If anyone fairly young but living a life without sex?

discodancingcat · 2023-10-15T10:29:39+00:00

I am in my early 30s, and for various reasons I live a life without sex with another person. Would I like to be doing it? Yes, in the right circumstances. But a lot would need to change in my life for that to be able to happen. Plus I have found relationships problematic once they have turned sexual in the past so sometimes I do think perhaps life is less complicated without it. Sometimes I feel I am the only young person out there who is living a life like me. I feel I have no sexuality or a loss of myself as a woman or even a human being sometimes which i know is ridiculous. I feel embarrassed to even admit it makes me a bit sad. I'm not really looking for advice to change the situation because it would be very difficult to change it, and cause a lot of other problems and it's not worth disrupting my whole life just to have a sexual one. Just wondered if anyone else is out there like me.

BananaSlug · 15/10/2023 11:37

Me, I haven't had sex since I was 28 im 35 (turned 35 today) Im not able to meet anyone so I've had to accept the situation, it's not a choice but it is what it is. 7 years celibate hasn't been easy. I feel too young to be completely celibate but don't have much choice.

Sushiboo · 15/10/2023 11:49

Me.

i’m 46, married for 15 years and had sex less than 10 times in the last 10 years. None in the last two. My husband just decided
to take it off the table and that was that. I either leave and disrupt my life completely or stay. He even said to have sex with other people if I want which I don’t want as I can’t do that without getting feelings.

I should leave but other than this we get on really well and have a nice life. He just doesn’t sex anymore.

TurnerP · 15/10/2023 23:57

You. Are. Not. Alone.

Peckahminn11 · 16/10/2023 00:05

Me. Not years but so far 8 months sex free. Have no desire to have it with my DP, but fantasise about it with every other man. Sad thing is... I love my partner more than anything he just doesn't do it for me in the bedroom bit so I live fantasising about other people constantly. I'd like to have best of both worlds but unfortunately it would destroy my life if I left.

Moogoopixie · 16/10/2023 02:33

36 here sex is a once a month or more job I miss the days we met and had regular sex daily I do think I wish I could fuck some one

Pigeotto · 16/10/2023 04:46

Me!!! 35, not sure if that’s what you mean by young but I’ve always had intimacy issues and only think I really enjoyed it with one person pre baby. Post baby I can’t feel anything and my organs hurt after so I’ve decided I’m a write off. Me and DP split because of it. Do feel a bit broken as a human sometimes but keep myself busy with baby and work. It used to make me depressed and still does sometimes that “I’m not normal” but meh. You’ll either find someone it works with or make your peace💕

Juliennehen · 16/10/2023 06:17

Do any of you masterbate? For the last poster, you say you don't feel anything and your organs hurt after, have you tried using a small bullet style vibrator just on your cliteris/vulva area?

If you don't masterbate then try that, get to know what feels good for you, in private with only you there.

I found that when my ex partner stopped having sex with me, I discovered myself a lot more and now in new relationships I have so much more confidence.

Also I can make myself come in a few minutes - winner!

I actually advise my friends who tell me their low and depressed to try to do this and do it often as it helps boost mood x

Crushed23 · 16/10/2023 06:45

This is me. Mid-30s and my sex drive is non-existent. It drove the end of my last relationship with the most perfect man who I still love deeply.

I used to have a healthy sex drive (including in the first 9 months of the relationship) and I have no idea why it vanished overnight.

I’ve been to the GP twice about this, I've had my hormones checked, I’ve seen a gynaecologist to see if it’s anything physiological. All normal/healthy. So it remains a mystery. I’m now exploring buying testosterone abroad as it’s prescription only in the UK and my gynaecologist wouldn’t entertain prescribing it to me when ‘everything is fine’ (her words). But everything is most certainly NOT fine. It’s actually making me depressed. I have just started therapy to see if that will do anything. I just want my sex drive back. :(

Crushed23 · 16/10/2023 06:59

Juliennehen · 16/10/2023 06:17

Do any of you masterbate? For the last poster, you say you don't feel anything and your organs hurt after, have you tried using a small bullet style vibrator just on your cliteris/vulva area?

If you don't masterbate then try that, get to know what feels good for you, in private with only you there.

I found that when my ex partner stopped having sex with me, I discovered myself a lot more and now in new relationships I have so much more confidence.

