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Original poster

I'm so lost. Please can you help me (30F) plan to move on with or without my boyfriend (35M)

29 replies

Anawana · 15/10/2023 20:23

Hi all,

I'm in such tough spot. I need alternative perspectives please.

I (30F) grew up in Germany with an abusive family. I met my ex husband when I was 18 and moved to the UK when I was 22 after getting married. I have no family here.

Ex and I had a divorce 2 years ago, due to him coming out as gay. I lost all mutual friends too, so I only have few friends.

I met my boyfriend (35M) in January. He still lives in a house he bought with his ex. His house is on sale for over a year now and wouldn't sell unless they reduce the price and tap into negative equity, which the ex refuses to and my boyfriend doesn't want to lose money either or take her to court.

I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house myself but I'd need to move 5+ hours away. Neither of us will do a long distance so it will be the end for us. I love him more than I ever loved anyone.

Here's my dilemma. I do want to settle down and have kids. Having turned 30 this year, I want to get on with my life. I can't move on with my boyfriend as unless they reduce the price the house likely won't sell for another year (horrible house market as you'll be aware - the house only had 2 viewings after a buyer pulled out earlier in the year).

What would you do if you were me? Move somewhere else and buy a house? I have absolutely no family&friends. I feel completely lost, don't have a reason/purpose to even pick a city to move to. I don't want to do this alone either. We can get a better house together and support each other. So do I stick around and wait for the house to sell? We then can look to move in (rent first) together?

OP posts:
HowAmYa · 15/10/2023 20:29

I'd leave. Life is too short to be waiting about for a bf of onky 10 months' situation to improve.

StopStartStop · 15/10/2023 20:32

Move as soon as you can, cut ties with the current boyfriend/partner and start a new life in your own new home.

TakeMe2Insanity · 15/10/2023 20:36

Move. Get the fresh start and new adventures and people await. Don’t look back.

Moonshine5 · 15/10/2023 20:37

Go. He will find you later if he wants to. You can't have your life dictated by the sale of a house. Now is a good time of you don't have many times. I wish you so much good luck.

Moonshine5 · 15/10/2023 20:38

*now is a good time if you don't have many ties / friends here

CryptoFascist · 15/10/2023 20:44

Move. Don't let other people hold you back in life, you will only look back and regret it.

MsMcGonagall · 15/10/2023 20:56

You don't need to buy a house to have kids. You could move into his, or rent.

Is he actually divorced though, that is more of an issue.

I don't think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater, so if you love him and he is actually single, you can probably find a way.

But even so I would also concentrate on finding some more friends/ people around you, as well as him, build up a support network and reduce your isolation.

(a friend of mine DID start a family with her boyfriend while he was separated but still actually not yet divorced from his exwife. and they were renting. They are now married (to each other) and their kids are grownup, and they own a house... So though I would never recommend getting involved with a still married man it obviously can work.)

Things don't have to happen in a set order (eg house / marriage / kids)

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:00

MsMcGonagall · 15/10/2023 20:56

You don't need to buy a house to have kids. You could move into his, or rent.

Is he actually divorced though, that is more of an issue.

I don't think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater, so if you love him and he is actually single, you can probably find a way.

But even so I would also concentrate on finding some more friends/ people around you, as well as him, build up a support network and reduce your isolation.

(a friend of mine DID start a family with her boyfriend while he was separated but still actually not yet divorced from his exwife. and they were renting. They are now married (to each other) and their kids are grownup, and they own a house... So though I would never recommend getting involved with a still married man it obviously can work.)

Things don't have to happen in a set order (eg house / marriage / kids)

@MsMcGonagall they were never married. I'm 100% sure he was single when we met and hasn't been involved with ex other than discussing the house on the odd occasion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:02

Thanks all so far. Majority seems to think I should move. That's what my rational mind says but my heart tells me to stick around. It's a tough decision.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 15/10/2023 21:04

Why would you have to move so far away?

He and his are crazy if they think that house is on at the right price, given they have only had a couple of views.

Do you live with your boyfriend at the moment or is he still in his old home?

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:06

OhComeOnFFS · 15/10/2023 21:04

Why would you have to move so far away?

He and his are crazy if they think that house is on at the right price, given they have only had a couple of views.

Do you live with your boyfriend at the moment or is he still in his old home?

@OhComeOnFFS Hi. We currently live near London. I rent my own place and he lives in the house on his own. I can't afford to buy a house here alone, too expensive. I don't want a flat either so I'll need to move up north.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 15/10/2023 21:10

Why can’t they rent the house out until
the market improves?

RainbowUtensils · 15/10/2023 21:13

Can you and boyfriend afford to buy her out at the price she wants by remortgaging, with you on the new mortgage? Would you want to live there?

Pockettopic · 15/10/2023 21:18

If he is the one can you live with him until it sells or rent his house out? You need to ensure he is on board with plans and not holding you back as the main aim is for you to buy a house. Does he want all the things you do in life?

Avatartar · 15/10/2023 21:23

I’d consider my finances and work first. Will your type of work allow you to move to where you are considering? If so move and DP can follow if he’s committed - join lots of clubs and force yourself to go out

Gloriously · 15/10/2023 21:29

Are you assuming that a boyfriend of 10 months stuck in a messy housing and financial situation is likely to immediately jump into another financial entanglement with someone he has been seeing 10 months?

Is he telling you he will do this?

I think he has had his fingers burnt and/or he is choosing to frustrate the sale as he gets a roof over his head for as long as possible.

Create your own financial security. Move on and create a home and build community.

Dont hang around.

I would invest a small part of your savings in professional therapy as you say that you has an abusive upbringing, an early and failed marriage, displacement to another country, loss of friends and now you are involved with someone else who may not be emotionally available.....heal that wound before you choose the father of your DCs.

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:30

TheCatterall · 15/10/2023 21:10

Why can’t they rent the house out until
the market improves?

Ex refused saying what if the tenants trash the house. He got scared also. I do understand how complicated it can get renting a house you're trying to sell but it would help us move on with our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:31

RainbowUtensils · 15/10/2023 21:13

Can you and boyfriend afford to buy her out at the price she wants by remortgaging, with you on the new mortgage? Would you want to live there?

I wouldn't want to lose my deposit in that house to be honest. It's not somewhere I'd like to live. She also bought through a scheme which complicates things so short answer is I can't even buy her out if I wanted to.

OP posts:
Gloriously · 15/10/2023 21:33

“....would help us move on with our lives.

It seems this is possibly not his priority.

Why did his relationship fail?

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:33

Pockettopic · 15/10/2023 21:18

If he is the one can you live with him until it sells or rent his house out? You need to ensure he is on board with plans and not holding you back as the main aim is for you to buy a house. Does he want all the things you do in life?

He says he does. I do believe him but there isn't much he can do either. Despite him hating the house, he offered me to move in but said it would make things awkward as he wouldn't in good conscious charge me rent.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 15/10/2023 21:34

If he really is ready to move on he would be making more of an effort to push her sell. You could be waiting years for him. Move somewhere new and start afresh.

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:35

Avatartar · 15/10/2023 21:23

I’d consider my finances and work first. Will your type of work allow you to move to where you are considering? If so move and DP can follow if he’s committed - join lots of clubs and force yourself to go out

Thanks. I'm 100% remote and mainly consider cities/big towns so hopefully plenty of job opportunities if it comes to that in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:36

Gloriously · 15/10/2023 21:29

Are you assuming that a boyfriend of 10 months stuck in a messy housing and financial situation is likely to immediately jump into another financial entanglement with someone he has been seeing 10 months?

Is he telling you he will do this?

I think he has had his fingers burnt and/or he is choosing to frustrate the sale as he gets a roof over his head for as long as possible.

Create your own financial security. Move on and create a home and build community.

Dont hang around.

I would invest a small part of your savings in professional therapy as you say that you has an abusive upbringing, an early and failed marriage, displacement to another country, loss of friends and now you are involved with someone else who may not be emotionally available.....heal that wound before you choose the father of your DCs.

There will be no financial entanglement. We will be renting together first.

I have been in therapy since my divorce, but thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:38

Gloriously · 15/10/2023 21:33

“....would help us move on with our lives.

It seems this is possibly not his priority.

Why did his relationship fail?

From what he told me (which checked out from what I heard later on from different parties with no possible agenda) that she prioritised other things above him such as friends and work and was barely home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:40

fruitbrewhaha · 15/10/2023 21:34

If he really is ready to move on he would be making more of an effort to push her sell. You could be waiting years for him. Move somewhere new and start afresh.

That's my biggest worry. If I thought someone was and I quote 'the love of my life', I'd make things tick along. I do understand it's hard for him too, but he acts a bit lenient.

OP posts: