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Original poster

Relocation 1hr away from child's dad

43 replies

OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:17

I need an advice on relocation from my son's dad. We split and he moved out to his parents. My son is 3yo, at the moment he comes every weekend and one day a week and he stays overnight, like 4 nights a week, living in my son's room. I'm getting a bit fed up with the situation tbh. But every time I say something he threatens me with solicitors, calling me selfish and horrible. I am looking for a shared ownership property to buy 1hr away from our current place. If I find something in next few months I will move out. I can expect my ex to be very difficult. What worst can happen ? Can he take me to court? Can court force me to comeback , sell the property etc ? I am happy for my ex to have a contact with our child, he can drive as well. I just want to move on with my life and he is making it difficult for me. Can he stop me from applying for a school near new place ?

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 16/10/2023 19:22

What about what your child wants or is good for them? It sounds like your ex is a very active part of your sons life, so how will he cope without the regular interaction?

It's not easy

cpphelp · 16/10/2023 19:23

I agree with @baileys6904

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:31

baileys6904 · 16/10/2023 19:22

What about what your child wants or is good for them? It sounds like your ex is a very active part of your sons life, so how will he cope without the regular interaction?

It's not easy

Are you kidding?! Wtf?! He is staying in op’s house over night every week. What happens when she gets a new partner? Marries? He can get his own place and stop relying on women to house his sorry ass and facilitate him being a parent.

ffs. The standards for fathers are so incredibly low on here every single day

Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:32

My ex doesn't do too much with our son, I take him everywhere , weekends he spends with me , all activities are with me. I am a primary carer. My ex is just there after work sometimes sitting and watching tv. I will never block his contact with our son, I will always be accommodating and make sure he gets his days of with his child, his holidays etc the area we would move to has better opportunities , like schools, activities for kids etc and house will secure my son's future. We are renting at the moment. It's 40miles away from my ex's parents.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 19:34

4 nights a week? Good lord woman, he's effectively still living in your house! Utterly unreasonable, and I suspect abusive.

Seas164 · 16/10/2023 19:35

You don't need to continue allowing your ex to stay overnight at your home four nights a week, or any nights a week. You are entitled to buy a house one hour away from your ex's parents house.

He can take you to court to get a child arrangement order, however that won't involve forcing you to move house.

However, take into consideration that your child will be travelling the distance between where you and he lives, should you decide your ex is not welcome to stay over for his visits and he is picking him up and taking him to his own home or his parents, which would be reasonable.

Do some reading around Child Arrangment Orders and find out what is and is not likely should that become necessary because you can't agree. Either way, your ex isn't entitled to four overnight stays in your home every week, especially if he isn't respectful towards you when he's there.

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:36

This is ridiculous. It is very controlling too. Do you go out when he is there? Could you? Would you want to?

op, tell him this stops as it is ridiculous. He can take your child to his mother's on his days. He doesnt get to come in and lounge around in your home.

buy the house if it looks a good investment.

Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:38

When I say to him it's not fair on me, he spends 1hr with his son after work and then my son goes to bed, the rest of the evening he is with me. So it's not really spending time with a child. It's not my fault he works weekends. His parents are only 20mins away so I said he could go back to them for the rest of the night. He refuses and threatens with solicitors. I'm just worried if I agree on solicitor I won't be able to move out and buy a house. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 16/10/2023 19:40

In your shoes I would go ahead with your plans.

I would not bother telling him
until the day you actually move.

If there are good reasons in the interests of your son then I cannot see the judge forcing you to return - infact I’ve never heard of such a situation.

At worst you might be required to meet halfway for pick ups and drop offs or possibly all the way but if he has a car and the finances then I’m
not sure if you’d be forced to do it all.

You can’t reason with stupid people and he sounds like he has you right where he wants you.

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:40

He is controlling you. It ends now.

tell him he can take the child out on his days but he isnt coming into your home again.

WhamBamThankU · 16/10/2023 19:43

A judge can order your child to move back and be placed with your ex, but can't order you to move back. Or you might be court ordered to do all travelling for handovers. These are worst case scenario's obviously, but still possible. If he gets wind of it he could also get a Prohibited Steps Order which would prevent you moving with your son.

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:43

Actually because you are describing a controlling man, move first and soon. Tell him nothing beforehand. Email him to say he is free to have him every other weekend and half the holidays. Communicate always by email.

Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:44

I will have a look at the child arrangement order , I do want my son to live with me and just have a contact with his dad , half holidays etc but not him staying in my place so often or having child 50 50 as it would be too long distance to drive to school and back.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:46

OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:44

I will have a look at the child arrangement order , I do want my son to live with me and just have a contact with his dad , half holidays etc but not him staying in my place so often or having child 50 50 as it would be too long distance to drive to school and back.

Your ex staying in your home is not at all reasonable.

you can tell him that today. He doesnt stay over anymore. He doesnt come in anymore. He takes the child to his home. Email him.

Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:50

I think I need to just move out and deal with shit after

OP posts:
Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:51

I mean , this is scary ! I definitely don't want this to happen.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 16/10/2023 19:54

Why are you threatened by solicitors? It's the best outcome most likely with a dickhead ex. And he will be paying, let him go to court

Kate9423 · 16/10/2023 19:57

It's an hour.

If he genuinely cares about his son that much....it's an hour.

Move! Do what's best for you and your son. A court isn't going to make an order for you to move from a settled home etc, it would be different if you were moving abroad.

My stepson is 3hrs away from us, the time we spend with him is quality time where he is the focus.

Original poster
OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:57

I'm worried he will say I can't move too far from his parents and I will have to agree on that and I will never buy this house and live my life.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 16/10/2023 20:04

ConnieTucker · 16/10/2023 19:31

Are you kidding?! Wtf?! He is staying in op’s house over night every week. What happens when she gets a new partner? Marries? He can get his own place and stop relying on women to house his sorry ass and facilitate him being a parent.

ffs. The standards for fathers are so incredibly low on here every single day

Show quote history

Where did I say to enable to staying over at the house?

I said the child will be used to seeing his dad so much so it's not easy.

But no, I also don't think it should be a 'move and fuck him' thing. As shit as it is, and as shit as he may be, it's hard trying to work out what to do

Kate9423 · 16/10/2023 20:06

OliLama · 16/10/2023 19:57

I'm worried he will say I can't move too far from his parents and I will have to agree on that and I will never buy this house and live my life.

When did it become the norm for you to HAVE to comply with what he says? You're your own person with parental responsibility for your child.
He also I assume has responsibility, so if he wishes to be responsible he can drive an hour to see his son.

Your life doesn't have to be a constant compliance of what he tells you to do. Don't allow it to be a situation of you feeling like you have to persuade him to 'allow' you to do anything.

nibblessquibbles · 16/10/2023 20:11

You need to stop your ex staying over immediately. Tell him you are happy to involve solicitors. Absolutely no solicitor or judge would agree that the ex gets to stay with you for 4 nights a week!
As to moving, you need to balance the good less about the new place with the logistics of a kid that has to travel an hour between parents. It won't just be up to ex to drive, you will have to take your fair share of ferrying and bear in mind that means that things like weekend activities become less possible as your kid will likely be travelling to Dad's. Just think it through. It absolutely can work but requires effort.
Either way he doesn't get to stay with you now !

Tellytibby · 16/10/2023 20:17

Almost zero change the court will order that the child lives with the dad based on an hour of travel. It's not far at all. He doesn't even have his own home and will need to move out at some point. Is he going to live next door to his parents?

excelledyourself · 16/10/2023 20:24

End his sleepovers tonight. 100%

But I would think carefully about moving your child an hour away.

I'd want some time to see if the ex actually maintains the level of contact he has just now, when he has to facilitate it himself.

If he does, I wouldn't move my child an hour away. That prevents regular mid-week contact when your DC is in school. Two hours is too much travel for a wee one after school.

Obviously if your ex reduces contact because he's too lazy, then go ahead and make plans.

But I'd give him a chance to prove himself as an involved dad, and give your DC the chance of having two involved parents.

Sounds like you know how it will pan out, but you have to be able to look your child in the eye and say you didn't take them away from their father without good reason.

Seas164 · 16/10/2023 20:26

You're being controlled by him to an unreasonable extent.

He has no right whatsoever to enter your home. You can decide today that he's never coming through your door again. I think that if you're moving an hour down the road to solve his issue with overstepping boundaries and disrespecting you, you'd have to move further than that.

I'd actually contact Womens Aid and tell them what's going on here and get some decent advice, because there's more needed here than a house move to regain balance and some peace behind your own front door.