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Original poster

My BF said his mother has NPD tendencies…

28 replies

VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 09:48

It is a new relationship, only 6 months, he is close to his family who lives in another country and I have not met them yet. He travels 2/3 times a year to spend time with them and never speak ill of them but the other day he said that his mother has strong narcissist traits. I wish we could have explored the topic more but I was on my way home so didn’t have time.

He has never been married - no children and it seems like he never had a very significant relationship is his life…but his sibiling is happily married with grown children.

He is an over achiever, hard on himself and a bit of a perfectionist yet very stoic too.

He is consistent, reliable and very respectful and emotionally mature, an absolute gem BUT atm he is suffering from ED and even though I enjoy everything he does to get me off - and his company overall - he is feeling super low and down in the dumps, for the first time I’m starting to wonder if he will break up with me due to his insecurities.

He is doing a thorough investigation on his health with his doctors and wishes they will find a cause and give him meds - apparently his testistetone is low but not so low that warrantes tostesterone prescription… he is mad because he says he always had higher levels then average so his low levels are significant low compared to the low levels of average men but the doctors want to investigate other causes…

I heard most ED is a pychological problem? So I’m wondering if his upbringing has anything to do with it too? Would therapy help etc?

We will see each other soon and I want to have a very open and honest conversation about it all. The ED does not bother me since he is fantastic in every other way but it is very frustating for him.

Anyone gone through similar situation and have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2023 09:59

End the relationship now before you get ever more invested in this as well as feeling hurt/used. He is not the gem you think he is and there are red flags here that would have made some women run far and fast. Women are not rehab centres for such badly raised men.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are your boundaries like; these seem to need more work as they are quite lowly set.

His ED will also get to you a lot more over time even though it apparently does not bother you now. Given his attitude towards the doctors who are investigating this it should because that could get directed at you further. Do not become his rescuer and or saviour; neither approach works in relationships.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 10:21

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2023 09:59

End the relationship now before you get ever more invested in this as well as feeling hurt/used. He is not the gem you think he is and there are red flags here that would have made some women run far and fast. Women are not rehab centres for such badly raised men.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are your boundaries like; these seem to need more work as they are quite lowly set.

His ED will also get to you a lot more over time even though it apparently does not bother you now. Given his attitude towards the doctors who are investigating this it should because that could get directed at you further. Do not become his rescuer and or saviour; neither approach works in relationships.

Thanks for responding

I genuinely don't see any red flags would kindly point them out? And what makes you think I'm being used? And where the lack of boundaries are?

He is 'so far' genuinely awesome and I have zero complaints.

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 15/10/2023 10:55

Well...

Not having had a significant relationship
Close family members with NPD
ED
Mysterious illness

None of the above are an ideal start to an amazing relationship

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2023 11:04

As NotNowGertrude wrote.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 11:04

NotNowGertrude · 15/10/2023 10:55

Well...

Not having had a significant relationship
Close family members with NPD
ED
Mysterious illness

None of the above are an ideal start to an amazing relationship

I understand
But none of the above impacted me so far
Also noticed he said narcisistic traits not diagnosed NPD

I’m just trying to keep an open mind here since no one is perfect

ED and ilness is not a personality flaw

I agree with the lack of significant relationships but so far he handles everything very well and is emotionally mature and aware with great communication skills

I’m seasoned, divorced twice and some other situations…I know what good and bad relationships look like from experience

Also he is very keen in the bedroom, always making sure I have a good time despite his ED, which apparently is a new thing

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/10/2023 11:15

How would he have known about previous testosterone levels?

PosterBoy · 15/10/2023 11:20

You go ahead and ignore all the flags that have been pointed out to you. Do you usually end up in the rescuer role in relationships?

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 11:22

Good question, I will ask him

But he has always being into a lot os sports, lifiting, building muscle, tracking his health, etc and he understands a lot about this kind of stuff

And just to not give the wrong impression, he has a very professional brainy job / career too, so not a ‘ macho macho man’ iykwim

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 11:23

PosterBoy · 15/10/2023 11:20

You go ahead and ignore all the flags that have been pointed out to you. Do you usually end up in the rescuer role in relationships?

to answer your question - no

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 15/10/2023 11:23

I heard most ED is a pychological problem?

I would've thought the majority of ED would be down to getting older?

How old is he OP?

