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Original poster

DH never wants sex

37 replies

BlowDryRat · 14/10/2023 22:11

I need to talk to him properly about it. He's happy with sex once a month or even less often. I'm a several times a week kind of person. Sex only ever happens when he initiates it. If I try, he brushes me off like he thinks I'm a sex-crazed perve for wanting to have sex with my own husband.

I very rarely try to initiate sex because it hurts to be rejected every time. I definitely don't pester him, sulk or otherwise try to make him feel he has to have sex with me for a happy life. So we carry on having sex when he feels like it every few weeks and it works for him but it doesn't work for me. When we've talked about it, he just says he needs to feel 100% relaxed for it to happen.

I'm not looking for an open relationship. I'm very much in love with DH and I'm not remotely interested in having sex with anyone else.

Any ideas on where we go from here?

OP posts:
SleepyJim · 14/10/2023 22:31

Has it always been like this or has it changed over time?

Takeabreather23 · 14/10/2023 22:32

If this is new then what’s changed ? Are you able to work back to when , or has it always been this way .

acpk55 · 14/10/2023 22:34

When sex drives are mismatched the frequency is generally determined by the partner with the “lower “ drive, I think you probably have 4 options

  1. like it and lump it

  2. grow a thick skin, initiate more and deal with the rejection

  3. look elsewhere for sex

  4. leave

you can have a discussion with your DH about this and how it makes you feel, but essentially you cannot make him “want” more sex, just explain how you feel about the current situation, but you run the risk of him having duty sex with you, rather than him actually wanting to

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 14/10/2023 22:48

It's gradually become less frequent until it's barely there. It's happened over years rather than overnight. We're mid-late 30's with a teen and a tween, nothing dramatic has happened and everything else is good.

I hate that this is gnawing away at me. Everyone else in the family is happy and I can't just be grateful for what we have. I don't want to wonder what's wrong with me or have to tamp down feeling that he's being selfish in only considering his own needs.

I don't want duty sex. We used to have amazing sex multiple times a day. I don't need that either. Just not being rejected every single time would make such a difference.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 14/10/2023 23:38

To be rejected sexually is soul destroying. It eats away at your self esteem and can lead to depression.
Do you believe he still loves you? Could there be a medical reason- low testosterone perhaps?
This isn’t going to be resolved unless you communicate with each other, and if he is not willing to discuss then perhaps consider your options.

Norbi · 14/10/2023 23:52

Not really a great deal you can do and it tends to get worse rather than better. You can’t really make someone want to have more sex. Having two teens in the house isn’t an ideal relaxed setting either so that might be part of it. Do you get time when it is just both of you in the house and no kids?

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 15/10/2023 00:13

He’s not being selfish to not want to have sex when he doesn’t feel like it. No means no.

How is your relationship otherwise? Is he shouldering the burden of cooking, cleaning etc more than you? Do you ask him what needs doing rather than just doing the chores that you see needs doing? Do you offer to “help” with what you see are his chores? All these type of things elsewhere in the relationship can give a partner the ick. if any of these are in your relationship then address these first.

Also, if he kisses or hugs you do you expect sex? Can he do these things without an expectation to end up in the bedroom?

There are a lot of reasons why a partner may have gone off sex. Illness, stress, medication can also be a reason. Perhaps counselling would help you both understand the underlying reasons.

If it is a case of mismatched libidos then the one with the higher sex drive needs to decide whether to accept their partner as is, have an affair (which opens up. A new can of worms) or end the relationship.

DixonD · 15/10/2023 02:27

acpk55 · 14/10/2023 22:34

When sex drives are mismatched the frequency is generally determined by the partner with the “lower “ drive, I think you probably have 4 options

  1. like it and lump it

  2. grow a thick skin, initiate more and deal with the rejection

  3. look elsewhere for sex

  4. leave

you can have a discussion with your DH about this and how it makes you feel, but essentially you cannot make him “want” more sex, just explain how you feel about the current situation, but you run the risk of him having duty sex with you, rather than him actually wanting to

I’m in the same situation as you OP and the above is the truth of it.

I never initiate anymore; I just can’t take the rejection.

It’s number 1 for me.

PosterBoy · 15/10/2023 02:47

Did you have any solutions in mind, apart from the ones you have ruled out?

I don't think talking about it is going to get you anywhere - particularly as you don't want duty sex.

Jelllytot · 15/10/2023 02:52

Sorry to hear this OP.

Not much advice but just to say I know how this feels. Sounds exactly like my situation with my DH.

At the moment it is ok for me because we've had a little baby and after a difficult birth, I'm not quite ready to have sex again. I'm also not feeling very confident in my new body... And like you say, after one's advances are rejected multiple times, I feel even less confident in myself with my postpartum body.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/10/2023 10:38

You’re mid thirties? That’s depressing. Very depressing.

Has he gained a lot of weight? Have you? Is he on medication now? Does he have a particularly tiring job? Have you got stresses in your life? Any health concerns?

