I'm angry with the dating scene and the attitude of some men

[roses321]

So basically I'm just having a vent. I'm probably doing it because I've been single for 5 months after a broken engagement after I left an abusive relationship.
I'm 39, have no kids and feel like I'll be alone forever so it's my fear talking and I know that.

Plus sides are that my life is so much better in so many ways and I am doing all the things I wanted.
Minus - I miss my ex and I am just so angry that he had this extremely toxic patriarchal attitude that i'm seeing more and more of. It wasn't that I wasn't to blame in any way but he was horrible and abusive to me and I just don't understand why he had to be that way even though I know why (I've read Lundy Bancroft) I just don't understand WHY he couldn't change.

I've basically watched numerous reels on Instagram by men with this Andrew Tate-esque attitude/red pill attitude and frankly I find it terrifying. I saw elements of this in my ex, it seems like a lot of men are subscribing to this AWALT (all women are like that) mentality. I earn decent money and have a career and with this attitude rife I kinda think why the eff did I bother? What does it really get you when in fact you just end up seen as a shelved cat lady with something wrong with her. This is never who I wanted to be seen as.

Sometimes I find it really hard to get up and do the whole "yay go me" thing and exercise, eat well, work hard etc. I always wanted a family and it looks like it'll never happen.

I'm not ready for a relationship right now but I just needed to come on here and vent. There are so many angry men out there, and so many women who aren't helping because they're publicising how they can obtain chanel bags and trips away from men by acting in certain ways. Apparently those of us who can pay are own way are "masculine" and "undesirable". What the heck!?

Did the world just do some sort of about turn while I wasn't looking and I've just worked to get a career only to be told that it makes me basically worthless to men? Or am I listening to too much extremism and need to stay the heck off social media for a while. It upsets me to see all this stuff and see so many angry men and women commenting and fighting about it online - it makes me feel hopeless to ever meet anyone normal. I just feel kind of worthless.

On the plus side, I did buy a new car alone yesterday and haggled the dealer down all on my own which was a minor win for me... but I guess again that makes me effectively a man because someone should do that for me... but they won't now because i'm not 18 years old anymore.

It just kinda feels like a lot of these men want to get young girls who are naive to take advantage of them and they don't like older experienced women because we know the score so they want to crush our self esteem and make us feel like we're yesterdays news. I literally have experienced jealousy at earning more than my ex partner and the resentment that comes with it.... how are we supposed to actually win!?

Your ex was a twat

and i don’t recognise your description or based on myOLD experience

Or am I listening to too much extremism and need to stay the heck off social media for a while.

Yes. Do that. You will feel a lot better for it.

Don't forget, the algorithms feed us content based on what we spend time watching, not on what is good for us or what we agree with. If you keep watching the MRA shite, you'll be served more and more of it until you feel like you're in an echo chamber.

You're right.... thank you thank you thank you. Love the username - how i feel right now for sure!

Pp is so right about social media. It is a cesspool. You say you're not ready for a relationship and not feeling great about yourself. It might be quite healing for you to really step away from the online world and discover a couple of passions. I am not surprised you're finding it hard to invest in yourself if you are comparing yourself to a 19 year old supermodel.

I agree with @EvenMoreFuriousVexation - the social media algorithms are extremely insidious and will keep feeding you more of the same. I definitely haven’t seen the sort of things you mention, try staying off it or look for more uplifting content.

It’s a tricky dynamic when a woman out-earns her partner, not all men can accept it but narrowing down the dating pool to men who earn more is not viable either. Not all men are like your ex though!

Not all men are red pillers and mra's.

If you encounter ones who are or appear to be.... Next.

And for their "theories" ... They make no fkg sense when you step back from them. Or rather they make sense only if women want to put themselves in the most vulnerable, subservient and dangerous position in life.

They are mired in intense gender stereotypes that have never been accurate and are even less so now, now that women have more opportunities to get themselves; not severely restricted in opportunities and options like they often have been (and how they want them to be).

They are pathetic creatures.

You don't subscribe to/believe in fundamental religious beliefs & policies - I presume - so why subscribe to the equivalent in gender "ideology".

It's social media, that shits everywhere right now but not all of us follow or believe in it. What you find is a lot of those who do, were already that way inclined but that then gives the impression to others it's right so, more join. Also doesn't help there are accounts by women that are aligning themselves to those like Tate for exposure, I guess and loads of women are following it as well. Assuming younger generations.

Anyway, you're fine don't lose hope or think it's gone to shit entirely. All that you have achieved is positive and there will be others who see it that way too.

'Am I listening to too much extremism and need to stay the heck off social media for a while' - definitely this. Tate is a criminal and a pimp. If you actually met him you would get up and leave, don't let him sit down in your head.

You know that you're angry with your ex, I don't blame you but it's not going to help you meet people and enjoy life.

I would invest in some therapy. It's genuinely changed things hugely for me. I look back now at some of my previous decisions and they were crazy. You need to process that anger, find a way to forgive (not excuse or minimise but forgive) and move on with an open heart.

OP, men with that sort of attitude seem to be the loudest voice on social media so best just not to go there. And yes, some men have a vile attitude to women.

My last relationship ended when he told me I needed to 'get rid' of my 9yo ds at least half the time or he would end the relationship.

I obviously said 'oh, well I can't do that so I guess it's over then.' I don't give in to emotional blackmail ever or such nastiness towards a child, but he thought he had the right. Then he was outraged and furious when I basically shrugged & walked away. Called me frigid, emotionally crippled, incapable of love etc etc.

