Relocation 1hr away from child's dad

[OliLama]

I need an advice on relocation from my son's dad. We split and he moved out to his parents. My son is 3yo, at the moment he comes every weekend and one day a week and he stays overnight, like 4 nights a week, living in my son's room. I'm getting a bit fed up with the situation tbh. But every time I say something he threatens me with solicitors, calling me selfish and horrible. I am looking for a shared ownership property to buy 1hr away from our current place. If I find something in next few months I will move out. I can expect my ex to be very difficult. What worst can happen ? Can he take me to court? Can court force me to comeback , sell the property etc ? I am happy for my ex to have a contact with our child, he can drive as well. I just want to move on with my life and he is making it difficult for me. Can he stop me from applying for a school near new place ?

Your ex staying over at yours is strange and you should tell him to stop it. Let him involve solicitors.

Unless he agrees to it, it would be out of order for you and your child to move 40 miles away from the child's father. You said there would be benefits moving to this new city, however the child's relationship with their father should be at the top of the list.

An hour's drive might not sound much, but depending on when he finishes work / drops them back, over a week that's many hours not having quality time with his child and could be a logistical nightmare.

Put yourself in your ex's shoes. How would you feel if he took your child 40 miles away to live.

The court will always have the child's best interests as a priority. If the arrangement will be at a detriment to your child's relationship with their father, they wont allow it.

OP you shouldn’t be scared of solicitors and courts, it’s actually often the best course of action.

In your position I would actually find a recommended family solicitor and go and have a meeting with them and find out exactly where you stand. Lots of people on here can offer advice and experiences but a solicitor is going to give you proper legal guidance.

Yes it’s a bit of an investment (few hundred £) but knowledge is power.

Just going ahead and moving an hour away could end up in your child travelling for 50% of his week. I’d really seek legal advice first

Hi @OliLama . There are 2 things going on here,the move away and your ex hanging out at your house.
is the house in your name only. Assuming so he has no right to be there. I would say starting tomorrow he can take your son out for contact,but not be in your house. If it is your house only he can threaten solicitors as much as he likes, but no court would require him to have him in your house like this.

the move is more difficult. If he applied for a prohibited steps order on the basis he has regular contact with the child and won’t be able to if you move he is likely to be successful and you won’t be able to move. However if you move first and get a significant of time in the new place it is less likely the court will ask you to move back. Would he apply to court do you think? If not, then less of a risk.

it is worth thinking about that you would need to do the travelling if you move, and whether it really is on the est interests of your son not to have as close a relationship with his dad, but I will leave you to ponder that. Finally,if your ex is on the birth certificate he has PR, so you might want to get a lives with order so he can’t keep your son when contact arrangements change.

You should end the sleepovers arrangement its frankly bizarre you're continuing this. He needs to sort his shit out and you need to stop facilitating him.

But, you are being unreasonable to move so far away from the man you made a child with if he doesn't agree.

Go to a solicitor first, understand your rights and what you can do. Does he have the finances to take this to court?

These are possible outcomes. It's common for the person that moves to be responsible for travel to move DC between parents. This could be a big time commitment for you. Your EX might be able to get a prohibited steps order as he sees DC regularly and could argue that the increased distance will negatively impact his time with DC.

If you're both on the tenancy then legally it's his house too and you can't just exclude him from it unless he's done something abusive enough for the police/court to agree that it's
necessary to keep him from living in the family home. Claiming he's abusive because he's staying in the family home isn't an argument that will get you anywhere legally.

An hour is a distance that can make it hard for a parent to see their child regularly on weekdays. While right now that might seem like a good idea it means you won't have the other parent nearby to do a share of pick ups and drop offs and.after school care. Which you might find limits your opportunities to work and socialise in the future.

I'm going to get an advice from solicitor this week. His parents have money, he hasn't and I don't so I would rather have mediation or solicitor agreement instead. But he is controlling and very vengeful so I can expect anything from him I'm going to get an advice . I've checked some court cases cost over 10k I definitely can't afford that if I'm buying a shared ownership house with min deposit. I spoke to a lawyer few months ago, it was like an 50£ advice , i paid for a call with family law solicitor, when we were already 'separating' and he said just move and then tell ex because you would be buying a security for your child and 1hr is nothing , people travel to work for 1 hr and also from where my ex works , train takes 30mins to this town i want to relocate to. But then I'm reading all these stories on net and people saying he might take me to court and I will have to give my son back to him, he Will block me applying for school etc I'm going to book a session with solicitor face to face.

I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds difficult.

When I broke up with my partner, the thought of staying over at her house just to see my child did not enter the equation. I moved out and rented a place very close, as we were both clear on maintaining a 50/50 contact with our daughter.

