New relationship after partner dying

[Autumnshereagain]

My partner of 34yrs and father of my 2 children has just passed away .He had a range of co morbidities but his passing was still v unexpected and sudden at the age of 58 yrs.
We had slept in separate bedrooms for almost 20 yrs and had no intimacy.There were serious financial issues and unfortunately he was extremely dishonest , controlling and really deceptive. I separated our financial affairs, mainly so that the family small holding was secure and I've achieved this. I was the main wage earner and had funded our home and main outgoings.
Due to previous unsuccessful business dealings of his there are numerous unsecured debts and also debts to local businesses, I'm prioritizing the local debt and will pay this off although I'm sure I don't need to.I've just come of the phone to the undertaker who tells me the funeral bill is 6.5k which is another problem, possibly requiring a bank loan.
Prior to ex partners death , I had become reacquainted with an old boyfriend and he's unattached.
I'm deeply saddened by my ex partners death and really feel for the loss my children are experiencing but I'm now caught up in what appears to be an expected lengthy mourning period.Most people would have picked up that our relationship was non existent but it wasn't something I discussed with friends or family.
I really feel my life is dwindling away and have no idea when I can even be seen in public with my ex bf who I have a real love for.We live in an ultra rural community and my previous connection to the ex bf would be well known.
My children, the youngest of whom is 20 and at uni are well aware of the limitations of my relationship with their father and that I'd hope to be in a new relationship but are unaware of my meeting the old bf although I am preparing them for this.
My ex partner has no close relatives other than an elderly father who has had to go into a nursing home. I've made it clear to social workers that I cannot be responsible for him and won't be taking on his care should he be returned home. There are also financial liabilities with him and I'm extricating myself from any connections with them
Financial security for me is very important for my children and my ex bf is sensible with finances and extremely well off.I'm glimpsing real happiness and financial security for the first time in decades.I've had open and frank discussions with my ex bf about my expectations for a future relationship, from a financial and commitment perspective.
Apologies for the length of this and basically my story hopefully highlights how important it is to end a relationship rather than let things trail on for years.
I'd really appreciate some advice on how I manage a transition to a new relationship, my ex partner only died 2 months ago. I've a reasonably well paid and secure job but feel I've been bled dry for years.

The only people whose opinions I'd be concerned about would be my children. Only you can gauge how they feel, but if, as you say, they were already aware of issues, then you possibly have a starting to position to tell them you are in love with someone you know well and trust. And that you aren't getting any younger. You can tell them you feel sad about their dad, but as a family member rather than your loving life partner. They may want you to be discreet for a while - but you need to gauge if it's too soon for that talk with them.

Anyone else who is surprised by the speed, I think I'd say 'It seems fast but my relationship with ex was over a long time ago, however I couldn't leave him when he was unwell' etc . I wouldn't care about them if they had issues with it. Only you live your life so do it for yourself, not the village gossip.

I wish you the happiest loveliest life. It sounds like you really deserve it.

Life’s too short
Stop hiding and enjoy your new relationship, have an honest conversations with your children about your friend
People are much less interested in our lives than we imagine them to be

"but are unaware of my meeting the old bf although I am preparing them for this"
This is the crux of the matter.

If you spill all the beans to the kids now, they may feel you betrayed their Dad because their relationship with him did not share the context of the financial woes that you did.

You put a face on a relationship for 20 years to the outside world and somewhat to your kids as well.

They might see their Dad in a different light.

The four of them may also have differing views of the man he was.

Any kind of 'revelation' that he was dire with money and put your through hell may not go the way you might anticipate.

You'd need to respect their vision of their Dad.

I get that you are in a hurry to move on to the next chapter because from your perspective you have really earned another nice part in your life.

I agree with PP, have an honest discussion with your children and then do what you want to do with your life. I hope that the future holds happiness for you.

as per pp .
It doesn't sound like you are married so no joint debt as such.
I think I'd be saying to the creditors that there was no money to pay the debts and that you won't be paying either. Ref the funeral costs £6.5 is expensive if there is no cash to pay for it! What has happened to his 'estate' as if there is anything then it should be used to pay the debts before being distributed.