In the end all you can do is approach life in a positive happy manner, choose your relationships with care and stick to your red lines.

Don't give up, you still have time xx

OP there are lots of decent people out there but they are too busy to be online commenting and fighting. Majority of people focus on their real life, on their careers, families and goals. What you see online is not accurate representation because bored people with extremist views are the loudest and are more likely to spend lots of time on social media, you tube etc.
I would stay away from Internet for a while and redirect your energy into things that bring you joy and purpose.

Also beyond trying to be a decent person and respecting reasonable societal rules there is really no point in worrying too much about what people think. Literally no matter what you do you will be criticised and there will be people having strong opinions about you either way.

Nothing like that on my social media. I get poems, dogs and wildlife updates.
Try resetting the algorithms as much as possible, see if that helps

What went wrong with blokes and when? And why? I can't pinpoint it.

I watched the Yorkshire ripper drama and one of the senior officers gives a female uniformed sergeant some typing and tells her to do it like a good girl. The actress is 44 years old. But that was 45 years ago I really thought things had changed but it seems not.

Only a few years ago I felt equal and safe. Now I don't.

Agree with above - clear history, cookies etc and stay away from that nonsense - it’s just poison. And FWIW you are winning. You have the freedom to enjoy life, resources to buy things and security without relying on anyone. That’s winning on almost every level. A decent man will admire that and see a partner - not a possession.

But you didn't marry him. That's a good on you. If you want a family make 1.

I only follow personal trainers (that I know) and gyms, with the exception of Steven Bartlett, some England rugby and football players and a couple of pilots on social media. So my social media is all fitness and planes.

Stop watching these sexist men and the algorithms will change.

Can you do it on your own op? I know it’s daunting but I’ve literally been a single mum for the entirety of my dcs lives just because my exH couldn’t handle family life.
if you have the means financially you could then have your family. Do you have any other support parents family nearby?

"On the plus side, I did buy a new car alone yesterday and haggled the dealer down all on my own which was a minor win for me... but I guess again that makes me effectively a man because someone should do that for me... but they won't now because i'm not 18 years old anymore."

What the fuch have I just read??

I think it's not the male attitudes that are the problem, it's your own internalised misogyny speaking here OP. How on earth does standing on your own two feet and haggling for the price of a car make you "effectively a man"? Why do you think anyone else than yourself should do that for you?

Men like the ones you described will be attracted to that attitude of yours like a magnet.

Called me frigid, emotionally crippled, incapable of love etc etc.

Prioritising your son and not pushing him into 50-50 that was perhaps not being offered and very likely not in his best interests .... Means you are exact the opposite of what he called you; capable of love and not emotionally crippled.

Or is not love for your child that counts, only love for him ... Presumably he sees himself as the centre of the universe and more important than anyone else ..... a "man" who would expect a parent to see less of their child, and push their child away towards the other parent (whom I presume, if they were any good, would already have been spending 50-50 or near it, with them in the first place).

Frigid .... I can't say my partner wanting me to get child out of the picture half the time for his convenience would inspire me to feel super horny and lustful toward him.

He wants a woman without a child. He should go for women without kids. He's wasting his time and the woman's if she has a child. Still won't stop him from being a selfish, nasty, unreasonable, wanker though.

You are closer to being in a healthy happy relationship than you were when you were with your ex.

so you are in a better position now than when you were in a couple.

there are a lot of sexist twats out there, and many men who hold sexist views unconsciously. But there are good ones.

You obviously didn't read my message to be honest. MY internalised misogyny? My post is COMPLAINING about misogyny!! Read what I wrote.

To everyone else who commented: Thank you for bringing me back down to earth a bit. I'll take your advice and stay off it, I think that echo chamber is right and I've done a bit of an inventory of what I follow. Love coming here for some reality checks. xx

Do you have children op?

As it says in my original post. No.

It's a minefield out there OP. It sounds like you have a really successful career and are financially secure and settled, which is a big deal. It sounds to me like you would like to have children. Would you consider using donor sperm or something similar? Not having found the right person for you doesn't mean you can't have a family if that's what you want.

FWIW, I walked away from an engagement too, at the age of 28. I look back and kick myself for staying with him so long because he was so patently not right for me, and also had quite rigid views about how women 'should be'. I am now with with love of my life, and have started a family with him. I am really glad to have had children with my DH, but I always felt that I would have chosen to go it alone rather than have children with the wrong man. You don't have to look far for stories from women who have had children with men who are incapable of being the sort of father they should be, or (worse still) who use the children as a stick to beat the mother with.

I think it's up to you what you want. If your priority is having a child, and haven't already, would you consider a fertility check up and an initial consultation about your options? It sounds like you are in a good, secure financial situation and could give a child a happy and stable home.

Wishing you all the best.

Apologies

I can’t fathom having such a bleak view of men and outlook if you had a son.

or indeed a brother / father that you had grown up with and knew this behaviour to be utterly alien to

Where are you seeing all this stuff OP? Are you actively seeking it out or is it just popping up in your feed?

I'm a man and I think Andrew Tate and his I'll are bell ends, and I don't know any men personally who think otherwise. I'm sure they're out there, but it certainly isn't the majority of us.

It does sound like you've fallen down a bit of a rabbit hole, and now "the algorithm" thinks that's what your interested in, so keeps forcing more of it down your throat.