Also I can make myself come in a few minutes - winner!

I actually advise my friends who tell me their low and depressed to try to do this and do it often as it helps boost mood x

Well, I do. But much much less than I used to. It used to be every day and sometimes several times a day, and now it’s once a week, if that. And it’s not as pleasurable as it used to be either because (and sorry if TMI…) I hardly get wet anymore.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/10/2023 08:16

I agree with the PP who said to masturbate and explore your sensual side more

my libido took a nose dive after I split with
my ex and then covid

I won’t go into the details but explore your fantasies , read , watch

I actually had a fairly 🥵 online only affair with a couple of guys I met online

but also taking the time to explore and go slow

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/10/2023 08:18

Crushed23

you need another gynae
why should a 49 year old menopausal women get this but not you ?

Crushed23 · 16/10/2023 08:22

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/10/2023 08:18

Crushed23

you need another gynae
why should a 49 year old menopausal women get this but not you ?

Yes, I was disappointed with my gynaecologist. I have been referred to an endocrinologist from my last GP appointment - I am hoping that is more successful (it’s also a younger doctor so hopefully she can empathise more with my problem 🙏). Losing your sex drive in your 30s is soul destroying.

ILostMy20s · 16/10/2023 08:53

This applies to me, only caveat being that I recently turned 30 and haven't 'popped my cherry' yet...totally appreciate it's a different situation when you've never had it before. I suppose it's a bit like that expression that you can't miss something you never had.

It does get me down sometimes, thinking I must surely one of the few people my age not having sex. Almost certainly, I'm the only one among my peer group of people I was with during school and uni to have reached this stage. There are likely people around half my age already experiencing it.

The idea of casual sex has never really appealed to me, yet equally I'm not sure I'm cut out for relationships either. Generally, though, it's not really something I give a huge amount of thought to day-to-day. I have other things in my life that keep me and my mind busy.

Maybe (hopefully) it'll happen one day - but in my current circumstances, I can't imagine it'll change in the foreseeable. I've existed this long without it, somehow, so what's a couple more years! 😅

StarlightLady · 16/10/2023 10:24

Sex is important to me. I would not let myself be in the situation. I’m in my 40s, average looking l suppose, but if l wanted sex l could go out tonight and find someone who would oblige.

MoonMood · 16/10/2023 13:10

People always say use some substitute or other. But it’s not the same as sex with a real, live person!

I found it difficult to get the relationships I wanted or needed in my 30s and 40s - so often ended up sleeping with (looking back) unsuitable people.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer OP. And you don’t explain in detail the obstacles. But living a life that fulfills you in other ways goes a long way.

JamSandle · 16/10/2023 13:13

Early 30s and in a relationship but not bothered by sex in the slightest.

EarthSight · 16/10/2023 13:36

Crushed23 · 16/10/2023 06:45

This is me. Mid-30s and my sex drive is non-existent. It drove the end of my last relationship with the most perfect man who I still love deeply.

I used to have a healthy sex drive (including in the first 9 months of the relationship) and I have no idea why it vanished overnight.

I’ve been to the GP twice about this, I've had my hormones checked, I’ve seen a gynaecologist to see if it’s anything physiological. All normal/healthy. So it remains a mystery. I’m now exploring buying testosterone abroad as it’s prescription only in the UK and my gynaecologist wouldn’t entertain prescribing it to me when ‘everything is fine’ (her words). But everything is most certainly NOT fine. It’s actually making me depressed. I have just started therapy to see if that will do anything. I just want my sex drive back. :(

Insist on getting a 2nd opinion.

It's such a sexist way to treat women. If a man said his drive had vanished like that, it would certainly be treated like a big problem. Because your blood tests came back as 'normal' you are being gaslit to accept that everything is fine, when it's not. I don't even think they're meant to use blood tests to deny you testosterone, so they could be badly educated in the subject.

Have a look at the menopause society website for the prescribing guidelines on there, and go into your next appointment armed with this information. If you do go on it, it can take at least 6 weeks to start having an effect, and you might get a bit of acne for the first few months. It's not a magic solution. For me it restored sensation and improved bloodflow, which was crucial, but not drive. It could be that your libido is more dependent on oestrogen or dopamine, so be prepared for that.

