Page 2 | He's out with another woman tonight....

beigevase · 2023-10-14T19:20:49+00:00

I just know it. Our marriage ended 2 weeks ago after 6 years and I know he's out with another woman tonight. I've blocked him on everything except an email address I used set up to communicate about ds. He's emotionally abusive, accused me many many times of doing things I haven't done, gives me the silent treatment, takes absolutely everything out on me. The story of the last 2 years is too long to write. I'm out, I'm doing the freedom programme, I'm still in therapy. He is quite frankly obsessed with the idea of me finding someone else. Deep down I think that's what he wants so then he can feel less guilty about the way he's treated me. I don't even know if he feels guilty - probably more like he can be seen as the victim. He is always the victim. He will need a good story to move on to the next one. He can't be alone. He's already told me he will have someone else by Xmas. This is just what he does. This morning he used the email address to send me a message. It said he would like it if I told him if and when I find someone else. He wants to know that I'll be happy. This is a clear sign to me that he's up to something this weekend and he wants a clear conscious. He didn't want to have ds at all this weekend and hasn't seen him for almost 3 weeks now. While I would never ever take him back, I feel utterly heartbroken that as I'm typing this he's doing who knows what with someone else. I'm almost certain that I know who it is too. Writing here is better than contacting him which I won't do. I'm just having a weak moment. I've had a cry.

AbbeyGailsParty · 14/10/2023 21:44

One day you won’t care what he’s doing, who he’s with, he’ll be someone who’s your child’s father and nothing to you. It is a rollercoaster , you’ve hit that on the head, I was found sobbing in my car the morning after my exh told me he was engaged (6 months after we separated) I didn’t want to be married to him but it was still a shit feeling. You’ll go through phases but gradually you’ll smile more than you cry and you’ll realise he’s someone else’s pain in the arse now.

Original poster

beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:45

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:37

@beigevase just be careful the wine doesn't lead to texting 😂 although actually to be honest if it does and it makes you feel better to tell him what an asshole he is, as long as you don't say anything that could impact you financially or with the kids, then go for it unleash hell on him x

Oh it won't, I would have emailed by now if I was going to do it. I typed one out earlier but never sent it and posted on here instead. It's very tempting to do but it's not worth it. It will only send me and him into a backwards spiral and I will obviously get the blame for it seen as I started it. Grey rock is the way forward.

I also quite like it that he doesn't know what I'm doing.....which is watching Toy Story 😂😂 I don't want him thinking I'm sat miserable without him on a Saturday night.

OP posts:

TicTacNicNak · 14/10/2023 21:48

The irony that he's obsessed with you finding someone else, but isn't taking his turn parenting his DC to give you opportunity to do so!

You should be proud of yourself for getting free of this person, and for seeking therapy and doing the Freedom Programme. You're taking all the right steps to get yourself in a much better place for when the time is eventually right to seek a new relationship. How absolutely sad he is to be on to the next woman so soon. What a c**t he is.

Enjoy your film OP, and time with your DC. And the 🍷 of course! Cheers to your strength and firm resolve not to take him back x

Nicole1111 · 14/10/2023 21:48

If he is with another woman or moves on quickly you have to try and remember that is not in any way a reflection of your worth, it’s purely a reflection of him. I highly recommend getting the book overcoming low self esteem. It was an absolute game changer for me after a domestically abusive relationship left my self esteem in tatters. It’s on the nhs recommended reading list and is basically do it yourself cognitive behavioural therapy.

Original poster

beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:51

Nicole1111 · 14/10/2023 21:48

If he is with another woman or moves on quickly you have to try and remember that is not in any way a reflection of your worth, it’s purely a reflection of him. I highly recommend getting the book overcoming low self esteem. It was an absolute game changer for me after a domestically abusive relationship left my self esteem in tatters. It’s on the nhs recommended reading list and is basically do it yourself cognitive behavioural therapy.

Oh I'll have a look at that thank you. I did do a course on self esteem and I learnt quite a bit but putting into practice is a different story! Thank you!

OP posts:

Antst · 14/10/2023 21:55

beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:45

Oh it won't, I would have emailed by now if I was going to do it. I typed one out earlier but never sent it and posted on here instead. It's very tempting to do but it's not worth it. It will only send me and him into a backwards spiral and I will obviously get the blame for it seen as I started it. Grey rock is the way forward.

I also quite like it that he doesn't know what I'm doing.....which is watching Toy Story 😂😂 I don't want him thinking I'm sat miserable without him on a Saturday night.

Show quote history

Every experience you have where you're trying to enjoy something with your kids is like taking another step towards being happy. You might be having a hard time getting through the movie, but keep trying to do fun things and you'll get there eventually. Just stay busy.

Original poster

beigevase · 14/10/2023 21:55

TicTacNicNak · 14/10/2023 21:48

The irony that he's obsessed with you finding someone else, but isn't taking his turn parenting his DC to give you opportunity to do so!

