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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Recently separated, joint friends haven’t been in touch

50 replies

Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:28

Hi,
Is this normal?
Feeling pretty low. I guess people don’t know what to say, or genuinely do ‘pick a side’, perhaps they think divorce is catching, who knows.

I’m just sad that people I’ve known for 20 years aren’t even checking in or saying Hi.

Feeling sorry for myself, it’ll pass.

OP posts:
INTERNETEXPL0RER · 15/10/2023 21:30

Yes sadly it’s normal but that doesn’t mean you can’t be upset or disappointed. You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself .

Original poster
Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:35

Thank you @INTERNETEXPL0RER I wish it didn’t hurt quite as much that’s all.

OP posts:
tortiecat · 15/10/2023 21:37

I'm afraid I'm guilty of this myself - had been friends with both halves of a couple and felt incredibly disloyal contacting either of them, knowing it was an acrimonious split. I did get in touch eventually, and I was wrong not to do so before.
It is not personal, you should feel free to reach out to people. I'm sorry, as people should be better.

Senseofsomething · 15/10/2023 21:37

I would say normal. It just seems to be a thing that happens when you used to socialise as a couple and become single. Sad though. People often don’t want to take sides, feel uncomfortable talking about the end of a relationship and things just don’t work in the same ways as they did.

burntoutnurse · 15/10/2023 21:43

Completely normal. When I split with my ex husband my best friend from growing up had married his best friend. She blocked me. We still don't talk 9 years later! I lost all our joint friends sadly

NailsHairNipsHeels · 15/10/2023 21:43

Normal I'd say. People don't want to look like they're picking sides...so instead say nothing.

I can go one better, my own friends have offered zero support to me even family have feared minimal support.
I'm very much a get on with it kind of person but when EXDH bought me out the house he had to help me move as no one else offered.
Eye opening experience

Original poster
Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:43

@tortiecat that’s just it, right now, a ‘Hi’ would mean the world. I don’t want to talk about the split in any way, I just don’t want to feel like I have something contagious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:45

@NailsHairNipsHeels I’m similar, just getting on with it. I wonder if asking for help and reaching out (horrid phrase) ourselves is the way forward but it’s just not me.

I hope you’re out the other side now and doing well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:46

@burntoutnurse wow! What is actually wrong with people! That’s next level. I’m so sorry.

OP posts:
SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 15/10/2023 21:47

I can remember talking to my male cousin about this. He said he would just drop the women. That's what his mates did too.

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 15/10/2023 21:51

I was lucky though & didn't loose friends I was bothered about when I split with my ex. I probably would if I split with DH.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/10/2023 21:56

Sadly, normal.

And not just because people don't want to take sides.

Honestly, so many people DGAF. They aren't able to relate & just carry on with their lives. I was so alone when my marriage ended, 10 years ago. So few people, family included, ever asked how I was.

That's continued - I've had 10 years of ongoing abuse from ex, legal battles, now hopefully near the finish line. No one asks or wants to know. I've done it all alone. I'll never quite forgive some people; definitely won't forget.

NailsHairNipsHeels · 15/10/2023 22:10

@Patsaysit I am thanks. Almost a year since we split, I have a lovely house, feel happier in myself. I've even been on dates and just been enjoying myself.

I've realised I can only rely on myself and I'm actually ok with that.

denpark · 15/10/2023 22:23

Oh OP. It's horrible, isn't it. I've lost pretty much all my friends locally as I moved to be with my ex-DH. It's not at all nice.

Why don't you look at joining a local group for women? You could see this as a chance to start afresh. You don't need people in your life who don't contact you.

Duckingella · 15/10/2023 22:32

It's fabulously misogynistic isn't it?

The woman of the separated couple gets treated like a leper as the couples don't want to be tainted with your "failed relationship germs" and they feel sorry for the bloke as "oh no what will he do now" as people have been conditioned to think a bloke needs a woman to look after him.

