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Original poster

DH never wants sex

37 replies

BlowDryRat · 14/10/2023 22:11

I need to talk to him properly about it. He's happy with sex once a month or even less often. I'm a several times a week kind of person. Sex only ever happens when he initiates it. If I try, he brushes me off like he thinks I'm a sex-crazed perve for wanting to have sex with my own husband.

I very rarely try to initiate sex because it hurts to be rejected every time. I definitely don't pester him, sulk or otherwise try to make him feel he has to have sex with me for a happy life. So we carry on having sex when he feels like it every few weeks and it works for him but it doesn't work for me. When we've talked about it, he just says he needs to feel 100% relaxed for it to happen.

I'm not looking for an open relationship. I'm very much in love with DH and I'm not remotely interested in having sex with anyone else.

Any ideas on where we go from here?

OP posts:
LoisSanger · 15/10/2023 19:47

DH and I don’t have sex any more. I go through stages of how I feel about it but it does make me feel undesirable (understandably I think!)

His mum died 3 years ago which affected his mental health badly and he’s been on anti depressants since then. Since I’ve known him (11 years) he’s had issues with ED which were treated with viagra but that was when he had desire for me which seemingly he doesn’t now. We haven’t had any attempts at sex for over a year now.

We’re in our late 40s/early 50s and although I suspected this might happen at some point I didn’t expect it was going to happen now. Am Okish at the moment about it comes and goes.

Disturbia81 · 15/10/2023 19:58

JIMMI85 · 15/10/2023 12:49

I think all too often men are perceived to have the higher sex drive, and want sex all the time but this really isn’t the case. If a man has a low sex drive, and doesn’t feel the need for intimacy as often as his partner would like quite often two assumptions are made, either he doesn’t fancy you anymore or he’s getting it elsewhere. Both of which are rarely true.

a man needs to be perhaps more in the mood for sex than a woman, as he needs to be more physically and mentally turned on in order to be able to ‘perform’. If a man has an occasion whereby he couldn’t perform , then it becomes a viscous circle.

it’s not nice being rejected, but it sounds like if you don’t instigate sex, then nothing will change. Find out why he has a lower sex drive, why he is happy with sex once a month and try and establish how you can both compromise.

personally, I could not have a relationship with sex that infrequent, and I would be asking questions and trying to find a solution. But, everyone is different.

This. Men are seen as sex maniacs so when they reject it feels worse. But it needs to be more well know that many men:

  • have low drive
  • can't be bothered
  • have health issues
  • stressed
  • low confidence
Etc
itsmyp4rty · 15/10/2023 20:16

The thing is if he doesn't want sex more than he is having it then there's nothing you can do to change that. He might make make the effort to have more sex to please you but it's not going to last because he'd only be doing it to please you. There is no compromise to be had in this situation, you can only have as much sex as the person who wants it least.

You have different sex drives, his has waned while yours hasn't. You can accept that, you can talk about getting more sex elsewhere or you can leave. But you can't make him want more sex than he wants. I also think you need to work on your self esteem so you're not so upset or feel so rejected/unattractive just because he has a lower sex drive.

dotdotdotdash · 15/10/2023 20:33

Ian Kerner, who wrote ‘When did you last Have Sex?’ (highly recommend it!) talks about people who need their desire to be activated and rarely feel like sex. So much good stuff in that book - have a read.

Dedsec2023 · 15/10/2023 20:34

i guess some have the "Drive" and others it fizzles

Pigeonqueen · 15/10/2023 21:01

GarlicGrace · 15/10/2023 19:10

He offered to have sex this afternoon but I told him I wasn't really interested in duty sex, so that's that.

OK, I absolutely understand this ... but. The pair of you have agreed and are aware of your greater desire for sex. As an aside, I'm really impressed by your relationship! So he's gone something like "I understand you want more sex and I'll try to meet you halfway. We've got some free time now, shall we do sex?"

You've told him that isn't good enough. Like I said, I do understand you but I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. You say "I want more sex." He replies "Okay, how about now?" You reject him.

