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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Recently separated, joint friends haven’t been in touch

50 replies

Patsaysit · 15/10/2023 21:28

Hi,
Is this normal?
Feeling pretty low. I guess people don’t know what to say, or genuinely do ‘pick a side’, perhaps they think divorce is catching, who knows.

I’m just sad that people I’ve known for 20 years aren’t even checking in or saying Hi.

Feeling sorry for myself, it’ll pass.

OP posts:
Patsaysit · 16/10/2023 07:14

@YetMoreNewBeginnings very similar group events here too. Christmas and New Year will be interesting/lonely.

I’ve been a good, supportive friend and although I don’t expect anyone to necessarily take my side, I guess I’d hoped people would understand that there are always 2 sides and say Hello if nothing else.

I’m sorry you went through that. It must have been very hurtful. Glad you made new friends too!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 16/10/2023 07:19

My mother found similar but it wasn't immediate.

She believed that maybe some of them felt it exposed cracks in their own marriages and so divorce felt contagious.

I think, in her case, she spoke about it and how wrong my dad was all the time. I think people just developed compassion fatigue tbh. Not suggesting that you're doing that but I think people.are so busy and have their own shit to deal with nowadays that they avoid asking if they feel they can't take someone else's shit on top of their own.

Also, when people have a lot of friends, I do tend to think a significant number of those will be fairweather friends and this will be the first big test of the friendship so you won't have realised until now.

I also think that some people will assume you're just getting on with it and will be available to you if you contact them but don't want to he seen as intruding or nosy. Maybe contact a couple of them?

CrapBucket · 16/10/2023 07:22

Some people don’t know what to say or do for the best, so their default answer is to do nothing and see what happens. Everyone is dealing with their own problems too.

Just message them explaining that if they haven’t already heard, you and X have split up. You’ve been quiet getting the kids settled and helping them adjust but would love to catch up before too long. And reassure them you won’t be putting any mutual friends in an awkward position or moaning about your ex to them, just it would be lovely to hear how they are getting on.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2023 07:25

Ex hasn’t seen the children for 3 months, I’m doing EVERYTHING. He’s out and about having a wonderful time, he always struggled with family life and now doesn’t have to, and he’ll be receiving sympathy for it

Yup. The amount of people who had my ex around for dinner, cooked for him etc. he had a lovely initial few months in particular, he'd spend whole weekends with his good friend & his family, meanwhile not bothering with his own actual children.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2023 07:30

CrapBucket · 16/10/2023 07:22

Some people don’t know what to say or do for the best, so their default answer is to do nothing and see what happens. Everyone is dealing with their own problems too.

Just message them explaining that if they haven’t already heard, you and X have split up. You’ve been quiet getting the kids settled and helping them adjust but would love to catch up before too long. And reassure them you won’t be putting any mutual friends in an awkward position or moaning about your ex to them, just it would be lovely to hear how they are getting on.

That's such a crap excuse.

It takes no effort to message a friend and let them know you are thinking of them, how are they ... or arrange to meet & let them take the lead about discussing or not.

Saying people have stuff going on is true. But also an excuse. I am in the throes of a really difficult divorce after 10 years trying to get here, with an abusive ex who has made all our lives hell. I still find time to check in on others & what they have going on, and I have absolutely nobody who does that for me. Someone said once that it seems like I have everything sorted implying they didn't need to, and I felt that was an even more annoying excuse.

You can always check in on people, if you care.

SavBlancTonight · 16/10/2023 07:43

I am sorry you are experiencing this OP. Dh is struggling a bit as his BFF of some 30+ years is currently splitting from his wife. While dh considered the h his friend obviously over 30 years, he has also been friends with the wife, especially in the years before he met me.

Unfortunately she had an affair and his BFF is absolutely devastated. Dh has felt he has to remain focused on his friend. He did send one brief message to her.

I have found it tricky too as while I like both of them, I have never properly bonded with her. So I don't feel I should be reaching out to her but I feel a bit bad. Dh and j both hope she has friends who are "her" friends who are standing by her right now because we just can't.

Bowbobobo · 16/10/2023 08:10

Are you sure they know? XH and I were crap at telling people so if it’s recent they may not know. If they do, it may be worth dropping a message to each one, just letting them know you’re ok and up for a coffee some time. Be prepared for rejection by a fair number. As PP said, most people DGAF and the only person you can 100% rely on is yourself. Find new friends who suit you as you, not as part of a couple.

ThriceThriceThice · 16/10/2023 08:28

Wow - these posts are brutal.
Thankfully none of my female friends deserted me when I split with ex-DH - many of them had been hoping I’d do it for ages - I’m really grateful to them.
However, I absolutely recognise not getting invited to dinner / events.

It seems some women (let’s be honest it’s the women that do the inviting/organising) only want to spend time with other couples. It’s almost as if having a solo woman at a dinner party would taint the whole evening - not sure if it’s necessarily a threat thing but it definitely exists - I don’t think it’s the same for single men.

