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Original poster

I've been stupid, I just cant move on from him! Help me move on

43 replies

loveacuddle1 · 14/10/2023 16:03

Hello everyone.
I have posted quite a few times previosuly about a guy I was FWB with who I developed feelings for. I ended things in April when it was clear he didn't want a relationship but I have been unable to move on. Tried OLD - unsuccessful. I have thrown myself into exercise and have really tried to forget this original guy.

Anyway, our sons are friends (obviously they dont know anything) and I was chatting to him at a recent activity they both do - all very superficial, and all fine. I asked if he could help me with something (I really did want his advice as it is a field he works in) and I went round for dinner. Before the dinner he started flirting again via text and I made it clear I didnt want to go back to FWB as that just isnt for me. He accepted that and we agreed to a platonic dinner.

Anyway, dinner was lovely, he'd clearly put a lot of effort in. He was so kind and really gave me some good advice (which was the reason I went round). The topic of realtionships came up and I said it was a shame we couldnt give it a go and he basically said that he has had bad expereinces and doesnt want a relatonship. He cant see himself settling with anyone. Fair enough, conversation over - though I did point out it was a shame I was being tarnished by his previous bad experiences. He made it clear he was very attracted to me and thinks I'm lovely but didnt budge on the relationship topic.

Dinner finshes, I get up to go, quick hug goodbye and before I know it we're kissing and I end up sleeping with him. I know it was the wrong thing to do and I don't need everybody telling me off and judging me - believe me, I feel like an idiot. I just really really like this guy. We really get on, the chemistry is great. he sent me a lovely message the next day. I just feel like its a shame he wont give us a chnace.

I desperately need to move on from him. I know I do. It was 6 months since I last saw him and I still havent moved on. That's what I need help with lovely people - please. He wants to be friends and one of the things he said was that we're good frineds and he wouldnt want to ruin that by starting a relationship and it ending badly. I will see him around on occasion, I cant completely avoid him.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 14/10/2023 19:40

You absolutely cannot be friends. You are way too invested for that. He is not as nice as you think he is and really doesn't care about your feelings. And you are kidding yourself if you think you arranged to meet just for dinner and advice, as you now probably realise.
Its very hard when you have chemistry and want more but he has made it plain that he won't commit to a relationship. All you can do is go completely no contact. It will be tough but its the only way to get over him.

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:10

@Aquamarine1029
If he is wise enough to recognize that they are not Mr and Ms Right for each other how does that make him a user. It just might make him a man who wants to spare a friend a lot of heartache.

Many adults FWBs because they recognize that love, commitment, and sex are 3 different things and you can have any one of those things without the other or you can have them altogether.

He recognizes that the OP wants all three and he is honest enough to say that at this time he can only offer 1 of those things. That hardly makes him a user.

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 20:14

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:10

@Aquamarine1029
If he is wise enough to recognize that they are not Mr and Ms Right for each other how does that make him a user. It just might make him a man who wants to spare a friend a lot of heartache.

Many adults FWBs because they recognize that love, commitment, and sex are 3 different things and you can have any one of those things without the other or you can have them altogether.

He recognizes that the OP wants all three and he is honest enough to say that at this time he can only offer 1 of those things. That hardly makes him a user.

Because knowing that the op wants more and knowing she is emotionally invested an honourable person would not engage in any more sexual activity. He should have said no.

nodneat · 14/10/2023 20:15

agree with @potatoheads weak man

Missingmyusername · 14/10/2023 20:23

It’s neither here nor there if he actually stays single forever or if he does get in to a relationship at some point. He doesn’t want a relationship with you, he’s been honest with you. You initiated kissing and being a typical man, he’s jumped into bed with you. He doesn’t need to have a relationship with you, he’s having his cake and eating it!

Now you feel hurt and you’re back to square one, you have to get over him all over again. There was never any need to have a meal together to ask advice- because phones.

One day you’ll back and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him and why you wasted so much time hoping he would change his mind.

Stop putting yourself on a platter for him. If he was a nice person he wouldn’t continue seeing you, because he must know he’s hurting you, that’s not friendship.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 20:30

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:10

@Aquamarine1029
If he is wise enough to recognize that they are not Mr and Ms Right for each other how does that make him a user. It just might make him a man who wants to spare a friend a lot of heartache.

Many adults FWBs because they recognize that love, commitment, and sex are 3 different things and you can have any one of those things without the other or you can have them altogether.

He recognizes that the OP wants all three and he is honest enough to say that at this time he can only offer 1 of those things. That hardly makes him a user.

It just might make him a man who wants to spare a friend a lot of heartache.

This is not how you treat a friend. You do not keep having sex with a friend when you know their feelings are a lot deeper than yours are and you know they want much more than just friendship. It's called having respect and integrity. This man doesn't have either. He is taking advantage of her and he knows it.

I'll save my admiration for someone who deserves it.

singleagaing · 14/10/2023 20:31

One day you’ll back and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him and why you wasted so much time hoping he would change his mind.

exactly this ⬆️

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:45

@Aquamarine1029
The respect that is lacking here is self respect. The man has made it abundantly clear that there is.no possibility of his entering into a relationship with the OP.

At this point is not abusing or raping the OP. He is, after having made his position abundantly clear, simply accepting what she is freely offering.

I agree with you that there is a lack of respect in play in this scenario but it is a lack of self respect. It appears that the OP is hopefully that just the right sexual encounter will somehow change his mind.

