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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your partner said in an argument “you’d better get out before I do something we both regret”!

44 replies

Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 11:49

It was in the family home. I was telling him that I think our relationship is over. He always blames me for everything and I’d had enough.

He then said shouting at me and goading me towards the front door “you’d better get out before I do something we both regret”.

I obviously left but what on earth was he insinuating?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 14/10/2023 11:50

That he'd assault you is how I'd interpret that.

Wailywailywaily · 14/10/2023 11:51

He is threatening you with violence

pilates · 14/10/2023 11:52

Yes, that has confirmed you have done the right thing. Leave asap. It does sound like he was insinuating physical aggression.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 14/10/2023 11:52

I obviously left but what on earth was he insinuating?
C'mon OP this is a very common phrase someone uses while making a threat.
How many of these "what did he possibly mean with this obviously abusive phrase?" threads is it going to take before you dump this abuser and block him from your life? It's been months (that I'm aware of).

Jhvnnoo0008889837373 · 14/10/2023 11:55

He was threatening you with violence, do you have children together op?

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 11:57

He has said he was just angry and upset and that he obviously would not have done anything. He looked very angry though, enough for me to leave. I took our child with me. He wants to see him.

Ive been angry before but never wanted to hurt someone. I wasn’t sure if he was warning me or if he was scared of himself at that point. Either way it’s over.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 14/10/2023 11:58

He was threatening to hit you. Get yourself away from him.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 11:58

@SisterMichaelsHabit I haven’t posted before but sounds like it’s common then. I felt like he was scared of himself.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 14/10/2023 12:11

Absolutely agree with all of the above posts. He sounds potentially physically abusive.

What the argument was about?

Jhvnnoo0008889837373 · 14/10/2023 12:14

Stick to your decision op and don’t go back, a line has been massively crossed when a threat like that has been made.
Guys like this build up on actions and threats like these to see how much they can get away with to control you and then they do escalate to violence and they use the cop out well you pushed me to it I did warn you.
Classic behaviours of an abuser, I’m not sure what the way forward is for your child together though, can a family member do impartial drop offs and collections for you so you don’t have to see him?
I really hope your okay

Blubbled · 14/10/2023 12:21

I'm very glad you've resolved it's over and that you took your child and left. Please stay away from him now. As another poster says, abusive men escalate and they usually do try to make out they "didn't mean it2 if one takes a threat they make seriously! They did mean it though and it's a warning shot we should always take deadly seriously!
Regarding him seeing your child, I think you should seek legal advice. They may say he should only see your child in a contact centre but even if not, do NOT, under any circumstances allow it unless in public with either a family member or friend with you. Do not be alone with that man and never allow him to have your child alone either!
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you can build a decent, peaceful life for your child and yourself! All the best OP!

AbbeyGailsParty · 14/10/2023 12:21

Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 11:58

@SisterMichaelsHabit I haven’t posted before but sounds like it’s common then. I felt like he was scared of himself.

That sounds like a deflection . He made you think he was scared of himself I.E out of control so when he hit you it wouldn’t be his fault ( in his head)
Manipulative man threatening violence. Move out and only have contact to make child arrangements. Have someone with you when he collects and returns dc. He’ll try to sweet talk you round to going back, it’s usually the next step.

Gnomegnomegnome · 14/10/2023 12:23

I obviously left but what on earth was he insinuating?

What do you think he was insinuating?

perfectcolourfound · 14/10/2023 12:35

Surely you know that he was threatening violence.

But you've already decided you're leaving him, so it shouldn't change anything.

itsmyp4rty · 14/10/2023 12:36

He was saying leave before I hit you. There is no other answer so I don't understand why you seem not to have any idea what he could have meant.

Cornettoninja · 14/10/2023 12:42

You left and took your dc with you. You understood what he was insinuating.

I think that now you’re looking for alternative explanation because the truth is overwhelming and awful.

Don’t talk yourself out of what you understood within the context of the moments you lived. Communication is more than words and you understood him perfectly.

Original poster
Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 12:43

@C1N1C we were arguing because I said 6 months earlier I thought we should split after 12 years because I clearly don’t make him happy. He always blames me for everything. Why we don’t have more money, why I hold him back, why we don’t have a bigger house, more stuff, why I make him depressed etc etc. He said he would stop but he kept doing it. Every time I’d voice an opinion it would be wrong, he was so easily upset with everything. I said this time is really enough and he lost it. Said everything we have was because of him, basically how dare I leave, he should be the one leaving me etc etc

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/10/2023 12:44

He was threatening to physically assault you. Anything else he claims is complete bullshit.

Iamclearlyamug · 14/10/2023 12:51

Flutterby10 · 14/10/2023 12:43

@C1N1C we were arguing because I said 6 months earlier I thought we should split after 12 years because I clearly don’t make him happy. He always blames me for everything. Why we don’t have more money, why I hold him back, why we don’t have a bigger house, more stuff, why I make him depressed etc etc. He said he would stop but he kept doing it. Every time I’d voice an opinion it would be wrong, he was so easily upset with everything. I said this time is really enough and he lost it. Said everything we have was because of him, basically how dare I leave, he should be the one leaving me etc etc

Please leave this awful man. He's clearly been pushing your self esteem lower and lower for a long time. You deserve better and so does your child

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 12:52

Yeah potentially abusive but also quite possible just one of those stupid things people say when they are in a rage and don't know what else to say.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/10/2023 12:52

he should be the one leaving me
Well yes...and if he felt he couldn't control his temper then definitely he should have left.

He was threatening you with violence, but putting the onus on you to (temporarily) resolve the situation - if you'd not left then he'd have made out it was your fault if he'd hurt you.

Flowersstay strong, op.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/10/2023 12:53

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 12:52

Yeah potentially abusive but also quite possible just one of those stupid things people say when they are in a rage and don't know what else to say.

Please don't make excuses. There is no excuse for his behaviour as described.

Cornettoninja · 14/10/2023 12:56

potatoheads · 14/10/2023 12:52

Yeah potentially abusive but also quite possible just one of those stupid things people say when they are in a rage and don't know what else to say.

Possibly, but then people just spouting off don’t tend to create an atmosphere/give off vibes (whatever you want to call it) that motivate you into removing yourself and your dc from the building.

Nowherenew · 14/10/2023 13:07

I don’t think it matters tbh and there’s no point having discussions about it.

The relationship is over so just focus on where you’re going to live, contact arrangements, finances etc.

C1N1C · 14/10/2023 13:09

I'm sure others will agree... the main questions one asks themself when considering a split are what would they potentially lose (material items, house, the 'known' life)... and what struggles you may have in the future.

But these are actually the wrong questions. Do you wake up in fear? Is he still the man you fell in love with? Would a life free from that stress and anxiety be a more peaceful and happy one? Is this a life you truly want and wake up for?

The transition won't be easy (not going to lie!), but if you breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves the house, that tells you all you need to know.

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