You should be proud of yourself for getting free of this person, and for seeking therapy and doing the Freedom Programme. You're taking all the right steps to get yourself in a much better place for when the time is eventually right to seek a new relationship. How absolutely sad he is to be on to the next woman so soon. What a c**t he is.

Enjoy your film OP, and time with your DC. And the 🍷 of course! Cheers to your strength and firm resolve not to take him back x

He doesn't even ask how dc are. It's always just about how he is sorry, how he couldn't help any of it, how he wants us to be friends and me to be happy.....and of course....if there is anyone else.

The whole thing of me having to have someone else is such an insult. He has put me through hell, left me with trauma and high anxiety where I'm back in therapy and doing the freedom programme (he doesn't know this obviously) and he thinks I'll just go find someone else and be happy like I have nothing to recover from!

OP posts:

spookehtooth · 14/10/2023 22:04

That "obsession" with you finding someone else, and wanting to know if you do. I see that as a continuation of the abusive cycle and hindering your recovery. It's something I've seen before, and something that when I noticed myself doing it unintentionally, stopped. Reduced contact and avoided sharing unnecessary information that would do no good

Someoneonlyyouknow · 14/10/2023 22:08

If he's out with someone else already it's because he's too weak to be on his own. Toy Story sounds like much more fun than time with him. He's still trying to manipulate you. When you feel happy and strong in yourself and are ready to date again your ex doesn't need to know anything.

Antst · 14/10/2023 22:08

spookehtooth · 14/10/2023 22:04

That "obsession" with you finding someone else, and wanting to know if you do. I see that as a continuation of the abusive cycle and hindering your recovery. It's something I've seen before, and something that when I noticed myself doing it unintentionally, stopped. Reduced contact and avoided sharing unnecessary information that would do no good

Yup, sounds like he wants to continue being in control.

Original poster

beigevase · 14/10/2023 22:12

Someoneonlyyouknow · 14/10/2023 22:08

If he's out with someone else already it's because he's too weak to be on his own. Toy Story sounds like much more fun than time with him. He's still trying to manipulate you. When you feel happy and strong in yourself and are ready to date again your ex doesn't need to know anything.

Oh I won't tell him anything. I really couldn't think of anything worse than a new relationship. Strangely enough an old male school friend messaged me the other day on Facebook. I couldn't even reply because it felt wrong....and then I started thinking it was some sort of trap lol. It will be a long time for me I think....he will probably be on his 4th relationship after me by then!

OP posts:

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 22:26

He might be OP, what does it matter. He's either projecting or trying to wind you up. The best thing to do is minimal contact. Send a schedule for access and no other discussion. Can you get someone you trust to deal with that for you? You will start to feel better over time and your life will be so much better

CheekyHobson · 14/10/2023 22:28

It said he would like it if I told him if and when I find someone else. He wants to know that I'll be happy.

He doesn't even ask how dc are. It's always just about how he is sorry, how he couldn't help any of it, how he wants us to be friends and me to be happy.....and of course....if there is anyone else.

This is horrible and manipulative, and yes, I would say that you are spot-on with understanding that it's a way for him to justify his own cheating.

You can take back some of your power by calmly setting out some boundaries next time he presses for information. That might sound like this:

"Ex, now that we've separated, we're obviously going to move on with other people at some point. However, I don't think it's useful or appropriate for us to discuss our dating lives unless a relationship becomes serious enough that we're planning to introduce that person to DC as our new long-term partner.

I'm sure that, like me, you'll want to put DC first and not cause them confusion or upset by introducing them to dating partners unless you're very sure that person will be a long-term presence in DC's life. I personally won't be introducing any new partner to DC within [insert your preferred time frame, eg the first year of dating them]. You can choose your own timeframe, of course, but you shouldn't expect to hear anything from me about a new partner for more than [timeframe above] at the very least. And I'd appreciate it if you stop asking me whether I'm dating. I don't need or want to know if you are seeing anyone, and won't be asking you about it."

This will give him the message to back off asking about your dating life, and sets an expectation that if he's introducing the DC to anyone new within the next year, you will probably not be impressed.

Mydogmybestfriend · 14/10/2023 22:30

He's someone else's problem you should be happy not heartbroken

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2023 23:17

I know it doesn't matter how he treats her. How he treated me is what matters.

The thing is, he didnt always treat you like that did he? Back in the early days he treated you like a princess, men like that always do. If he hadnt, you wouldnt have glossed over those odd moments that made you feel uncomfortable because he was still perfect 99% of the time.....but then it was 95% then 80% and so on.

You are now out the other side and on your incredible journey of recovery (done it myself, it is incredible to wake up every single day feeling even better than you did yesterday!). She is one day one of her descent into the hell that he will create for her. And from what you have said about her falling hard for him, she wont see or want to see any red flags. That poor cow has it all coming. You have it all behind you and that is a wonderful thing to realise.