We can assume that both parties have consented to and did enjoy the experience. So nothing more than a consensual encounter happened between 2 consenting adults. No one was used or misleading. There was no predator and no victim just 2 people engaging with 2 different outcomes in mind.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/10/2023 20:55

I don't think you have been stupid. I think He is absolutely unscrupulous.

You've said No,
but he thinks that for you no does not mean no.
Where have we heard that one before?

You say very clearly I don't want FWB.
He keeps pushing until it happens anyway.

What would a long-term relationship be with someone who thinks like that? Seriously OP think about it.

You've seen him as an ideal, But that is not who he really is, it may seem like it on the surface when he makes an but it's not an effort aimed at starting a mutual relationship. It's an effort to persuade you into FWB for a night.

He knows that he only has to give you a tiny push to make you lose your self-control and give in again. That's why he is saying can we be friends.

A decent person wouldn't do that. He sees you as someone he can charm into doing what he wants almost against your will. He gets a kick out of this and I think he enjoys knowing that you find him irresistible despite the fact that it is against your best interests. It is actually very controlling and manipulative. He would be a horrible partner.

You are an addict where he is concerned. You can't be friends with him. YOu have to go cold turkey and move on or you will continue to be hurt, and that would close down chances of making another connection with someone who does want a relationship. Sorry OP I know that is hard to hear, but you will be happier if he is out of the picture.

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 21:33

@potatoheads
What honor should the OP be bringing to the table. If the genders were reversed some posters would by now have said that the OP was using sex to try and coerce her friend into a relationship.

This situation is just 2 consenting adults having sex with one of them hoping that it will result in an orgasm and the other hoping that it will result in a relationship. Nothing more profound than that is happening.

There is no predatory behavior or victimization happening.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:04

He doesn't want to ruin the friendship with a relationship, but he is willing to ruin it with a situationship that makes you anxious and unhappy. Chemistry is sometimes just stress op - the racing heartbeat of anxiety.

If you're not up for fwb then don't see him. You could have got that advice from someone else x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:09

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:45

@Aquamarine1029
The respect that is lacking here is self respect. The man has made it abundantly clear that there is.no possibility of his entering into a relationship with the OP.

At this point is not abusing or raping the OP. He is, after having made his position abundantly clear, simply accepting what she is freely offering.

I agree with you that there is a lack of respect in play in this scenario but it is a lack of self respect. It appears that the OP is hopefully that just the right sexual encounter will somehow change his mind.

We can assume that both parties have consented to and did enjoy the experience. So nothing more than a consensual encounter happened between 2 consenting adults. No one was used or misleading. There was no predator and no victim just 2 people engaging with 2 different outcomes in mind.

I agree with this. Although @Aquamarine1029 is right that if he was a REALLY honorable guy he'd have backed off, very few single men are going to turn down the chance of a shag with an attractive woman who is in their home kissing them. The responsibility of looking after OP's heart rests with OP and she is also the only one responsible for her boundaries - if she doesn't respect her own boundaries why would the man. He might feel like they're playing some fun games.

Acornsoup · 14/10/2023 22:22

You walked right into the trap you made for yourself. You are looking for more and he is not it. Stop giving this man time in your head OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 22:49

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 20:45

@Aquamarine1029
The respect that is lacking here is self respect. The man has made it abundantly clear that there is.no possibility of his entering into a relationship with the OP.

At this point is not abusing or raping the OP. He is, after having made his position abundantly clear, simply accepting what she is freely offering.

I agree with you that there is a lack of respect in play in this scenario but it is a lack of self respect. It appears that the OP is hopefully that just the right sexual encounter will somehow change his mind.

We can assume that both parties have consented to and did enjoy the experience. So nothing more than a consensual encounter happened between 2 consenting adults. No one was used or misleading. There was no predator and no victim just 2 people engaging with 2 different outcomes in mind.

Who said anything about rape? JFC.

Mari9999 · 14/10/2023 23:06

@Aquamarine1029
Others were suggesting that the man in question was doing something wrong or taking advantage of the OP. Absent rape or physical force, this is just run of the.mill sex between 2 single consenting adults.

Topee · 14/10/2023 23:15

I was in a similar position, finally told my FWB I had feelings for him but he didn’t want a relationship but thought I was great yadda yadda.

FIVE YEARS I allowed myself to be used by him, thinking he’d eventually change his mind and see we were meant to be.

What actually happened is he met someone else, the ‘with benefits’ bit stopped, they moved in together and she was pregnant within a year. They’re still together many years later. Moral of the story was he did want a relationship, just not with me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2023 23:26

I don't think you have been stupid. I think He is absolutely unscrupulous.

You've said No,
but he thinks that for you no does not mean no.
Where have we heard that one before?

You say very clearly I don't want FWB.
He keeps pushing until it happens anyway.

Bit much don’t you think? She asked him for advice. She accepted an invitation to an unnecessary dinner. She tried to talk him into dating her properly. She kissed him first. She enthusiastically had sex with him. Presumably thinking he’d change his mind about dating her even though he’d been clear it won’t happen.

You’ve presumably actually read what she’s written then decided to ignore it anyway and paint him as a near rapist and her as an innocent victim.

Can’t see how it’s helping her.

Mylifehasimploded · 14/10/2023 23:47

@Topee 2 years for me, he’s now met ‘the one’ and discarded me. Mine also didn’t want a relationship, told me all kinds of things as to why, but he just doesn’t want one with me. No contact is hard, but it’s the only way. My self respect went right out the window for 2 years

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