Why is it so difficult to make friends when you're older?

[Mumoneboy]

I'm a mum of two and despite being a mum of two I will always make time for my friends but I can't say that I receive the same from them and I'm not sure why? I'm finding that it's so hard to make meaningful friendships as im older and im wondering why?

@Mary46 I think my point is a little different...I would pay for the ticket, usually I get a membership to a gallery that includes a guest. I have been on the receiving end where someone I know asks me to join them for x Y z and will have bought a ticket for me, and I will then offer to buy a drink. People like to be treated as though you are really interested in them.

I never buy someone a ticket before I have their confirmation they are happy to go!

I think it that's when you become older your friendships become more superficial. People do have other priorities compared to when you're younger. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've found that the friendships I have made in my 30's are not as easy. I would say I'm the one that does try to have a friendship, make plans and keep in touch. But I don't always get the same back and that hard to digest. But I'm learning to not take it personally now and take it for what it is. Otherwise it had no benefit to me wondering why I'm not getting the same back. If people want to try they can.

I'll give an example of this. I made a friend whilst I was pregnant with my first born and her with her first. Our friendship was super close, we saw each other all the time etc even when we had our babies. Then a year later (she's Ukrainian), when the war started obviously this was a difficult time for her but I was there for her popping over to see her and support her. Even offering to babysit her son so she could have some time to herself. 4 months after she helped her Ukrainian friends to come over with their babies and live with her. This is where it all changed. She didn't have the time anymore to have the same friendship that we always had because she had other priorities and I accepted this at first but it became a problem when she made plans with me but would cancel last minute or be very late etc. I confronted her and she didn't take it very well. From this point our friendship didn't improve. I felt she she used my confrontation and took it personally. We are still friends but not the same. I personally feel if I could be there for her through her hard times why couldn't she be there for me when I was struggling. She stopped making effort. I felt she had her other friends here so didn't need me anymore. At first I struggled with this but now I've grown to accept that our friendship has changed and it is what it is. This is why I asked why is it so hard to make friends that last.

I think people use you and are quick to disgard then. I recall a family member she wasnt working. I always met her and things great. She got back to work. Texted dying to know my daughters results for college. Then nothing again. Im done with users! Mumoneboy that was hurtful agree

She never suggested catch ups after that so I stopped texting her

@Mary46 I'm sorry. I'm totally get it. It's a shit situation but it's good you stopping make the effort. I've done that too now.

Maybe we should create a group for online friendship group. 😅

I don't think you need many - it's quality over quantity for me. I have maybe 3 or 4 close friends now. About 5 years ago I had 6 or so, 10 yrs ago probably 12. As has been mentioned, as you get older you prioritise different things. I probably don't hang around with my childless friends as much as I would do if they had kids (one in particular makes it clear she does not want to talk about children at all, which is hard when you are often thinking of kids as a parent, so I might avoid her without really thinking too hard about it because it becomes less relaxed).

I've had more fall-outs with people I was close to as I have matured and drawn boundaries too. I recently decided to put my foot down with one friend who kept dropping nasty comments into our chats, which I'd ignore. When she was particularly nasty directly to me one evening (about my appearance and her opinion) I drew a line, asked her to apologise twice, she refused and that was that. I've not called her and she hasn't called me. Over a decade of friendship - gone, but really, what kind of friend is deliberately mean to another then refuses to apologise when they've hurt them? Not a friend I'd want; I know if I ever hurt my friends I'd apologise because I care about them and wouldn't intentionally hurt them.

I think as you age you can stand up for yourself more, your bullshit detector works better and you realise life is just too short for people who just want to make you sad.

There are lots of interesting podcasts about friendship and how to make new friends.

Personally I think friendships are one of life's best gifts. And can also be the cause of much heartache!

@fabio12 I completely agree. You definitely have less time to deal with bullshit as you mature. But I also think at goes the other way sometimes. As in, I think it's okay to stand up for what you think is right but sometimes so called friends use that as a way to bow out of the friendship or distance themselves. I guess though they can't be 'true' friends then.

@Mumoneboy I don't know about "true" friendships, it's an intimate relationship but not one you can cheat on, if you know what I mean. I think if you frequently disagree and can't come to a satisfactory understanding on multiple topics I'd bow out and spend less time. Saying that I have a friend who I enjoyed calling throughout Brexit because we were on opposite sides and verbally sparred about it, so having different opinions can be something that adds. I think people either gravitate towards wanting to spend time with each other or they don't - when it isn't fun any more that's when I'd call time and fade away or be direct, depending on how the person would handle that. As another friend thread on here this morning shows, anything too one-sided and not reciprocal becomes something the other friend dreads rather than is excited to spend time on.

@fabio12 what I mean is a true friendship is one that withstands disagreements or differing opinions. One friendship I still have has changed because of me having an opinion :/