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 10:54

I've been on the other side of this before and it really doesn't help. ExH would relentlessly pester me for sex, sulk and not let me sleep until he got what he wanted. He was awful in many different ways and I was physically repulsed by him because he treated me so badly, but he would never let it drop. I never, ever want to be like him.

The difference there is that he knew exactly why I wasn't interested. The DC were tiny. I was exhausted with working, night wakings and childcare. I had PND. He did nothing around the house, threatened me, stole from me, belittled me, and generally treated me appallingly. We had marriage counselling where he would promise concrete actions and then do none of them. There was no reason why I would want to sleep with him and every reason why I wouldn't. He couldn't care less what I wanted and coerced me into it just so I could get some sleep.

The situation with DH is completely different. We're affectionate with eachother, enjoy eachother's company and have fun. We each pull our weight around the house and actively try to to make eachother's lives easier. We have a day every other weekend by ourselves when ExH has the DC. There aren't any health issues.

I've put on weight and I wonder whether this is putting him off. I go to the gym several times a week when it overlaps with the DC's clubs at the local leisure centre and he knows how hard I'm trying to lose the weight. I wish he'd just say if that was the issue so I knew there was something concrete I could do to fix it. As it is, I feel crap about myself because I'm fat, my husband's rejecting me and I'm terrified I'm like ExH. Then I eat crap and try to exercise it off and I'm not young enough to pull that off any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 11:48

@DixonD I'm sorry to hear that. How did you get to the point where you accepted that it was never going to change? I'm just feeling humiliated and upset and ok, a little bit angry that he's unilaterally decided to end the sexual aspect of our relationship.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 12:22

It’s possible he’s just got a lower sex drive than you and as you’ve become more comfortable and stable in the relationship he is reverting to his true self. I think you have to stop seeing it as a rejection of you, it’s probably absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I have a much lower sex drive than my dh and it isn’t because I don’t fancy him, it’s just I don’t fancy sex. That’s it.

JIMMI85 · 15/10/2023 12:49

I think all too often men are perceived to have the higher sex drive, and want sex all the time but this really isn’t the case. If a man has a low sex drive, and doesn’t feel the need for intimacy as often as his partner would like quite often two assumptions are made, either he doesn’t fancy you anymore or he’s getting it elsewhere. Both of which are rarely true.

a man needs to be perhaps more in the mood for sex than a woman, as he needs to be more physically and mentally turned on in order to be able to ‘perform’. If a man has an occasion whereby he couldn’t perform , then it becomes a viscous circle.

it’s not nice being rejected, but it sounds like if you don’t instigate sex, then nothing will change. Find out why he has a lower sex drive, why he is happy with sex once a month and try and establish how you can both compromise.

personally, I could not have a relationship with sex that infrequent, and I would be asking questions and trying to find a solution. But, everyone is different.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 13:06

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 12:22

It’s possible he’s just got a lower sex drive than you and as you’ve become more comfortable and stable in the relationship he is reverting to his true self. I think you have to stop seeing it as a rejection of you, it’s probably absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I have a much lower sex drive than my dh and it isn’t because I don’t fancy him, it’s just I don’t fancy sex. That’s it.

Did you ever discuss it and work through it, or did it just become the status quo?

I have tried to initiate sex for years. I've only recently given up because I decided it was better to avoid the rejection. It's not that I've never tried to initiate sex.

Today for example is our first day in 3 weeks without the DC. DH informed me at 8 this morning that he was going out to marshall a very long race. I don't know what the acceptable way to feel about that looks like, but I know how I feel. Hurt, rejected, close to tears. It's like he tries to avoid any situation where sex might possibly happen.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 15/10/2023 13:52

BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 13:06

Did you ever discuss it and work through it, or did it just become the status quo?

I have tried to initiate sex for years. I've only recently given up because I decided it was better to avoid the rejection. It's not that I've never tried to initiate sex.

Today for example is our first day in 3 weeks without the DC. DH informed me at 8 this morning that he was going out to marshall a very long race. I don't know what the acceptable way to feel about that looks like, but I know how I feel. Hurt, rejected, close to tears. It's like he tries to avoid any situation where sex might possibly happen.

Show quote history

Or… he’s got a day feee of responsibility and wanted to do something that he wanted to do.

Is it a possible you’re seeing things as rejections when they’re not?

Megifer · 15/10/2023 14:01

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 12:22

It’s possible he’s just got a lower sex drive than you and as you’ve become more comfortable and stable in the relationship he is reverting to his true self. I think you have to stop seeing it as a rejection of you, it’s probably absolutely nothing to do with you at all. I have a much lower sex drive than my dh and it isn’t because I don’t fancy him, it’s just I don’t fancy sex. That’s it.

Was going to say the exact same thing. Try not to see it as rejection, maybe he just doesn't want sex as much - nothing more to it than that.

Same with me, DP has a much higher sex drive, I could go for months without it very happily. Its not him, I just don't like sex much anymore, and its up to him whether he accepts that same as you have to decide.