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 11:24

WhateverMate · 15/10/2023 11:23

I heard most ED is a pychological problem?

I would've thought the majority of ED would be down to getting older?

How old is he OP?

55

OP posts:
forevaworried · 15/10/2023 13:09

Ridiculous OTT replies on here as usual. Personally I don’t see the red flags. Lots of people haven’t been in long term significant relationships for a variety of reasons. Sounds like he’s been fairly isolated and spent his life making a career and finding enjoyment with hobbies. Mother has narcissistic traits, don’t we all in some ways? Or have family members who do? My mum has narcissistic traits, they’ve damaged me for sure but I am not a bad person for it. ED is unfortunate but Jesus there could be a dozen reasons why this is happening. Possibly due to inexperience in relationships? Mysterious illnesses well these aren’t exactly uncommon in the general population either.

Catsafterme · 15/10/2023 13:29

Phycological trauma can cause mysterious illnesses, chronic illness and neurological. I have a neurological disorder that was misdiagnosed for years, I was very sick and have recently had it confirmed it's the result of years of psychological abuse. I am now getting better that I am out of the marriage.

I'm younger and not suffered from ED but I know that if you are struggling mentally, like things on your mind, depression or illness it can make it difficult. It's like a mental block or sometimes if you are too weak or tired it's just not happening as much as you want to.

In my case I am receiving therapy and neurological rehabilitation, medication doesn't work.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 14:36

@Catsafterme @forevaworried

Thanks for your balanced responses

Seeing that he gets on well and makes an effort to travel abroad and spend time with his family and has very good frienships dating back years and also more newer ones, I don’t think he has a relationship problem - could have been bad luck / not finding a good fit / focusing on his own life. He always been sure he did not want children so I guess this impacted him having relationship when younger.
I have never felt the need to question his romantic past but now I’m just curious. He is a good lover in bed, loves giving oral sex and know what he is doing but the ED is taking a toll in him (plus other things like feeling tired too easily and not doing as much in the gym).
He eats very well, buy the best food he can afford (Waitrose, butchers etc) and cooks.

I understand his insecurities and will suggest we use toys if he worries about me not having proper penetration…however this doesn’t solve his problem and how to even bring it up without making things worse?

OP posts:
forevaworried · 15/10/2023 15:03

I think you need to just really emphasise his positive sexual traits, let him know everything he does in the bedroom is perfect and you’ve no complaints (assuming this is the case). I don’t know much about ED but I’m aware it could be biological or psychological in origin, if psychological I’d assume that’s more difficult to fix. Have you thought about asking him how he dealt with it in previous relationships or would that be too weird? It doesn’t make it any easier I’m sure but this is a problem that affects a significant amount of men. I’ve had the female version in the past and what’s really brought me out of it is a lovely boyfriend who makes me feel like the centre of his world, and gives me all the emotional satisfaction I need. If you feel like he is the person you can do this for then persevere. Maybe it’s just a case of all he’s known for so long is ST relationships where ED might not have been so impactful and he’s feeling the pressure now it’s been 6 months. I feel for him.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 15:13

forevaworried · 15/10/2023 15:03

I think you need to just really emphasise his positive sexual traits, let him know everything he does in the bedroom is perfect and you’ve no complaints (assuming this is the case). I don’t know much about ED but I’m aware it could be biological or psychological in origin, if psychological I’d assume that’s more difficult to fix. Have you thought about asking him how he dealt with it in previous relationships or would that be too weird? It doesn’t make it any easier I’m sure but this is a problem that affects a significant amount of men. I’ve had the female version in the past and what’s really brought me out of it is a lovely boyfriend who makes me feel like the centre of his world, and gives me all the emotional satisfaction I need. If you feel like he is the person you can do this for then persevere. Maybe it’s just a case of all he’s known for so long is ST relationships where ED might not have been so impactful and he’s feeling the pressure now it’s been 6 months. I feel for him.

You are right and I believe he is worth persevering. He is already grateful on how I have been handling everything. I haven't asked a lot of questions as we introduced sex only last month and had only 3 attempts but I think I need to have these conversations now for my own understanding of him. And I will work on being more verbally affirmative.

OP posts:
Milarky · 15/10/2023 15:17

How old are you OP if BF is 55?

You've been going out 6 months and had sex 3 times of which he has ED. That's not a lot of sex for a new relationship.

