Is lying a big deal?

[Han831]

OK, so I'm really unsure if I am overreacting with this or not. A few years ago, I found out my husband had been lying about a lot of things, from credit card debt to where he was during the day. Once I started questioning things, more lies came out.

He hasn't cheated but I was really hurt by all the lies and making me feel like it was my fault. We worked hard on our relationship and I thought things had moved on. I find it hard to trust so I have had to keep that in check to not become paranoid that he is doing it again.

Then on Friday night, he lied about where he was. It wasnt a big lie, just that he was someone where else when actually he was at the pub. I confronted him but he just doesn't seem to understand why I am upset. Why lie? Particularly when he knows this is something that really impacts me and that we have spent a long time working through before.

He makes me feel like I am making it into a bigger issue than it is, but all I can think it that I wouldn't ever lie to him so why is he to me. This isn't normal behaviour right?

I really really hate it. It's on a par with infidelity to me - I just have no respect for habitual liars. It's so so infantilising and disrespectful - it's basically them telling you any old shit to make so they don't have to face consequences of their behaviour or act like a grown up. It's not a loving action that occurs between equal partners.

That’s really not the same thing, that’s forcing yourself to do something you’d rather not in order to be helpful and not making your loved one feel bad about it.

Not everybody lies (beyond these kinds of minor kindnesses, that dress looks nice rather than that dress isn’t flattering etc, ie sparing people’s feelings and not being an arse). OP’s talking about lies about facts, consequential and inconsequential, but all wrong and pointless and generally indicative of someone having a problem with the truth. To me the inconsequential lies are almost the worst because there is just no reason for them so it starts to look like a pathology.

100%

I dated a habitual liar. When he got caught out he always made excuses about why he had to lie (usually my fault obviously)

Its a real character flaw for me and a massive red flag

He lies because lying is easier for him and gets him what he wants, without having to take into account your needs, wants or possible distress at the time of the event (eg going to the pub).

And then he makes it not a big deal, because to him of course it isn't, and your distress at being lied to is also not his problem, and in his mind "justifies" him lying in the first place.

He's a coward, basically. No nerve to say "No, I want to do something different" and have a mature adult discussion which takes both people's needs and wants into account.

I used to date one like this. Lied about anything and everything, constantly. Partly for ego, to big himself up, and partly because he was avoidant and didn't want to have to confront his selfishness.

He/it won't change. So you just need to ask yourself whether you're happy to accept a relationship where you can't trust him and where he doesn't consider your feelings to be as important as whatever he wants to do at any given time.

Deal breaker for me.

He's not a reliable partner, I would be thinking about my future with him.

Sounds like he doesn't even think he's lying when he is lying. I couldn't be with a person like that.

Thanks everyone. You are right that he is just doing it for himself and that it's totally disrespectful. It's really frustrating that he doesn't see the problem with it at all. He has apologised but I think this is just to get out of having a disagreement.

He's away at the moment so I am having time to think about our relationship.

The last time this happened, I'd just had a baby and so wasn't strong enough to leave. I did make him move out for a bit. This time I am in a much stronger place but the thought of tearing our family apart makes me feel awful. Like I'm being selfish and I should just put up with it.

No. Do not put up with it. You will suffer horribly.

My exH would lie to me about lots of little things. Gaslight me into saying he had already told me..etc etc. narcissistic behaviour that also affected other parts of our marriage.

Now we're divorced he'll still do it but thankfully I'm out of it now and therefore within reason can just let it go as it fundamentally doesn't affect me anymore I'm out of it.

Listen to your instincts. If you lie and weird small stuff it's likely you lie about big stinking big stuff.

(Recently found out he's seeing someone and likely it was going on whilst we were still married, I haven't even bothered to tell him I know. Let him live his lie it's not my lie anymore )