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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal

41 replies

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 17:41

I really need some advice is this normal in a relationship or an i just being ungreatful?
My partner works hard, has a well paying job and pays all the bills, pays for the children's clubs and tutoring lessons and pays for my car, insurance, petrol etc. I make a tiny bit of money online which I use to buy shopping.

We have 3 children 13, 8 and 1. We wasn't planning to have a 3rd and I have struggled as I have no family or friends to help. My partner does not want me to get a 'proper' job because he said it will distract from my 'duties' Which include taking care of children, talking them to clubs/appiontments, cooking, cleaning, diy, gardening( i refuse and he gets annoyed), washing clothes, decorating etc.

I do everything at home for him and the children. He has never once got up for a night feed and has probably only changed a nappy a few times ever! He will not watch the children if i go out and if i do he makes a big deal about it or asks me to put them to bed first. He clearly does not like caring for small children and i understand but thier our kids and they need to be taken care of. Recently I have been really unwell and so has the 1 year old we've both been up with a high fever which has been going on for a few days. I'm exhausted and ill but yet he won't help take care of the baby so I can sleep and still wants me to clean and cook.
I have just lost my temper and confronted him, he said he doesn't bother me with his responsibilities (work, bills) so I shouldn't bother him with mine. I have offered to get a job and I want to support him but if he doesn't talk to me how can I help? I don't know if it's because I feel so rough ATM or because his morals are wrong but I'm seriously considering leaving him. I worry that my children are going to grow up and think women are slaves

OP posts:

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 15/10/2023 22:55

Allwelcone · 15/10/2023 20:18

Maybe couples therapy?

No. Don't have couples therapy if you're in an abusive relationship.

Original poster

BrumBoymum · 19/10/2023 07:29

Thank you for your message. I know it's wrong but It does work for us sometimes. I guess it's nice not having to worry about money or bills but it does come with a huge sacrafice to my security and sanity

OP posts:

Original poster

BrumBoymum · 19/10/2023 07:33

The house is in his name and we are not married, but I did give him money from my savings when we first moved in for the deposit.

OP posts:

PoloMintRoll · 19/10/2023 07:38

It sounds like you've given up your independence for this man. I've never been married because I've always worked and had a career. You are very vulnerable as you have no job and no marriage, you need to get a PT job or get married imo.

aboutbloodytime123 · 19/10/2023 07:53

This is awful, OP. I'm currently away on a work trip. DP is looking after the kids and the house and also working himself. He has never told me what he thinks my "duties" are and I would leave him if he tried!

Ahwhatthehell · 19/10/2023 08:46

Laurdo · 15/10/2023 19:09

I'd get that in writing.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. Regardless of who's bringing in what, you're working more hours. I assume he gets holidays from work, days off etc. When is your day off for your 24 hour shifts? Do you ever get a week away from the kids and housework? No.

Show quote history

Yep - get that in writing op.

Wow, he sounds like a joy to live with. Don’t teach your kids, male or female, that this is the way to live. You can feel that this is wrong. Go with your gut and get out with half a house.

BardRelic · 19/10/2023 08:53

We wasn't planning to have a 3rd

You might not have been but I'd put good money on the fact that he was. It's suspicious to me that just when the first two are old enough for you to have a bit of independence, you end up pregnant again and therefore tied to him, again.

The house is in his name and we are not married, but I did give him money from my savings when we first moved in for the deposit.

Do you have evidence of that? He won't split the house if you leave. No way. I think you need professional and legal help to extricate yourself. Your partner is an abusive arsehole.

Wittyname10 · 19/10/2023 09:01

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 19:01

When I have worked in the past it always causes arguments and he still expects me to do everything in the house and look after the kids. I think ive just took the easy road. The only way I could work if it was while he was at work and I came home and managed to catch up on house work and make sure dinner was ready when he came home. He said this is how relationships are and that women can do it all but men can't.

Jesus OP this is so grim, he’s had years to ready himself financially and given you no opportunity to do the same.

This is not how relationships work. They’re a partnership where opportunities should be afforded to both sides. If he goes to the gym 3 times a week then you should get the same chance. If he saves money without you working and being able to do the same then the savings should be split 50/50 or go in to a joint account. If you cook he cleans up. If you do all the DIY then he should do the garden.

Sorry you’re going through this, but you describe him as sweet in another post. What’s sweet about treating you like a skivvy and kicking off if his dinner isn’t on the table when he gets in from work?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2023 10:08

BrumBoymum · 15/10/2023 19:01

What a load of bollocks. Sorry op he is a complete dick

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/10/2023 10:20

He's not going to give you half of the house. Why would he do that? You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position financially and you are now with a very selfish, demanding and frankly quite horrible man. The longer you stay out of the workforce, the harder it will be for you. I think you should leave him, get your own place, find some work and get child maintenance from him. .

DRS1970 · 19/10/2023 10:37

I will start by saying I am a house hubby, I am retired, but my wife works full time. I absolutely cringed when I read the household chores being described as your "duties". I understand you doing the bulk of the household chores as you don't work much. But to describe them as your "duties" is really dated - is he Victorian! It doesn't sound like he sees your relationship as a partnership, and he doesn't sound very invested in his children either. I would tell him to revise his thinking, or start thinking about how he will split the house. I really hope things with your children's Victorian Dad improve for you - GL, and sorry your man is a knob - we aren't all like that.

rainbowstardrops · 19/10/2023 11:15

He treats you like a skivvy and expects you to fulfil your duties and yet you describe him as 'sweet'?

I read threads like these with utter disbelief as to what some people put up with.

Aikko · 19/10/2023 12:51

You are basically his maid to take care of the house, whilst he earns and stashes away money for himself.
Having your 3rd child so late was to keep you tied down for a further 10-15+ years and eliminate any possibility of you gaining some kind of independence (thereby not doing what HE wants you to do).

Worst case scenario is he drops you for a younger model some time in the future, and you are stuck with no financial security and 3 children to look after by yourself.

Isabellivi · 10/05/2025 08:04

I don’t know. Personally I would just stop being a slave and do what I want. Men respect hard boundaries. He may actually step up if you assert boundaries.

notatinydancer · 10/05/2025 08:40

rantinglunatic · 15/10/2023 20:32

your husband appears to be living in the 1890s. DIVORCE!

Not married.

healthybychristmas · 10/05/2025 08:56

Let me guess, he's sweet when you do all of the housework for very little financial reward. I bet he's not sweet when you say you're not happy with this.

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