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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's out with another woman tonight....

44 replies

beigevase · 14/10/2023 20:20

I just know it.

Our marriage ended 2 weeks ago after 6 years and I know he's out with another woman tonight.

I've blocked him on everything except an email address I used set up to communicate about ds.

He's emotionally abusive, accused me many many times of doing things I haven't done, gives me the silent treatment, takes absolutely everything out on me. The story of the last 2 years is too long to write. I'm out, I'm doing the freedom programme, I'm still in therapy.

He is quite frankly obsessed with the idea of me finding someone else. Deep down I think that's what he wants so then he can feel less guilty about the way he's treated me. I don't even know if he feels guilty - probably more like he can be seen as the victim. He is always the victim. He will need a good story to move on to the next one. He can't be alone. He's already told me he will have someone else by Xmas. This is just what he does.

This morning he used the email address to send me a message. It said he would like it if I told him if and when I find someone else. He wants to know that I'll be happy.

This is a clear sign to me that he's up to something this weekend and he wants a clear conscious. He didn't want to have ds at all this weekend and hasn't seen him for almost 3 weeks now.

While I would never ever take him back, I feel utterly heartbroken that as I'm typing this he's doing who knows what with someone else. I'm almost certain that I know who it is too.

Writing here is better than contacting him which I won't do. I'm just having a weak moment. I've had a cry.

OP posts:
Jhvnnoo0008889837373 · 14/10/2023 20:24

Stay strong Op, you’re worth more than this and he wasn’t good enough for you.
Don’t respond or engage in conversation about anything else other than your son.
Don’t message first to ask him to see your son either, keep it short and simple.
Men like this thrive on reactions and he’s probably messing with your head further torturing you because he can’t have you back.
He will be someone else’s problem by Christmas that’s how I would look at it.
Take it easy on yourself and once you get through this cos trust me you will, you’ll feel like a different person.

Antst · 14/10/2023 20:24

He has no right to know about your private life. You're no longer together. Don't engage with his email in any way. Just ignore it. If you do engage, you'll feel upset and sad for longer.

You know what he is, so yes, it is possible he is with someone else. Continue not writing to him except when it's facts about arrangements for your child.

I hope you've organized activities for when your son is with him where you're having fun and getting out of the house.

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 20:28

Antst · 14/10/2023 20:24

He has no right to know about your private life. You're no longer together. Don't engage with his email in any way. Just ignore it. If you do engage, you'll feel upset and sad for longer.

You know what he is, so yes, it is possible he is with someone else. Continue not writing to him except when it's facts about arrangements for your child.

I hope you've organized activities for when your son is with him where you're having fun and getting out of the house.

I didn't respond to that part of the email. Only the part I needed too about ds. He didn't respond which again tells me everything I need to know.

He won't be having ds over night for a long time. Maybe just a few hours here and there but I want to meet in a public place, I don't want him at my house.

It's all such a rollercoaster. I don't want him. He makes me sick. But I just don't know why I feel so gutted that he's moving on so quick. It's not a surprise. I was always expecting it.

OP posts:
Norbi · 14/10/2023 20:28

Don’t waste tears on him. He sounds like a right dickhead. Honestly even if he does end up with someone else, it will be a blessing to you because he will probably stop hassling you. Block and ignore unless about your DS.

Antst · 14/10/2023 20:35

beigevase · 14/10/2023 20:28

I didn't respond to that part of the email. Only the part I needed too about ds. He didn't respond which again tells me everything I need to know.

He won't be having ds over night for a long time. Maybe just a few hours here and there but I want to meet in a public place, I don't want him at my house.

It's all such a rollercoaster. I don't want him. He makes me sick. But I just don't know why I feel so gutted that he's moving on so quick. It's not a surprise. I was always expecting it.

Show quote history

It's normal that you feel gutted. Your emotions need to catch up with events. You're upset and that will be sending your brain into overdrive.

