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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal

41 replies

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 17:41

I really need some advice is this normal in a relationship or an i just being ungreatful?
My partner works hard, has a well paying job and pays all the bills, pays for the children's clubs and tutoring lessons and pays for my car, insurance, petrol etc. I make a tiny bit of money online which I use to buy shopping.

We have 3 children 13, 8 and 1. We wasn't planning to have a 3rd and I have struggled as I have no family or friends to help. My partner does not want me to get a 'proper' job because he said it will distract from my 'duties' Which include taking care of children, talking them to clubs/appiontments, cooking, cleaning, diy, gardening( i refuse and he gets annoyed), washing clothes, decorating etc.

I do everything at home for him and the children. He has never once got up for a night feed and has probably only changed a nappy a few times ever! He will not watch the children if i go out and if i do he makes a big deal about it or asks me to put them to bed first. He clearly does not like caring for small children and i understand but thier our kids and they need to be taken care of. Recently I have been really unwell and so has the 1 year old we've both been up with a high fever which has been going on for a few days. I'm exhausted and ill but yet he won't help take care of the baby so I can sleep and still wants me to clean and cook.
I have just lost my temper and confronted him, he said he doesn't bother me with his responsibilities (work, bills) so I shouldn't bother him with mine. I have offered to get a job and I want to support him but if he doesn't talk to me how can I help? I don't know if it's because I feel so rough ATM or because his morals are wrong but I'm seriously considering leaving him. I worry that my children are going to grow up and think women are slaves

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 15/10/2023 17:43

He absolutely shit.

Alphyn · 15/10/2023 17:45

Are you married? If not, you really do need to get a proper job as you are financially vulnerable.

Original poster
BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 17:55

No he said he doesn't want to get married, but said that if we split up he would split the house with me.

OP posts:
Catoo · 15/10/2023 18:06

He sounds awful. Did you spend 14+ years with someone without protecting yourself financially?

Have you got your name on the house?
If not, I guarantee a man this controlling and cold will not split the house with you if you leave him.

Seek legal advice about your financial situation, get back into work, and start to make an exit plan.

I hope you feel better soon. Ask a friend to look after DC for half a day so you can get some rest maybe?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 15/10/2023 18:11

I have offered to get a job and I want to support him but if he doesn't talk to me how can I help?
Stop waiting for your liege to give you orders and go out and live your life the way you want to. Just go and get a job if you want one. He's not your manager, your dad, your boss, your lord and master, and you shouldn't be waiting for him to tell you what to do. It's not a good dynamic to sleepwalk into and he's not a good person to be dependent on because he's holding it over your head like he's doing you a favour when he really isn't.

Find your inner strength and stop letting him block you from living your life.

Original poster
BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 18:55

It definitely sounds like I have been really silly when you put it like that. I just felt like we were building a life together and I trust him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 19:01

When I have worked in the past it always causes arguments and he still expects me to do everything in the house and look after the kids. I think ive just took the easy road. The only way I could work if it was while he was at work and I came home and managed to catch up on house work and make sure dinner was ready when he came home. He said this is how relationships are and that women can do it all but men can't.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 15/10/2023 19:09

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 17:55

No he said he doesn't want to get married, but said that if we split up he would split the house with me.

I'd get that in writing.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Regardless of who's bringing in what, you're working more hours. I assume he gets holidays from work, days off etc. When is your day off for your 24 hour shifts? Do you ever get a week away from the kids and housework? No.

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 19:14

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 19:01

When I have worked in the past it always causes arguments and he still expects me to do everything in the house and look after the kids. I think ive just took the easy road. The only way I could work if it was while he was at work and I came home and managed to catch up on house work and make sure dinner was ready when he came home. He said this is how relationships are and that women can do it all but men can't.

Oh FFS! What a manipulative shit. This is not how relationships work at all. At least not since 1950!! Plenty of women work, plenty of men manage working and housework. He's got you exactly where he wants you. Financially dependent on him and at home doing all the childcare and cleaning up after his arse so he doesn't have to lift a finger. And he hasn't even committed to marrying but you trust him to do right by you if you split. Ask yourself why he doesn't just marry you then if he's going to give you half anyway?

Catsafterme · 15/10/2023 19:15

No he's talking bollocks, it's how he wants his relationships to be like it's not what all relationships are like. One, you should be able to get a job if you wanted to rather than being a skivvy and two, he could look after the children and do his share.

Not all relationships are like that and not all men are the same. I went self employed and worked from home and did everything with mine. That weird first poo, all the night feeds, nappies, milk through to solid foods, appointments and continued to do so. Although mine was kinda the reverse of your situation but still.