CornishClott · 16/10/2023 08:56

People have busy lives and have their own shit to deal with but what's wrong with just sending a simple text just to say Hi how are you ? I think people do pick sides plus the story they hear first is the one that people tend to believe.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/10/2023 09:42

Patsaysit · 16/10/2023 07:14

@YetMoreNewBeginnings very similar group events here too. Christmas and New Year will be interesting/lonely.

I’ve been a good, supportive friend and although I don’t expect anyone to necessarily take my side, I guess I’d hoped people would understand that there are always 2 sides and say Hello if nothing else.

I’m sorry you went through that. It must have been very hurtful. Glad you made new friends too!

Definitely throw yourself into meeting new people.

And remember how people treated you. One of the main instigators of the “no single women in our family group” tried to befriend me again several years later. It was very random and out of the blue. Then I discovered her husband had met someone else and they were in the process of splitting up. So suddenly she needed the no single women rule to evaporate so I was useful again.

Also keep an eye on who is around for you in subtle ways. I had an acquaintance who checked in a couple of times who has become a very good friend.

GingerIsBest · 16/10/2023 10:29

Patsaysit · 16/10/2023 05:05

@Duckingella Thank you for sharing that. Sums it up beautifully.

Ex hasn’t seen the children for 3 months, I’m doing EVERYTHING. He’s out and about having a wonderful time, he always struggled with family life and now doesn’t have to, and he’ll be receiving sympathy for it!

It’s a funny old world.

This is mind-blowing to me. Who are these "friends" who can't see the obvious disconnect here? Because honestly, I think you're probably better off without them then.

I think it's not weird for friends to split according to who they are "more" friends with. Obviously tricky in situations where you've become friends together but even then, in our experience, there's still a dominant friendship.

But I do 100% know that if a couple friend of ours split up and the man wasn't seeing the kids, DH and I would have our eye brows raised so high, they'd be invisible.

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 16/10/2023 10:52

GingerIsBest · 16/10/2023 10:29

This is mind-blowing to me. Who are these "friends" who can't see the obvious disconnect here? Because honestly, I think you're probably better off without them then.

I think it's not weird for friends to split according to who they are "more" friends with. Obviously tricky in situations where you've become friends together but even then, in our experience, there's still a dominant friendship.

But I do 100% know that if a couple friend of ours split up and the man wasn't seeing the kids, DH and I would have our eye brows raised so high, they'd be invisible.

What if the man was telling you some sob story about how his ex refuses to let him see the kids, that she has abused him for years, she is demanding crazy money in child support and that she wants 80% of the matrimonial assets in the divorce ?

My ex has told our mutual friends all these things. You would think that common sense would step in as our kids are older teens and could easily see him if they wanted to. And it’s him that wants 80% not me. And child support is paid through CMS.

But some men are very good and plausible liars. That’s why gullible women like me marry them and have kids and by the time we find out they are lying cheating shits, we are trapped.

Lorzzz · 16/10/2023 10:53

CornishClott · 16/10/2023 08:56

People have busy lives and have their own shit to deal with but what's wrong with just sending a simple text just to say Hi how are you ? I think people do pick sides plus the story they hear first is the one that people tend to believe.

Yes this exactly!!! So so disappointed with my so called best friends when I split with exh. They’d been friends with me for 20 + years. We worked together so met every single day and also socialized together. Have met them a couple of times since my split (almost 2years ago) and they never even mentioned the separation to me!!!! I was gobsmacked but my ex got to them first and I do believe they are taking his side cause of his sob stories. I kept quiet and never bad mouthed him to anyone but he was treated a lot better than I was after the split, by mutual friends and I believe his tales of woe and pity stories making himself to be the saint in the relationship played a huge part in this.

SavBlancTonight · 16/10/2023 10:57

@INTERNETEXPL0RER You're right, there are a surprising number of people who believe this shit from men. But as you point out, that's pretty poor of them because quite often it's ridiculously easy to see how blatantly untrue these things are. So in that situation, sadly, OP (and you) probably are better off without them.

I can assure you however, that I'm very dubious when I hear men spouting this rubbish. And DH has challenged a few people in his friendship group over the years - like the one who had the whole gang all up in arms about how she was taking him to the cleaners, wanted the house that HE "had bought" etc... DH quietly asked in the group chat whether perhaps the fact that she'd given up not one, but TWO rewarding (and in one case, very lucrative) careers as he moved them round the world AND then he got fired for fraud as a result of being an addict might mean that actually, she did have the right to insist on a paid for, stable home for her and their DC.

But you're right, a lot of people don't see through this shit.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 16/10/2023 11:01

Happened to me 10 years ago and it still hurts that people I thought were my friends just dumped me.

Not sure if it's because they thought I was in the wrong or if it's because they feared their relationships might suddenly catch the "separation plague".

Some have tried to rekindle the friendship now, but I don't want it any more

bohemianmullet · 16/10/2023 11:12

Joint friends might feel awkward, not know if you want to see them right now yourself or might not realise you want to talk to them. I don't think you have much evidence that they are dropping you or anything. I wouldn't assume the worst or blame them. It might not occur to them to drop you a line saying hello like you say. If people aren't in the loop about how you're feeling they might be worried about making any kind of assumptions, so it might be up to you to signal this and what you want a bit more. Maybe you need to give them permission in some way. Reaching out and saying hi, or asking to meet for a coffee or something isn't needy or weird. Just normal. Why not do that?