Rania78 · 16/10/2023 20:58

@Sushiboo I could have written this post. 45 and haven’t had sex for 3 years.
In the meantime due to peri meno my sex drive has hit the roof. I need sex desperately.
problem is that I am like you. If I end up sleeping with someone I will most likely catch feelings. Plus I am difficult. I very rarely like someone.
There is a man at work I am really attracted to. I would honestly so it with him amd quite frankly wouldn’t even feel guilty about it. I crave intimacy, I long for a man toake passionate love to me.

LalalaIcanthearyouO · 16/10/2023 21:21

This is me… well almost.

Im 33, have been in a relationship for 12 years with my partner and we have not been intimate since I was 25. I doubt we will ever have children because of this as we moved into the friend zone years ago. Although he does occasionally mention our future children, I always joke by saying how? I’ve broached the situation with him so many times, usually when I get to the point I can no longer hide behind a Stepford wives ‘I’m fine’ bravado. I get to the point of depression and confront the situation with him about once a year, he doesn’t see anything wrong and we carry on as before.

We own a house together, we are friends, he is kind and trustworthy however we don’t go out together or go to events as a couple outside of immediate family events. I have cut off most of the friendship groups I had when we met to avoid judgement, he is unsociable and I make excuses for us as a couple when he doesn’t come to my work events or to support me. Should I just be grateful and continue? If I could afford to, I would buy my own property and rebuild myself to find someone but moving back in with parents or struggling with rent would make me feel even worse mentally. We each have professional jobs but even so single life would be a struggle, financially it makes sense for us to stay together.

Who is to say I would even meet another person and then I’d be even more of a failure.

The weird thing is I actually had a high sex drive when we met, I replaced sex with food when it stopped and put on 5 stone. I’ve lost some of the weight but use food as a coping mechanism.

Is there anyone else out there?

Rania78 · 16/10/2023 21:36

I think get some counseling to help you make the right decision. He is obviously not good for you and you are too young to remain celibate. FFS I m 45 and driving myself crazy. I desperately want to make love. Imagine If you are only 32!

itscatnaptime · 17/10/2023 08:07

LalalaIcanthearyouO · 16/10/2023 21:21

This is me… well almost.

Im 33, have been in a relationship for 12 years with my partner and we have not been intimate since I was 25. I doubt we will ever have children because of this as we moved into the friend zone years ago. Although he does occasionally mention our future children, I always joke by saying how? I’ve broached the situation with him so many times, usually when I get to the point I can no longer hide behind a Stepford wives ‘I’m fine’ bravado. I get to the point of depression and confront the situation with him about once a year, he doesn’t see anything wrong and we carry on as before.

We own a house together, we are friends, he is kind and trustworthy however we don’t go out together or go to events as a couple outside of immediate family events. I have cut off most of the friendship groups I had when we met to avoid judgement, he is unsociable and I make excuses for us as a couple when he doesn’t come to my work events or to support me. Should I just be grateful and continue? If I could afford to, I would buy my own property and rebuild myself to find someone but moving back in with parents or struggling with rent would make me feel even worse mentally. We each have professional jobs but even so single life would be a struggle, financially it makes sense for us to stay together.

Who is to say I would even meet another person and then I’d be even more of a failure.

The weird thing is I actually had a high sex drive when we met, I replaced sex with food when it stopped and put on 5 stone. I’ve lost some of the weight but use food as a coping mechanism.

Is there anyone else out there?

Your situation is almost identical to mine. I too wish I could afford to go and build a new life for myself but despite having a professional job, it is just too expensive to do so and the thought of moving back with family or living in a house share in my 30s is even worse than the life I have now imo.

LalalaIcanthearyouO · 17/10/2023 22:16

It is comforting to know there is someone else who knows how I feel, but I’m sorry to hear you are in a similar situation.

PlipPlopChoo · 17/10/2023 22:25

You. Are. Not. Alone

I.Am.Here.With.You

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 17/10/2023 22:34

Sex is a human need at your age
people say they don’t need anyone they don’t need a relationship but the truth is they have emotional needs too and their is a human need to have relationships
for now you could do a fwb situation and or go on dates

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 18/10/2023 07:03

Me. I'm 39 and it's been 8 years and I feel like a pensioner