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Original poster

Is lying a big deal?

35 replies

Han831 · 15/10/2023 20:38

OK, so I'm really unsure if I am overreacting with this or not. A few years ago, I found out my husband had been lying about a lot of things, from credit card debt to where he was during the day. Once I started questioning things, more lies came out.

He hasn't cheated but I was really hurt by all the lies and making me feel like it was my fault. We worked hard on our relationship and I thought things had moved on. I find it hard to trust so I have had to keep that in check to not become paranoid that he is doing it again.

Then on Friday night, he lied about where he was. It wasnt a big lie, just that he was someone where else when actually he was at the pub. I confronted him but he just doesn't seem to understand why I am upset. Why lie? Particularly when he knows this is something that really impacts me and that we have spent a long time working through before.

He makes me feel like I am making it into a bigger issue than it is, but all I can think it that I wouldn't ever lie to him so why is he to me. This isn't normal behaviour right?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 15/10/2023 20:41

Well, no, it’s not normal. It’s not respectful and it is a sign of low moral character overall.

It is a very big deal, and is generally tip of the iceberg in terms of poor behaviour

Original poster
Han831 · 15/10/2023 20:42

What else usually is imvolved if it is the tip of the iceberg?

OP posts:
findingithardertoday · 15/10/2023 20:57

If someone is a compulsive liar, there can never be trust. You say they are all white lies over trivial things. It could be a trait he picked up from his own dad? Convenience lies, to make life easier in his mind. If you want to stay with him it has to stop though, or leave him for it. It must make you anxious and leave you questioning your own sanity. I am sure someone will be along soon to talk better than I can about gaslighting. If it's in that zone, it may well be better to end it before it escalates.

GrumpyOldCrone · 15/10/2023 21:04

In my experience, people who lie about small things also lie about big things. Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me.

BigFatLiar · 15/10/2023 21:18

Everybody lies.

Depends what they're lying about and why. Credit card debt - was he embarrassed/ashamed to own up to it. Being at the pub - did he think you'd be angry.
They're stupid lies where you're probably more upset with the lie than the action.
I'd try snd find out why he felt he needed to lie.

OzziePopPop · 15/10/2023 21:30

His initials aren’t JH are they? If so, I’m his ex, hi! They don’t change…. Only you can decide if it’s okay for you to be lied to and unable to trust a word he says. I couldn’t.

Gloriously · 15/10/2023 23:27

For what has he racked up the debt?

Could it be any of the following:

Gambling? Sex workers? Drugs? Affair?

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 15/10/2023 23:32

He knew you’d be upset he was at the pub or he wouldn’t have felt the need to lie about where he was..
But if you wouldn’t have been upset or it’s not that big of a deal then he said he was at the pub to save face when actually he was somewhere worse.. do you suspect cheating

MariaLuna · 15/10/2023 23:37

Yes.

Trust is the bottom line in relationships.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 23:46

in a relationship yes, unless your security services and have to keep secrets from your partner ect think the film true lies

FridayImInLove1 · 16/10/2023 00:23

Dealbreaker for me.

Can't trust a liar.

NancyMaloni · 16/10/2023 00:29

It’s a big deal, sorry you have to deal with it

BlastedPimples · 16/10/2023 00:32

It's a big deal.

It matters a lot.

Not least for your own sanity.

How can you even have a casual conversation with someone when you're having to wonder if any of what they're saying is real or not?

It would drive me crackers.

2jacqi · 16/10/2023 00:47

absolutely hate people lying!! always easy to find the truth!

Treesinmygarden · 16/10/2023 03:09

Sorry, massive red flag!! Check out what you are liable for!

Coyoacan · 16/10/2023 03:50

How can you even have a casual conversation with someone when you're having to wonder if any of what they're saying is real or not?

I broke off a friendship with someone who I really like because I found her unnecessary lies really disturbing. I could never cope with a liar in my family.

Original poster
Han831 · 16/10/2023 06:27

Thanks for all the replies.

It has made me second guess things all the time now and I think a part of me has switched off from the relationships since a few years ago. He makes me feel like it is my fault because he thinks I will be angry at him. He doesn't seem to understand that it's the lying I hate. I feel very hurt by it and like it has chipped away at my self esteem and made me doubt myself.
He is very good at being confident when he answers me and I douby myself even more.
I have a very demanding job and we have 2 young kids, but I feel like I need to question things he says to me in my own head.
I have asked him many times why he lies. He doesn't see it all as lying. The credit card debt was on stupid everyday things we could afford. I don't know why he did it.
The lies before were straight after our second child. He was at the pub when he told me he was at work. I felt so let down and disrespected when I was struggling at home with two kids.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 16/10/2023 06:42

My ex was a liar. Still is. He lied about so many things to me, big and small. Mostly to avoid the predictable consequences of me knowing the truth, though some seemed to be utterly pointless lies.

In his mind I was at fault for him lying because I would have been (quite reasonably) upset if he had been honest.
It didn’t seem to compute to h that the problem was his behaviour, not my reaction to his behaviour.

Unfortunately I have kids with him so I have to continue to deal with him. However I know all his tells now, and also know to double-check things he says so I generally know when he’s lying to me.

Don’t waste your life on a liar. They will screw with your head and feelings and then blame you for it.

Gloriously · 16/10/2023 07:23

Sounds exhausting, destabilising and draining to have to double check every word that comes out of his mouth.

This is unnecessarily taking up your finite headspace, time and energy that in a demanding job as a mother you need every ounce of.

Does he lie to other people - friends, colleagues, bosses or just you?

This is is totally disrespectful of you.

What was his upbringing like?

BlastedPimples · 16/10/2023 10:39

It is hurtful. And it is really not worth trying to figure liars out.

SamW98 · 16/10/2023 10:41

GrumpyOldCrone · 15/10/2023 21:04

In my experience, people who lie about small things also lie about big things. Dishonesty is a deal breaker for me.

Absolutely agree. I dated a liar who made excuses when caught out and it was always ‘it’s only a little white lie’

No such thing - a lie is a lie.

It’s my number one dealbreaker

DustyLee123 · 16/10/2023 10:44

My DH tells lies, nothing big, things to stop me getting annoyed. Although I’m doubly annoyed when I find out.
I asked him why, and he said that it’s because everyone lies. But they don’t, so that’s him making excuses to do it.

BigFatLiar · 16/10/2023 11:23

I asked him why, and he said that it’s because everyone lies. But they don’t, so that’s him making excuses to do it.

We went to babysit for one of our daughters last weekend. I love the gc but was feeling a bit bleu, when dd asked if I was OK with the babysitting I did say of course I was when really I felt no I just want to go to bed. So there was a lie on my part.
Most people lie about little things just to make life easier and spare people's feelings.

Gloriously · 16/10/2023 12:17

I asked him why, and he said that it’s because everyone lies. But they don’t, so that’s him making excuses to do it.

@DustyLee123 - that’s just another one of his lies.....

Gloriously · 16/10/2023 12:21

@BigFatLiar - your example is to benefit your DD - the OPs lying DH is to benefit himself - being deliberately deceptive to his DW around money / debt / whereabouts

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