Maybe the pain is as much from realising that despite everything you did, all your tried, all the appeasing, all the love, all the understanding....he hasnt changed one little bit. You see them together and see you all those years ago, except you have changed and he hasnt. Nothing you did changed him. Because nothing will change him short of death. This is what and who he is. She isnt what you "couldnt be", she is what you were then.....a victim in waiting. Some people say that "Love conquers all" well people who say that have clearly never encounted an abuser or a narcissist!

SofiYol · 15/10/2023 08:45

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2023 23:17

I know it doesn't matter how he treats her. How he treated me is what matters.

The thing is, he didnt always treat you like that did he? Back in the early days he treated you like a princess, men like that always do. If he hadnt, you wouldnt have glossed over those odd moments that made you feel uncomfortable because he was still perfect 99% of the time.....but then it was 95% then 80% and so on.

You are now out the other side and on your incredible journey of recovery (done it myself, it is incredible to wake up every single day feeling even better than you did yesterday!). She is one day one of her descent into the hell that he will create for her. And from what you have said about her falling hard for him, she wont see or want to see any red flags. That poor cow has it all coming. You have it all behind you and that is a wonderful thing to realise.

Maybe the pain is as much from realising that despite everything you did, all your tried, all the appeasing, all the love, all the understanding....he hasnt changed one little bit. You see them together and see you all those years ago, except you have changed and he hasnt. Nothing you did changed him. Because nothing will change him short of death. This is what and who he is. She isnt what you "couldnt be", she is what you were then.....a victim in waiting. Some people say that "Love conquers all" well people who say that have clearly never encounted an abuser or a narcissist!

Absolutely this!

TicTac80 · 15/10/2023 09:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 21:22

Ps IF he's out with someone else just pity her. She thinks she's met Prince Charming but her whole life will be ruined sooner or later if he's a narcissist. Better her than you! 💕

this is sooo true! XH had an OW. We had other issues as well (a lot of issues - mainly about him drinking, drug taking etc - so good job we split), but finding out about OW floored me. Both XH and her were bloody awful to me.

Anyway, within 4 months of them moving in together, they'd split (big dramatic nasty split). And OW (she was actually a friend of mine) came crying back with her sob story of their split, basically looking for sympathy and support. XH came crawling back too, wanting to "try again". Both narcissists frankly. I told them both to GTF.

I hope you're feeling better today. It's ok to feel sad. You'd married him thinking xyz, instead abc happened. After we split, I forced myself to say yes to as many invites from friends/family that I was able to. That helped. I also filed for divorce quickly. As the months went on, I felt better about things. Four years on and I'm single and very happy. My DC are happy and settled too. I do get sad at rare times (when we met/married XH was a lovely guy - no alcohol/drug issues - I wish he could have stayed like that), but I don't regret the split. Life's bloody wonderful!

Take courage, give things time and you/DC will be ok. xx

PS I love that you have blocked him and only communicate re: DC via email. Find yourself a lawyer, get your paperwork/info all together and get the ball rolling. Any nonsense from XH, let your lawyer deal with it. Mine was bloody amazing and wiped the floor with XH (due to his shitty behaviour).

EnglishPearFreesia · 15/10/2023 14:18

Dear OP. I think you are looking at this in the wrong way. You need to have pity on the woman he's seeing, after all, isn't she his next victim? As you say, you've been set free. Focus more on rebuilding YOUR life and being happy. In time, you will meet someone good for you and your son and you do NOT need to tell him anything. It's none of his business and you owe him nothing. All the best xx

Myfabby · 15/10/2023 15:10

CheekyHobson · 14/10/2023 22:28

It said he would like it if I told him if and when I find someone else. He wants to know that I'll be happy.

He doesn't even ask how dc are. It's always just about how he is sorry, how he couldn't help any of it, how he wants us to be friends and me to be happy.....and of course....if there is anyone else.

This is horrible and manipulative, and yes, I would say that you are spot-on with understanding that it's a way for him to justify his own cheating.

You can take back some of your power by calmly setting out some boundaries next time he presses for information. That might sound like this:

"Ex, now that we've separated, we're obviously going to move on with other people at some point. However, I don't think it's useful or appropriate for us to discuss our dating lives unless a relationship becomes serious enough that we're planning to introduce that person to DC as our new long-term partner.

I'm sure that, like me, you'll want to put DC first and not cause them confusion or upset by introducing them to dating partners unless you're very sure that person will be a long-term presence in DC's life. I personally won't be introducing any new partner to DC within [insert your preferred time frame, eg the first year of dating them]. You can choose your own timeframe, of course, but you shouldn't expect to hear anything from me about a new partner for more than [timeframe above] at the very least. And I'd appreciate it if you stop asking me whether I'm dating. I don't need or want to know if you are seeing anyone, and won't be asking you about it."

This will give him the message to back off asking about your dating life, and sets an expectation that if he's introducing the DC to anyone new within the next year, you will probably not be impressed.

Please don't write him this.

What are you doing re NC except about the kids - exchanges etc is perfect. You cannot dictate when /how he should introduce anyone he's dating and neither can he.

Don't engage him, don't have any expectations of him.

Take some time to heal and take care of yourself.