Thank you so much for your response. My children are sensible and are currently working through their father's horrendous debts with me.
They've the maturity to have reached a stage where they loved him and accepted his faults but the fecklessness of his finances has shocked them.My previous relationship with the ex bf had lasted 6+ yrs and I can't believe the respect and love he shows me in the short time we've been reunited. Looking back we should always have been together but my deceased partner love bombed and controlled me.

Tou don't need to label your new friendship, as long as your both honest. Make sure your children are aware that your building up a friendship with someone but you don't have to tell them he's your boyfriend or that your sleeping together (whenever these things happen ) no-one chooses when they meet/reacquainted with people. Good luck and sorry for your and loss

Life is far too short and I think it’s heartbreaking that you’ve been unhappy and pretty damn sad for so long, this is your life too. Please don’t hide your much deserved happiness, you deserve this and you deserve love. Incidentally, I sadly know 3 women who were widowed at the start of lockdown, 2 are in new relationships and one is anoint to remarry. They are part of a very large and diverse social group and genuinely everyone is really happy for them. I’m happy for you, life is so short. X

Beautiful responses from all of you, thank you so much.
To contextualize there had been numerous near death experiences with my deceased partner over the years and five intensive care stays over the last 10 yrs so it's been fraught although he made good recoveries between bouts of illness.
He left no estate whatsoever and had been declared bankrupt twice.On the first occasion I bought him out of our small farm and had to add 100k to my mortgage.
Unfortunately his death is a release for me to some extent and I'm slightly struggling with that.

If you live in a small community OP, behind closed doors people will probably mutter whether you're seen with your ex after two months or two years. For some people, a bereaved person moving on with their life is always doing so with undue haste, but since no one knew the reality of you and your former partner's relationship apart from your DC, those people don't know the whole story. It's really a case of 'those who matter won't mind, and those who might mind don't matter'.

Do what is right for you. It's your life and, as you know, life is short. Happiness is hard to find. Be true to yourself and honest with those around you. So if a friend challenges you and says 'Gosh @Autumnshereagain are you sure you want to move on so quickly, DP has only been dead for two months', I'd be honest and say 'Our relationship had been over for 20 years - we just still lived together - that's all'. Word will soon get round.

I can fully understand the release feeling. Someone who has been so ill, so regularly, you'll have gone though a preparation for losing him over and over. You'll have seen him in pain and struggling. All of this has now gone and an emotional release is to be expected.

It's tricky but you sound like you have a good handle on it.

It's very early days for the kids.

Like any child, they might it hard to accept anyone who takes their mother's attention away.

Depending on the children's ages or what life stages or of grief they are going through, there could be a sort of 'my Dad just died and now my mother has a boyfriend and she's really besotted with him and thinks the sun shines out of his arse, he can do no wrong in her eyes, nobody really cares about me anymore'.

So I'd proceed with caution and take a wide perspective of where every child is 'at' in their lives (recently moved to college etc,).

If your previous partner love-bombed and controlled you then there is a shift taking place in your own dynamics.

Knight on a white horse comes to save me because I was locked in the tower.

There will also be a shift in the dynamics between your ex BF and because now it's a reality that you two can share a life.

Proceed in that relationship with caution too.

You don't want to accidentally get locked in another tower.
Take your freedom of being alone for a while.

In case it's a fear of being alone that underpins the urgency to get certainty put on this new relationship.

Lots of conflicting emotions. It's hard. And it's ok to feel more than one thing at once. Have your thought of seeing a counsellor to try and help come to terms with it and put your mind at ease?

I agree that your DC's are the only other people you really need to worry about.

You're obviously very practically financially minded but one caution - and sorry I'm not sure where you are - are there rules which you have to follow in terms of the order in which debts are settled rather than it being your choice?

All the best, you deserve to put yourself and your happiness first.

I don't understand about the debts. If your finances were separate, why are you having to pay off the debts?