This is why it's important to stay busy. You need to distract yourself so that your brain isn't dwelling on this. Do your best to make a list of activities you can turn to instead of thinking about this. Clean something. Do a YouTube yoga class. Go out somewhere (depending on your childcare obligations). if you have the child tomorrow, go out walking or throw a ball around at the park. Stay active.

Rousblouse · 14/10/2023 20:43

This is a process. There is no way around feelings, you have to pass through them. Be kind to yourself and very gentle with yourself as you get through this time of your life. The last few years I have been through some awful betrayal and while I have wanted it to be over and I have wanted to feel the “logical” way I should feel about the level of betrayal I experienced, it just does not work that way.

You are doing everything right, I promise it will pass but sometimes it does get worse before it gets better.

Know that you will get through it and come out much much stronger from the other side. People are often not as we would like them to be. They are complex and some are positively rotten, that cannot be avoided and spending your life with someone like that is much worse that the experience of walking through the coals to get over them.

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 20:59

Rousblouse · 14/10/2023 20:43

This is a process. There is no way around feelings, you have to pass through them. Be kind to yourself and very gentle with yourself as you get through this time of your life. The last few years I have been through some awful betrayal and while I have wanted it to be over and I have wanted to feel the “logical” way I should feel about the level of betrayal I experienced, it just does not work that way.

You are doing everything right, I promise it will pass but sometimes it does get worse before it gets better.

Know that you will get through it and come out much much stronger from the other side. People are often not as we would like them to be. They are complex and some are positively rotten, that cannot be avoided and spending your life with someone like that is much worse that the experience of walking through the coals to get over them.

Thank you. That does help. I'm literally doing what I always dreamed of doing tonight - a movie night just me and the dc. Just us. But instead of having a lovely evening all snuggled up, I'm fighting back the tears. I just want to get to a place where I don't care anymore

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 21:05

Sounds to me like hes been seeing someone well before you split up. That's a cheaters M.O. Hes deflecting , accusing you, because he knows what hes done with another woman inmho. The pushing you into finding someone else is so he doesnt feel so guilty about cheating and seeing someone else..he can then say 'well, youre seeing someone new'. Hes a manipulator. You're well rid.

SofiYol · 14/10/2023 21:17

You’ll get to that place of not giving a shit OP, I promise.

We always worry that they’ll change for the next woman, treat her properly, do all the things that you wanted from him. He won’t change. You know who he is, who he really is. He’s no prize. Men like him move on fast, but it’s not real. He’s someone else’s problem now.

Take the time to lick your wounds, focus on you and your child. It feels unfair now but he’ll remember who was there for him, who never let him down. A happier life for the both of you is getting closer by the day x

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:19

Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 21:05

Sounds to me like hes been seeing someone well before you split up. That's a cheaters M.O. Hes deflecting , accusing you, because he knows what hes done with another woman inmho. The pushing you into finding someone else is so he doesnt feel so guilty about cheating and seeing someone else..he can then say 'well, youre seeing someone new'. Hes a manipulator. You're well rid.

Edited

It wouldn't surprise me. We've been on and off for a couple of years and he did sleep with another woman while we were 'off'. She's the one I think he will have gone back too cos she really fell for him.

He's a narcissist so needs to have the next one lined up to replace me.

It's very painful but necessary

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:21

It gets easier with time. I was obsessing over who and where my ex fiancé might be just after we broke up (I was 8m pregnant at the time too!) but now less than a year later I don't think about it often at all. He's going on holiday soon and I didn't even ask where - I literally don't want to know or who with. I don't tell him anything about my social life (what little of it there is with a baby to look after!) either.
We went from totally emeshed with each other to like awkward colleagues now. It's possible and will get better you won't always care this much. Lots of love xxx

midnightblue12 · 14/10/2023 21:22

@beigevase I promise you, you will get to a place where you don't care.
And you'll look back and remember these nights and you will feel so proud of yourself.
I've been there OP. I promise you it won't be like this forever.
I just want to echo everything everyone else has said... do not engage in conversation (other then about children).
You'll be tempted but don't do it. Keep your space and your privacy. That is what will get you through.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:22

Ps IF he's out with someone else just pity her. She thinks she's met Prince Charming but her whole life will be ruined sooner or later if he's a narcissist. Better her than you! 💕

HopelesslyOptimistic · 14/10/2023 21:27

Don't give this fuck wit anymore of your energy. Delete the him from your life, silence is golden. Now go and enjoy your life, you found lovely 😀

HopelesslyOptimistic · 14/10/2023 21:28

Sound lovely

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:31

I could of written this! I caught my husband cheating 3 weeks ago today and I am pretty sure he is out with her tonight. I found their messages, I went looking because I suspected. I immediately told him I wanted a divorce so effectively we have split up but we are still living together and trying to sort out the finances etc. I am also pretty sure he stayed at hers the night after I found out.

He has been the king of gaslighting!

Just remember this one thing, you will not only be fine without him you will thrive!

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:32

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:22

Ps IF he's out with someone else just pity her. She thinks she's met Prince Charming but her whole life will be ruined sooner or later if he's a narcissist. Better her than you! 💕

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Exactly this!

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:32

SofiYol · 14/10/2023 21:17

You’ll get to that place of not giving a shit OP, I promise.

We always worry that they’ll change for the next woman, treat her properly, do all the things that you wanted from him. He won’t change. You know who he is, who he really is. He’s no prize. Men like him move on fast, but it’s not real. He’s someone else’s problem now.

Take the time to lick your wounds, focus on you and your child. It feels unfair now but he’ll remember who was there for him, who never let him down. A happier life for the both of you is getting closer by the day x

Thank you. This is probably my main concern. That she will be able to be that person that I couldn't. Who won't take any of his silent treatment and be scared of him like I was.

He's apparently going back to therapy too. He did this for 6 months and never changed so I don't know what would be different now.

I know it doesn't matter how he treats her. How he treated me is what matters. I'll never take him back. It's just sad.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:35

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:31

I could of written this! I caught my husband cheating 3 weeks ago today and I am pretty sure he is out with her tonight. I found their messages, I went looking because I suspected. I immediately told him I wanted a divorce so effectively we have split up but we are still living together and trying to sort out the finances etc. I am also pretty sure he stayed at hers the night after I found out.

He has been the king of gaslighting!

Just remember this one thing, you will not only be fine without him you will thrive!

Well done you and I'm so sorry you're going through this but there is so much peace happiness and love ahead for you in the future I promise 🩵

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:35

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:31

I could of written this! I caught my husband cheating 3 weeks ago today and I am pretty sure he is out with her tonight. I found their messages, I went looking because I suspected. I immediately told him I wanted a divorce so effectively we have split up but we are still living together and trying to sort out the finances etc. I am also pretty sure he stayed at hers the night after I found out.

He has been the king of gaslighting!

Just remember this one thing, you will not only be fine without him you will thrive!

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. These men are just horrific. The absolute worst! I really hope you're doing ok!

If not just watch toy story 3....that's what I'm doing now and it's a nice distraction. The wine is also helping obviously......

Sending all my love x

OP posts:
Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 21:37

Just because your marriage fell apart don't use the child to make scenes. What he does and what you do is now neither of your businesses.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:37

@beigevase just be careful the wine doesn't lead to texting 😂 although actually to be honest if it does and it makes you feel better to tell him what an asshole he is, as long as you don't say anything that could impact you financially or with the kids, then go for it unleash hell on him x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:37

Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 21:37

Just because your marriage fell apart don't use the child to make scenes. What he does and what you do is now neither of your businesses.

I think op knows this very well she is just venting as it hurts a lot

freetheunicorn1 · 14/10/2023 21:41

@beigevase my son loves Toy Story so I have seen all 4 about a million times 😂

But having a wine....

He is staying "at a hotel" tonight so at least I don't have to deal with that because he is a nasty drunk!

Big hugs to you too, we will both be better without them!

Original poster
beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:42

Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 21:37

Just because your marriage fell apart don't use the child to make scenes. What he does and what you do is now neither of your businesses.

I never have and I never ever would do this. My dc are my absolute world and the only thing keeping me going. But thanks anyway...

OP posts: