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Original poster

I'm so lost. Please can you help me (30F) plan to move on with or without my boyfriend (35M)

29 replies

Anawana · 15/10/2023 20:23

Hi all,

I'm in such tough spot. I need alternative perspectives please.

I (30F) grew up in Germany with an abusive family. I met my ex husband when I was 18 and moved to the UK when I was 22 after getting married. I have no family here.

Ex and I had a divorce 2 years ago, due to him coming out as gay. I lost all mutual friends too, so I only have few friends.

I met my boyfriend (35M) in January. He still lives in a house he bought with his ex. His house is on sale for over a year now and wouldn't sell unless they reduce the price and tap into negative equity, which the ex refuses to and my boyfriend doesn't want to lose money either or take her to court.

I have enough deposit saved up to buy a house myself but I'd need to move 5+ hours away. Neither of us will do a long distance so it will be the end for us. I love him more than I ever loved anyone.

Here's my dilemma. I do want to settle down and have kids. Having turned 30 this year, I want to get on with my life. I can't move on with my boyfriend as unless they reduce the price the house likely won't sell for another year (horrible house market as you'll be aware - the house only had 2 viewings after a buyer pulled out earlier in the year).

What would you do if you were me? Move somewhere else and buy a house? I have absolutely no family&friends. I feel completely lost, don't have a reason/purpose to even pick a city to move to. I don't want to do this alone either. We can get a better house together and support each other. So do I stick around and wait for the house to sell? We then can look to move in (rent first) together?

OP posts:
Symphony830 · 15/10/2023 21:56

Move OP. You’re at a perfect age to relocate and set up a new life elsewhere. Several years to meet someone whose on the same page as you regarding children etc…

This BF has too much ongoing baggage. It may also simply be a case of bad-timing.

Imagine - a quite realistic scenario - that in a year’s time there is no movement in the house sale. Imagine another year on top of that with no sale. Again - quite realistic. All the while …. wasting your time. Stressing you out, ticking away at the biological clock.

Think about what’s good for your future because men always seem to prioritise what is best for them and it pains me to see this played out time and time again. Go on and relocate and buy your own place. You’ve been through a lot and you know you’re strong enough to do it.

The truth is men will move heaven and earth to be with the woman they love. One did that for me, but on the same note - others did not and I’d wished I’d known that sooner.

Basilton · 15/10/2023 22:22

Anawana · 15/10/2023 21:06

@OhComeOnFFS Hi. We currently live near London. I rent my own place and he lives in the house on his own. I can't afford to buy a house here alone, too expensive. I don't want a flat either so I'll need to move up north.

Show quote history

I think you should move forward with buying your own place if you can. But I still don’t understand why you need to move five hours away, that is an awfully long way in this country. I get that London is expensive, I have lived there myself and moved in order to be able to afford a house, but I managed to do this moving 45 minutes out of London, not five hours.

Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 22:27

Basilton · 15/10/2023 22:22

I think you should move forward with buying your own place if you can. But I still don’t understand why you need to move five hours away, that is an awfully long way in this country. I get that London is expensive, I have lived there myself and moved in order to be able to afford a house, but I managed to do this moving 45 minutes out of London, not five hours.

Show quote history

Because all things considered (my salary, lifestyle, preferences etc.) my options are Manchester, Newcastle, Leeds, Liverpool and Glasgow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anawana · 15/10/2023 22:27

Symphony830 · 15/10/2023 21:56

Move OP. You’re at a perfect age to relocate and set up a new life elsewhere. Several years to meet someone whose on the same page as you regarding children etc…

This BF has too much ongoing baggage. It may also simply be a case of bad-timing.

Imagine - a quite realistic scenario - that in a year’s time there is no movement in the house sale. Imagine another year on top of that with no sale. Again - quite realistic. All the while …. wasting your time. Stressing you out, ticking away at the biological clock.

Think about what’s good for your future because men always seem to prioritise what is best for them and it pains me to see this played out time and time again. Go on and relocate and buy your own place. You’ve been through a lot and you know you’re strong enough to do it.

The truth is men will move heaven and earth to be with the woman they love. One did that for me, but on the same note - others did not and I’d wished I’d known that sooner.

Thanks so much @Symphony830. It's really resonated with me. Thank you.

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