Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been stupid, I just cant move on from him! Help me move on

43 replies

loveacuddle1 · 14/10/2023 16:03

Hello everyone.
I have posted quite a few times previosuly about a guy I was FWB with who I developed feelings for. I ended things in April when it was clear he didn't want a relationship but I have been unable to move on. Tried OLD - unsuccessful. I have thrown myself into exercise and have really tried to forget this original guy.

Anyway, our sons are friends (obviously they dont know anything) and I was chatting to him at a recent activity they both do - all very superficial, and all fine. I asked if he could help me with something (I really did want his advice as it is a field he works in) and I went round for dinner. Before the dinner he started flirting again via text and I made it clear I didnt want to go back to FWB as that just isnt for me. He accepted that and we agreed to a platonic dinner.

Anyway, dinner was lovely, he'd clearly put a lot of effort in. He was so kind and really gave me some good advice (which was the reason I went round). The topic of realtionships came up and I said it was a shame we couldnt give it a go and he basically said that he has had bad expereinces and doesnt want a relatonship. He cant see himself settling with anyone. Fair enough, conversation over - though I did point out it was a shame I was being tarnished by his previous bad experiences. He made it clear he was very attracted to me and thinks I'm lovely but didnt budge on the relationship topic.

Dinner finshes, I get up to go, quick hug goodbye and before I know it we're kissing and I end up sleeping with him. I know it was the wrong thing to do and I don't need everybody telling me off and judging me - believe me, I feel like an idiot. I just really really like this guy. We really get on, the chemistry is great. he sent me a lovely message the next day. I just feel like its a shame he wont give us a chnace.

I desperately need to move on from him. I know I do. It was 6 months since I last saw him and I still havent moved on. That's what I need help with lovely people - please. He wants to be friends and one of the things he said was that we're good frineds and he wouldnt want to ruin that by starting a relationship and it ending badly. I will see him around on occasion, I cant completely avoid him.

Thank you x

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 14/10/2023 16:18

You can't be friends. It's that simple.

If you really, really, really have to see him then make sure there is another person present. That is one of the reasons where you went wrong last time.

minieggsandmaltesers · 14/10/2023 16:24

Well he's using you for sex. You won't get anything more from this and there is potential for the kids to be hurt too.
You can't be friends here so I'd move on

Charlingspont · 14/10/2023 16:25

In your heart of hearts, did you 'ask him for advice' in order to get him to spend time with you again? You then had dinner with him (not sure why his advice required dinner). Did you get specially dressed up for dinner? Be honest. Then you slept with him, maybe hoping he'd realise how great you are for him.

What he wants and what you want are not compatible. As the pp says, don't see him unless chaperoned.

funbags3 · 14/10/2023 16:26

Sounds as if he's making his past an excuse not to commit instead of telling the truth that he wants a fuck buddy.

WYorkshireRose · 14/10/2023 16:31

Trust me OP, when the right person comes along he'll jump straight into a relationship. It's just that for whatever reason, that person isn't you. End any one-on-one contact immediately along with any calls, messages, etc and seek advice from someone else in future.

Cumbrianlife · 14/10/2023 16:41

and there was no other person who could possibly have helped? At least be honest with yourself.

User63847439572 · 14/10/2023 16:46

He’s not nice.
Anyone decent would have respected what you said about not wanting to be FWB and would not have got physical with you again. It’s like he thought, oh yeah but she doesn’t mean it.

FedUpOfItA · 14/10/2023 16:48

He doesn't want a relationship. That's absolutely fine. The problem is that you do. The only way is to brutal. Block him if you can and if you see don't talk to him.

Let him fuck up his life by being a single, miserable old git (most men become this way if they're single as they're unable to look after themselves). You don't need to be a part of it.

Catsafterme · 14/10/2023 16:54

This connection that you are feeling seems to me to be one sided. If you had a connection he would be willing to start a relationship with you.

He knows you have feelings for him and instead of acknowledging that by either starting a relationship with you or by keeping this friendly, he's using that to take advantage.

A genuine guy wouldn't do this, you are being used and to be honest you would be better off not being friends because you'll just be kept on a hook going forward.

nodneat · 14/10/2023 17:07

From experience the only way is no contact, make a commitment to yourself. I'm not judging you, you were pulled back in, but you knew what you were doing. Be kind to yourself it will take time and effort to get over him

BMW6 · 14/10/2023 17:11

OP he's really NOT a nice guy. In fact he's an absolute BASTARD.

You've made it clear that you really want a proper relationship with him, not just FWB.

You've now thrown yourself at him again (cringe) and he fucked you yet again knowing that he's going to hurt you by rejecting you except fir casual sex.

What "good" person does that???

Where is your dignity? He's never ever going to want to be with you for anything other than a fuck. You'll do for that.

I'm deliberately being harsh with you because you really need to WAKE UP.

Your son can stay mates with his but you need to treat this bloke like he's radioactive. With a bad dose of the clap (and speaking of that get yourself checked out, he's a player and God knows where he's been)

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 17:12

Charlingspont · 14/10/2023 16:25

In your heart of hearts, did you 'ask him for advice' in order to get him to spend time with you again? You then had dinner with him (not sure why his advice required dinner). Did you get specially dressed up for dinner? Be honest. Then you slept with him, maybe hoping he'd realise how great you are for him.

What he wants and what you want are not compatible. As the pp says, don't see him unless chaperoned.

This.

Brocollimatilda · 14/10/2023 17:31

Not judging - you are both single and didn’t do anything that would harm anyone else so there is nothing to judge.

Clearly it is not good for you though. I would advise just going as zero contact as you can. Eventually you will get over him but until then contact will just upset you. It’s hard OP.

Pinkshoppingbag · 14/10/2023 17:35

You completely enabled this happening. I don't see how his advice required a cosy dinner for two at his place. As others have said you can't be friends with him. Pleasantries is as far as you can go if you can't trust yourself to say no if these situations arise. You want different things and he's getting what he wants.

PierceMorgansChin · 14/10/2023 17:43

He is ready for relationship, just not with you. The 'asking for advice' and agreeing for dinner was an obvious attempt on your part to change his mind. Have some self respect and leave the man be. He does not want you

something2say · 14/10/2023 17:54

Harsh!!!!!

BUT.

If you really want to leave this guy behind, you have a few bridges to cross, a few weeks of feeling shit and empty. You need to avoid him, not contact him, not make excuses to see him, try your best NOT to have to see him, and suffer it out.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be, but he obviously must not, so gather up and move on xx I promise there is another man around the corner.

singleagaing · 14/10/2023 18:28

Trust me OP, when the right person comes along he'll jump straight into a relationship. It's just that for whatever reason, that person isn't you.

I disagree with this

It’s not personal - it’s not you, OP

I have dated TONNES of men who simply don’t want a relationship

It doesn’t matter how hot the woman is, how young, how much chemistry they have etc

He may date for some weeks or months

But if a guy is simply not open for a relationship, there’s no budging - until he is

Don’t take it personally, OP

I’m sure you’re lovely and great, as he says you are

You will get over him, time is a great healer

I would limit any time you spend with him

There will be someone out there for you and it’ll be much better than what this guy can offer you

Trust in it

Original poster
loveacuddle1 · 14/10/2023 18:39

Thank you everyone.
It was me who initiated kissing, I just really like him!
I think you’re all right though, I need to stay away and not be alone with him.
to be honest the sex wasn’t that great on this particular occasion (it’s been much better before) it was all a bit rushed. He’s even said anyone would be lucky to have me so that’s even clearer that he means not him!

thank you, I needed to hear this

OP posts:
WYorkshireRose · 14/10/2023 18:45

singleagaing · 14/10/2023 18:28

Trust me OP, when the right person comes along he'll jump straight into a relationship. It's just that for whatever reason, that person isn't you.