Seriously OP a brand new relationship shouldn't be that hard work. There's better men out there for you.

Milarky · 15/10/2023 15:18

And! You said you had attempts at sex! Attempts!!

He's not the one for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2023 15:32

Relationships should not be such hard work. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous poor life experience and or relationships, are being further got at by this man. There is better out there for you but sadly you believe that this man is currently the best there is for you.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 15:53

When did I say it has been hard work? It has been an oasis in my life tbh. Sex happened when I wanted to, on my timeline. 'Attempts' of penetration...other than that I was held, massaged, caressed, kissed all over and had orgasms.
I am at a point in my life where emotional connection and affection is so much more valuable than penetration.
What I'm getting out of this? Emotional connection and support, friendship, fun activities, learned a lot of new things already and did things I never done before, mental stimulation, closeness and being in the presence of a man who focus on me 100% when we are together and never lets me down and is attuned to my needs and wellbeing... so far. Of course I keep my feet on the ground since 6 months is nothing really.

I'm 46. And btw my previous relationships just made me a better woman, better human being and better partner.

And I have no intentions to move in together and get married as I have a teen with some special needs...and until they are completely grown and undefended, I'm enjoying just have an easy relationship with an awesome BF - the kind of man the majority of woman think doesn't exist or is already taken (I know I used to think the same).

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 15/10/2023 16:09

As far as I'm aware OP isn't concerned about lack of sex and the relationship is good as a whole, that he's good to her but is having ED issues. She's just interested as to why he would have issues, whether that's from trauma, considering mother comment and possible remedies as he's struggling to come to terms with it and doesn't understand why it's happening.

I think the other problem with that is likely also that the more he feels ashamed of worked up about it, the more it will compound the issue. As said I've not had it fully but I have at times struggled and it's frustrating. You know you should be able to, it's always worked before and no matter how much you want to it's just not responding and you feel like shit because you're letting your partner down.

I would hazard a guess it's psychological, perhaps subconsciously depending on what the issue at hand is. Be careful with medication as well because side affects can also make it worse, like some anti depressants make it insanely hard to reach climax there are some that would maybe make his problem worse.

Milarky · 15/10/2023 16:10

So you want to fix him?

JIMMI85 · 15/10/2023 16:12

some of these replies are ridiculous!!

so what if his mum has narcissistic traits?! If someone’s dad was an alcoholic does that make the son an alcoholic?

In regards to the ED, the best thing you can do is support him.

im not convinced about the test levels always being above average, unless he has previously suffered with ED it is very unlikely he would have known.

ED can be psychological or could be a sign of underlying health issues. 55 isn’t particularly old for ED but anyone can get it at any age; I had an implant last year at 37 .

what other kinds of meds is he on? Anti depressants can contribute to ED along with other meds.

does he use any PDE5’s like viagra?

if he wants help with his ED he needs to see a urologist to find out the cause. A Doppler will determine if it’s psychological or something physically wrong.

Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 16:41

Catsafterme · 15/10/2023 16:09

As far as I'm aware OP isn't concerned about lack of sex and the relationship is good as a whole, that he's good to her but is having ED issues. She's just interested as to why he would have issues, whether that's from trauma, considering mother comment and possible remedies as he's struggling to come to terms with it and doesn't understand why it's happening.

I think the other problem with that is likely also that the more he feels ashamed of worked up about it, the more it will compound the issue. As said I've not had it fully but I have at times struggled and it's frustrating. You know you should be able to, it's always worked before and no matter how much you want to it's just not responding and you feel like shit because you're letting your partner down.

I would hazard a guess it's psychological, perhaps subconsciously depending on what the issue at hand is. Be careful with medication as well because side affects can also make it worse, like some anti depressants make it insanely hard to reach climax there are some that would maybe make his problem worse.

Nailed it, thanks.

And to add that it would be sad to have the relationship end if he feels he is not a 'man' anymore and is questioning his whole existence at this point (he is). So being alone would be easier than have ED over and over again while there is a naked woman he is attracted to on his bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetVoice · 15/10/2023 16:43

Milarky · 15/10/2023 16:10

So you want to fix him?

I take him, like him and admire him exactly how he is - no problem. But he wants to fix himself and I want to be a supportive GF and in order to do so I can benefit from understanding more about ED since I never came across this before.

OP posts: