How do we live together after I tell him I want to separate?

[Applesauce123]

Exactly as the title says.😔
He's a workaholic and we have no life together.
Our youngest says he's beginning to hate him cos he's always working.
I try to discuss this with him but he gets angry.
I told him I don't know how to get thru to him anymore.
He won't even change a sodding light bulb- I do it and have vertigo!
Has refused to get house painted even though paint is peeling - I've got a recommended decorator to give a quote and no doubt he'll be angry cos I've taken it out of his hands.
Hides income - goes into separate bank account, has little patience with our children and they look to me as sole parent.

His attitude has always been he works so hard and I'm ungrateful.
He earns over £100,000/year cos I'm doing everything apart from an hour a day! If I go out for a few hours at the weekend, children are relieved when I come back - 16 and 10 so not babies!

Told him I'm upset and lonely. He initiated separate beds (he snores and I'm having night sweats), but there's no companionship when he's awake either.

I feel like crying cos a neighbour earning the same amount/similar job has weekends with his family and my husband says an hour not working costs him £150 - Saturday afternoons are just like Tuesday mornings to him.
Working from home was meant to be a fresh start but he's simply working more hours.

Sounds like you are effectively separated in the same household already. All you need to do is declare it and stop doing the "wifework".

Are you married?

Yes, agree with the 'effectively separated'.
I go to an early exercise class Sunday mornings to make me feel better about him working or watching tv separately from me on Saturday nights.
Married over 15 years.

Solicitor plus forensic accountant and start a divorce. Why continue living like this?

Initiate divorce proceedings

I want to do it as cheaply and throughly as possible- any good forensic accountants outside London?

Also, child has GCSE exams this summer - worried separation will affect her negatively.

I was in a similar position and my H’s extreme reaction took me by surprise given he was very similar to yours and didn’t want to take any role in family life at all, barely said two words to me etc.

it was pretty horrific as it took him some time to finally accept I was serious, but going to counselling did help us (me mainly) find a way forward and for him to finally listen to what I was saying and accept I wasn’t going to change my mind.

at one point I had hoped we could stay living in the house together until it sold but it was just too awful and his extreme emotions and anger were affecting the children as he wasn’t able to control it around them.

he wouldn’t move out unfortunately so the children and I moved into rented. Like your H he is a much much higher earner than me, although I do work full time. He is being ok with maintenance and helping pay the rent although we are squished into a small rental with me sharing a room with my daughter whilst he rattles around in a 6 bed house by himself apart from alternate weekends but I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to have our own space and be free of him. Yes all the kids stuff is down to me but it always was anyway.

sadly we have already been in rented longer than planned as he took a while to agree to market the house and now it’s just not selling. Moved out 9 months ago and house has been on since May.
but I know we’ll get there in the end.

it’s hard but you can do it x 💪

It's going to cost him a lot more than that if you divorce. Fool.

I can't face selling the house.
The children have never known another home.
Would I have to sell if we separated?
I've been unable to work as I am a low earner and wouldn't earn enough to pay for childcare during school hols, which he has always worked through.

You need to get advice from a solicitor about what financial outcomes there might be.

Sounds like it's potentially financially abusive if you are married to someone earning £100K yet couldn't work yourself because he won't shell out for childcare. Why was childcare your bill alone? Barmy.

Category 12: Never got as far as having a discussion with him about who pays for childcare.
He wouldn't see it as benefitting me emotionally- he's even asked me why I volunteer at school cos I don't get paid - he doesn't understand its to be with people and help school raise money (and improve my confidence).
I'm broken.
I'm supposed to be doing a learning course one weekend a month from January to July - even though his dad'll be at home, I need to organise playmates for my youngest to go out - cos dad works till 3 at weekends.
I told its upsetting our youngest and he says he's not being told what to do by a child.

The more I try to discuss with him, the more he digs his heels in (not literally!).

I suppose I'll just tell his family that we're separating cos he's got a work addiction and the 3 of us (me and kids) are fed up of being ignored.

I'm so miserable and upset that he's refusing counseling

I think as Pp have said, make an appointment with a solicitor and find out what your options are. You may have to sell the house, or you might be able to stay there til the kids are 18-we can't advise you on that. Marital assets are split starting 50/50 but often then weighted additionally according to earning potential-currently not as much potential for you so you would get more asset.
(That's very basic-it's a lot more nuanced than that).
Without his income you might also qualify for universal credit whilst you job search so it's worth bearing that in mind. And obvs he would need to pay child maintenance. Use the only calculator to see how much. I'm assuming he won't want the kids much as he doesn't seem to want them now-so that affects the calculation.

I'm sorry op. These are the hard yards. But worth it in the end to not be living in a miserable house with a miserable man, and no options for a life of your own.

I told him today that he's made it clear you don't have much interest in the children or I.
He said i don't appreciate he's going through a very busy time now.
I told him its always a busy time for you.
How long is it going to last for - forever and I'm not stupid.

I think he wants my unlimited support - he doesn't see me as a person.

