Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What are the risks of having children without getting married?

115 replies

Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 10:59

My fiancé and I have lived together for 3 years, we have been engaged for 2. He has recently informed me that he would want a religious marriage but no legal ceremony. So we will be married in the eyes of god however not the law.
I believe this comes following his uncles divorce, who sadly ended his own life 5 years ago following a messy divorce that left him broke and unable to see his children.
I would not mind this, however I am unaware of the risks in this. We plan on having children soon, and I plan to always work (I am a teacher).
What are the risks of essentially cohabiting with children?

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2023 15:29

One of the risks is, once you have children, their needs or other pressures are such that you end up reducing your hours or giving up work. If you become dependent on him, then you're vulnerable without the legal protections of marriage. It's easy to say "oh I'll keep working" - but you can't really predict what might happen - PND, disabilities, childcare costs, family pressure - all sorts of things can play in.

Secondly, what's the actual point of a religious marriage that has no legal standing? He can pretend to be committed in the spiritual sense but it doesn't go as deep as his pockets? So he has the face/status of a "married" man but none of the obligations? Pffft. Sorry, but I'd not have a bar of it.

Redwinestillfine · 15/10/2023 15:34

The only point of getting married is the legal protection. What he is offering is not a marriage.

AgentJohnson · 15/10/2023 16:42

in other words he wants his cake……. I bet if there were any financial and legal responsibility attached to his religious ceremony he wouldn’t have suggested that either.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2023 16:51

If you have your own money .. and can pay your way

there arnt many risks over and above marriage tbh
and ending it is loads easier (sorry ! )

Jk987 · 15/10/2023 16:59

It used to be the utmost of sins to have sex or to have children unless you're married. So much so that women were forced to give up their babies if unmarried but that's another story...

If you both have mirrored wills and speak to a solicitor about other assets such as your home and mortgage then you don't need to get married. If you have more assets and are the higher earner, that's even less reason to tie the knot!

wildwestpioneer · 15/10/2023 17:02

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 15:02

This is in response to wildwest upthread. Yeah: good luck enforcing that through maternity leave and everything else. Life is what happens while you are making other plans.

Edited

You can share maternity leave if you're in the uk

My dh had 3 months off when we had our second.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 17:03

Anyone can change a will at any time. And there is nothing to stop mr “religious marriage only” from marrying someone else or changing the will unilaterally. Failure to marry may also put OP at risk of not being able to make medical decisions for boyfriend, or he for her.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 17:06

wildwestpioneer · 15/10/2023 17:02

You can share maternity leave if you're in the uk

My dh had 3 months off when we had our second.

Show quote history

You can, sure, but will he recompense her for list wages and pension when she takes hers? What if he doesn’t take it or his company doesn’t recognize cohabiting couples for paternity leave? What you and your dh did is obviously not televant to mr “Im not getting married? “

Lavenderosa · 15/10/2023 17:11

"We plan on having children soon, and I plan to always work (I am a teacher)."

This is your ideal case scenario but life comes at you in unexpected ways. You could be ill, your child/children could be ill and your 'husband' could leave you to cope on your own. You need to plan for the worst case scenarios so that you have a safety net and a legal contract (marriage) will give you something better than nothing if the relationship ends and/or you're no longer able to earn a salary that covers your expenses.

Mari9999 · 15/10/2023 17:20

@Meadow48
In my opinion, a responsible woman chooses to have a child only when she knows that no matter what happens to or with a relationship, that she alone is capable of supporting herself and her child. With that assurance ,there is no risk involved at least as relates to support.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 17:24

I teally, reslly, don’t get how OP can “plan” anything with someone who pretded to be engaged for two years then unilaterally changed the terms of the agreement to mean something else. If I agree to have dinner with someone I don’t then think our agreement is satisfied if he plunks down some cardboard and broken glass and says “what’s your contribution?”

More to the point Universally across all human cultures—whether matriarchal or patriarchal—women do not bring children into this world with no regard to financial support from outside. having children and being physically snd economically supported requires more than just the pregnant woman.

OP should not consider herself to be “planning” to have children with someone who can’t even plan to be supportive of her in sickness and in health, financially and structurally.

Horticulturehere · 15/10/2023 17:29

Has the OP updated ? Or responded?

