Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What are the risks of having children without getting married?

115 replies

Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 10:59

My fiancé and I have lived together for 3 years, we have been engaged for 2. He has recently informed me that he would want a religious marriage but no legal ceremony. So we will be married in the eyes of god however not the law.
I believe this comes following his uncles divorce, who sadly ended his own life 5 years ago following a messy divorce that left him broke and unable to see his children.
I would not mind this, however I am unaware of the risks in this. We plan on having children soon, and I plan to always work (I am a teacher).
What are the risks of essentially cohabiting with children?

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 15/10/2023 18:53

Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents. I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one

How can you all be Catholic but not know that a catholic marriage is legal in the UK?!

giraffesaregreat · 15/10/2023 18:53

Roman Catholic marriages often need a registrar present to be a legal marriage in the UK - it can depend who the celebrant is. It would be much better to get married to have legal protection for you and your children.

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2023 18:55

He's having you on, op

balltraponthecote · 15/10/2023 18:57

I would never agree to what he's suggesting. Not least because of the religious hypocrisy - it speaks of poor character to me.

balltraponthecote · 15/10/2023 18:58

And also the fact that he is influenced by his parents. Deeply unattractive.

CarpetLady · 15/10/2023 18:58

OP, he’s broken the engagement. Being willing to do some sort of service in church means nothing at all- you won’t be married. So you should ask yourself whether you want to commit to a man who would do this and whether he’s a good bet to have children with.

Dont know what your religion is but most church weddings are legally binding. You can have a blessing but that’s usually after a civil service- I’d be surprised if any vicar were willing to do one in these circumstances- a sham blessing for a non-marriage because the man doesn’t want to risk giving the woman any legal rights.

AnSolas · 15/10/2023 18:59

I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one.

Dont try to mess around with trying to get a non-legal Christian wedding service in the UK. You would only be offered a blessing as none if the churches will want to end up in court explaining a non-wedding. Plus that is not even likely in the Catholic church as you are asking for the priest to bless your intention to live in a "state of sin".

if his parents have gotten involved and are in the driving seat of how your relationship will develop you should take a very close look at their attitudes to your role future as a mother and almost wife. Do they hold very traditonal roles and did his mother work outside the home through out the marraige?

And the big elephant in the room.
To keep the 1m whole neither mum or dad can end up in a care home so what is the plan for that?

fearfuloffluff · 15/10/2023 18:59

Presumably he means some kind of blessing.

His parents could put inheritance in a trust if they didn't want you to be able to access it.

It's a shitty attitude though. I'm surprised a Catholic would consider being together and having children without marriage.

Being unmarried can work but you need wealth and in no case should you be unpaid carer, sahm mother etc. Fine for a few years but fast forward 10-15 years and you're screwed.

Sashya · 15/10/2023 19:02

OP - in your place I'd be seriously wondering about his commitment to this relationship.
If his parents want to protect the money they pass on to their kin - its easy to arrange - they can put it to a trust in his name, and his future kids name.

However - is this really the sort of relationship you want to have? To have a partner who would always be thinking - my money VS her money.
What happens if you are unwell, or unable to work post having kids? No for better or for worse...?
Is he going to be living a different and separate life with the money he receives?

Really - do listen to the people on here - collectively we have had years of experiences and saw a lot of scenarios.

This guy - at best - is not ready for a commitment.

OR doesn't want to commit to you.

CryptoFascist · 15/10/2023 19:03

Good point - will you be expected to provide care for his parents so they won't need to pay care home fees in the future?

CarpetLady · 15/10/2023 19:04

I have had another conversation with him and I believe it is mostly to do with inheritance. Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents.

He’s supposed to be in love with you! Breaking the engagement because he’d rather not risk losing some money isn’t really consistent with that. A decent man would have told his parents to fuck off, frankly.

CarpetLady · 15/10/2023 19:13

Just spotted you’re Catholic as well- good luck to him finding a Catholic priest who would bless you having children out of wedlock for money’s sake.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/10/2023 19:23

Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 18:25

Hi thank you for all the replies. Our situation is fairly well set up, and I am not in a particularly vulnerable situation. I own my own house (currently rented out), and we both live in his house. So we both independently own a property. I earn less than him financially, however we both earn above the UK average wage. I am going to organise a meeting with a solicitor. We are Catholic and a brief google search has shown me there is some valid legality to a Christian marriage in the UK anyway.
I have had another conversation with him and I believe it is mostly to do with inheritance. Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents. I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one.