If he wants to maintain contact with the child he should also understand that doing so in the current manner is not appropriate for you, as it prevents you from doing your own things and also doesn't allow him to show that he can be a parent by himself. It's also potentially unhealthy for the child, as they might not understand that you are both separated if he is over 4 nights a week. I know my daughter misses my presence but, although she is young, she seems to understand that Mummy and Daddy live in separate houses.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to communicate with him and keep records of the conversations. A reasonable approach is always preferable when children are involved.

1hr is nothing , people travel to work for 1 hr and also from where my ex works , train takes 30mins to this town i want to relocate to.

Fine for an adult, not a child.

What is the housing situation? Is he contributing financially?

As others say, end the overnights, put it in an email..along the lines of "you want him to have contact with his son but overnights isn't someone you that can continue so you are happy to discuss days/times when contact is suitable. You hope that you can both agree this however you are prepared to attend mediation"

He can't take you to court without trying mediation first and a solicitor will tell him that. They would also tell him that you are not being unreasonable.

As he has PR (I assume he is on birth certificate) then you can't register your son at a school without the other parents agreement.

Take this one step at a time, end the overnights, start mediation and get agreement to a contact schedule that allows you to move away.

I'd change the locks tbh OP.
Then make plans to move.
You could always initiate court proceedings yourself OP. You don't have to wait for him.

2 things.
Stop him staying at yours. This is ridiculous

However move closer nearby. Rent if you have to. Don't move your child away from their dad and then spend months/years fighting in court only to be spending half your life on the road for pick ups and drop offs.

He is paying half for the nursery and giving some extra money for my son's food and his food for weekends when I cook dinners. Yes he has PR . Yes overnights are a massive issue for me as I really want to have time for myself and he is not my partner anymore to be making dinners for, he says if I can make dinner for his son I can make extra for him. I do want him to be a parent without me being involved on his days with his son because I do most of the stuff with my son and he just sits there happy he is present so his son sees him over weekends. Or he stays at home and i take my son to soft play or park etc Its really unhealthy. But on the other hand , I asked him many times in a past to move away to different town so we can buy a house but he always argued that he has to stay near his parents as they are getting old and he needs to help them as well, so more than 30mins drive is unacceptable. They are a big familly, his parents have 4 siblings each and cousins etc living around the corner. I am going to get an advice this week and see what my options are.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Next time ask him to leave and if he doesn't phone the police. This is controlling behaviour. Even if he gets a solicitor the courts will side with you. Keep any texts he sends you.

Hello my dear, I hear you.
Talk to a family law solicitor. Don’t try to save money on this matter, find someone and secure yourself. Give him a plan to see his kid. Him and the kid can go to his parents house, don’t let him stay with you. If he threatens you with ANYTHING , talk to police. He can not take your kid or make you move to anywhere that you don’t want to. But play clever, please!! Good luck!!

He hasn't even got a place to live that isn't his parents house. It sounds as if he lives 30mins from work, which is kind of equidistant from your new house and his parents. If he was an adult, he would probably choose to live, independently, near his work and only 30mins from DC and his parents. This is not a big deal in terms of travel, if he's cutting down his commute.

As he hasn't made any decisions on where to live independently, without you or mummy doing everything for him, you can decide first and he can work round that.

@OliLama - do talk to a solicitor.

I am fairly certain, from all my divorced friends cases - that you are totally within your rights to buy a property and move. 1hr commute won't be considered as prohibitive, even IF he goes to court.

What he is doing is what many men do. He is threatening you and trying to intimidate you to get an outcome that works for HIM.

And it's often hard women to push back.

So - don't try to negotiate with him. Buy your property, change the nursery. Move and inform him.
Your Ex needs to grow up and get his own place - and chose one in a location that works for him.

NO COURT would take the child that is in mother's 100% care and give him to a father that doesn't have his own place and doesn't have any record of taking care of said child on his own. Court won't think 1 hour travel is prohibitive.

So - call his bluff and do what is best for your child - which is getting settled in a house of your own, while he is still young. And settling in a new place before starting school.
And once you move - no more overnights by the father. It is not a normal practice and Ex needs to face the reality.

If Ex decides to go to court to make an official Child Arrangement order - for starters, it'll take a very long time. And then he'll be told to provide his own place where he can have his child overnight. Any solicitor would tell him that.

He isn't in charge of you.

We live rurally and my toddler and I travel over half an hour (longer in tourist season) each way to the nearest town almost daily for activities, shopping, playgroup etc. When he starts school he will do this everyday from P1 to when he leaves high school. Like I did. An hour isn’t really that far, even for a child.