I expect like my stbxh he's happy to stay in the relationship broken but not ended because it's easier with you there. He has everything else done and can just focus on work, his DC are there if he ever what's to engage. He can pretend working and being around his family but not really engaged still makes him a good Dad. It also means he doesn't have to split his assets. I don't know if stbxh would have ever pulled the plug on things, I think probably not until the kids had left home. On some level what you have now works for him or isn't so bad for him he's prepared to risk the outcome of seperating.

In answer to the question in your title, I'd say it's shit living seperated under one roof. A different kind of shit than the proceeding years had been. One positive thing I could at least tell myself that I was now working towards leaving him and there was a finite limit on our relationship. It was easier to deal with his BS and the nasty comments and the criticising me to the kids because I knew that at some stage I wouldn't have him as a constant presence in my life anymore. He's still being a dick, he's still being nasty and criticising me to the kids and we've still in the middle of our divorce, but he's no longer a daily presence in my life which is really nice.

Elifurtle. Your words resonate with me.
I've asked for his support/time so many times and he's always said he has to work (pregnancy scan following miscarriage, meeting with teachers).
Doesn't even offer me water when I'm coughing (hayfever and we're both downstairs).
I don't ask him to do anything for me anymore cos he won't.
Misogynist?

Cheaply and throughly do not belong together. Don’t diddle yourself OP!

I'd wait until after the GCSE exams but I'd get everything ready without saying anything to him. Then at end of June I'd get a solicitor letter sent to him. You need to know about these secret bank accounts OP and any pension details too.

I called time on my marriage. We were both retired with adult child. He reacted by being very very angry. He wouldn’t do relationship counselling.

In hindsight I think he had taken a long hard look at our marriage years ago and decided that it was better for him to stay in the marriage, but completely do his own thing, spend what he likes, have hobbies and his own set of people to socialise. I meantime was cooking, washing, cleaning, general dogsbody etc.

It finally got to the stage I was afraid to say boo to a goose. He would tell me he loved me, but his actions disproved this. I really think he only said this to keep me thinking there was some feeling on his part when there wasn’t.

So his extreme anger was because I had ruined all his future plans by not wanting to live the life he assigned to me.

I tell you this because it may be that your husbands work addiction is just his way of disengaging with you and the children. He may know perfectly well what he’s doing, he just doesn’t want to let you in on his decision.

Ref regarding living separately in the same house. This will entirely depend on how angry a divorce makes him.

Best advice, make sure you know where all the money is before you talk Ref divorce. It sounds as if it may be difficult in your case. But believe me it will be impossible after the D word is uttered.

I had to live with my Stbxh for 7 months in the same house. His rage and haranguing left me a nervous wreck.

I have moved into rented and the feeling of peace and safety is utter bliss. To my mind it is worth it.

Best of luck. My husband actively encouraged me to see an experienced qualified psychologist. He thought they could help with my mental health and emotional state. He didn’t know she was telling me he was an entitled bully.

Hi caring - that's exactly what I'm thinking.
Is she - sounds familiar.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

It sounds like you have tried hard to communicate with DH and either he does not want to listen, or does not care.

I would echo what some other people have said RE your DCs' education. GSCEs are very important and stay with you for life, and a divorce is a fairly lengthy process (I am a family lawyer).

RE the sale of the house and what a divorce would look like, I would need to ask you about 5-10 targeted questions to give more detailed advice , however I will offer the likely outcome here:

• Your family house will be sold, and split either 50/50, or more in your favor
• DH will have to pay maintaince for DC (a low amount typically)
• DH will have to pay you maintainance, but probably until DCs are both over 18, at which point you would be expected to work to support yourself
• DC will stay with you

From what you have said I would suggest a divorce is not a great idea at this time due to DCs' education, and your current mental state. DH earns enough to pay for therapy and that would be my first move. I would also look to build a bigger social circle as you do not have to work.

Also please do not hate me for saying this but DH doesn't earn 100k plus because you care for the children, child care costs less than 100k a year so he could still earn that amount and pay someone else.

If you want more detailed advice feel free to reach out, hope this helps.

I’d wait until after the GCSE’s. If your child is 10 assume starting secondary next year, if your husband works at home start a job and then at least you might have a chance at keeping the house. You need professional advice re what you’d get in event of divorce. Assume house will be sold if you can’t buy him out - but I’m not expert

I think it’s clear that he has no feelings for you anymore but the current situation suits him. He works more so he doesn’t have to engage with you. Only you can drive this forward but I too would wait until your eldest has completed their exams but use these 6/7 months wisely to get as much information together as you can without him realising what you are doing. You do need to come to terms with the fact that your marriage is over though which mentally isn’t easy.

I'm looking to do some training so I can turn my hobby into a business and I totally agree with waiting till GCSEs finish and gathering financial info till then.
That's been my plan for a while.

Honest2afault - he wouldn't be able to earn as much if he had to spend time organising childcare, parenting (including all the mental load) and sorting out school runs.
I can't work - I need to requalify in my field and can't do this unless he does school runs/ spends time with kids at weekends.

If I work, when do I get time to breathe? He won't even get my antihistamine prescription from the local pharmacy- all he has to do is collect it.
He says he has too much work- 7 days a week.