I laughed to read that he has cohabited with.you for years and wants a religious service only. Such a good observant Catholic happy to shag you and for you to bear his kids but wants none of the responsibility.

The only good news is you posted on here before you are two kids in and he is having an affair with his coworker because you don't understand him and you are left with 2 kids under 5 and no legal protection.

Catholic marriage is as standard legally binding, they register the wedding in the church during service. I'd question heavily a priest who'd agree undermine the entire religion perform a non legal wedding.

I thought I was immune to motherhood penalty because I was serious about my career and am in a "progressive industry". Please believe me when I say having children has impeded my earning ability in ways I just couldn't have predicted or foreseen.

Ask yourself this....
Could you comfortably house, feed and clothe yourself and two children under 5 AND pay for FT childcare (which will cost you AT LEAST ÂŁ2k net per month (it can be as high as ÂŁ4k) on a teacher's salary and CMS (which will be just less than 10% of his salary).
Yeah.. exactly.

Do NOT proceed without a legal binding marriage.
If he wants a prenup he can and he can pay for his legal council and yours.

No marriage. No kids.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/10/2023 19:26

I also agree with @CarpetLady
And the fact he didn't tell them to fuck off doesn't bode particularly well for your marriage.

It might be fairly cosy with all 4 of you in the mix...

Lavenderosa · 15/10/2023 19:30

Do his parents want him to remain a bachelor forever with illegitimate children or is it just you they don't want as a daughter-in-law? It all sounds very fishy to me and you'd be risking your whole future security to agree to anything based on a 'religious ceremony'. I know you're financially secure now but that might not be the case once you've had children so don't leave yourself vulnerable.

TrashedSofa · 15/10/2023 19:35

giraffesaregreat · 15/10/2023 18:53

Roman Catholic marriages often need a registrar present to be a legal marriage in the UK - it can depend who the celebrant is. It would be much better to get married to have legal protection for you and your children.

Yes I'd assume what he has in mind is the nuptial mass conducted by a priest who isn't a legal registrar, then not doing the registrar part. It isn't that Catholic weddings are legally valid in the UK in themselves, it's that they typically include the legalities as well as the sacrament.

While it's theoretically possible, I don't know whether any priest in this country would actually have it.

Lucked · 15/10/2023 19:37

I laughed when you said Catholic. Get him to organise a meeting with your priest so you can all have a chat about how this would work. He is about to have his eyes opened.

Horticulturehere · 15/10/2023 19:41

As @TrashedSofa says theoretically possible (see below) but unlikely.

@Meadow48 has he found a priest that will conduct a Catholic marriage without registering it legally and has the Archbishop give permission?

Is he a regular attendee / devout?

The Marriage Act of 1949, regulating marriages in England and Wales, differentiates between marriages solemnised according to the rites of the Church of England / Church in Wales and marriages otherwise solemnised.

Where a religious marriage ceremony takes place, but the requirements laid out in marriage law are not followed, there is no marriage in the eyes of the law. Such relationships have been referred to as “unregistered religious marriages”.

ShellySarah · 15/10/2023 19:41

That's awful. Why wouldn't his parents want their future grandchildren to inherit their money?

Horticulturehere · 15/10/2023 19:42

It appears it is the daughter in law that is being excluded and not the children of any are born

Horticulturehere · 15/10/2023 19:43

*if

Mumofteenandtween · 15/10/2023 19:47

Lucked · 15/10/2023 19:37

I laughed when you said Catholic. Get him to organise a meeting with your priest so you can all have a chat about how this would work. He is about to have his eyes opened.

I am wondering if “Catholic priest” is the one profession in existence that doesn’t have a handy mumsnetter in the profession! 🙂

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 19:51

I’m not one to believe that sex is moral or immoral. I don’t have any hangups about it at sll. But, if I may say so, Jesus Christ, what kind of Catholicism is this? From a catholic perspective what this man and his parents are proposing is really stunningly immoral.