How do we live together after I tell him I want to separate?

[Applesauce123]

Exactly as the title says.😔
He's a workaholic and we have no life together.
Our youngest says he's beginning to hate him cos he's always working.
I try to discuss this with him but he gets angry.
I told him I don't know how to get thru to him anymore.
He won't even change a sodding light bulb- I do it and have vertigo!
Has refused to get house painted even though paint is peeling - I've got a recommended decorator to give a quote and no doubt he'll be angry cos I've taken it out of his hands.
Hides income - goes into separate bank account, has little patience with our children and they look to me as sole parent.

His attitude has always been he works so hard and I'm ungrateful.
He earns over £100,000/year cos I'm doing everything apart from an hour a day! If I go out for a few hours at the weekend, children are relieved when I come back - 16 and 10 so not babies!

Told him I'm upset and lonely. He initiated separate beds (he snores and I'm having night sweats), but there's no companionship when he's awake either.

I feel like crying cos a neighbour earning the same amount/similar job has weekends with his family and my husband says an hour not working costs him £150 - Saturday afternoons are just like Tuesday mornings to him.
Working from home was meant to be a fresh start but he's simply working more hours.

You can pay a nanny around 27k a year and she will fulfill all childcare needs for infants, therefore DCs' care should be considerably less, allowing DH to continue working at 100k plus a year.

I'm not saying you should work, I am just saying DH earns 100k plus irrespective of you as he can pay a nanny to do what you do.

Out of curiosity may I ask what your field is? as it will impact DH's maintenance contributions to you.

I have a form of nerve damage so can't go back full-time to an desk job, that's why I need to requalify.
He would expect me to sort out the domestic side of things as well as work, as if he had no responsibility in the house.

At the moment, I'm so upset at the way he's treated me I can't interview well anyway.

I'm really sorry to hear that, I would really recommend therapy, your mental health has to be a priority.

To be fair to DH, most men who pull 100k will not accept domestic responsibility. I would suggest the issue is that he does not make time for you and DC.

Hi honest - agreed x 2.
I can cope with the domestic load (cleaner helps!), but the loneliness has got to me.
I feel so unsupported.
He walked out on us 9 years ago for 5 days.
We have never had counselling or spoke about it - he said he was only coming back for the children but I thought things had improved over the years since.
I've been stupid.

Ok well if the domestic load isn't the issue and it's the loneliness I would say a divorce may make things worse before better.

I would say your first step is to build up your social circle, more friends and hobbies will help with the loneliness, which will better position you for a divorce if that's what you choose to do.

May I ask to what extent your nerve damage impacts your life? Would it stop you going out and meeting people?

I've built up a sort-of social life (gym, PTA) but nothing in the evenings cos he either wants them in bed by 8 and then shuts his bedroom door or office door.
I've got a form of RSI in my elbows, so can't use a keyboard 5 days a week, 7 hours a day.
Only 2 hrs max then need 12 hour break if not 24.

I'm going to ask my parents to have my youngest overnight when I do my (booked) training courses on Sat& Sundays.

Husband told me that this is busy time for him till Xmas (in April he said till July, then end August and now Xmas - he's not having a baby!!) And that he needs my support.
I told him he'll always be busy.
And asked him where was his support for me when I begged him to come for 12 week scan following previous miscarriage and he said he couldn't- he arranges his own working time.
He was desperate for baby no 2 - who is now 10 and hates his father's job for making him work at weekends and on holiday - 8 hours a day.

It's great you have started to build a social life, ideally you could expand on that to help with the loneliness.

It is possible DH believes (maybe blissfully ignorantly so) that his 100k salary delivers the best life for DC. It really is a shame because no doubt DS would prefer his dad to more expensive x-mas gifts.

It's a sad fact that to earn 100k, you cannot generally have a family life. My partner has stressed she doesn't want me to earn lots of money if it means she won't see me.

I would bide my time for up to two years (until your oldest child has finished exams). I would keep life as smooth as possible during that time and all the while I would use that time also to retrain and plan for life after your leave.

Politely have no time for doing all the household tasks. Leave some things for your spouse. Have him pick up children, cook, collect washing off the line etc. Ask and retreat to your life.

Why don't you just do your life and leave your youngest child there for your spouse to look after? Surely he would make dinner etc for him and start to learn skills which he will need when he has his child after the separation.

Placemarking

You are married to an addict, and it's imposible to be happy living with an addict.

He's addicted to work. Work will always come first. It's more important than you, his children, his wider family, friends, even his own health. Work is his god.

And worse, he thinks that you should give up being a person in your won right, and exist to be his support person. Doing everything else in his life for him, picking up the slack, doing 100% of the parenting, 100% of the housework, 100% of the life admin, 100% of everything else. And he doesn't think you should EVER ask for support from him. He won't give it if you do. Because, to him, no support you need is more important than the god of Work.

You have had health problems that have been a barrier to working. You've had to do all the parenting and life management, which has been a barrier to working. He seems to think the childcare bill is all yours if you work (absolutely no logic in that at all).

So, while he's immersed himself in work, your earning potential (and pension potential) has diminshed, meaning you're financially disadvantaged by his decision to make earning money his one aim in life.

Then there's financial abuse - you've made HUGE sacrifices so he can work, yet you don't see the beenfit of the money earned. He no doubt thinks it's his money because he 'earned it' (forgetting that he couldn't earn it if you weren't there enabling his life).

You definitely need to leave him. For your own sake but moreso your children, who are being impacted by having a disinterested dad who they have to live with but without him being present. They may go on to meet someone like him and think that's normal and so end up marrying them, or they may turn into him. Either way, it's not healthy. And there's time to change that outcome. And for you = your life will be so much easier, and happier, and calmer, away from him.

I'd suggest going to see a solicitor. Don't tell your DH you're doing it. You can keep this to yourself until you're competely ready to tell him, and only do that when you've got a clear plan and gathered together as much information as you can. See where you will stand legally and financially. You will feel better with every step you take. When I left my ex, I spoke to a solicitor then just sat with the inforamtion for a few months. One day I knew it was time to tell him, and in the meantime I'd had time to work through scenarios and to have a clear plan in mind.

You can do this.

Thank you perfect.
You seemed to have lived my life!

It hurts a lot, knowing our marriage has been an illusion.
But I have to process the feelings and start building my life going forward.
I'm so tired.
It'll be a gradual evolution- I'm sick of being upset and lonely.