He doesn't want to do it because it's hard work, exhausting and maybe thinks it's not manly. He's a selfish idiot and he's taking the piss.

Allwelcone · 15/10/2023 20:18

Maybe couples therapy?

cestlavielife · 15/10/2023 20:24

Therapy for you alone to open your eyes.
You have no rights to anything.
Get a job and some funds in your name.
Right now your situation is precarious. And at some point he can just get another model and kick you out with nothing. Talk to womens aid. Get informed. Make a plan.

rantinglunatic · 15/10/2023 20:32

your husband appears to be living in the 1890s. DIVORCE!

Original poster
BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 20:43

I've asked him many times he just says no

OP posts:
Original poster
BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 20:47

I definitely have some thinking to do and I will have a look at my rights, I do believe he would give me half of the house but he has alot of money saved and has said already I wouldn't get any of it because its his, so I don't think he would be very bothered about spliting the house.
It's just hard because I do love him so much and he can be so sweet.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/10/2023 20:54

He can be so sweet?
In what way?
He treats you like his slave and you have no rights to any of his house or $$ when you split. (Or he kicks you out, or leaves you for someone else etc )
He is only sweet to keep you in your place, gives you crumbs which you eagerly lap up then treats you badly right? Look up the "cycle of abuse".
Whatever he says, you cannot trust him unless it is written and witnessed by a solicitor.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/10/2023 20:56

Ffs op, wake up! His savings are his. If the house is in his name it is also his (he doesn’t have to split it with you, regardless of what he says now). If you split, he can throw you out and you have no right to anything except some child support. You need to plan for your future - start by getting a job.

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 21:04

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 20:47

I definitely have some thinking to do and I will have a look at my rights, I do believe he would give me half of the house but he has alot of money saved and has said already I wouldn't get any of it because its his, so I don't think he would be very bothered about spliting the house.
It's just hard because I do love him so much and he can be so sweet.

That's great that he's been able to put savings away while you haven't been given the same opportunity to save money because he wants you at home as his slave. Can you not see how incredibly unfairly he's treating you? He is not a team player and he does not see you as his equal.

Is your name on the house or the mortgage? I'd seek legal advice before making any moves as you could end up with nothing.

Loubelle70 · 15/10/2023 21:04

OP, 100% he won't split the cost of the house if either left, that's just lip service to keep you sweet and so you carry on what you're doing, and so you think awww that's sweet. No it's not, its manipulative. It is naive of you to believe this man (no disrespect). Get a job please! Even if it means all your wage is covering childcare, you need to do this, he is not your keeper. I bet my bottom dollar he will kick off if you get a job, why does he want anything to change? He has a wife, cleaner, decorator, child bearer and rearer, sex supplier, chef, etc. Hes a complete tool OP. Never rely on a man financially...i did and it took me decades to get out....and i came out with CPTSD. get a job please for your self esteem xxx

Loubelle70 · 15/10/2023 21:08

Contd: and make an exit plan without telling him...save cash secretively...if you have joint account make sure you take half out just before you go. He owes you. You saved him tens of thousands doing all the cleaning, cooking etc. Do not stay please.

NancyPickford · 15/10/2023 21:17

Tell us in what way he is "sweet".

Do you honestly not see how wrong and unfair this set-up is?

GrumpyOldCrone · 15/10/2023 21:17

No, it’s not normal. Your partner is an absolute wanker.

For comparison, my parents got married in the 1960s. My father had a well paid job and my mother was a housewife. They had a joint account which my mother had full access to. My father shared the cooking and cleaning and childcare. There was no suggestion that my mother should do all the domestic chores. She was very much an equal partner.

In other words, my parents - who actually grew up in the 1950s - had a more equal relationship than your partner seems to expect. He’s a twat.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 15/10/2023 22:18

Oh, OP, you are in such a vulnerable position. If he tires of you, you will have nothing, and could find it difficult to support yourself. This isn't how healthy loving relationships work. You need an escape fund and start thinking about how you might get a job (I'm assuming you have been out of the workplace for quite sometime) even if you have to wait until youngest qualifies for free childcare.

PlugHoley · 15/10/2023 22:29

Is the house in joint names?
Don’t listen to any of his bullshit.
It either is or it isn’t.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 15/10/2023 22:54

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 19:01

When I have worked in the past it always causes arguments and he still expects me to do everything in the house and look after the kids. I think ive just took the easy road. The only way I could work if it was while he was at work and I came home and managed to catch up on house work and make sure dinner was ready when he came home. He said this is how relationships are and that women can do it all but men can't.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read.

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