As for the rest of it, I think perhaps you could put the brakes on the new relationship a bit. You do need some time to recover from everything which has happened as do your children.
I'm not sure launching into something so full on is a great idea. You could date a bit, in private, and see how things go, but very cautiously.

Re his debts, I'm disregarding anything unsecured except for the like of local tradesmen who would have worked on our home and on his father's home and the undertaker. His father's home has been owned by my oldest daughter for the past 20 yrs as we couldn't leave it vulnerable to my expartner. There are a few bills which I had foolishly given him money to pay and he hadn't but I'm well past being surprised at anything like that
I'll consider counselling and may have to verbalize to friends/family how the relationship had broken down. Part of me thinks that was widely known but just not verbalized.

Hi @Autumnshereagain
Sorry you went through all this and for 20 years.

It's so lovely that you have found love. You deserve to be happy and to be loved. Enjoy your life to the fullest xx

@Autumnshereagain

Hi OP, I ended my marriage (21 year relationship) about a year ago and quite quickly afterwards reconnected with an old flame (a very innocent high school romance). It has been absolutely incredible - so much love dormant after all these years, and my new partner is the opposite of my very controlling and abusive ex. It has been like coming home to a warm fire after being outside in the snow.

Our relationship has necessarily been slow as it’s long distance which I think has been a good thing as we are like the besotted teenagers we were in the late 90s - if we lived closer I don’t know how I’d get anything else done 😂

I was very shy and self conscious about what people might think, whether people would think I had moved too fast or cheated (the latter really bothered me). I couldn’t have been more wrong - everyone has been absolutely delighted for me, even exH’a friends (particularly once they found out what a shit he really was behind closed doors).

I am so happy when a year ago I was so miserable. You will have a wonderful second life and your kids will get it. Be happy!

It's genuinely been like coming out of the darkness, if my partner hadn't died I know i'd have been going to the ex bf anyway.

Please be careful with ex boyfriend.
He might just be love bombing control ing you .
Give yourself time to grief for your life with husband. Get counselling.
Learn who you are ?
Before someone new to care for comes along

Isn’t it incredible @Autumnshereagain

Now DP and I met after 24 years because by some miraculous coincidence he messaged me on Linkedin a month before I was due to be at a conference in a European city he also had a work event on the same day. I can’t emphasise enough how unusual this trip was for me.

My marriage had been awful for a long time, ex H was very abusive and last year it was just horrible and I kept raising separation but being dismissed.

I met DP and he looked at me with such warmth and love and I realised ex H never looked at me like that. It was like a lightbulb moment. I thought, well we can never be together (we live about as far from each other as it’s possible to live 😂) but I deserve to have someone look at me like that, and I’d rather be alone than live another 50 years with someone who treats me with utter contempt and terrorises me emotionally and physically.

DP told me later he went to a cathedral after we met and lit a candle and said a prayer that somehow we might end up together 🥹

I ended my marriage almost as soon as I got home. Ex H responded by smashing up the house and draining our joint accounts. Which just confirmed to me that I was 100% making the right decision.

When DP found out I was single he sent me flowers and then a few months later we met up again in New York.

I can’t believe this is really my life 😂🥰 I am so so happy and I hope you are too.

I’ve also had extensive therapy this year which has been really good for me to understand why I tolerated ex‘s behaviour so long. I have zero concerns about DP, he is just the most amazing man. He was wonderful when we were 17 and he’s wonderful now (and even hotter 😂)

You grieved your relationship long enough. Don't pass up on a chance of happiness due to busybodies.

No need to tell your kids for a while.

Is there any reason to tell your children right now about your relationship? I wish you nothing but happiness, it seems you have been through a lot, but your children might feel betrayed and unfortunately other people will judge you.

Go for it, you lost enough time.

I don't think I would be borrowing 6.5k for his funeral. It would have to be a cheaper affair as mean as that makes me sound.

Who cares if other people judge you? They didn't have to live your life, and you don't have to justify anything to anyone, and that includes your children.