I disagree with this

It’s not personal - it’s not you, OP

I have dated TONNES of men who simply don’t want a relationship

It doesn’t matter how hot the woman is, how young, how much chemistry they have etc

He may date for some weeks or months

But if a guy is simply not open for a relationship, there’s no budging - until he is

Don’t take it personally, OP

I’m sure you’re lovely and great, as he says you are

You will get over him, time is a great healer

I would limit any time you spend with him

There will be someone out there for you and it’ll be much better than what this guy can offer you

Trust in it

But if a guy is simply not open for a relationship, there’s no budging - until he is

You said you disagree, but you're agreeing with my point Confused If OP was truly the right person for this guy, he'd be open to having a relationship, but he isn't... because she's not. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with OP, but he clearly doesn't seem her as a keeper for him.

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 18:47

singleagaing · 14/10/2023 18:28

Trust me OP, when the right person comes along he'll jump straight into a relationship. It's just that for whatever reason, that person isn't you.

I disagree with this

It’s not personal - it’s not you, OP

I have dated TONNES of men who simply don’t want a relationship

It doesn’t matter how hot the woman is, how young, how much chemistry they have etc

He may date for some weeks or months

But if a guy is simply not open for a relationship, there’s no budging - until he is

Don’t take it personally, OP

I’m sure you’re lovely and great, as he says you are

You will get over him, time is a great healer

I would limit any time you spend with him

There will be someone out there for you and it’ll be much better than what this guy can offer you

Trust in it

The fact is, we don't know. He may jump into a relationship for the right woman. He may genuinely not want a relationship. It's north worth pondering. He doesn't want a relationship with OP and ultimately that's all that matters.

OP don't be hard on yourself. It's so hard to stop having feelings and hope when the person is in your life. I realise it's hard to get him out of your life with your DSs being friend but really limit your contact

singleagaing · 14/10/2023 18:50

WYorkshireRose I don’t want to derail OP’s thread but we fundamentally disagree. I’m saying it’s about timing and the man, not a reflection on the woman, while you’re saying it’s about the individual woman being right or wrong for the man.

DatingDinosaur · 14/10/2023 19:01

“I just really like him!”

And he’s using that knowledge to his advantage.

“He wants to be friends and one of the things he said was that we're good frineds and he wouldnt want to ruin that by starting a relationship”

Yet you can’t be just friends because it’s ruining your hopes of starting a relationship.

You say you don’t want to do a FWB with him, yet that’s exactly what you are to him and what you’re allowing yourself to be. So he’s getting it all his way and you’re left wanting more. Hoping that this time, next time, the time after will be “it” and he’ll come to his senses.

Stop looking for excuses to see him. Stop throwing yourself at him. Of course he’s not going to turn down a no strings shag when he’s made it perfectly clear he Doesn’t Do Relationships and you still throw yourself at him. And for what? Shit sex. Again.

Bluela18 · 14/10/2023 19:10

It's a really difficult situation to be in. He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship, but he seems happy to carry on having sex with you only, either you continue with the fwb or cut him off completely. Ive been in this situation and its very hurtful and frustrating and as long as you end up in bed together it's going to keep hurting you. I cut the guy off in my situation been good 6 months and he barely crosses my mind now. It will get easier.

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 19:16

@loveacuddle1

Even in the unlikely event that he was the only person in your universe who could have given you advice on that subject, you should have chosen a public setting.

The easy solution is to never put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him. If you have so little self control, then the alternative is to control your environment.

He has no impetus to stop having sex with you, because he knows that for him it will lead to nothing more. You won't accept his statement that he does not want a relationship with you and that makes you the person with the problem.

The only solution is for you to stay out of his orbit. If you have to be at school or sporting events do not sit near him. If he is alone, do not speak to him. Ask that he not speak to you if you are alone.

The 2 of you cannot be friends, because at this point ,you are not prepared to be his friend. You want more and until your self control or dignity takes hold, you should avoid him as much as possible.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 19:25

He wants to be friends and one of the things he said was that we're good frineds and he wouldnt want to ruin that by starting a relationship and it ending badly.

Ah yes, the old "I value your friendship and don't want to ruin it" bollocks. Translated, that means "I just want to fuck you when I feel like it without offering any commitment to you whatsoever. Take it or leave it."

Sorry, to break it to you, but when his Miss Right comes along, he'll be Mr. Commitment in the blink of an eye.

You are actually allowing this man to use you. Stop it.