Original poster
Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 18:25

Hi thank you for all the replies. Our situation is fairly well set up, and I am not in a particularly vulnerable situation. I own my own house (currently rented out), and we both live in his house. So we both independently own a property. I earn less than him financially, however we both earn above the UK average wage. I am going to organise a meeting with a solicitor. We are Catholic and a brief google search has shown me there is some valid legality to a Christian marriage in the UK anyway.
I have had another conversation with him and I believe it is mostly to do with inheritance. Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents. I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/10/2023 18:30

Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 18:25

Hi thank you for all the replies. Our situation is fairly well set up, and I am not in a particularly vulnerable situation. I own my own house (currently rented out), and we both live in his house. So we both independently own a property. I earn less than him financially, however we both earn above the UK average wage. I am going to organise a meeting with a solicitor. We are Catholic and a brief google search has shown me there is some valid legality to a Christian marriage in the UK anyway.
I have had another conversation with him and I believe it is mostly to do with inheritance. Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents. I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one.

Why not agree a pre-nup to ringfence his potential inheritance if that's the problem?

Wolvesart · 15/10/2023 18:32

If you are C of E the civil bit is part of the marriage

NutellaNut · 15/10/2023 18:33

Are you in the UK? A Christian marriage in a church is a legal marriage. You don’t need a separate civil ceremony like you do for some religions.

NutellaNut · 15/10/2023 18:36

The fact that he doesn’t want to do it legally should ring massive alarm bells. He want to go through some kind of charade for show effectively, without offering you the protection of marriage if you have kids and things go pearshaped. If you have a church blessing (not a marriage) he’s not your husband, not a fiancé, just a boyfriend.

MariaVT65 · 15/10/2023 18:37

In that case, i would have a conversation with him about how much else he expects his parents to interfere in your relationship, as this sounds like it may be an issue.

Darhon · 15/10/2023 18:37

The most protective thing is to put the property into joint ownership, always work and go back fulltime as soon as you can, make sure childcare costs are family costs - not tied to your wage and whether it is ‘worth’ you working, and joint custody of the kids if you split.

Even if you’re married and split, many judges favour ‘clean’ divorces now, so the property and assets are shared. You won’t get to stay in the house until the children are 18, for example. So if you have no career or earning power, you can still be in a mess.

CatamaranViper · 15/10/2023 18:39

Meadow48 · 15/10/2023 18:25

Hi thank you for all the replies. Our situation is fairly well set up, and I am not in a particularly vulnerable situation. I own my own house (currently rented out), and we both live in his house. So we both independently own a property. I earn less than him financially, however we both earn above the UK average wage. I am going to organise a meeting with a solicitor. We are Catholic and a brief google search has shown me there is some valid legality to a Christian marriage in the UK anyway.
I have had another conversation with him and I believe it is mostly to do with inheritance. Turns out he is due to inherit about a million from his parents. I think they are the ones pushing to avoid a legal marriage ceremony and just stick to a religious one.

So he's going to come into a million pounds and he doesn't want his wife to have access to it at all?

What if something happened with your career or you became ill and were unable to work or, god forbid, you had a child with a major illness and you have to stop working?
Will he 'allow' you access to 'his' money?

What if he dies? Doesn't he want to ensure his wife and (potential) children are taken care of?

He sounds like a selfish prick to me. You could sign a prenup so you won't have any access to that money in the event of divorce.

Newphony · 15/10/2023 18:42

There are certain situations where marriage does fail a woman.
If a woman owns a couple of properties outright and rents one night as income for example and her partner has one property but mortgaged, then the pendulum swings in the man's favour if any marriage then subsequent divorce occurs, thus effecting any children that they have together.
This is my situation so I have chosen to have children but not to marry as there is little benefit to me and I have too much to loose.

Redwinestillfine · 15/10/2023 18:44

Catholic marriages are legal marriages. The priest does the paperwork with the couple in the back after the ceremony. Otherwise it would be a blessing not a marriage.

Newphony · 15/10/2023 18:45

Also a Catholic marriage is both legal and religious in the UK.

Aposterhasnoname · 15/10/2023 18:48

He has recently informed me that he would want a religious marriage but no legal ceremony.

Lol, I bet he fucking would. So he gets all the “you're my wife so you must do xyz” with non of the legal protections for you. Why do people keep falling for this shit.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2023 18:51

Have you guys checked with a priest to see how the church feels about basically ignoring the whole thrust of catholic marriage to enable one party to keep property separate from the other? Or sex before marriage presuming that you are having it?

This man is, well, utterly substandard. I hope you realize you could do better.

Swipe left for the next trending thread