This fb post by blogger Constance hall sums it up perfectly

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02xaaC3sr6mRjpRd88rGeUsEtG1kNQA7eeeZDP9rcGg5zZfBnJRzvUkr1txWN84eAVl&id=1019711431407015

burntoutnurse · 15/10/2023 22:50

@Patsaysit
Oh I'm much better off and in a much happier place now with a whole load of new friends 😁

Original poster
Patsaysit · 16/10/2023 05:05

@Duckingella Thank you for sharing that. Sums it up beautifully.

Ex hasn’t seen the children for 3 months, I’m doing EVERYTHING. He’s out and about having a wonderful time, he always struggled with family life and now doesn’t have to, and he’ll be receiving sympathy for it!

It’s a funny old world.

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 16/10/2023 05:23

Get in touch with some of them, suggest a night out or a coffee or something. Half time it’s just because they don’t know what to say. When I did this to my ex SIL she responded immediately apologising, and then said she’d felt awful for putting it off, and then felt it had been too long. Long story short - we are friendly again, and although not as close as we once were, we are able to catch up and have a chat when we feel like it,

Graciebobcat · 16/10/2023 05:37

Do they even know? I didn't know our friends had split until she messaged me about six months after it happened. To be fair my dad died about the same time and we were concerned with other things.

I felt sorry for her but her exDH was my DH's friend from way back and I wasn't close to her personally. And DH is crap at keeping in touch with his mates. It was different when my close female friends from way back went through divorce. I very much still saw them and carried on as normal.

decionsdecisions62 · 16/10/2023 06:09

I've just reconnected with some pre split friends 23 years later! Ex was manipulative and abusive and I left him and consequently had to leave them behind. Sad but it's been great to see them again.

Tellytibby · 16/10/2023 06:24

When my parents divorced they made a promise that they wouldn't talk negatively about each other to friends, and they discussed this with their friends too. I know this isn't always possible - my ex was abusive so couldn't have even approached him to begin this conversation. I'm lucky that they were able to move in the same friendship groups and I was able to keep mine as a result. Sorry you're going through this. You should reach out to your friends, they may not know what to say.

youveturnedupwelldone · 16/10/2023 06:39

Separating from along term partner will really shoe too I who your friends are. I remember one of my friends warning me about this when it happened to me.

Often the joint friends go one way or the other. Also women often find that their female friends cut them off - theory is this is in case you go after their husbands (!!)

User63847439572 · 16/10/2023 06:49

I’ve had this too. It’s very painful.
On the flip side some people have been amazing.
We attended a church together and the lack of contact from some people there who I had thought were really good friends has hurt a lot. Also really difficult that ex has behaved quite awfully and in an emotionally abusive way but that group are pretty much his only friends - so don’t want to change the way they seem him, and find it hard to articulate anyway how hard it is.

Cliche but true that at times like this you really do find out who your friends are

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/10/2023 06:59

People show what they think of you when they’re like that.

DH and I used to socialise with 5 other couples. He works away a lot so most of the socialising was just me or me and the children with them and theirs. Many years ago we split up briefly. The period covered a large annual bbq event held for all the kids. We’d been involved for 10 years, but DH was always away as it covered a very specific work date. The kids and I were uninvited as it was a “family event”. I didn’t hear from any of the women except to uninvite us to the bbq. We were even cut out of a lift share for an activity the kids did.
DH and I got back together and I got a text two days later from the organiser saying “oh yeah, so happy! You can come again next year now!!” Needless to say I stuck with the friends I made during the split rather than the ones who dropped me because I was a single woman they didn’t want around their husbands.

Mondaymanic · 16/10/2023 07:13

Unfortunately it's common enough. Happened to me and I found it more upsetting than the actual breakup where my fiance had dumped me.

Some friends were amazing and stayed friends with both of us separately... Some people who I didn't expect reached out to check I was ok which I really appreciated and will never forget. Some some who I was really close with completely ditched me... It stung like hell tbh and whilst years later I no longer care... I do think you w***s lol

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