CrapBucket · 16/10/2023 11:30

EarringsandLipstick · 16/10/2023 07:30

That's such a crap excuse.

It takes no effort to message a friend and let them know you are thinking of them, how are they ... or arrange to meet & let them take the lead about discussing or not.

Saying people have stuff going on is true. But also an excuse. I am in the throes of a really difficult divorce after 10 years trying to get here, with an abusive ex who has made all our lives hell. I still find time to check in on others & what they have going on, and I have absolutely nobody who does that for me. Someone said once that it seems like I have everything sorted implying they didn't need to, and I felt that was an even more annoying excuse.

You can always check in on people, if you care.

I’m not giving it as an excuse, it’s just how it was with me when I separated, and what worked. I didn’t get offended by anyone not contacting me. I just proactively contacted friends and took it from there. Everyone is different in how they communicate so no point reading into things.

(or as my teens would say, don’t deep it.)

MeMySonAnd1 · 16/10/2023 11:33

It is normal, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have sided with your husband, it might just mean they do not longer know how to behave around you now that you are “single” especially if many of those friendships were about spending time together as couples, they may simply try to avoid hurting you by playing “happy families/life is normal around here” in front of you.

One thing you may need to understand is how “mutual” those friends are, if they were the friends of your ex when you met them, they are still his friends, much as those you introduced your ex to are yours…Unless you or he have done something very very significative (good or bad) to make people change sides.

This may be healthy in the long run, it avoids all that hurtful gossip going in both directions. Most of our mutual friends were actually mine, they only had contact with exH through me (like going out as couples) so contact with him stopped altogether as soon as he was not coming with me.

The ones who stayed in touch with both of us turned out to become a nightmare, someway they couldn’t understand that talking to him about me or about him to me during the nastiest parts of the divorce process was not only thoughtless but blooming costly: For example, my neighbour’s son got a new car and started parking it in front of my house, well intentioned other neighbour told him I was happy without him and had found someone else who was often at my house… so we spent an extra year in court (add another £10,000 in solicitor fees) with exH often sitting outside of my house in his car in the early hours and him trying to prove I was cohabiting with someone else so he could get a higher percentage of the assets.

Similarly, I didn’t enjoy friends coming to tell me how happy or unhappy he was, I didn’t care really and at some point I decided to cut contact with all the “real mutuals” as they couldn’t understand how the blooming gossip/just trying to help was making things far more difficult for my ex and I but also for our child.

123sunshine · 16/10/2023 12:03

Sadly people are fickle. When I split with my ex husband, our joint friends did try very hard to stay neutral. We ddi on a number of occasions be present at the same events and despite my own feelings I always tried really hard to be friendly to hi new partner for the sake of my children and for the friends trying hard to navigate their way through. The dynamics of friendships do however change, and I did miss out on thngs especialy if you socialise as couples and suddenly you're not part of a couple. It is incredibly lonely becomming single again . I remember night after night being sat alone on the sofa unable to go anywhere whilst the kids were in bed. It was tough. Also when they went to their dads at weekends and or holidays it was initally so very lonely, then I grew to enjoy and need my time alone! In your shoes with your "friends" you could just let things carry on (i.e. waiting for them to contact you) or send out a brief message just saying hi, its been such a long time since we've caught up to you fancy a coffee, glass of wine etc... people won't always check in as they don't know what to say and the longer they leave it the harder it is.
Also focus on new friendships and dating and keeping yourself busy.
Regretably though many friendships do fall by the wayside post split though.

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2023 12:08

People believe whoever gets to them first. So being noble rarely pays off.

Oblomov23 · 16/10/2023 13:19

Interesting. Sadly I think people are just getting lazier about friendships and more self-centred.

But, Are you friends with these people, primarily yourself, or are they 'couple friends'. Because realistically the friendship now can't continue if you are only 'couple friends'. Are you friends with the woman more, you were friends before?

PrinceHaz · 16/10/2023 13:29

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2023 12:08

People believe whoever gets to them first. So being noble rarely pays off.

I was thinking this. People are easily swayed. If he’s out and about, he’s likely painting you in a less favourable light to your joint friends.
I’d just have a really good think about which of these ‘friends’ you actually really like and respect and contact them to meet up. If they’re not keen, move on. It’s their loss.

Thetimeisnow12 · 16/10/2023 17:17

It’s so hard. I’m 6months in. I can’t quite comprehend how some people don’t message to check in

Charlingspont · 16/10/2023 17:23

It's incredibly difficult - if you spend time with one half, then the other is hurt and/or assumes you're 'on their side' and vice versa. So you end up either seeing neither of them, or just one. It's not always that people pick sides, it's that sometimes they feel almost forced to. Very difficult.

Livelifelaughter · 16/10/2023 17:40

I think people don't know how to react and or it makes them question their own relationship...
I would just suggest meeting one or two for a coffee. I also think people genuinely have no idea whatsoever how painful this is.

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