots of things and have interests because doing interesting things makes you better company.

Older than what?

At 50, most of my friends have come through feminist campaigning, work & various evening groups / classes. As a PP said though it does involve sticking your neck out a bit more.

People change
Boundaries in place
priorities change
family becomes increasingly important

I think people are a bit too hung up on the friendship thing. We are told we need friends. But not all of us do, or at least not all the time. Sone people are very selective and private, and others are social butterflies who are friends with everyone.

Perhaps it is more important when younger, when we’re more social if only to try and find a romantic partner 😆. Or else for mutual support through different times. True friends are actually rare.

I’m in my 60s now and happy to have some occasional companionship rather than the whole drama of “besties” 👯 🙂. I’ve also had a difficult life I prefer not to burden people with, and interests that, well, few people are interested in.

However, you are younger than me OP, so perhaps need more socialising and that makes sense. I think if you just keep on “doing socialising” in some ways (if that’s what you want to do) friendships and companions may turn up and if they don’t, well no harm done and you will hopefully still have enjoyed yourself?

It's because your standards are higher than they were on your early 20s. The bullshit I put up from "friends" in my 20s is unreal. I've always felt that I put more effort into friendships that I ever got back so now I can't really be bothered with it all. I also think I'm your 20s friendships can be more superficial if you're just going out drinking etc. But in your 30s you probably want a friend you have more in common with.

I am friendly with a few school mum's but would only see them when the kids have a playdate. Also, I think in your 30s people are generally more busy with works, kids etc so it's harder to make time for friendships.

this really. mumsnet is rife with responses of 'i dont owe anyone my time' when it comes to responding to people, people have become more self-absorbed.

Yes have found people self absorbed. Im 50. People dont commit now to things. You get tired being the one planning things too. I deleted a few off my phone as got one sided efforts..

It has indeed - cheers for pointing that out 😀👍

@Keyryder

Could it be that your friend developed romantic feelings for you? I say this because this happened to me. My feelings for my friend were so strong and I had to stop contact as I was married and she was straight. Maybe her telling you she was bi was sort of testing to see if you felt the same?
Could be completely wrong but reminded me so much of my lovely friend who I felt awful about but just couldn't continue to see because it was making my head so crazy.

It did cross my mind that that could be a possibility. But I didn't ever get any 'vibes' off her to suggest that though. And it wouldn't excuse her just ghosting as far as I'm concerned. She could have easily just 'got busy' and peetered off contact. And if that wasn't possible then she owed me the truth as far as I'm concerned. Or at the very least - telling me that there was too much going on in her life and she didn't want to be in contact anymore. I would have been hurt but respected her being honest rather than leaving me worrying I'd done something wrong or something had happened to her.

The OP hadn't been a loyal friend herself, though.

Particularly feel for you @Keyryder , been there too. Do you mind me asking how old roughly the two of you were at the time? (and how long ago)
In my case, we were both in mid 20s, had similar lives, similar tastes, part of each other's (post uni) lives really. Out of the blue, my calls/texts weren't answered. To the point I was genuinely worried something horrible had happened to her.
15 years on, out of the blue again, she did contact me. We both cried in our reunion. Her answer (to the obvious question) was that she was immature, insecure, and lost. We still keep in touch now (not like everyday, as we up in our mid twenties) but we're friends.
But I feel your pain. Rest assured the problem is with her (whatever it is), absolutely not with you. I'm just sure you just wish her all the best.

Yes I suspect its probably a fairly common occurrence unfortunately.
She was late 20s, I was early 30s.

Just no indication of anything being up...
The only thing I can think of is that her bf and her had just got back together after a couple of months break and me and her had gone out clubbing twice during that time and she'd kissed a few guys so maybe he wasn't keen on her having a friend who might enable that (in his mind). Like she didn't seem the sort to be in anything controlling but you just never know...

It's nice that you two got back in touch :) sounds like she's had the time and matured from it.

Def hard. Hobbies or groups help. I agree with pp this thing of ghosting now. You dont know where u stand with people.. find its easier my own company

A lot of thoughtful comments have already been made- in particular, lots of people drop their own friends when in relationships either because they spend time with their SO or the SO’s friends or when they have young kids. This has happened recently to me once again with a friend now engaged to be married. As people find partners/have families they tend to move away from London where I am based so I have also lost quite a few friends to commuter towns and see them twice-three times a year. I am finding that any new friends I try to make are totally uncommital and flakey so not really worth the effort. Since friendships are important to me as someone who has been single for a while, I just make an effort to initiate plans etc with the friends that I do value and want to keep in touch with. I don’t mind always being the one to reach out etc. I think some activities that allow you to meet people every week such as choir help but I haven’t been able to make friends through meet up groups/bookclubs etc - people tend to be cliquish. Lots of people also prefer to socialise with people from work.

I don't actually think it is so hard, but you do need to reach out and make an effort. Personally I think friendships from activities take a long time to form if the activity end in the evening because most people dash home ...I have been singing in choirs for about 15 years and have really only 2 friends from it. My approach is to single someone out, such as invite them to a gallery exhibition and offer them a ticket. I have a few dinners a year and invite old and new people that I have met. I know a lot of people who move to London knowing no one but establish a group of friends by getting to know their neighbours and joining sports groups.

Its def hard I found even hobbies people stopped going. You dont want buy 2 tickets then your not paid for it. I found it crap so just go myself now to things.. a dog is good as you dont rely on others.