Now, either you do, in fact, want duty sex - because you want him to meet your libido halfway - or you want him to be a different person, with a higher libido. Your refusal of 'duty sex' indicates the latter. If that's the case, you're rejecting him not just sexually but as a whole person. There would be no way back from this.

However, it's also possible you refused him out of vengeance, for all the times you feel sexually rejected by him. That's petty and unhelpful, but more easily rowed back with an apology.

I think you need to consider your mismatch more honestly.

I agree. If he doesn’t have the same drive as you then from his point of view it’s always going to be “duty sex”, because he’s going to be doing it to please you. And that’s okay, if he wants to, lots of people do that because they love their partner and know it’s important to them so they put the effort in. But you’re kidding yourself if you think his sex drive is suddenly going to change. It’s whether you can live with that or not.

GarlicGrace · 15/10/2023 21:02

@LoisSanger, antidepressants really clobber your libido. Apparently people vary in this regard, but I know I'm in the majority. Not all the prescriptions I tried had this effect - but the only ones that work do! My sex drive passes me twice a year or so, waves out the window and drives on by.

Makes sense when you think about it. They 'work' by flattening all of your feelings, not just the ones that were harming you. My really intense libido used to be part of who I am; it's odd (if more relaxing) to be without it, and I'm glad I'm not in a relationship. I try 'activating' it, get some of the way, then get tired & bored ...

If your DH is feeling more steady these days, he could talk to his doc about reducing and/or trying another variety. No guarantees, as depression also kills the libido. Wishing you both well.

LoisSanger · 15/10/2023 21:11

DH has tried different anti depressants but none have had the desired effect either on anti depressants grounds or sexual grounds! I have been on ADs which I did recently come off (very slowly) and DH has asked my advice on that )he is currently doing a very slow withdrawal) but we shall wait and see

Moogoopixie · 16/10/2023 02:28

When me and dp met sex was 5 times a day 7 years later its once a month or less often lol I do get annoyed at it but it's just what It is I suppose

acpk55 · 16/10/2023 07:31

GarlicGrace · 15/10/2023 19:10

He offered to have sex this afternoon but I told him I wasn't really interested in duty sex, so that's that.

OK, I absolutely understand this ... but. The pair of you have agreed and are aware of your greater desire for sex. As an aside, I'm really impressed by your relationship! So he's gone something like "I understand you want more sex and I'll try to meet you halfway. We've got some free time now, shall we do sex?"

You've told him that isn't good enough. Like I said, I do understand you but I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. You say "I want more sex." He replies "Okay, how about now?" You reject him.

Now, either you do, in fact, want duty sex - because you want him to meet your libido halfway - or you want him to be a different person, with a higher libido. Your refusal of 'duty sex' indicates the latter. If that's the case, you're rejecting him not just sexually but as a whole person. There would be no way back from this.

However, it's also possible you refused him out of vengeance, for all the times you feel sexually rejected by him. That's petty and unhelpful, but more easily rowed back with an apology.

I think you need to consider your mismatch more honestly.

100% agree with this ^^, i think you have made a mistake here OP, you have had a discussion about something you feel is lacking in your relationship, he has made an offer and you have turned him down.

SleepyJim · 17/10/2023 11:55

Would you both consider sex therapy together @BlowDryRat

It sounds like you are both struggling with things and I wonder if a safe environment where you can both be honest about how it is affecting you might help?

If he needs to feel 100% relaxed for it to happen, what is it that is making him not feel relaxed, and how can that be addressed?

Bittenonce · 24/02/2024 15:13

I'll throw in a man's opinion - though you probably won't like it.
I was in a marriage where I ended up not being interested - appreciate that not all men are the same, and for me there needed to be an emotional involvement rather than it just being a physical transaction - but it wasn't lack of libido, it was just not wanting her. And I don't think there was anything that could have changed that, for me anyway.
I'd have to question if the lack of sex is really a sign that there are deeper issues.

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