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 15:30

BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 13:06

Did you ever discuss it and work through it, or did it just become the status quo?

I have tried to initiate sex for years. I've only recently given up because I decided it was better to avoid the rejection. It's not that I've never tried to initiate sex.

Today for example is our first day in 3 weeks without the DC. DH informed me at 8 this morning that he was going out to marshall a very long race. I don't know what the acceptable way to feel about that looks like, but I know how I feel. Hurt, rejected, close to tears. It's like he tries to avoid any situation where sex might possibly happen.

Show quote history

Oh we’ve discussed it loads. And loads. We went through a period about a month ago where before that we hadn’t had sex for about 6 months. I have some physical disabilities and they make me really tired and if I have some time to myself I literally just want to have some peace and space to myself. Whereas for dh he sees (as you obviously do from what you’ve written above) any opportunity for us to be alone as a chance to have sex. I’ve been trying to meet him half way because it makes me sad he feels so sad about it all, he never sulks or whatever but I know he’s hurt and misses the intimacy. When we first got together (over 15 years ago) we’d have sex every day. So now we’re trying to work on once a week. Which neither of us is particularly happy with for opposing reasons (!) but we love each other and want to stay married so we just do our best. Once I get going I do enjoy it but I could equally just not bother and have a tea and a read of my book in bed. It really isn’t anything to do with him as such. You’re making it far more personal than it probably is.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 17:35

DH doesn't suffer from a lack of free time. The DC aren't his so he's free to do whatever he likes outside of working hours. He often works late, or goes straight from work to his hobby, which he does nearly every Saturday morning. That's fine, but these two days when the DC are out are our time and he decided that one of them wasn't worth spending with me. When I'm already feeling dejected about the sex issue it just feels like a kicking.

We had a chat about it when he got back. He's said it's not that he finds me unattractive, and we've both agreed we need more time spent together. He offered to have sex this afternoon but I told him I wasn't really interested in duty sex, so that's that.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/10/2023 17:42

Well, while you mull I'd be knocking him back to spark a conversation about it. Things won't change otherwise.

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 18:17

BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 17:35

DH doesn't suffer from a lack of free time. The DC aren't his so he's free to do whatever he likes outside of working hours. He often works late, or goes straight from work to his hobby, which he does nearly every Saturday morning. That's fine, but these two days when the DC are out are our time and he decided that one of them wasn't worth spending with me. When I'm already feeling dejected about the sex issue it just feels like a kicking.

We had a chat about it when he got back. He's said it's not that he finds me unattractive, and we've both agreed we need more time spent together. He offered to have sex this afternoon but I told him I wasn't really interested in duty sex, so that's that.

Your first line there seems odd - just because the dc aren’t his doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be part of the family. My eldest dc (now aged 20) is from my first marriage but dh has always been a step parent to her, your post makes it sound like you live quite separate lives and I’m wondering if that is underlying some of what’s bothering you?

EarthSight · 15/10/2023 18:47

If it bothered him, wouldn't he show more interested in changing it?

As an experiment, you could try to get yourself down to a healthy BMI and see if that makes a difference. If it doesn't, then it's not the weight. He might just not be a sexual person and if you want to stay with him, you will have to accept that this part of you will be unfulfilled.

GarlicGrace · 15/10/2023 19:10

He offered to have sex this afternoon but I told him I wasn't really interested in duty sex, so that's that.

OK, I absolutely understand this ... but. The pair of you have agreed and are aware of your greater desire for sex. As an aside, I'm really impressed by your relationship! So he's gone something like "I understand you want more sex and I'll try to meet you halfway. We've got some free time now, shall we do sex?"

You've told him that isn't good enough. Like I said, I do understand you but I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. You say "I want more sex." He replies "Okay, how about now?" You reject him.

Now, either you do, in fact, want duty sex - because you want him to meet your libido halfway - or you want him to be a different person, with a higher libido. Your refusal of 'duty sex' indicates the latter. If that's the case, you're rejecting him not just sexually but as a whole person. There would be no way back from this.

However, it's also possible you refused him out of vengeance, for all the times you feel sexually rejected by him. That's petty and unhelpful, but more easily rowed back with an apology.

I think you need to consider your mismatch more honestly.

Original poster
BlowDryRat · 15/10/2023 19:37

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 18:17

Your first line there seems odd - just because the dc aren’t his doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be part of the family. My eldest dc (now aged 20) is from my first marriage but dh has always been a step parent to her, your post makes it sound like you live quite separate lives and I’m wondering if that is underlying some of what’s bothering you?

Show quote history

Maybe I worded that post badly. He does lots with the DC but I do the logistics and just ask for help when I need it. He doesn't have to think, "I can't do parkrun because I need to take DS to football on Saturday mornings," for example.

Today I was really upset so just wasn't in the mood for sex. DH understood that and we had a snuggle on the sofa instead. It wasn't me trying to be petty.

OP posts:
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